Larry F has kindly decided to host my story in his site, so, now, previous
chapters can be found at:
http://lwf58.tripod.com/fan_fiction/latin_d/
Hey, I don't just archive, I also rip 'em apart first! That way, you
get to have mixed emotions about me. ^_^
Chapter 4: Countdown
The skull-insignia Battloid, that had killed the gigantic alien
minutes ago, started moving again; the pig-tailed martial artist watched,
amazed, as it shouldered its massive weapon. There was so much casualness
and grace in that single movement that Ranma felt like rubbing his eyes. How
could a machine move so fluently? He wouldn't have believed it if he hadn't
been seeing it with his own eyes.
Punctuation- you don't need the two commas after "Battloid", but you
should break the sentence up: "The skull-insignia Battloid that had killed
the gigantic alien minutes ago started moving again. The pig-tailed martial
artist watched, amazed, as it shouldered its massive weapon. "
The earth craft gently prodded the alien's dead body with one of its
metallic foot, checking for any signs of life. It found none, of course; the
Veritech Gatling rounds had done their job, piercing the Zentraedi trooper's
unarmored chest with terrifying ease. Then, the Batloid stood still for a
couple of minutes, seemingly waiting for something. Ranma decided that
making his presence known to the pilot was the best course of action. After
all, he might be able to help him look for Minmei. However, before Ranma
could do anything to draw the pilot's attention, the war machine quickly
switched to Guardian configuration, as if urged by some unknown signal.
Climbing swiftly like a rocket, it took to the air, headed for the SDF-1.
"one of its metallic feet" (it has two, y'know!)
Punctuation- the second sentence is too long. I suggest: "It found
none, of course. The Veritech's Gatling rounds had done their job, piercing
the Zentraedi trooper's unarmored chest with terrifying ease."
By the way, that part about his chest being unarmored isn't correct.
The Zentraedi battle uniform has armored plates all over it, and the chest
area in particular has a large armored plate that also contains the suit's
controls. Look around the net for some stills of a Zentraedi trooper;
they're armored in most critical locations. Not that it matters to a
Gatling gun...
A deceptive peace settled upon the street after the sleek aircraft
left. The battle had apparently moved to the outskirts of the town, as the
Veritechs slowly but surely pushed the invading troops back. The sounds of
explosions and fighting were still there, but they seemed muffled, deadened
somehow. It was only this relative calmness what allowed Ranma to hear the
sudden rumble that came from the SDF-1's direction. He whirled around, not
knowing what to expect any more.
"which allowed Ranma to hear"
The SDF-1, the ship that had finally brought peace to the Earth, was
slowly raising into the air after a decade of waiting. Its rocket boosters
flared intently, giving off a torrent of white-blue fire that, foot by foot,
propelled the huge spacecraft upwards.
"slowly rising up into the air"
"Its rocket boosters flared intensely"
In that moment, other thought struck him. If the SDF-1 went away, the
Veritechs would probably follow it. And with the pods still lurking in
Macross, it would be very dangerous for Rick to stay here. Ranma might be
the best martial artist in the world, but there was no way he could face a
dozen of those alien machines. �Well,� thought Ranma, �at least not if I'm
taking care of the kid at the same time.�
"In that moment, another thought struck him"
"Rick, you okay?!" asked Ranma a little louder. There was no answer.
�What the heck's wrong with him?� he wondered, somewhat worried. He didn't
seem injured, and the canopy was intact, with absolutely no signs of an
attack that might have hurt the pilot. He strained his ears in the hope of
perceiving something, much to no avail.
"He strained his ears in the hope of perceiving something, but to no
avail"
"C'mon, kid," said Ranma, trying once more to get Rick's attention,
"snap out of it!" The young pilot was unresponsive, shocked by the events of
the past hour.
This is all from Ranma's viewpoint, so the "shocked by the events" part
is inappropriate, since Ranma has no way to know that information. I
suggest just saying "The young pilot was unresponsive" and leaving it at
that.
Roaming his eyes around the cockpit, Ranma realized to his surprise
that there was someone else in the fighter. A young brunette was slumped in
the rear seat, her head tilted to one side, resting against the canopy. Long
locks of raven hair covered her pale face, making it hard for Ranma to see
her features clearly--but, for some strange reason, he found her awfully
familiar. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that she seemed to be
about the same age than Minmei. Besides, she was wearing very similar
clothes. Actually, she had _just_ the same hair and height...
