Subject: [FFML] [C&C][TM] What, Where, Who? : Who is Tenchi?
From: Andrew Petalik
Date: 6/14/2000, 1:36 AM
To: "Dewin Duvae" <duvae@swipnet.se>, ffml@fanfic.com

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This is not a retelling of Tenchi (Such as is very popular with Ranma)

I frown upon such comments. It risks setting any Ranma fanfic author reading this against you... and since I assume you want as much exposure as possible, this is a bad tact to take.

If you want C&C, it is best to avoid annoying your audience.

It is
not even a story of how things might have been. Rather it is the story of
how things might be if a someone chose to see just that.

Hunh? That made no sense to me.

There was blueness, there was fluidity, there was wetness and...   there was
the wale. Tenchi watched it swim around in Washus water tanks. He wondered
                                           Washuu's

how she had gotten something like that. Did she capture it herself or did
she just buy it from an aquarium? Maybe she had made it herelf, like she had
I don't like the feel of this sentence. The tenses are screwy. Try this:
Had she captured it herself or had she simply bought it from an aquarium?

Note: I don't think any aquarium would be willing to sell a whale to Washuu or anyone. This would be a bit more believable to suspect that she had simply snatched it right out of the ocean.

He was searching for Washu. There was a very important question he wanted to
ask her. It might even affect his relationship with the girls around him.

Hmmm... I wonder what exactly is on Tenchi's mind to get him to think this.

You may want to consider a bit of inner reflection here... if only to give us (the reader) an idea of what exactly is going on here.

He heard a faint scratching sound sound just behind him and turned around in
time to see Washu still sneaking up on him. Though it looked more like she

 time to see Washuu still trying to sneak up on him.

was walking very casually. "Hello Washu." He said in a serious tone of
voice. "Hello Tenchi, what can I do to you today?" She put on a manical grin
that quite obviously was strained.

Washuu is notoriously good at hiding her feelings. She's had eons to practice. I would find the passage more believable if the passage went:
She put on her trade-mark maniacal grin, but if you knew where to look, you could tell that is was strained.

Tenchi made a face. "It's not a tiny thing. Especially not with the position
I'm in."

She smiled "No, but... What answer is it you want?"

He furrowed his eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

"There are a number of possible answers. The most direct and the least
informative one is; you are you. Then there are the titles you hold; you are
the one my daughters loves, prince of Jurai, son of Noboyuki and much more,
all of wich you know. But I'm guessing that those weren't the answers you
wanted?"

Nice passage. This would be in character for Washuu to think these things. What isn't in character is the execution.

Typical Washuu is for her to give those answers seriously... but mean it as a joke. She loves to fluster Tenchi. He would try to stutter a clarification... then she would give him a more meaningful answer.

"I'm not going to go through all that existensial drivel just to cheer you
up so..."

Hmmm... this implies that she knows. Does she?

Washu sighed. "I should think that should be up to you. Now, I'm kind of in
the middle of something..."

You use the word "should" twice. It's bad form. Try replacing the first should with would.

"oh, That." Washu laughed emabarassedly. "That's the analyser. It it's only

embarassedly? Not likely. "Washuu laughed." is enough.

nessecary if the subject can't answer the questions and it's quite painful.

 necessary

You don't need to worry about it."

This piece doesn't go together too well.

Try this:
It's only necessary if the subject can't answer the questions himself. It's quite painful so I wouldn't recommend using it unless you really want an answer.

"Look is there anything else I need to tell you?"

 "Look, is there anything else you need me for?"

Tenchi shook his head and settled down in front of the psyco 50.000. "I'll
be okay now Washu-chan." Washu nodded and quickly walked away to work on
whatever it was she was working on.

This little piece is clumsy. Try this:
Washuu nodded and walked away, presumedly to get back to whatever she put on hold to talk with the young hero.

Between you and me, I would expect Washuu to secretly stick around and see what the Psycho 50.000 turns up. I'm sure she would find that information VERY interesting... considering all the things about him that don't make sense.

Tenchi looked at the pscyo 50.000. He
waited for the sound of Washus fotstepps to completely disappear, then he
asked a very simple question. "Why?"

I think such an existential question is beyond Tenchi.

Of course, he does have some special insight into things... and his grandfather has treated him to some rather unorthodox training so I suppose it isn't too far-fetched.

Hard to say.

He sat there mulling over quirky answer until he shook himself and continued

                         the

"Because of what?".

"Not enough data." "Tell me what is wrong."
Tenchi decided that there were two voices. One mechanical, from the machine
and one voice from behind his neck a meter or two away. when they spoke, the
later came in just as the former stopped. Without pause.

Hmmm... maybe Washuu stuck around after all.


"I..." He scratched the back of his neck. "don't know."

"Subject is unsure." "What is the reason for your question?"

"I want to know who I am. Why these things happen to me. What is wrong. I
want to know why I got to this position."

Good passage. The language is clumsy and unsure... like someone trying to ask a question, but isn't too sure what the question really is.

"Subject want analysis of self." "Tell me everything that has happened to

          wants

you since birth."

