Jitou <pach001@info.com.ph> wrote:
There's also the problem of lines which sometimes are unclear
who is saying it, such as:
:Kijo grinned. "Thanks a lot. You guys know my name?" They all nodded.
"OK,
:so you are?" Akane spoke up, "I'm Akane Tendo, this is Ranma Saotome, and
:this is Ukyo Kuonji. Pleased to meet you." Ranma looked thoughtful.
:"Are you a martial artist?"
:"Yeah..."
:Ranma grinned. "Cool! You'll fit in fine around here."
It seems Ranma asked the 2nd paragraph I quoted, but it's
not readily apparent. I believe it's in the way you break
the paragraph. The last line of the first paragraph,
"Ranma looked thoughtful," should be part of the 2nd
paragraph, to associate the question "Are you a martial
artist?" with Ranma.
I do that a lot, and you're right. If I made it, "'Are you a martial arist?'
he asked." It'd probably be a lot smoother.
With the techinical aspect done and over with, let's get
to the story itself. Gary once again complains that there
doesn't seem to be a story. Well, once again, people seem
to forget that Ranma manga and anime as well don't seem
to have much story either.
This was my argument exactly.
Some people act a little OOC, and yes, there is that
question of why Akane is beating up on the boys in the
morning. I do recall she stopped doing that early on.
I know, just forgot. By the way, what's OOC mean?
Anyway, I'm assuming that the reason everyone's so
friendly with this guy is because of his highly
developed ki. People with strong ki usually exude a
peaceful atmosphere which attracts a lot of people
and animals and even plants.
Hmm, that could be it, but the reason I had in mind is that he hasn't shown
any non-likable characteristics yet.
Now, my only real quibble with this fic: as you pointed
out, you've created a new, quite powerful character. This
fic almost looks like it's going to follow the GSIF-style
fic, which I personally hate.
I've been thinking about this, and am considering toning down his ability.
If Kijo beats up Ranma, Ryouga, and everyone else in a
real battle, that would clinch it; this really is a GSIF,
even if you didn't insert yourself anywhere.
Don't worry, Kijo's not gonna beat everyone up.
Anyway, the elements are there: we've got a new character,
who seems to be ultra popular. The way he can manage the
regulars of the cast makes it seem that Kijo can manipulate
them and fix their relationships if he so chose.
That's kind of why he's there.... but if people don't like that, and if it's
a little cliched, I'll change it.
All I hope is that this fic won't turn into a GSIF-style
fic, and I hope that Kijo isn't a very good fighter. I do
hate GSIF fics, after all. ^_^
If Kijo has any martial arts ability, it will be very little. He did say his
family had a distinct style. They rely soley on ki. By the way, I know the
SFI meands self insertion fic, but what about the G?
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Talk to your friends online with Yahoo! Messenger.
http://im.yahoo.com