Hello again, people!
Hi! ^_^
Well, sorry for the delay, but I've had lots of exams... You know how it
is.
Indeed I do. It nearly killed me a few months ago.
I'm attaching the file, as some of my prereaders told me this would
finish
with those irritating formatting glitches once and for all. I only hope
this
works!
It did for me, so I'll assume you're good to go with the rest of us! I had
to paste my first two chapters of Dark Crusade, and the formatting stunk (as
someone very helpfully pointed out...), so I recommend attaching myself.
Plus, it's easier. Just one button, instead of the copy AND the paste...
C&C desperately needed. I prefer public, but I take anything.
C&C often given. I prefer private, but I make exceptions. ^_^
Send me a
mail, if only to say 'hi', or to ask a question. Come on, people, PLEASE!
^_^
I already SAID 'hi'! But as for the question : When is chapter five coming
out?
^_^
Well, no more rant. Enjoy!
I always do, my good man. I always do. So, enough with these pleasantries.
Let us be off! And remember that any and all comments I make come entirely
from my own twisted little opinions, and do not have to reflect your reality
unless you want them to.
In other words, feel free to stop listening to me right now, or any other
time you decide I have no idea what I'm talking about. ^_^
Chapter 4: Countdown
---
Ranma was only a few meters away from Rick's Guardian now, but he
still >couldn't see any movement in its cockpit.
He "was" only a few meters away "now"? I'd change this just a little : it's
a trifle more confusing then necessary. Try :
"Ranma was only a few meters away from the Guardian, and still couldn't see
any movement in its cockpit."
The word "now" really shouldn't be used in past tense, because it refers to
the present. "Now", by definition, is not "then".
He glanced at the Zentraedi soldier's dead body that lay motionless in the
street.
Hmmm... first of all, this seems a bit awkward. Why not just say that "He
glanced at the Zentraedi lying motionless in the middle of the street" ?
After all, shorter sentences are usually better, and there are no Zentraedi
who aren't soldiers. You call it a corpse in the next sentence, so they can
find out it's dead there.
The alien corpse still clung to the earth craft, looking like a shipwrecked
sailor grabbing his life preserver. For a few moments, Ranma stared
intently >at the horrible sight, forcing himself to see what his lack of
control might >have caused.
I like the imagery you used here. Very stirring, the idea of the sailor and
the life preserver.
The skull-insignia Battloid, that had killed the gigantic alien
minutes
You don't need the commas. It IS the Battloid that killed the gigantic
alien,
and it is moving again. There is no break in the flow, and no need to mark
that break with a comma. Or two.
ago, started moving again; the pig-tailed martial artist watched, amazed,
as >it shouldered its massive weapon. There was so much casualness and grace
in >that single movement that Ranma felt like rubbing his eyes. How could a
machine move so fluently?
Fluently, according to my Winston Canadian Dictionary, means "proceeding
smoothly; flowing". However, most of us take it by its second meaning :
"ready or easy in the use of words, especially in speaking".
So, even though you used the right word, you might want to change it to
something else. Maybe "fluidly", which means much the same thing (only
without the part about speaking).
He wouldn't have believed it if he hadn't been seeing it with his own eyes.
"...hadn't been seeing it..." Huh. Most of us say if he hadn't "seen" it
with
his own eyes. This works too, but it sounds a bit off. Could just be me. Who
knows?
The earth craft
Cool! Veritechs are made of earth! I'd sure hate to fly one in the rain,
though... ^_^
Seriously, you need to capitalise the "E" in "Earth craft", or else you're
saying that it's actually made from dirt.
gently prodded the alien's dead body with one of its metallic foot,
checking
for any signs of life. It found none, of course; the Veritech Gatling
rounds >had done their job, piercing the Zentraedi trooper's unarmored chest
with >terrifying ease. Then, the Batloid stood still for a couple of
minutes, >seemingly waiting for something. Ranma decided that making his
presence known >to the pilot was the best course of action. After all, he
might be able to >help him look for Minmei. However, before Ranma could do
anything to draw the >pilot's attention, the war machine quickly switched to
Guardian configuration, >as if urged by some unknown signal. Climbing
swiftly like a rocket, it took to >the air, headed for the SDF-1.
