C&C Below. Snippage throughout.
Contains gratuitous sexual innuendo and obscure references.
I have not read any of the other C&C, so if there's a duplication
of comments, it means you *really* need to fix the problem. If
there's a duplication of jokes it's because the other person couldn't
think of anything original. ;)
I'll spare you the comments on the use of Japanese and Italian.
The line between two seasons was drawn, on this day, in the contrasting tones
between the slight chill of a breeze and the welcome warmth of the sun. It was
a time of transition, caring little for official dates scribed on manmade
calendars that decide for one when Winter would end and Spring would begin.
cap: winter
cap: spring
Hmmm... This opening is too artsy-fartsy for my tastes
(to use a technical term). Especially the gratuitous use
of a subordinate clause in the middle of the first sentence.
The breeze ruffled the black hair and the sunlight warmed the bronzed skin of
a man sitting on a bench, set in from the sidewalk encircling a large traffic
square. The square was a meadow of sprouting green in an urban forest of
concrete and glass, such structures slowly overtaking even the more
traditional and warmer constructions of wood and plaster. The man was, as was
his wont, lost, but he'd long since burned out his anger over that state of
being, and one traffic square was as good as the next.
RYOGA: No no, I was *frustrated* about being lost. I was angry
about Ranma ruining my life. Fortunately I got over that.
RANMA: [glancing down at fic] How do you define "ruining one's life"?
[...]
Out of long habit, he jumped at the sound of water splashing on the ground,
but he smiled at the familiar but long-unheard shout of an annoyed woman.
"Whaddya do THAT for?! Ba-a-ka!!"
RANMA: Baka is three syllables?
AKANE: Don't be a dummy.
Suggest just drawing the 'a's rather than using a hyphen.
At least he now knew the name of this stretch of urban forest.
RYOGA: [wistful] Ah, Kyoto. How long has it been?
====================
Cast a Second Line into the Sea
Any relation to "Who's Line Is It?"
AKANE, SHAMPOO, UKYO, KODACHI: Got him!
RANMA: [staring at suction-cup covered body] Uh, oh...
SHAMPOO: Aiya! We all hit him?
UKYO: Who's he going to love?
AKANE: All of us evenly?
KODACHI: Not so, for I brought a second magic fishing line!
[pulls out second line and prepares to use it]
RANMA: [in a fit of inspiration, splashes self]
KODACHI: [realizing her line is attached to girl-type's
forehead] Ah!!! Stay away from me! I don't want
a girl to love me!
KUNO: Ah, that's where you put my extra line, Sister!
[casts with two magic fishing rods]
AKANE, SHAMPOO, UKYO, RANMA: Nooo!
[suck] [suck]
SHAMPOO, UKYO: Thank goodness, he only hit Ranma once!
KUNO: Of course. I would have them both!
[Akane makes an unpleasant discovery]
AKANE, RANMA: Nooo!
UKYO: This is getting confusing...
KODACHI: I will leave you to wallow it your sordid orgy;
I'm leaving, to find my darling Ranma! OHO HO HO HO!
MOUSSE: Shampoo! Look what I bought!
SHAMPOO: Shampoo thinks she will join Kodachi.
KODACHI: I *said* I don't want a girl to love me!
MOUSSE: No, Shampoo! [throws out arms; hundreds of
suction cup fishing lines shoot out from his robe]
SHAMPOO: Aiya! Good thing Mousse have bad eyesight!
[completely devoid of fishing lines, although
KODACHI, UKYO, AKANE, RANMA, KUNO and dozens of
passerbys are not so lucky.]
RANMA: Kill me now.
AKANE: Am I the only one getting turned on by seeing
Ranma tied up in all those lines?
Oh wait, I'm supposed to be C&Cing a fic, here... ^_^;;;
A Ranma 1/2 FanFiction
cap: Fanfiction
(I wouldn't bring it up, but you use this
capitalization yourself everywhere else.)
By
D.F. Roeder
This and other fanfictions of mine can be found at
http://www.flash.net/~dfroeder/index.html.
RANMA: Isn't fanfiction like moose?
SHAMPOO: Mostly stupid?
