Gary Kleppe wrote:
I pulled this off the archive site. I haven't gotten any FFML in my box since
early this morning; dunno if it's the list or my server.
Hmm, the list delivered mail to me, so I didn't notice any problems there.
Phil <kagami@jeack.com.au> wrote:
Yet the battle raised the delight for destruction that
remained at the core of his being and also something
greater, besides. Never in his five thousand years of
The comma there looks kind of odd. I'd take it out.
Gotcha. Still having problems with commas - I'll work it out one of these days.
The tableau was indeed striking: the blue kimono-clad,
tall woman stood before the vast and inert form of the
Suggest: tall woman in the blue kimono (as written it seems awkward)
Nods. A good alternative - will modify.
Moeru: I am not blue!
Phil: No chance of that. Wouldn't want to turn Awakening ecchi now.
As further flames speared forth at him, Ranma knew the
answer to that question was pointless. He could easily dodge
flames all day, but that in itself would hardly resolve
anything, and eventually he would tire. Man, he'd bet
anything Shukumaru didn't have these problems.
---
Deep in the mountains above Nagano, Shukumaru had an
entirely different view of her supposedly problem-free
situation.
I don't mind this kind of transition, but my preference would be to just start
in on the new scene after the bit about Shu not having problems. I think the
"Shu had an entirely different..." just belabors it.
It wasn't there originally, but I decided to add it in to improve the transition.
Since it doesn't seem to have done much for readers, I'll remove it.
The boy had a shock of light blue hair and the girl had
waist-length hair of a deeper, almost purple, blue, tied
Suggest:
of a deeper blue, almost purple,
or
of a deeper blue -- almost purple --
Right.
off with a white ribbon. Both had similar high cheekbones
and large, violet-coloured eyes on narrow countenances,
suggesting they were likely siblings from the same birth.
Can you have siblings from different births? :) (Or is this supposed to mean
twins?)
Shimoyake: Um, actually, there were two fathers involved.
Shukumaru: Oh, really? [Arched eyebrow]
Shimoyake: Freeze and die.
They are twins; I just decided to get a bit flowery with the language. :)
Shukumaru roundly cursed the Ice Maiden as she tried to
extricate herself from the trap. Shimoyake still stood
back, smirking, evidently content to permit her servants to
resolve the matter. Damn them all to hell, she thought.
SHUKIE: Yes, I'm Charlton Heston! Get your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty
apes!
Planet of the Apes? Man, I can barely remember it (loved the ironic ending though).
She would bet anything Ranma Saotome was in a much better
situation right now. Her damnable half-brother had proved
more resilient than she'd expected, destroying her plans
with a minimum of losses. At least that girl he had seemed
fond of would undoubtedly be dead from Mizugumo's deadly
poison by now.
It was a beginning.
---
Akane Tendo, very much alive, and likely to eventually
disappoint Shukumaru upon disclosure of her survival, was
not even thinking about the demoness. Instead she shouted
worriedly as the fiery ring sealed Ranma from the rest of
them. "Ranma, watch out!"
Again, IMO this would work better if you just went into the scene.
Okay.
Somehow, to her, the other three girls seemed less
concerned about Ranma than pushing forth their own claims
upon him, especially Kodachi.
Suggest: less concerned about Ranma's survival (or victory, or whatever is
intended); after all, being concerned about who he's going to marry is being
concerned about him, in a sense. :)
Good point.
Ranma: You mean you all don't care for me? Boo hoo hoo!
Akane: Be a man about it, Ranma!
"What?" Ukyo asked, perplexed. She suddenly became aware
she'd forgotten all about Ranchan. The horrifying thought
was reinforced by Akane's "Oh no, Ranma!"
How could they have forgotten about him? Weren't they just discussing him? :)
Maybe 'aware that they hadn't been paying attention to Ranchan' or something
like that.
That sounds much better. Thanks.
"Damn!" Kodachi muttered in annoyance as her Spear of Fuma
sank into the foremost Saikin without effect. The pale
humanoid creature made desperate sucking noises as it tried
H. ROSS. PEROT: It's the giant suckin' sound! Ah warned ya!
What's the millionaire president wannabe up to these days? Don't hear much about him
now.
Perot: I will run for President for a third time.
General public: Man, ain't you out of cash yet?
At his nod, she continued, "Okay, you shoot a pillar of
heavy chi up into the air, and it comes crashing down
again, hitting you and everyone around you. But it won't
work for two reasons: those things" - she pointed to the
Saikin slowly trundling towards them - "are completely
soulless, if what Kodachi said is correct. You're in a
similar state after firing off a Shishi Hokodan blast, and
it doesn't hurt you, so I don't think it'll affect them
either."
That's a bit of a logical leap there. However, it's kinda funny when combined
with the next much more obvious reason, so maybe you should keep it anyway.
It does sound a bit technical, but Akane's the only one who saw all of the Shishi
Hokodan episode (apart from Ryoga, who doesn't make logical leaps ^_^), so that made
her the likely one to point out the facts. In fact, she pretty much gets it all
explained to her, so it's not too unlikely a leap.
Akane: Are you suggesting I'm dumb?
Phil: No, no, not at all. Er, why are you holding a mallet?
Ryoga rubbed his chin and pondered. "I didn't think of
that. You might be right, Akane-san. Er, you mentioned two
reasons?"
Ukyo whapped him over the head with her spatula. "That
one's pretty obvious, sugar."
Akane nodded and pointed up at the roof. "You'd probably
bring that down on us, if you did."
Suggest: "if you did blast them." Or something like that.
Right.
How come thye monsters aren't attacking them while this conversation is going
on? :)
Saikin: W...e......a...r...e.....t...o...o......s...l...o...w....
"GYAKURYU SHOTEN HA!"
Hot air rises and so does hot ki.
Um... it does? The only reason hot air rises is that it's displaced by the
heavier falling cold air. Does ki gravitate? I guess it's a case of "It's just a
fic, you should really just relax." :)
Yup, Ranma physics in full force for this explanation. I suppose 'thermal energy
expands' might be more logical, but....
"Umibouzu's seal can only be broken with time or through
the sacrifice of a human being. Did you not know that?"
Moeru noticed Ranma growing pale. "You could also search
RANMA: Human sacrifice? Really? Hm... hey, Kodachi! Is your brother doing
anything right now?
Ranma [female form]: Oh, Kuno, are ya doing anything this Sunday?
Kuno: A date with the pig-tailed girl? By all means, lead on!
Ranma: Hehe, this'll be fun.
Looks good, as always. I'd like to see more done with Kodachi's Devil Hunter
role; she's kinda been in the background since the fic started. Isn't she
getting in trouble with the Devil Hunters Union (or whatever they call it) for
hanging out with a half-demon and not killing him? Also, we really need a
fanartist to do a pic of Kodachi in Yohko's outfit. *^_^*
Thanks, Gary. At the moment, I'm purely focused on finishing the current story arc
which only takes place over a single week (though that's not very apparent in the
fic itself). Thus other Devil Hunters haven't really cued in yet. Not to worry
though, after Chapter 12, I'll be writing a sidestory involving Kodachi and some of
the new complications while the main storyline goes on ahead.
Hopefully once all these battle scenes are finished my writing will pick up speed
once more. As for a Kodachi pic, I suppose I should advertise for a fanartist. Any
takers out there on the FFML?
Thanks for the feedback, Gary. Good, chewable stuff. :)
Phil.
Gary