Uhm, if it took to the air like a rocket, you don't have to tell us it was
climbing swiftly. If it climbed swiftly like a rocket, we can guess that it
took to the air. I'd suggest dropping the first part of this sentence, and
saying "Like a rocket, it took to the air and headed for the SDF-1".
A deceptive peace settled upon the street after the sleek aircraft
left.
Heh-heh. A deceptive peace. I love the way you put that, my friend. Very
nice choice of words.
The battle had apparently moved to the outskirts of the town, as the
Veritechs >slowly but surely pushed the invading troops back. The sounds of
explosions >and fighting were still there, but they seemed muffled, deadened
somehow. It >was only this relative calmness what allowed Ranma to hear the
sudden rumble >that came from the SDF-1's direction. He whirled around, not
knowing what to >expect any more.
I dunno. As I recall, the SDF-1 was lifting off using antigravity pods,
until the lovely Lisa Hayes reported that they were tearing through the hull
instead
of lifting the ship like they supposed to. Would that count as a rumble?
The SDF-1, the ship that had finally brought peace to the Earth, was
slowly raising into the air after a decade of waiting. Its rocket boosters
flared intently, giving off a torrent of white-blue fire that, foot by
foot, >propelled the huge spacecraft upwards.
Ah. Never mind. Gloval already ordered the rockets fired. My fault for not
reading ahead, I guess.
´They're leaving! Now I'll _never_ be able to get inside!´ He sighed,
feeling defeated.
Ranma feeling defeated? Ranma SAOTOME? Wow, he really HAS changed.
In that moment, other thought struck him.
Perhaps "another" thought struck him instead. It's better grammar.
If the SDF-1 went away, the Veritechs would probably follow it. And with
the >pods still lurking in Macross, it would be very dangerous for Rick to
stay >here. Ranma might be the best martial artist in the world, but there
was no >way he could face a dozen of those alien machines. ´Well,´ thought
Ranma, ´at >least not if I'm taking care of the kid at the same time.´
THERE'S that classic Saotome mindset. "I COULD beat it, but I can't because
I'm busy looking after somebody!"
He hurried to the downed Guardian and, with a single powerful leap,
landed gracefully on the fighter's nose. Looking down, he finally saw Rick.
He >was slumped against the instrument panel, head resting in his arms and
unmoving.
"Hey, Rick! We gotta get outta here!" Rick didn't seem to hear him.
Okay, this is one I used to do all the time, myself. Still do, if I'm not
careful. When you name someone immediately after talking, readers think that
the person you named is the one who spoke. Just call Rick "The boy", or "The
pilot", instead, and you ought to be okay.
"Rick, you okay?!" asked Ranma a little louder. There was no answer.
´What the heck's wrong with him?´ he wondered, somewhat worried. He didn't
seem injured, and the canopy was intact, with absolutely no signs of an
attack >that might have hurt the pilot. He strained his ears in the hope of
perceiving >something, much to no avail.
<MINI-SNIP>
Roaming his eyes around the cockpit,
I hope he put them back in his head when he was done. ^_^
You might want to say "As his gaze roamed around the cockpit". His eyes have
to move to roam, and if they're roaming around the cockpit, they fell out of
his head.
Ranma realized to his surprise that there was someone else in the fighter.
A >young brunette was slumped in the rear seat, her head tilted to one side,
resting against the canopy. Long locks of raven hair covered her pale face,
making it hard for Ranma to see her features clearly--but, for some strange
Hi, me again. Now, I know that technically nobody has black hair - just
really dark brown (at least, according to my biology prof), so TECHNICALLY,
Minmei can be called a brunette, but... well...
Rei Hino has raven hair. Hotaru Tomoe has raven hair. Ryo Sanada has raven
hair. Rick Hunter and Ranma Saotome have raven hair. Makoto Kino is a
brunette. Lisa Hayes is a brunette. Nabiki and Kasumi Tendo are both
brunettes, but Akane has raven hair. Kodachi is raven, Ukyo is brunette. For
writing purposes, at least, raven = black and brunette = brown.