MOUSSE: You're so cruel...
RANMA: Er, I meant, isn't fanfiction it's own plural?
[...]
"Oi! Ranma!"
Ranma stopped quickly and looked at him. "RYOUGA!"
Has poor Ryoga been in any of Dave's fics, yet? Perhaps I
should explain to him how they all involve Ranma getting in
touch with his feminine side... Or Nabiki getting in touch
with his feminine side, as the case may be...
Run, boy! Run for the hills!
[...]
Ranma backed up and smiled up at him, embarrassed. "Sorry, man. I, uh, well...
Anyway, where the hell ya been, P-chan? What's it been? Jeez, I lost count!"
Ranma sat down on the bench next to him, almost insignificant next to his
size. "It's good ta see ya! Man!"
What is insignificant next to Ryoga's size: Ranma, or the bench?
RANMA: Hey, I'm not small!
AKANE: Would you please stop bragging? And stop sticking out
your chest. Who do you think you are, Sailor Jupiter?
[...]
"How?! What...?" Ryouga lapsed mute, staring at the white amongst the red of
Ranma's hair.
gram: Ryouga lapsed into silence,
(Lapse is an intransitive verb, so it can't take a direct object.)
The woman barked a bitter laugh. "Same thing that got Mrs. Tendo: cancer. And
that after all that Akane and me went through to get together: parents,
Amazons, umpteen fiancees, Herb, Saffron... Ain't that just too rich?" She
wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.
Suggest rearranging the sentences a bit to get rid of the repeated
colons. A third of the colons that appear in your story appear
here. :j
[...]
Ryouga was more than a little surprised when Ranma burst into tears, slowly
turned, and buried her face into his chest. Again, he awkwardly put his arms
around her, her small body quivering, and let her cry it out. It took far
longer than he expected, but even after she quieted down, she wouldn't move.
"Ranma?"
RANMA: You're standing on my foot.
"Could... Could ya just, you know... hold me for a while?"
"Errr, ummm, are you permanently a girl or something?"
Smart man, asking that up front! ^_^
"No. It's just... you're safe."
RYOGA: I'm safe for you, or I'm safe *from* you?
RANAM: Yes. [nuzzle]
"Oh, ummm... You sure have changed a lot... on the inside, I mean."
RANMA: Oh my! So forward. [moan]
RYOGA: THAT WAS NOT A "TEN-YEN" REFERENCE!!!
[...]
He looked at Ranma. "P-chan was getting old. The last year or so that I had
the curse, almost my whole head as a pig was gray. I remember that a while
later I fell ill for about a week, stayed in my tent almost the whole time,
and then I accidentally splashed myself and nothing happened. I guess Shampoo
and Mousse probably experienced the same thing. Or if not yet, they will
soon."
Unless they're *in* their animal forms when they dies of old age... ^_^;;;
SHAMPOO: Nya?
MOUSSE: Qwa?
[...]
"Gee, the place sure hasn't changed much," Ryouga observed, unlacing his
boots.
Ryoga has boots now? He used to wear shoes.
[...]
They walked down the hall and into the kitchen. Ranma frowned. "Where is
everybody?" She pushed Ryouga into a chair at the table, keeping her hands
firmly on his shoulders. "Sit. Don't get up or move."
RANMA: They can sense movement.
GIRL'S-VOICE-1: Do you smell... a boy?
GIRL'S-VOICE-2: It's been so long...
GIRL'S-VOICE-3: Papa's brought us a gift!
GIRL'S-VOICE-4: Are any of you guys hungry?
Wait. They have chairs, now? ^_^
[...]
Ranma stood there for a long moment, just looking at him.
RANMA: Mine.
"What?"
"Uh, nothin'.
^_^
Just rememberin' some stuff." She removed her hands and hastily
left the kitchen, absently rubbing the top of one breast.
Remembering the koi-rod, I take it. When he was talking about
Cologne, did he remember his short-lived love with her? ;)
Ryouga wondered what was up with his old rival, but he let the thought slide
away. He listened to the calls echoing upstairs. A pair of feet pounded down
the stairs, through the hall, and out of the house to the dojo. Ranma came in
shortly after, followed by two girls.