"His eyes roaming around the cockpit"
Two descriptions of Minmei's hair is too much. I suggest "A young
brunette was slumped in the rear seat, her head tilted to one side, resting
against the canopy. The long locks covered her pale face, making it hard
for Ranma to see her features clearly."
Saying she has the same height doesn't make much sense, because she's
sitting down. I suggest: "Actually, she had just the same hair and
build..."
"Oh, no! Minmei!" She was not moving, either. Perhaps they had been
both knocked unconscious when they crashed into the pod. He needed to check
them and see if they were injured, but he didn't know how to open the
canopy. Sure, he could shatter it; he wouldn't need more than a simple punch
to do so. But then the fighter could be rendered useless, and that was
something he could not permit. The Guardian was Rick and Minmei's only means
of transport, and losing it might probe fatal. Walking was out of the
question--a Battlepod could step on them without even noticing--, and it
would be too dangerous to carry both of them through the battleground
Macross had become. Especially if one of them was injured.
"might prove fatal"
Thanking whoever it was that looked after them, the best martial
artists of the world, Ranma sighed in relief. "Hey, guys! Open up!" he
called. To say Rick was startled by the sight of Ranma standing on the
plane's nose while looking down at him would be an understatement, but he
managed to calm himself enough to comply after a few seconds.
Rick and Minmei are the best martial artists of the world? That's what
the first sentence is implying!
"W-w-wha..." Rick cleared his throat, and tried again, "What're you
doing here?"
The pig-tailed man couldn't help but grin at the sight of Rick's
bewildered face. "I came to see how many buildings you've destroyed since I
left for the shelters, but I lost count when I reached a hundred." Rick
blinked, and Ranma started laughing. Soon, another person's laughter echoed
his, and both men turned around to see Minmei giggling, completely awaken
now.
Either "completely awake by then" or "completely awakened"
"I just walked, okay? In fact," he glanced at Minmei, a hint of
reproach in his voice, "I came looking for a girl that thought she knew
better than his uncle and aunt. You wouldn't happen to know her, by any
chance?"
"thought she knew better than *her* uncle and aunt"
Minmei had the decency to blush at these words. "Sorry," she said,
smiling meekly.
"It's not me who you've gotta apologize with," Ranma said, shrugging.
"Save it for your aunt; she was almost in tears, ya know? Next time, think
before acting."
"who you gotta apologize to"
The Guardian's comm suddenly turned on, and the image of Roy Fokker's
face appeared on the instrument panel's screen. "Sorry to interrupt you,
Little Brother, but the party's over. If we don't hurry, they'll leave
without us; let's go!" He paused, noticing Ranma. "Who's your friend?"
Punctuation- "If we don't hurry, they'll leave without us. Let's go!"
"Don't you dare!" yelled Rick, furious. He quickly calmed down,
though, when he realized what he had just said. "Err, I mean, uh, we don't
want to bother her, right?" He looked nervously towards the rear seat, where
Minmei was looking at him with wide eyes. Quickly turning around, Rick tried
to keep himself from blushing. "But how am I supposed to pilot with this
big, fat old timer here?" asked Rick, obviously upset.
"old-timer"
The Battloid extruded one of its metal tentacles and, much in the same
way in that Ranma had seen before when Rick craft had been repaired, used it
to open a small panel in the side of the Guardian. Its three passengers
suddenly felt themselves shaken around as Roy's machine gently took the
cockpit in its metallic hands, separating it from the rest of the aircraft.
Using a fitment especially built with that purpose, Roy placed it on the
side of his Battloid's right arm.
"Using a fitting especially built for the purpose, Roy attached it to
the side of his Battloid's right arm."
"Oh, don't be such a baby--and stop moving already!" yelled Ranma.
Comma use- "and stop moving, already"
Roy shut down his comm, his ears ringing. How could two people be so
loud, he would never understand. He had better get to the SDF-1 as soon as
possible, before they killed each other. Besides, Minmei would go deaf soon
if those two didn't calm down.
"How two people could be so loud, he would never understand."
The Battloid mechamorphosed to Guardian mode and rose smoothly to the
air on its foot thrusters. The Robotech craft hovered there for a few
seconds, as Roy glanced one last time at the wartorn streets of Macross, and
then jetted off towards its mother ship.
"war-torn"
However, it was also true that that boy ought to have said something.