Whew! Sorry about that. Sometimes I go off on tangents. Must be all that
algebra and geometry I've been taking. ^_~
reason, he found her awfully familiar. Maybe it had something to do with
the >fact that she seemed to be about the same age than Minmei. Besides, she
was >wearing very similar clothes. Actually, she had _just_ the same hair
and >height...
Yeah, this is Ranma, all right. She could be wearing a "Hi! My name is
Minmei!"
nametag, and he'd still stand there for hours, wondering out loud who she
could possibly be.
<SNIP-SNIP!>
Thanking whoever it was that looked after them, the best martial
artists >of the world, Ranma sighed in relief.
Rick and Minmei must have been training in secret, because I never knew they
were the best martial artists in the world. Remember, Ranma was thinking
about Rick and Minmei, then thanked whoever it was that looked after "them".
It's that whole "last person you named" thing again.
<MINI-SNIP>
"W-w-wha..." Rick cleared his throat, and tried again, "What're you
doing here?"
The pig-tailed man couldn't help but grin at the sight of Rick's
bewildered face. "I came to see how many buildings you've destroyed since I
left for the shelters, but I lost count when I reached a hundred." Rick
blinked, and Ranma started laughing. Soon, another person's laughter echoed
his, and both men turned around to see Minmei giggling, completely awaken
now.
"A hundred? I'm surprised you can count past ten without using your toes!"
I can't believe Rick Hunter would miss such a comeback. I guess he must have
hit his head harder than usual. This IS the guy who invented the phrase
"bridge bunnies", you know.
Frowning, Rick crossed his arms. "You're a comedian now, aren't you?"
he >said, facing Ranma. "Well, very funny. Now tell me, how'd you get here?
Macross's packed full with aliens! Heck, even I almost didn't make it--and
I'm >in a Veritech!"
"I just walked, okay? In fact," he glanced at Minmei, a hint of
reproach >in his voice, "I came looking for a girl that thought she knew
better than his >uncle and aunt. You wouldn't happen to know her, by any
chance?"
"her" uncle and aunt. Unless Minmei's hiding something from us...
Minmei had the decency to blush at these words. "Sorry," she said,
smiling meekly.
Wow. I didn't know Minmei had any decency at all. (rimshot)
I know, I'm sorry, I'm trying to be nice. She's really not that bad.
"It's not me who you've gotta apologize with," Ranma said,
or apologise "to", for that matter...
shrugging. "Save it for your aunt; she was almost in tears, ya know? Next
time, think before acting."
´I can't believe I said those words,´ thought Ranma, marvelled at his
own maturity. If only Akane could hear him...
I'm sure she's rolling over in her grave. ^_^
"Um, I don't have a clue."
"Tell me something I don't know," muttered Ranma.
Woah. Battle of the Egos, part three, and Hunter seems to be on the ropes!
Will he EVER make a comeback?
<SNIP>
"Hey, didja already forgot about the alien?" asked Ranma shaking his
head in disbelief. "Jeez, you're clueless..."
That is perfect Ranma. Blunt, direct, and completely missing the point. ^_^
<SNIP>
"What? In case you didn't notice, there's a war going on here, my
friend. I can't leave you alone; you wouldn't last a second without a great
pilot like myself keeping you safe," boasted Roy, the Batlloid pointing at
The "Battloid", not the "Batlloid". Watch those typos! That's two in the
whole story! Tsk, tsk! ^_^
<SNIP>
Ranma snorted, "Pilot? Don't make me laugh. _Try_ to pilot, you must
mean."
"Oh, yeah," drawled Rick. "I'll have you know that I won the World
Freestyle Flying Competition eight years in a row."
"And how many people were competing? Two?" asked Ranma in the most
irritating mock-curious tone he could muster. "Or maybe it was just you?
No, >no, I get it; it was a model airplane making competition, right?"
