Vincent Seifert wrote:
Vincent Seifert has kindly provided webspace for most of my
fanfics and links to the rest at the following address:
http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/kagami/
Updated today with this chapter... collect the whole set! :)
Heh. Domo arigat-- er, thanks, Vince. :)
You can contact me at: kagami@jeack.com.au
Umibouzu touched the closer source and admired the
strength and clarity of purpose he found within the mind of
Ranma Saotome. There, faced with a powerful challenger in
the form of Moeru, the half-demon scion of Yami-no-Tsume
{Vocabulary word for the day: scion. :) I like using and reading words
not in common currency... it's the only way to GET them back into use.}
Chalk it up to my perpetual reading of fantasy/sci-fi books. Sometimes I
think the only thing making me a decent fanfic author is my large
vocabulary. :)
knew no fear, only a deep concern for his friends and
mother, fueling an ironclad determination to win... and
something far darker, joyous, hidden but exultant.
An Awakening of Demons
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic
By Kagami
Chapter 11: Tenacity
"Ranma-sama, defeat this unworthy challenge for your
beloved Kodachi!"
"Ranma, you win for Shampoo, okay?"
"Ranchan, I'm counting on you."
"Ranma, don't you dare lose!"
{hehe! I really like how they have separate and distinct character
voices, and you've exploited that well.}
Thanks. Let's see what the girls have to say:
Kodachi: Of course our voices are separate and distinct. I have nothing in
common with these peasant girls.
Shampoo: That good. Ranma belong to Shampoo then.
Ukyo: Since when, sugar? Ranchan's still a girly-boy, which makes him mine!
Akane: Ranma, this is all your fault!
"How did we get on this topic?" Ranma clenched his fists
in annoyance. Fortunately, Ryoga hadn't added anything to
the furor. That was a good thing, but the one person he had
some small interest in hearing remained silent. Then she
spoke.
"Ranma--"
"Akane?"
"--you'd better turn around."
{Nothing wrong with HER priorities. :) }
Akane does have a habit of redirecting Ranma's attention (in every meaning
of the phrase ^_^).
"Wha-- Yikes!" Ranma barely dodged the blast of flame that
narrowly shot past, scorching his shirt. "Hey! Whaddya do
that for?" he asked Moeru who lowered her smoking hand. She
{suggest} Moeru as she lowered her smoking hand. {It would be too silly
for her to blow smoke from her fingertip, I guess... sigh. :) }
Gotcha.
Moeru: Hmm, what's the significance of blowing smoke from my fingertip?
Nabiki: Haven't you seen a Western before?
Moeru: A Western? Is that a foreigner?
looked annoyed.
"No," he said softly, "it's no game." Ranma caught the
faintest trace of a mental whisper from the Blue Dragon
directed to Moeru, <Calm yourself, daughter.> Daughter? He
{suggest} Moeru: <Calm
Okay.
The tableau was indeed striking: the blue kimono-clad,
tall woman stood before the vast and inert form of the
{suggest} tall woman clad in a blue kimono
Nods. Sounds much better.
spirit dragon, her fiery eyes and crimson hair stark
against the shadows. Behind her, Seiryu's great golden eyes
burned like vast lanterns in the dark. Smoke jetted forth
from nostrils on her draconian snout, swirling just above
{er... if you mean "of or relating to dragons," that should be
"draconic"; "draconian" means "harsh or cruel". But if the former, it's
redundant; what else would a dragon's snout BE but draconic? Suggest
some not so obvious but descriptive adjective, such as "wrinkled" or
"glossy"; you'd know what it looks like better than I, and you want to
remedy that. :) }
Ooops. You know, this never occurred to me. Comes from reading Weis and
Hickman's Dragonlance novels. :)
ground and covering the barren stone in white mist.
"Bring it on, Moeru!" Ranma stared cockily at his
challenger. "I've beaten ya once, I can do it again."
Moeru smiled faintly as she drew back the sleeves of her
blue kimono. "Wrong," she whispered, the low sound carrying
across the cavern. Flames burst from her upheld hands, and
she made sweeping gestures, casting the fire around. The
inferno raced outward, forming a fiery ring that surrounded
both of them. "I haven't shown you the least of my power."
{I think it'd be more impressive if she didn't resort to hyperbole here;
what she really means to say, of course, is "I HAVE shown you the least
of my power." The tendency is to UNDERestimate someone who exaggerates.
So suggest} "I've only shown you the least of my power."
Moeru: But I want Ranma to underestimate me.
Ranma: What's with all those impressive-sounding statements then? They don't
mean nothing to me.
Moeru: That's my point.
Ranma: Huh?
But I do see your point and agree with it. I'll change the sentence.
Ranma took an involuntary step back upon seeing the
conflagration cover Moeru, and felt the heat from the
encircling ring flickering at his back. There was no place
to go. "Nice show, but it's only defensive. You can't hurt
me with that."