"Hey!" Ranma said. "Meet Kimiko, fourteen, and Nodoka, Jr., sixteen."
RANMA: Pick the one you want; she'll be your fian--
*BOP!*
^_^
[...]
Ryouga blinked at the two girls, both with flaming red hair, then started to
chuckle. The chuckle rose to gut-wrenching laughter when another set of girls,
identical to the first two, came in.
Given the average Japanese school girl's need to differentiate her
appearance, I'm wondering what the girls all look like. Different
haircuts, styles of dress...
Or are they clones of each other, to better drive men to distraction?
[...]
"Remember, Atsuko-chan," Ranma called. "Ryouga's like a rock. If he gets his
hands on ya, you're done for. Keep your distance and keep your speed."
ATSUKO: Explain to me again exactly how it's dangerous
if a rock gets its hands on you? [rolls eyes]
"Hai, Papa-san!"
"GO, NUKU-NUKU!!" Ranko cheered.
Ranma looked at Ranko and shook his head. The girls had tried to
explain to him where the nickname came from. Something about an
old TV show. For some reason, though, he always blanked out when
trying to remember their description of the character.
By the way, the use of "Papa" sounds weird. I'm used to either
"Father," "Dad," or "Daddy." Papa is just... well... French.
I know you won't change it, but I wanted to make sure you were
aware of it. Vince won't get rid of his "Mama"s, either...
[...]
Ranma just put her head in her hands and shook both, while Atsuko's sisters
started laughing. Ryouga gently lowered her to the ground. "Well, you've got
real promise, Atsuko-chan, but don't go on the circuit just yet."
Atsuko: Eh? But Nuku-Nuku is already "on the circuit"...
[...]
"I haven't had a good workout in ages," Ranma said as she faced off with
Ryouga, flexing her hands and making her knuckles crack with a sound like
distant gunshots. Her daughters were watching raptly; this was one of their
bedtime stories come to life.
"And then the Prince swept the girl off her
feet, taking her into his bed chambers..."
[...]
They engaged again, with similar sound effects, but a bright flash of light
sent Ryouga rocketing through the side of the dojo and embedded him in the
stone wall surrounding the compound. Four young redheads peered through the
man-shaped hole to see Ryouga dusting himself off unconcernedly. He started to
walk off, but the girls called to him. He stopped, turned around, and
scratched the back of his head. "Heh."
RYOGA: That hit affected me more than I thought. I'm seeing four
of you, Ranma. I guess I don't need to hold back anymore.
Prepare yourself!
[Chorus of "Eep!"s]
[...]
Ranma batted his hand away. "Gah. That little love tap?" She started to walk
off, but stopped after one step, reaching around and rubbing the small of her
back. "Oooo, I'm gonna feel that in the mornin'."
RANMA: Good thing I plan to have a man to comfort me when I wake up.
RYOGA: Uh, what?
[...]
"So where are we goin' on our date?" she said, smiling coyly.
Frowning, he said, "Ranma, what's gotten into you?"
RANMA: Nothing's gotten into me... Yet. [wink]
[...]
"I just don't care anymore if I'm a man or a woman." She turned away, biting
her lip, then sighed. "Do you think I'm... pretty?"
RYOGA: Old hag.
Ryouga halted all movement, filled with the sudden urge to flee.
It's a perfectly good urge. Too bad no one in Dave's
fics can ever *act* upon that urge... [shakes head sadly]
[...]
"So you decided to be *both* mother and father."
"Yup. At least the best I could. Hell, it's only a splash away, heh. It was
so... unfair. I didn't want 'em growin' up with the same kinda problems Akane
and her sisters had.
Now they'll have completely different problems...
NODOKA: I want a girl just like the girl Mother married!
[...]
She laughed again, but then said, more seriously, "I'm lonely, Ryouga. A big
hole was torn outta me, and now... I'm havin' trouble."
I know what you mean, but... You get a hole after you
tear something out. You don't tear out the hole *itself*.
[...]
"Nah, it's okay." She blew out her cheeks and sat down next to him on the roof
peak. "I don't know which was scarier: Mom for suggestin' it or Nabiki for
actually bein' interested."