Okay, I'm sorry. Why is Rick simply sitting there and taking that kind of
abuse from Ranma? He's not even trying to fight back! Not even an "Oh... oh,
yeah?"
I only bring this up because my absolute favorite part of last chapter was
the way Rick and Ranma kept bickering with each other. I loved it, it was
awesome, and it seems to have degenerated into Ranma-teasing-the-idiot. That
works with Ryoga Hibiki, but not Rick Hunter.
The Battloid extruded one of its metal tentacles and, much in the
same >way in that Ranma had seen before when Rick craft had been repaired,
used it >to open a small panel in the side of the Guardian. Its three
passengers >suddenly felt themselves shaken around as Roy's machine gently
took the >cockpit in its metallic hands, separating it from the rest of the
aircraft. >Using a fitment especially built with that purpose, Roy placed it
on the side >of his Battloid's right arm.
What's a fitment? Is it anything like a compartment, or a fitting?
Seriously, I don't think this word exists. I tried to look it up, and it
isn't there.
"Neat, isn't it?" said Roy, pride evident in his voice.
Ranma nodded his agreement, amazed.
"Incredible," muttered Minmei under her breath.
"Yeah, really nice," said Rick. "Now, please, hurry up. It's getting
really uncomfortable in here!"
"Oh, don't be such a baby--and stop moving already!" yelled Ranma.
"Argh! Your elbow is digging in my ribs, idiot!"
"Stay quiet! Hey, keep your hands to yourself, you sick pervert!"
"Will you SHUT U--"
That's more like it! I was starting to worry about old Rick for a page or
two, back there. Never mind what I said. ^_^
Roy shut down his comm, his ears ringing. How could two people be so
loud, he would never understand. He had better get to the SDF-1 as soon as
possible, before they killed each other.
Knowing Roy, he was probably tempted to wait until AFTER they had killed
each other, and save everybody a lot of trouble.
The Battloid mechamorphosed to Guardian mode and rose smoothly to the
air on its foot thrusters. The Robotech craft hovered there for a few
seconds, >as Roy glanced one last time at the wartorn streets of Macross,
war-torn (I think...)
<SNIP!>
´Will they ever get tired?´ wondered Roy, finally opening his eyes.
He >decided to stop the bickering--if that was even possible. He opened up a
communication screen to the other ship and said, "Hold on for a second,
guys. >We're arriving." Seeing them closing their mouths for the first time
in long >minutes, he radioed, "This is Skull lider to SDF-1, over."
Skull lider? I think you mean Skull Leader. Or Skull One, although that's
usually saved for referring to his plane.
A new screen popped up in both ships, and they could see the the face
a >woman in it. She appeared to be in her mid-twenties, and had long brown
hair >coiled at her shoulders. Her small, elegant features made her very
attractive >in the minds of many men, but a frown twisted her face in that
moment.
And damn near every other moment, but that's another story.
See? I'm giving Lisa equal treatment as Minmei! One slam each!
Her eyes roamed around the crowded cockpit,
Boy, there they go again. Hope nobody steps on them by accident. These
people just can't keep their eyes in their heads, can they? ^_^
<SNIP>
"But she does look like a sourpuss, I'll give you that," he
concluded, >not really knowing what he was saying and unaware of the danger
he was in.
Is he ever? I mean, really, is he EVER? ^_^
Lisa couldn't take it any more, and snapped, "Argh, that does it!
What >is your name, you uncouth moron?!" she yelled at a confused Ranma,
shaking >with anger.
If there was something Ranma had learned throughout the years was to
recognize the instant a woman was trully and dangerously angry, and this
was >one of those. Of course, he had never learned what to do to appease
that >anger, but no one is perfect.
Ranma : HEY! I DISAGREE!
Rick : ME, TOO!
Both : I AM PERFECT, DARN IT! WHAT? WHY ARE ALL OF YOU LAUGHING? I AM!
"Listen to me, y--"
"RANMA!"