{"Especially not since I took the Phoenix Pill." Seriously, doesn't
Ranma still have unusual resistance to heat as a consequence?}
Someone else brought that up, so here's what I said in response:
Hmm, the Cats-Tongue Shiatsu Point is actually one of my pet peeves. ^_^
It's one of the worst offenders of real-life physics - it heightens the
sensitivity of the body to heat, meaning hot water feels like boiling, so
Ranma can't stand the touch of hot water. But Ranma's always getting
splashed by water, so it doesn't seem likely he'd be able to avoid
complete immersion at some stage, which means he'd get splashed, change
back to male form, and possibly die from the system shock. ^_^
The Phoenix Pill is only supposed to cure this condition. I don't think
it's ever said in the manga that the pill would give Ranma an increased
resistance to heat.
This, of course, is merely my rationale. Feel free to poke holes in it. :)
As further flames speared forth at him, Ranma knew the
answer to that question was pointless. He could easily dodge
flames all day, but that in itself would hardly resolve
anything, and eventually he would tire. Man, he'd bet
anything Shukumaru didn't have these problems.
{The battle with Saffron really should be figuring in his thoughts here,
if only regret that he doesn't have the Gekkaja this time.}
Good point. I'll see what I can do.
She hurled herself to one side as the icy blast impacted
{suggest, as the blast has not been referred to before} as an icy blast
Nods. Will do.
on the spot she had been standing. Cat-quick reflexes had
saved her from the first attacks of the Ice Maiden,
Shimoyake. The problem was her inability to close and
utilize her own technique. Her Dokkasou required physically
touching her opponent, and while Kori Otome held her off
with blizzards of razor-sharp ice shards and pale cones of
pure frost, it was totally negated.
There were alternatives she could use, but revealing them
so early in the battle was foolish. Shukumaru had no
{suggest} battle would be foolish.
Ooops.
"Such a generous offer," she returned, suitably sardonic.
"I fear I must decline. I have no intention of remaining an
ice block for the rest of eternity. Too dull."
{"Well, if I shattered you, you'd be a lot sharper..." :) }
Shukumaru: Grumble, grumble. Ranma gets all the stage tension, and I get
humour?
Shukumaru frowned, attempting to recall any scrap of
information about Kori Otome's servants, but came up blank.
Hiko appeared to be a ten year-old boy, while Hime was
apparently a girl of similar age, both as cute as real
children.
{Suggest omitting para break here.}
Okay. I just figured it might seem a little long as a single paragraph.
The boy had a shock of light blue hair and the girl had
waist-length hair of a deeper, almost purple, blue, tied
off with a white ribbon. Both had similar high cheekbones
and large, violet-coloured eyes on narrow countenances,
suggesting they were likely siblings from the same birth.
{Oddly phrased, as it's hard to be from the same birth and NOT be
siblings... suggest perhaps} siblings, or even from the same birth.
Er, read my response to Gary... I might change it since you've both pointed
it out.
Akane Tendo, very much alive, and likely to eventually
disappoint Shukumaru upon disclosure of her survival, was
not even thinking about the demoness. Instead she shouted
worriedly as the fiery ring sealed Ranma from the rest of
{suggest "separated" rather than "sealed"}
Okay. You know, I have this weird fixation with seals in this fic. And not
the Harnum type either. :)
them. "Ranma, watch out!"
His reasons were simple really. He fought for his mother's
simple, really.
Whups, missed this one.
"What wrong with demon-slaying weapon? Why no kill demon?"
Shampoo asked in surprise, twin bonbori loosely clasped in
her hands, spherical heads pointed towards the ground. "Is
past used-by date?"
{heh! Cute, and IC. The phrase here is "use-by", "sell-by", or
"best-used-by"; is it different there?}
Hmm. I don't really know. I've always thought it was 'used-by', but I'm not
completely sure. I'll check it out.
"What?" Akane blurted out, surprised by his request. It
took her a brief moment to realize the reason, remembering
the last time he had asked her the same thing. "I'm sorry,
Ryoga-kun, I promised myself I'd never say I hated anyone
if I didn't mean it."
"Oh!" Shampoo exclaimed, gleefully clasping her hands
together. "Then is true? Pervert Girl really hate Ranma?
Shampoo so happy!"
"Hey! I didn't mean it like that!" Akane protested
vehemently, tossing a furious glare at the cheerfully
bouncing Amazon.
{Zing! Good shot, Shampoo. :) }
As I mentioned to another reader, Shampoo gets most of the zingers in this
chapter. :)
Shampoo: Bah, need more good lines in story.
Mousse: But Shampoo--
Shampoo: No scene with Mousse! Or Shampoo kill!
The group of Saikin stumbled closer,
distracting her anger, and she paused to consider Ryoga's
plan. There was a problem somewhere, she was quite certain.