"Cast a Second Line...": direct sequel to "Ten Yen"? You decide!
[...]
"And I assume she doesn't interest you at all."
Ranma gave him a half-lidded stare.
RYOGA: Wow! You do that just like Nabiki! Did she teach
you how to do that when you're in bed with each other?
[...]
"Yeah... there is." Ranma slid down and lay back against the still-warm roof
tiles, gazing up at the city-lit clouds scudding by. "I blame her, Ryouga, for
holdin' me an' Akane back. For gettin' in the way so much; that first weddin'
wasn't the only stunt she pulled... I blame her for *shortening* Akane's and
my time together. I forgave her, but I will *never* forget it."
"A man forgets but never forgives. A woman..." ;)
I guess I'm pretty ambivalent about this. You've made a good argument,
but I don't see how it contributes to the story. Nabiki shows up, but
immediately disappears again. Ranma gripes.
You could have just as easily not addressed her at all. Or brought up
the marriage idea from the parents but say that neither one of them had
been interested. Or send Nabiki off to the states sooner.
I guess I just don't like to see characters bad-mouthed, even with
justification. [shrug]
[...]
"Tell me about it!" Ranma sat up, yawned, and then stood. She held out her
hand. "C'mon, Ryouga-chan, and we'll put you to bed."
suggest: and we'll bed you. I mean, take you
in bed. I mean take you *to* bed.
(Or not. ;)
[...]
He shivered unconsciously; the ancestor-spirit beliefs of his homeland had
always unnerved him a bit, but if Akane was really there...
This sounds a little weird. "Beliefs of his homeland?"
That implies that it's not Japan, or else he'd just say
something along the lines of "the idea that that one's
ancestors' spirits..."
[...]
Ryouga grimaced and looked away for a moment. "That... didn't work out."
"Oh? All them pigs get to ya?"
RYGOA: You heard about "the incident", then? There were so many
of them, and as a pig, I was just too small to prevent them
from having their way with me... [sniffle]
[...]
He sighed and laughed Ranma's bitter laugh. "You couldn't talk to her about
important things. She had this idea of how her life should go, down to the
last detail. She made allowances for P-chan, of course, but that really only
made it more perfect for her. Does that make any sense?"
RANMA: Yeah. On a completely unrelated note, don't start dating Ukyo.
"Yeah, I think I see what ya mean."
"When we got down to the nitty-gritty, trying to accommodate each other, build
something together, it really fell apart. Other than the requirement that her
husband defeat her champion pig, her grandfather catered to her every whim. He
ruined her, really."
I just can't see this in Akari. She seemed willing to do anything;
make any sacrifice for Ryoga. After all, she loves pigs, but was
was going to learn to hate them for Ryoga's sake. Heck, she even
had Katsunishiki beat her up!
Maybe it's the willingness to do anything for him which is the turn
off. I've seen a similar argument used to explain why Ranma doesn't
like Kodachi. The knowledge that she'd do *anything* for him is just
too scary.
[...]
"Ucchan's married and livin' back in Kansai. Haven't heard from her in ages...
not since her weddin' anouncement, anyway. Never heard of the guy before.
After me and Akane's weddin', she just kinda wandered off."
sp: announcement
(Man, it's hard to find typos, what with the spell check
software underlining Ranma's sloppy language everywhere...)
"Mmmm. Tough business."
"Yeah, I felt bad, but I couldn't satisfy everybody's honor, and there wasn't
any other choice I wanted ta make."
suggest: couldn't satisfy everyone, and
(There's no need to being up honor; i never comes up in Ranma.)
[...]
"Don't matter. Whether they like it or not, I'll probably be namin' Atsuko as
heir to the combined ryuu; not whatever man she ends up marrying."
I don't know what ryuu means, but I nonetheless have the
sneaking suspicion that maybe it should be capitalized?
[...]
"Never took her on a training trip, then? No Jusenkyou?" Ryouga added with a
smirk.
"That *has* crossed my mind, believe it or not, but with four daughters ta
keep track of..."
RANMA: Excuse me, miss. Have you seen a little redheaded girl anywhere.