I'm suprised he didn't duck on instinct. I mean, how often does someone
yelling his name ever mean anything good? Ryoga, Mousse, Kuno, Genma, Akane,
Soun... they all tend to scream that right before pounding him (or trying
to).
---
Henry Gloval was a troubled man.
But not as troubled as he was going to be, not by a long shot.
I mean, Zentraedi and galactic war aside, Gloval was about to discover
exactly why Soun Tendo lost his mind... assuming he ever had one.
Remember, Captain Gloval considers Lisa to be like a daughter to him... ^_~
<SNIP, AGAIN>
The other screen was cramped with three startled faces. Two belonged
to >teenagers: a boy and a girl. A mop of dark hair covered the boy's
forehead, >and he was staring at him with his big brown eyes. In his
opinion, the kid was >in desperate need of a comb-
Rick would, of course, calmly accept said comb, sharpen it, and use it to
murder whoever had even THOUGHT about messing with his 'do.
-he would never understand this obsession young men had with messing up
their >hairs. It seemed all his pilots wore long hairstyles, regardless of
their >rank. Hell, he was certain they would mutiny if he ever forced them
to visit >the hairdresser's.
Yes. Yes indeed they would. Another good spamfic begging not to be written!
<SNIPPY-SNIP>
"Done, sir." Roy looked at Lisa and said, grinning all the time, "You
heard Uncle He--I mean, Captain Gloval, Lisa; give us a bay number, over."
Aw, come on. It's ROY. -> "You heard Uncle Henry! Give us a bay number...
you old sourpuss!"
More giggles could be heard, as Lisa responded, "Roger. Bring your
plane >into bay zero-niner."
Roy nodded. "Thanks--you old sourpuss," he said, and signed off, the
screen going black.
Gloval saw how Lisa clenched her fists, as her eyes narrowed. He made
a >mental note to degrade Roy, and proceeded to think of ways to overcome
the >current crisis.
I don't know about that, man. I know Gloval is protective of Lisa, but I
don't think he would bother making a fuss about one little comment. He seems
to let his troops solve their own problems, most of the time. Besides, how
many times did he blithely ignore Lisa and Rick all but screaming at each
other over open comm frequencies in the middle of a battle?
If I were Roy, I'd be hoping CLAUDIA didn't overhear him. She'd make him pay
for it through the nose. ^_^
<ONCE AGAIN!>
"I hate you," said quietly Lisa, looking at Ranma from the corner of
her >eye.
LOL! Although I think you mean "Lisa said quietly", over here.
"...eight..."
Ranma snorted, "Oh, yeah? Well, I'm not too fond of you, either."
"...seven..."
"Hmph!"
"...six... five..."
"Hey, Lisa."
"...four..."
"Lisa!" hissed Ranma.
"...three..."
"What?!"
"...second..."
"I just wanted to know... What's a fold?"
"...one..."
Lisa allowed a small smirk to reach her lips. "You'll find out soon
enough, won't you?"
"...ZERO!"
And so, barring a few Ranma 1/2 cameos, it ends. For now. And praise be to
all that it will continue, because I really do love this story. Other than a
few small typos and grammar gaffes, which we all make from time to time,
this was
nearly perfect. My only real problem is that Rick seemed to turn into a bit
of a wimp for the first half of the chapter. He definitely got back into
form near the end, however, and as I've said before, I love watching those
two egos bump heads. I have to pity Lisa, though : she'll need to get some
prescription medicine for the headache those two will put her through,
ESPECIALLY if Ranma winds up a pilot. Things are shaping up to get pretty
interesting, that's for sure : I'm looking forward to seeing how Ranma's
presence will affect the First Robotech War.
So, in closing, if anybody isn't reading this story, they should be sure to
fix that error as soon as possible. It's got some very good approaches to
retelling the Robotech story without boring those who know the details or
confusing those who don't. The description is amazing, the imagery is
fantastic, the characters are practically dead-on, and the action is well
balanced with the humour of Ranma and Rick's banter.
All in all, another great chapter, my friend. Now where's the next one? ^_~
Ja ne!
-Morgan Hudson
_______________________________________________________
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