From: Brian Payne <sofaspud@sofaspud.org> wrote:
I'm currently re-writing it, pretty much from the beginning, cuz I can tell
it needs more than a few simple changes. It'll maintain the original idea,
but it's still different.
It's big. That's all.
Yes, but 'big' as in the size, or 'big' as in the power? I kinda got
the impression that it was both...
I added that as a convinience, but who else in the story has a lot of
money?
Besides Kuno.
Well, true, but taken with everything else, it's just too much. And
it's a suspiciously convenient starting point for a possible Kijo-Nabiki
matchup. :)
I'm gonna leave this, cuz the other stuff won't be added, so it won't be too
much. I did read one fic where the new character was rich and ended up with
Nabiki.... Hmm...... I'm not gonna do that, though.
So can Herb. Did anyone complain to Takahashi about that?
Well, *I* wouldn't be comparing myself to Takahashi-sama, were I you,
but... ;)
I realized immediately after posting that that it was a mistake to compare
my fic with Takahashi's manga, cuz my arguments were quickly, justifiably,
shot down. And I got the idea of him flying from Herb, or it probably
wouldn't be there.
Paragraph breaks: The rule for paragraph breaks in dialogue is, when
another character starts talking, it's time for a new paragraph. For
example:
(from Ki No Jozu 1)
Change:
Genma dropped to the ground. "Never assume that everything you
plan
will work. Wish I'd have thought of that one, though..." he muttered
under
his breath. Ranma bounced one of the rocks from the pond off the back of
his head. "I heard that! You think it was a good idea! Ha!"
Couple people mentioned this, and I've been careful to stop.
Yes, but there's conflict right from the beginning - Akane and Ranma's
engagement, Ranma's ongoing quest to find a cure (which is, if not 'the',
at
least one of the main plots throughout the series), trying to fit in at
school, etc. Conflict is the essence of a story - without it, all you've
got is a documentary, and a boring one at that.
Again, it was a mistake to compare my fic with Takahashi's manga.
For example, it'd be much more interesting if, right from the
beginning,
we knew that, say, Kijo's reason for coming to Nerima was that he was
trying
to come to grips with himself after that ritual human sacrifice he had
attended last week, and had heard of the legendary Master Happosai, who
had
the ability to make ANYTHING look decent in comparison to the acts the
master himself engaged in on a regular basis.
Might not be bad idea........ heh heh
Seriously, you need to hook us right from the start. Takahashi-sama
did
it with Ranma's desire to find a cure. If you look, that premise starts
in
volume (or episode, if you're into anime continuity) one and goes through
the end of the series. THAT's the sort of hook you need - one overriding
desire of the main character that takes the whole story to accomplish (or,
to at least develop the character to the point where they no longer desire
whatever-it-was). Sure, there's sub-plots along the way, but you need to
lay the groundwork for the overall goal right from the start.
I plan to do that in the re-write.
Talking to the reader. Hoo, boy, is that annoying. I'd drop
it,
myself - we can figure out what you mean without you explaining it.
If
this
were a comedy, I'd say run with it (within reason). A good example,
IMO,
would be Girl Days, by Kenko. He comments to the readers all the
time...
but it's done in an acceptable fashion, the story isn't adversely
affected,
and the general tone of the story is conducive to just that. Yours,
OTOH,
is not.
I tried to keep from doing that....
It was pretty prevalent in chapter one, it's gotten better since.
I at first wanted this to be a comedy fic, but soon found I'm no good at
those, but forgot to get rid of those. They are annoying, and I'm getting
rid of 'em.
If you don't have the usuals, it's not Ranma anymore. Cliches will be
avoided, though.
Well... yes and no. Some things are okay, some aren't - it's really a
matter of personal choice. But, for example, what exactly was the purpose
of Ranma and Genma fighting at the start of chapter one? There doesn't
seem
to have been a purpose for that beyond tossing in stock Ranma scenes to
flesh out your story... which is unnecessary; your story should stand on
it's own. Now, if Kijo had WITNESSED the fight, and later on said to
Ranma,
"Hey, I saw you fighting this morning - you really suck! And what was
with
that panda?", I could understand it. But that wasn't what happened.
I don't really wanna lose the stock scene, so I'll take your suggestion and
weave it into the story.
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