WOMAN: [points at Atsuko, behind Ranma]
RANMA: Ah, no. Have you seen *another* redheaded girl?
WOMAN: [points to Nodoka, also behind Ranma]
RANMA: [sighs]
[...]
"I'm a woman today, so ladies, I'll be hittin' ya plenty when we spar." She
was greeted with an assortment of chuckles and groans. Ranma smirked at them,
and then turned her attention to the side.
Since when did Ranma differentiate between hitting girls when he was a
boy, and hitting them when he was a girl? He didn't hit girls because
he didn't think it was right. It didn't matter who was doing the
hitting...
[...]
"Oi! You developed a ki attack based on something other than depression!"
Ranma splashed hot furo water at his friend. "What emotion?"
"Would you believe... calm?"
"EH?!?! Calm is NOT an emotion!"
Ryouga studied his fingernails for a moment. "It... can be, under the right
circumstances."
This reader disagrees. ^_^
I can see calm lending an immunity to ki attacks (ala the Shishi
Hokodan), but not as a source of ki. Maybe he's just gotten to
the point where he doesn't need strong emotions to focus his ki.
[...]
Ryouga fidgeted, looking embarrassed, but then he sighed and eased a little fu
rther into the water. He looked across to see Ranma's eyes gleaming at him in
great curiosity, the gleam highlighted by the streak of white hair against the
black.
Hmm. Weird line wrap on "further". Don't know if that was you or me.
"Before we ran into each other yesterday, how would you have described me?"
"Well, depressed... and angry... a lot."
RANMA: ...Cute fangs. Nice butt...
RYOGA: I don't want to hear this!
[...]
Ranma choked off a laugh, but Ryouga just grinned. "I can joke about it now,
but then, it just made me worse. I started generating a LOT of depression ki,
with some serious, good old Tendou-style anger ki in good measure."
What the heck is "depression ki" and "anger ki"? Those are emotions used
to generate ki (well, depression, anyway). They're not *types* of ki.
[...]
This time, Ranma descended into a giggle *fit*. Just like a girl would do,
Ryouga thought, if she were trying to--
"S-Sorry, Ryouga, but I haven't had a good laugh in a very long time. Thanks."
"Uh... sure... I think. Are you all right? You're, er, giggling."
RYOGA: And you're [twitch] poking into me...
RANMA: [blushing] Sorry. Like I said. The curse...
RYOGA: Stop explaining and just back away!
[...]
Ranma pointedly laughed, but Ryouga thought it sounded like he'd had to think
about it in order not to giggle.
suggest: he'd had to concentrate on not giggling
("Concentrate on not" is a little more succinct
than "think about it in order not to".)
"When I realized I was lost again, I stopped, put my fists up in the air, took
in a deep breath to scream, and then surprised myself when I realized I was
only doing it out of habit. I didn't *feel* any depression or anger. I *think*
I burned it out. I don't know for sure if that's what happened, but all I know
is that I've been calm ever since."
RYOGA: I'm empty. I no longer feel pity, or fear, or remorse...
RANMA: ...
RYOGA: And I absolutely will not stop until you are dead.
RANMA: Why are your eyes glowing red?
[...]
"Wh-- Why did you do that?!"
"Wha--?" Ranma slumped. "I didn't realize I had." She looked up at him. "After
dinner, on the roof."
RYOGA: You're not going to have your way with me up there, are you?
RANMA: What? Of course not. I just want to explain things.
RYOGA: Oh. Alright.
RANMA: [singsong, under breath] I'm gonna git me some nookie...
[...]
Ranko stopped eating abruptly and slammed her chopsticks on the table. Ryouga
and the remaining sisters jumped, but Ranma continued eating.
"PAPA! What the HELL is going ON?!" Ranko shouted. "Are, are you and
Hibiki-san, errr..."
Would it be more appropriate for her to be yelling at Ryoga?
After all, she knows her dad, but she's never seen this new guy
before.
[...]
"Two and an Amazon-law wife. Kodachi didn't count then, and doesn't count
now," Ranma corrected.
I like the way you put that. "Amazon-law wife." :)
[...]
