Brian
Oi! I'm here! I'm finally back in the same time zone as you are
(yea, Washington!) and I've managed to settle down (a little) into the
groove of things. ^_^ Sorry to have made you wait. ^_^;
At any rate, I'm looking forward to reading this. I snuck on over
to your site (and a smashing site it is, old chap) and I read the first
chapter. Suffice to say, it was excellent as usual. I'm interested to
see how Gos, Akane and the rest of the gang fit into "The Matrix."
(B.Na rubs hands gleefully in anticipation.) Anyway, enough of the
chit-chat, let's get the C & C on! ^_^ (Yes, yes, my humor is a bit
cheddary, but I'm still a bit wonky in the head from the difference in
time zones.)
<snip the opening paragraph>
I really like the beginning. There's a nice, jaded edge to
it--and it's a tone that one wouldn't expect from the shy, bumbling and
creepy Gos. The Gos you present in this fic is definitely different from
the character in the manga, but it works. ^_^ (Sounds rather familiar,
eh?) This worldly, sharp Gos is quite interesting--I can't wait to see
how his character is developed/expanded in this work.
He just did his job, with as little fanfare as possible and as
professionally as he could.
(B.Na, the grammatical dicator, branishes the iron sceptre to
issue a new decree. . .) Seriously, I think the comma after "job" can be
deleted as it jars the flow of the sentence.
Then, he'd retire to his apartment and get drunk, and try to forget what
he'd seen.
O_o Gos gets drunk? Egads, this is definitely a different
Gos. I relish it! (By the bye, what does meek little Gos get drunk
from? ^_^)
They had made an odd sight, on the way back to the Nekohanten. No one
had noticed them, though, which struck Gosunkugi as odd.
Two things here: firstly, I think you can get rid of the comma
after "odd sight" as it is unnecessary and again, it interrupts the flow
of the sentence. Secondly, I think the shift into the flashback, though
it works, seems a bit off. The scene describes a bit of Gos's
personality/character/traits and then--quite subtly--begins to describe
past events. The shift, however, is a bit too subtle--in fact, I
think it's so subtle, it's a bit strange. The reader is in the middle
before he/she begins to realize that he/she has begun something
else. I'm not quite sure if this is the effect you're after; if you are,
it's quite smashing really. I think, however, that if this is not what
you aimed for, the scene needs a little tweaking. I can't really think
of anything off the top of my head (recall, the noggin is a bit wonky),
but perhaps you might want to play with the tenses a little bit or insert
a sentence or two about how Gos began his walk down memory lane (again,
the cheddary humor. . . *sigh* I wish I can stop it but it keeps
popping out. . .)
Gosunkugi blinked, then stumbled into the kitchen and filled a glass
with hot water.
I think you can take out the comma after "blinked." Again, see
the grammatical dictator's notes written in the previous section.
The man waved a hand. "Vaguely, at best." He looked up at Gosunkugi,
brows knitted in concentration. "I know some people who need to speak with
you, Hikaru Gosunkugi."
Great way to end this scene! ^_^ You have a real knack for
intelligent, tantalizaing "leave-the-reader-hanging" scenes. ^_^ It's
something that I admire about your writing--while wanting to bash you
across the head, Akane-style, for doing it.
Two leather chairs, a desk, a computer, and a small bookshelf
left very little room to move around, but the way it was laid out, you
didn't notice it.
Hmm, I think this sentence needs to be adjusted a bit. It seems a
bit awkward and a little ungrammatical. ^_^ I suggest this: "The two
leather chairs, desk, computer and small bookshelf left very little room
to move around, but the way in which they were laid out, one [this is
negotiable--"you" also works just as well] didn't notice it."
He held out his hand, palm up. A largish red pill rested there.
It's probably just me, but the "largish" adjective seems out of
place and a bit clumsy. I would replace it with "large."
"The girl you think you love is married to another, and doesn't even
know you exist.
"How close am I?"
I think "How close am I?" needs to be attached to the previous
sentence, "The girl. . ." as both are being spoken by Jed
Jed looked at him wordlessly, and held out the pill once more.
Delete the comma after "wordlessly."
Gosunkugi eyed it, glanced down at himself, then shuddered. He grabbed
the pill and choked it down in a gulp.
Here, I think it would be nice to describe Gos's thoughts a
little. In other words, what motivated Gos to take the pill? I suppose
this answer lies in what Jed had said (hey look, it rhymes! ^_^), but I
still believe that some description would give the reader a clearer
understanding of the impetus behind his decision. If not that, a little
sentence or two describing Gos's expression would do as well.
The room they entered looked like a cross between a mad scientists
laboratory and a telephone switching station.
An apostrophe in "scientist's."
Terminals and monitors stood
all over the room, festooned with wires and cables. A lone black chair
rested at the center of the room. It's very plainness was unnerving.
Hmm, I think the word choice is a bit off. The way in which you
describe the room--garlanded with wires and cables and cluttered with
monitors--it doesn't seem "plain" to me. Rather, the room seems a bit
busy and crowded, actually, with all the equipment.
Gosunkugi yelped in surprise as he felt
his shirt being roughly pulled over his head, and off.