Wait, Ranma had exploited the flaw in the technique during
their clash, that was it. "Ryoga-kun, you mean to use the
complete Shishi Hokodan, right?"
{or Houkoudan, if you're romanizing that way...}
Er, you'll have noticed a distinct lack of elongating -u's wherever I could
remove them without the resultant word appearing strange. I must admit I'm
not very consistent in this regard.
"Oh, right." Ryoga scratched the back of his head in
embarrassment, recognizing the obvious flaws in his plan
now that Akane had pointed them out.
{Clearly this is some new definition of "obvious"... :) (Just kidding;
ironic humor recognized.)}
Obvious has a different meaning to Ryoga as compared to everyone else. :)
"Bakusai Hokodan!"
{ O_o I'm gonna have to look that up and see if it makes sense.}
Please do. As I see it, the root of 'Bakusai' is 'Bakuhatsu' meaning
'explosion', and 'Hokodan' translates as 'Roar Bullet'. It most likely isn't
grammatically correct the way I've strung them together. Let me know.
I was thinking of using 'Bakuhatsudan' which is much simpler.
"Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken!"
{argh. Pet peeve: the KTA isn't an attack at all, and not a called
attack. It's a training method: master the KTA, get fast. Cologne was
surprised when Ranma adapted the speed granted him by KTA training for a
multiple-punch attack. I know it's in the anime, but that's because the
animators got it wrong. I think you gain less by using it than you lose
by disgusting manga-fans.}
It's a cop-out, I'll admit it, but I think it serves admirably to inform the
reader of the action without going into too much unnecessary detail.
I've always wondered about it, but doesn't the name mean 'Chestnuts Roasting
Over an Open Fire Punch'? Wouldn't that make it an attack? Feel free to
correct me, Vince. This is pure guesswork on my part.
Hesitantly Shukumaru touched a block and a voice echoed
within her mind. <I want a son.> She jerked her hand away
as though the icy surface was red-hot. The feeling of
surface were red-hot {subjunctive, yes?}
Right. I actually changed this from 'were' originally - Sigh.
"Well, excuse me, P-chan." Ranma snorted. "I was fighting
for my life if you hadn't noticed."
life, if
Wak! I'll get the hang of them eventually.
"Umibouzu's seal can only be broken with time or through
the sacrifice of a human being. Did you not know that?"
Moeru noticed Ranma growing pale. "You could also search
for the god who granted this power to Umibouzu and ask him
to break it, but that's Susanoo. Finding him is near-
impossible if he doesn't want to be found."
{Uh oh. I sense a plot hook. But is the worm tasty? :) }
Yes, but not in the obvious way - then again, I'm not sure which plot hook
you're referring to. :)
>From where Cologne sat atop the Kuno family manse, Tokyo
Tower was quite visible, a radiant torch of metal and
light. Her hands held the newly arrived parchment missive,
{sugggest} held a newly-arrived
Okay.
His ascendancy to the Eastern Throne mattered not to her,
but rather his growing personal power as the scion of Yami-
no-Tsume was her primary concern. Ranma might, with his
potent blood, infect them all with seeds of darkness... as
he had Akane. Did he control himself? Or was he a mere pawn
in the red game of demons, gods, and humans? If so, whose
pawn? Shukumaru's? Yami-no-Tsume's?
{well, that's the interesting part, really...}
Stay tuned for Season 2! Blah! Blah! Blah! Hype! Hype! Hype!
5) 'Gyakuryu Shoten Ha' - literally 'reverse dragon
ascending to heaven blast'.
Not to be confused with the Hiryuu Gyoten Ha... :)
Er, is there one?
The other interesting part is the Demon Hunter Kodachi angle. That's
what hooked me into this story first, but lately she's mostly just been
doing Kodachi stuff, not Demon Hunter stuff. Now I know we've been
distracted with the Shukumaru backstory and so forth, but I hope you
haven't been distracted from the strong part she has to play in the
interaction between human and demon inside and outside Ranma. Please
don't let her become a token! :)
Kodachi: I am not a token! Stop trying to feed me into the subway slot!
Shampoo & Ukyo: Oh, sorry.
Seriously, Gary made this point too. There will be a side-story after
Chapter 12 that deals with the Devil Hunter aspect. I'm hoping to run it
parallel with the main storyline for about 4-5 chapters, or perhaps I'll
just put it out before moving on to Season 2, I'm not too sure yet. Readers
will see more of Kodachi in forthcoming chapters (but not in the ecchi way
^_^).
Thanks for writing and sharing!
Thanks for the great commentary, Vince. Lots for me to think about.
Phil.
Vince Seifert Fanfic Analyst FFIRC Frog
Prime: seifertv@csus.edu
Backup: seifertv@myrealbox.com
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Fanfic: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/
Ideas are worth their weight in gold.