"I had to kill a god to get her back," Ranma said quietly, "and your mother
almost died. She might even have been dead for a moment, for all I know. The
doll's eyes *had* closed." Both Ranma and Ryouga shuddered in memory.
It sounds like she was kidnapped, and Ranma killed the kidnapper.
I'm sure his focus would be more on the fact that he almost lost her.
THEN he'd bring up the part about killing a god to make sure that
wouldn't happen.
[...]
"Ever since your mother died and I sorta got back on my feet, I've been havin'
a problem with the curse that's been gettin' steadily worse. When Ryouga
showed up, it jumped a few levels."
RANMA: Every year or so, I have to lay an egg inside a man's body.
Eventually it hatches, consuming the body, and a new clone of
me is born...
GIRLS: ...
[...]
"PAPA!!" "I didn't need to know THAT!!" Nodoka didn't say anything, but just
stared.
Different speakers, different paragraphs. It's very easy to gloss
over the double quotes in the center, especially since they can be
read together as a single sentence.
[...]
"ARGH!! MAMA NO HENTAI!" "NO!!" "I'M NOT HEARING THIS!!" Nodoka just continued
to stare.
NODOKA: I never realized how hot Papa is...
Same comment as above.
[...]
"What are you saying, Ranma? You need to have a baby?" Ryouga mirrored the
others with his blinking.
"No, I'm not saying that--" Everyone sighed in relief.
RANMA: I need to have babies. Plural.
[...]
"Stop it! And listen, will ya? The POINT is that I need to... find somebody so
I can be in balance again. The curse is causin' the problem because along with
guy feelin's, I've got a woman's body tellin' me all sorts of stuff because of
its different hormones. Do you understand? Hell, it's even carryin' over when
I'm a guy! In the bathroom, I was a guy until we started to leave, then
without thinkin' about it, I changed myself to a woman."
RANKO: So you were a guy when you had sex with Ryoga in the bathroom?
[...]
She studied the table in front of her for a moment before looking up. "Sorry,
Ryouga. If you wanna leave, I'll understand. Can't be easy, hearin' this."
"Not... yet
RYOGA: [thinks] If I get up, there's no way she can miss my stiffy...
[...]
"Yeah, sure, you're right." Ranma flexed her hand, watching her skin move.
"And every time I look at one, I see your mother's face starin' back at me."
She shivered. "I feel like I'm betrayin' her or somethin'."
AKANE: Everytime he wants to have sex with a girl, I possess her
so I can share the fun, and he goes running off! That jerk!
[...]
She took off her pants, thought about it, and then took off her boxers.
Shucking her Chinese shirt, she pulled on an oversized T-shirt to sleep in.
She'd gotten used to sleeping in the nude when Akane was alive. Her wife had
been a demon in the bedroom and was likely to wake Ranma up in the middle of
the night, wanting some fun, so clothing came to be an unnecessary hindrance.
Besides, she smiled as she thought, it was far more pleasant to wake up to an
act in progress than to a wrestling match with a pair of boxers or panties.
At least it would give him some warning...
RANMA: Geez, Akane, why are you always trying to start without me?
Ranma sighed. With a colder bed since, she had compromised by just wearing a
long T-shirt and nothing else. She'd further discovered as she'd gotten older
that she slept better as a woman. She wondered if that was because girls just
slept easier than guys anyway -- she'd have to ask Kasumi about that -- or
that as much as Akane enjoyed being cuddled, she enjoyed doing the cuddling,
too, and Ranma was smaller than Akane as a woman, and if anyone needed
cuddling *now*... Either way, they had been a perfect fit.
As he got older, Akane had passed away, so
she wasn't hitting him in her sleep! ;)
[...]
"Hai." She stood as her daughters filed in and walked up to her. They were all
taller than Ranma's female form, even the younger ones.
Why would they be taller? Better diet? Than Ranma the vacumm??
"What's goin' on, girls?"
Atsuko put her finger to her chin and looked up at the ceiling. "I think this
is what they call a kidnapping."
NODOKA: No, it's a lesbian orgy.
RANKO: WHAT?!?
ATSUKO: Stupid, we didn't tell her yet.