Why didn't he come clean and say he wasn't a pilot? �Idiot,� thought Lisa,
shaking her head. Well, there was nothing she could do now. She just hoped
that Commander Fokker could save the boy--she didn't want to have a death in
her conscience. Besides, she expected to have a few words with him.
As I recall, he DID say something. She overruled him; and she should
remember that.
A sleek fighter rose swiftly out of the earth's atmosphere. As the air
thinned and the sky blackened, the uttermost silence surrounded the small
craft. No sounds could be heard but the ones coming from the Veritech, and
Roy enjoyed a rare moment of peace as he closed his eyes.
"the utmost silence"
It was easy to forget about the war in times like this. Easy to avoid
thinking of the new threat--the same one he had the feeling would put
humanity in jeopardy once again. So damn easy to keep out of his mind those
terrible words: kill; die; survive. He had learned long before to master his
fear, to control his feelings. Otherwise, he couldn't have fought for so
long; he wouldn't have been able to see so many of his friends die. But,
even now, he sometimes needed to relax and just... forget.
If only they were quiet...
A few paragraphs ago, you said he broke the connection so he wouldn't
hear them. To avoid the contradiction, you'll need to change the earlier
statement.
�Will they ever get tired?� wondered Roy, finally opening his eyes. He
decided to stop the bickering--if that was even possible. He opened up a
communication screen to the other ship and said, "Hold on for a second,
guys. We're arriving." Seeing them closing their mouths for the first time
in long minutes, he radioed, "This is Skull lider to SDF-1, over."
"This is Skull Leader"
A new screen popped up in both ships, and they could see the the face
a woman in it. She appeared to be in her mid-twenties, and had long brown
hair coiled at her shoulders. Her small, elegant features made her very
attractive in the minds of many men, but a frown twisted her face in that
moment. Her eyes roamed around the crowded cockpit, looking in time at Rick,
Ranma and Minmei, who was leaning forward, trying to see the screen. After a
few seconds, however, she seemed to recognize Rick, and settled for glaring
at him.
"Looking in turn at Rick, Ranma and Minmei"
"Is this our mysterious pilot?" she asked, not really expecting an
answer.
"The same and only," answered Roy, grinning.
"The one and only"
Lisa couldn't take it any more, and snapped, "Argh, that does it! What
is your name, you uncouth moron?!" she yelled at a confused Ranma, shaking
with anger.
"Uncouth moron"? Somehow, I just can't picture Lisa saying that. It
sounds more like something Kuno might say.
If there was something Ranma had learned throughout the years was to
recognize the instant a woman was trully and dangerously angry, and this was
one of those. Of course, he had never learned what to do to appease that
anger, but no one is perfect.
Comma use and grammar- "If there was something Ranma had learned
throughout the years, it was to recognize the instant a woman was trully and
dangerously angry, and this was one of those moments."
After knowing of Armor Two's grim destiny, he was convinced of the
fact that the Super Dimensional Fortress One was the only one that could
face the offworld enemy. Unfortunately, that didn't make his actual
situation any less gloomy. He was going to fight a probably unequal battle
against an enemy of unknown recourses, with an untried ship and an
inexperienced crew. Bad odds, indeed.
"unknown resources"
Besides, as the captain of the SDF-1, it was his duty and his
responsibility to face this new threat. He knew that if something went
wrong, he would be the one to blame. That was a lot of pressure, even for a
seasoned captain as him.
"seasoned captain like him" or "for even as seasoned a captain as he"
Something detracted him from his musings, and he looked up to see what
was going on. Apparently, there was some kind of discussion going on in the
bridge. He paid attention, and was able to hear a voice he had never heard
before--a male voice. For some reason, though, it seemed awfully familiar.
He just couldn't put his finger on it, but he was certain he was missing
something really obvious. In fact, he could swear that he had just heard the
owner of the voice saying his name was Ran--
"Something distracted him"
"RANMA!" he yelled at the top of his lungs, shocked. Gloval, almost
running, came to Lisa's board, where two different screens were displayed.
One of them showed Commander Fokker's familiar face, trademarked nonchalant
look included. Of course, Gloval knew appearances could be deceptive,
especially in Roy's case. He had known the young fellow for more than a
decade now; actually, Roy had been one of the few survivors of the group
that had explored the SDF-1 when it had first crashed. He couldn't be
considered his friend, not at all--but he knew perfectly that flying wasn't
a game in the blond youth's mind. Sometimes, he knew, you had to build a
facade in order to keep the horrors of war at bay.
