----- Original Message -----
From: Leif J. <leif_wj@yahoo.com>
To: Gary Kleppe <kleppe@mediaone.net>
Sent: Sunday, June 11, 2000 6:57 PM
Subject: Re: [FFML] Re: [Fanfic][Ranma] Ki no Jozu
Gary Kleppe <kleppe@mediaone.net> wrote:
Snip stock dojo opening scene. Again, does this have anything to do with
your story? It's such standard stuff that it's more likely to bore off
readers than anything else.
You're probably right, it's just there for fun. I got this funny mental
picture of Genma with all that food crammed in his face, and wanted to put
it there. I'll get rid of all the particuallarly worthless stuff, though.
Secondly, the boys gave up attacking Akane way back in volume 1 of the
series. Unless they think for some reason Akane and Ranma have ended
their engagement, there's no reason for her to have to demolish them.
(And in any case, it certainly isn't usual for her.)
I thought about that after I wrote that, then forgot all about it. I'm not a
newbie to the series, just a tad careless.
Kijo sat down and Miss Hinako started the day's lesson. The students
waited
until lunchtime, then assaulted him. "You travel a lot? Have you been to
China? To Jusenkyo? Are you cursed? Are you a martial artist? Do you know
Ranma? What was your name again?"
Kijo sweated nervously, then answered, "Yeah, I travel a lot, I've been
to
China, never heard of Jusenkyo, I don't think I'm cursed, I do martial
arts,
I don't know Ranma, and my name is Kijo Kuraki."
"Are you single?"
Why are they so interested in this guy? No male at Furinkan, Ranma
included, got this kind of reception in the manga.
Well, they didn't have particually strange lives until Ranma showed up.
After Ranma shows up, Nerima is synonymous with chaos, so who knows what
surprises other new people might have in store? Maybe I will get rid of it,
though.
"Can I eat my lunch?" he asked, very nervous. Everyone looked at each
other,
shrugged, and walked away. He sighed in relief. He looked around, and saw
a
few people who hadn't joined in the questioning. (Guess who? Yep, that's
right.) He walked over to Ranma, Akane, and Ukyo.
The parenthetical narrator intrusion is annoying. Don't talk directly to
the reader; it ruins the flow of the story.
Good point. I remember this one story that had those about three a
paragraph, and it was infuriating.
Ranma snorted. "Nerima is loaded. All three of us are martial artists, if
not very good ones." He grunted as Akane's bento flew into his mouth.
"Ow!
You uncute tomboy, whadja do that for?"
"You're such a jerk, Ranma!" She yelled at him.
This would've been more convincing if he'd somehow indicated Akane as
the not very good one. BTW, "she" shouldn't be capitalized there. She's
yelling the line of dialog, not just yelling.
I noticed this before, and it didn't sound right, but was too wrapped up in
making more story to fix it.
When school was over, Ranma called out, "Hey Kijo! Wanna come to our
place?"
Missing comma: "Hey, Kijo!
It just depends on how you say it. Say it quickly, 'Hey Jijo!', no pause, no
need for a comma.
=> >Ryoga looked around nervously, then dropped down beside him. "I think I
can
show you this. You promise you won't tell anyone?" Kijo shrugged. "That
depends."
"Within reason?" Ryoga pleaded. Kijo nodded. "Sure."
RYOGA: I turn into a cute little animal so I can sleep with an
unsuspecting young woman.
KIJO: You call THAT within reason?!?
(Since you're a newbie, I'll point out that bits like this in my C&C are
stuck in for entertainment value, and aren't generally intended as a
comment on your fic.)
I know this, and don't mind at all.
"Good night!" he called as he shut the door.
Ryoga lied down on the bed and took his shoes off. He gave a silent
thanks
to kami-sama for his gratitude.
"Gratitude" means thanks; you want something like "generosity" here
instead.
True, true.
Overall impressions: Your writing style is certainly very readable, and
there's only one major grammatical problem -- letting more than one
speaker talk in the same paragraph. Your descriptions, however, are
rather dull and standard. Look for different, more creative ways to
describe the significant action in the story.
I've noticed this, but I'm still glad you pointed it out to me. I've seen
that the major problem with my writing is too much dialogue, not enough
graphic action.
As for the story, well... frankly, there needs to be one. We've been
introduced to what's his name, but there's nothing to indicate that he's
a possible threat to anyone or is any way going to be involved in any
sort of conflict. It's nice that Ryoga has a friend, but it hardly makes
for something interesting to read about. You've shown us this character;
now give us a reason to be interested in him.
I just posted a tad of my story, the rest to follow. I've written more, but
it needs to be re-written now.
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