I think you need to delete the "and off." Since you've already
written that the shirt was pulled over his head--which implies that it was
taken off--the last phrase is redundant.
Those just *had* to be fake, didn't they?
"Have a seat, Gos. I promise I won't bite."
Gosunkugi whimpered.
Hee hee! ^_^ I can just imagine Gos cowering in his seat. One
thing, however: I think "didn't they" is a bit off. I believe you meant,
"weren't they" or "right?" I wish I can explain why that is, but my brain
fails me. Just take my word for it. ^_^
<snip the scene between Gos and Crystal>
Wonderfully funny and sexy scene. ^_^ I love it! The interplay
between those two is hilarious, biting and charged with energy. ^_^
Brilliant work here, Brian. ^_^ This is the first time I've seen such a
scene in fanfiction. I'd gush some more, but unfortunately, I haven't the
time. :( Suffice to say, it's great. ^_^
Then, darkness and silence, so complete he could hear his own heartbeat
as though it were being amplified through concert-quality speakers.
Again, I think the comma after "Then" needs to be taken out. It
detracts from the intensity and the suddenness of the scene.
He tried to scream, and couldn't - a large tube was in his mouth.
I believe you should write "but couldn't" since the sentence seems
to want to convey a condition or something contradictory or
something. . . Okay, that sounds rather lame--again, a scholarly
explanation of why it should be so cannot be given--but trust me, it seems
to work better.
could see masses of cables that slowly pulsed, in time with a dull, resonant
bass thumping that was felt more than heard, sounding almost like a
heartbeat.
Snip out the comma after "pulsed." Again, it breaks the flow of
the sentence.
<snip Gos's "awakening">
Very vivid! You've captured the movie's scene clearly--you convey
the same eerieness and frightening quality of the original. Great!
Benjamin Richards, late of the United States Navy, did not like the
looks of the new 'cruit.
Um, I'm not sure what you meant by "late of the United States
Navy" but I assume that it's a typo.
<snip scene of Ben's tussle with a Sentry>
Wonderful, wonderful description! ^_^ My eyes are fairly popping
out! It's extremely vivid--the numerous details, deft turn of phrase and
description really brings this particular to life in my mind.
the Tokyo complex. It was a large, circular room, with a central bank of
stations that the Operators used to track and assist teams that were 'in the
field'.
<snip explain on the matrix--i.e. concept of death/physical pain>
I love how you described this--it clarifies a crucial point in the
original movie to those unfamiliar with it. Moreover, it has undertaken
to describe a concept--very successfully, I might add--that was originally
shown in the film. It would have been difficult to explain this idea in
words (it's a lot easier to visualize and understand it after you've seen
Keanu Reeves experience it), but you managed to capture it here.
Now, Jed was wondering just why in hell the AI's hadn't simply flushed
the boy a long time ago.
Leave out the comma after "now" as it detracts from the immediacy
that the sentence seems to portray.
stress was really starting to get to him, and the new mysteries that had
cropped up lately were only adding to it. Consider:
Delete the comma after "him" as it is unnecessary.
did. This was the Matriarchs bailiwick; she claimed to know what was
An apostrophe in "Matriarch."
The sheets of his hospital bed fell back, and he shivered in the sudden
cold. He looked around in confusion.
Again, delete the comma after "back."
He was in a hospital room, and a depressingly typical one at that. It
was small, cramped, and had the usual assortment of outlets, readouts, and
Leave out the comma after "room" and "cramped."
He stifled a yawn. He'd been up all night the night before, and there was
only so much caffeine could do.
Delete the comma after "before."
He gulped, and nodded.
Extract the comma after "gulped."
"Good!" she said, and placed a hand on his forehead, holding his head
Take out the comma after "said."
through the plug on the back of his skull. The pain was intense, and the
pleasure was exquisite, both like nothing he'd ever felt before. He both
Extract the comma after "intense."
A great roaring filled his mind, and his vision went white, then both
faded away... and the pain/pleasure stopped. He opened his eyes.
Again, take out the comma after "mind."
He stood on the sidewalk of a busy city street, and as he noticed it,
the sounds reached his ears.
Delete the comma after "street."
<snip the scene between the Old Ghoul and Tofu>
Another cliffhanger. Darn you, Brian! You better be working
those fingers on the keyboard right smart! I want to read the third
chapter soon! Pronto, in fact!
Seriously, though, awesome, wonderful chapter. With the exception
of a few grammatical errors and the somewhat awkward opening scene, this
was seamless, flawless. . .superb in short. I see that I'm somewhat
mistaken in my initial estimation of Gos--there is sitll that timidity
about him that was also in the manga. I see that I'm also mistaken on a
few other things as well. But that's good (though rather embarrassing for
me); the reader, I find, cannot make assumptions about this fic--it can
twist and turn in any which way. It's a fic that's full of
surprises. I'm interested to see whether the rest of the "Ranma
1/2" gang will come out, but even if they don't, this fic can definitely
do without them (that was a rather dangerous thing to say, wasn't
it? I feel as if I've made some "Ranma 1/2" fans a bit
peeved. . .) Can't wait to see what happens next!
B.Na