If I recall correctly, the captain's chair is only about 3 or 4 steps
away from Lisa's station. Not much room for "almost running".
The other screen was cramped with three startled faces. Two belonged
to teenagers: a boy and a girl. A mop of dark hair covered the boy's
forehead, and he was staring at him with his big brown eyes. In his opinion,
the kid was in desperate need of a comb--he would never understand this
obsession young men had with messing up their hairs. It seemed all his
pilots wore long hairstyles, regardless of their rank. Hell, he was certain
they would mutiny if he ever forced them to visit the hairdresser's.
"he would never understand this obsession young men had with messy hair"
"Hell, he was certain they would mutiny if he ever forced them to visit
the barber's"
He had been right, he was Ranma. �Thank God he's fine.� Gloval
sighed, relieved. But, a second later, he winced, as he recalled how Ranma
had called him. He could already see the members of the bridge bunnies
covering their mouths with their hands, trying to stifle sudden fits of
giggles. Only Lisa seemed serious, although she was looking at him with
wide, incredulous eyes.
Comma use- "Thank God, he's fine."
"But a second later, he winced as he recalled how Ranma had addressed
him."
�Why'd he have to remember _that_?� he thought, cursing inwardly.
Years ago, Ranma had given him that nickname. He hadn't said a thing at the
moment, of course--but, in his opinion, it was silly and embarrassing.
Gloval looked around, and the women that formed his crew hastened to put
straight faces. He could still see the mirth in their eyes, though.
"He hadn't said a thing at the time, of course"
Switching his attention back to his "nephew", Gloval said, "Come to
the ship, Ranma. You'll later tell me what happened to you." Ranma nodded,
and Gloval turned to Roy, "Bring Ranma back safely, Commander." There was no
time to take Ranma to the shelters back in Macross. Besides, if the enemy
was as dangerous as he thought, then Ranma would as safe in the SDF-1 as
anywhere else.
"You can tell me later what happened to you"
"Bring Ranma here safely, Commander" (Ranma hasn't been on the ship yet,
so he can't be brought 'back')
Gloval saw how Lisa clenched her fists, as her eyes narrowed. He made
a mental note to degrade Roy, and proceeded to think of ways to overcome the
current crisis.
"He made a mental note to repremand Roy, and"
"I'll leave you in the Captain's quarters. Stay there. The Captain
will probably have to stay at the bridge for a while, but I'll let him know
you're waiting for him, 'kay?" said Roy, accelerating. The engine roared,
and the green and brown troop vehicle raced into yet another empty
compartment.
"I'll drop you off near the Captain's quarters"
�Umm, where would be this 'bridge' place?� asked Ranma to himself. He
didn't know anything about spaceships--or about ships in general, for that
matter. The only bridges he knew were the ones built over a river...
"Um, where would this 'bridge' place be?"
"That will be all, Lisa!" Gloval cut in, hotly.
'Hotly' implies a loss of control. How about "Gloval cut in, firmly"
instead?
"Serves her right," muttered Ranma under his breath. Gloval glared at
him, and Ranma decided that being quiet was the most intelligent thing to
do. Seeing this, Gloval turned around and sullenly headed to his seat.
Same thing with 'sullenly'. It has the wrong connotations for the
situation. It makes him sound like a spoiled child.
The seconds slowly ticked away as everyone waited in complete silence
once again. After what looked like a year, Claudia, the SDF-1's brown-faced
Bridge Officer, began the countdown: "We will enter fold in ten seconds...
nine..."
Um... I really think you should come up with a better description of her
skin tone than "brown-faced"!!!!
"I hate you," said quietly Lisa, looking at Ranma from the corner of
her eye.
"said Lisa quietly"
A glove of energy surrounded the SDF-1, so bright that hundreds of
sailors--witnessing the event from the supercarriers Prometheus and
Daeladus--were blinded by it and forced to close their eyes. With the same
intensity as a hundred supernovas, the glove expanded, soon containing the
whole island of Macross. The city, the harbour, the shelters; all of them
were swallowed by the white energy and lost in an ocean of light.
"A globe of energy"
"the globe expanded"
"soon covering the whole island"
In American English, it's spelled "harbor". Since you aren't using
British spelling anywhere else, you should probably change that.
All in all, a pretty good chapter. I'll be waiting for the copy you
want me to post.
Ja mata,
LarryF
http://lwf58.tripod.com