"This isn't getting me anywhere. Psyco 50.000, please use the analyser."
Tenchi sat down in the plush chair. He doubled over, pain etching istelf
across his face. Bluish light seeped out of the floor and crept up his his
feet like slime flowing upwards. Building on itself until it surrounded him
like a corona. Tenchi himself faded out and the blue light shone brighter,
seeming almost white.

Beautiful description. I could see the whole thing in my mind's eye.

Gary Kleppe has this habit of telling authors to describe things from the characters point of view. This piece *might* benefit from this. Imagine:
Tenchi sat down in the plush chair. Suddenly, he doubled over as bolts of pain ran up and down his body. Gasping heavily, he forced his eyes open enough to see a bluish light flowing out of the floor and creeping up over him. He felt a moment of fear as questioned the sanity of putting himself inside one of Washuu's crazy inventions. He tried to get away... but the corona of light held him firmly. Like a drowning man trying to keep his head above water, he tried to keep his face free... but it was of no avail. Moments later, he was completely encased in the brightly glowing blue light. The light intensified, almost turning white, making it painful to keep his eyes opened... then everything faded away.

It depends on the effect you're going for. This might defeat what you are trying to accomplish.

Suddenly a ball of green parted from rest and drifted slowly upwards.
Following that, a red ball of light shot out and hit the glass panel. It
drunkenly moved backwards and settled down on the ground beneath the other
two. The white turned blue again and they all shrank down until they could
no longer be seen. Tenchi was gone only leaving behind the whirring noises
of the psyco 50.000..

Sounds like Tenchi is a Transformer and the machine removed his spark. ^_^

Two hours later Washu came back and looked around. "Funny, that thing should
have occupied him for at least an hour longer. Oh well. Psyco, what
conclusion did subject arrive at?"

Are you saying that he was done or that he was not done. I would think that Washuu would be able to tell if her own invention was still in use.

"It must have been more important than I thought. I hope he asks Yosho next,
he is much better at this kind of thing."

It's not like Washuu to admit that anyone is better than her. She would word it along the lines that Yosho would be a better person to see than her since he knows Tenchi better.

Attitude is everything.

                *              *              *             *


In three other places, three other times, three (other) people wake up.

                                                                woke

In a classroom, a young kid suddenly sat up straight. He had been sleeping a
moment earlier. Fortunately (or unfortunately as the case might become) no
one else was there either. "What?"

This little piece smells of cross-over. I can envision Ranma in exactly this situation.

In a suite befitting a king (or any in the Juraian nobility) a young man
slowly shook the fatigue away from him. "It does not befit noble people to
sleep during daylight" His mothers voice reminded him. "Where?"

I wonder which royalty thinks that way?

Out in the forest, sunlight shone over a young scruffy persons face.
Essentially waking the him. "Wh- Who?"

 This last phrase makes no sense to me. What are you trying to say?

In Washus laboratory, the psyco 50.000 was working full time...

This is Tenchi it's working on... of course it is. ^_^

- - -  - - -  - - -  - - -  - - -  - - -  - - -  - - -  - - -  - -



Nevermind. If you liked this story please tell me. If not...  Say something
constructive.

I do like it. Obviously. I never C&C something I don't like.

I have several comments to make.

<Begin Constructive Criticism>
1- Run your stuff through a spell-checker. I found enough that I didn't bother pointing them all out. Most of them are blatant spelling mistakes.

2- Which Tenchi Muyo series is this based off of. The OVA of the TV series. In the OVA, Tenchi has the Radiant Hawk Wings. A plot element that is a major source of inquiry for all the characters... especially Tenchi.

3- Re-read your stuff before posting it. Some of the passages made me think that you were writing your idea down as fast as you could before it slipped away. I know what that's like... but I don't know your idea... so clean it up for us poor readers.

4- Watch your characterizations. Tenchi is shy and easily embarrassed.

Washuu, on the other hand, is feisty, bubbly, perceptive, brilliant... and absolutely sure of herself. She is not shy or self-deprecating, ever.

And one of the biggest scientific mysteries (in the OVA) is Tenchi himself. He can do and has access to things which are just not possible. Any chance she has to unravel the mystery of Tenchi is never turned down.

For him to subject himself to one of her devices willingly is a major boon.

5- It is considered bad form to describe events in anything but past tense. For the most part, you have your story in past tense... but there are a couple of places where it's in the present. I think I can attribute it to brain-storming. ^_^
<End Begin Constructive Criticism>

I enjoyed the story because it seems to go in a direction which has never really been explored before. Who is Tenchi? What is he? A child of the Gods? Why is he the vessel of such awesome power? I am very interested in seeing where you take it.

This fic manages to give a vague impression of where it's going without giving anything away. That's well done.

Well, I'm running out of things to say. Amidst the technical problems, I see a  brilliantly original idea which I would hate to see die. I do hope you continue.

 ___________
/ Here lies:\  Save the whales...
|   Andrew    |    Harpoon a Honda.
|             |
|   I think   |
| he's hungry | Honk Louder! I don't have a firing solution yet!
|             |


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