NODOKA: Well, there always has to be one straight to break in.
RANKO: "Break in"?!?
KIMIKO: I've got the canola oil...
[...]
Ranma giggled and said, "This reminds of the time your mother snuck up behind
me, splashed me, threw me over her shoulder, and took me upstairs to her old
room and did several naughty things to me all at the same time. Boy, was I
ever sore the next day, but I never looked at *toys* the same way again."
RANMA: Wh- What are you doing with that Rubik's cube?
AKANE: [just grins, and slinks closer]
[...]
Atsuko smiled cutely, holding the lingerie against her body, and fluttered her
eyelashes. "You never know when the right guy will come along, and when he
sees me in this, he'll feel like he's been *hammered*."
Ranma face-faulted, and then joined her girls in laughter.
Feels... too much like... sitcom!
[...]
Wiping some tears from her eyes, Ranma said, "Not that I'm not havin' a great
time, but... why are all of ya doin' this?"
RANKO: Nodoka's finally going to tell you she's a dy--
NODOKA: [elbows sister in stomach]
"AAAHHH!!!" "GAAHH!!" "ARGH!!" "PAPA NO HENTAI!!"
Paragraph comment again. At least put more spaces between the quotes...
The next thing was, of course, a tournament-level exhibition of unrestricted
pillow fighting.
NODOKA: That's not a pillow you're grabbing
RANKO: Sorry!
NODOKA: Oh, I'm not complaining...
[...]
"Ahem. Since you've been so brave, Papa-san," she said, a little nervously,
"another one of us decided she wanted to be brave today, too." Atsuko pulled
her twin up and nudged her to the fore.
NODOKA: What? I don't want to be brave! Stop pulling on me!
[...]
"Well... I, ummm... I've been, errr, ah, you see, um, *seeing*... somebody...
for a while."
Blinking, Ranma said, "Well, what's the problem? You and your twin are old
enough. What's his name?"
Nodoka face fell and she burst into tears, turning to her twin.
suggest: turning to Atsuko.
or: turning to her twin, Atsuko.
(Since the *author* seems to have forgotten ^_^;)
[...]
Atsuko hugged Nodoka and patted her on the back. "Papa," she said tiredly,
"it's not a 'he', it's a 'she'. Nodoka likes girls."
RANMA: Oh. And you too?
ATSUKO: Wh- What? No, I like boys.
RANMA: But you're her identical twin, right?
ATSUKO: That doesn't mean anything!
RANMA: Well, sexual preferences are at least partially genetic.
ATSUKO: I am not gay!
RANMA: You know, they say the more vehemently you deny something...
ATSUKO: Augh!
Ranma's jaw fell into her lap. "Oh... my... Oh... boy. Your, your, ACK! Your
Nodoka-obasama's gonna have a heart attack!"
RANMA: You know how you wanted me to be a "man among men"?
NODOKA: Yes, dear?
RANMA: Well, it looks like little Nodoka is a woman "among women".
NODOKA: Really? I'm so proud!
RANMA: Especially in bed.
NODOKA: Eh?
RANMA: She likes to be among other women in bed.
NODOKA: ;;;
RANMA: It came up after Ryoga stopped by the other day.
NODOKA: I think I need to sit down.
RANMA: On a completely unrelated note, about me being a man
"among men"...
"We weren't planning on telling *her*," Atsuko said darkly.
NODOKA: I was going to SHOW her. [grin]
[...]
"Since you all *look* the way ya do 'cause of my curse, are there any more
surprises I should know about?"
KIMIKO: I'm sleeping with Kuno.
ATSUKO: I'm sleeping with Mikado.
RANKO: I'm going to Jusenkyo, jump in the Spring of Drowned Man,
get split into two halves, and boink my male half until he's
a withered husk.
RANMA: [glaring] I *said*, are there any more surprises I should
know about?
"No." "Not me." "Uh-uh."
^_^
[...]
"Paapaaa," Nodoka softly keened, and she turned her head and sobbed into
Ranma's bosom.
"...your breasts are so firm." Squeeze.
[...]
"Oh, my bleedin' ancestors! She's that jerk Mikado's daughter, right?!"
[...]
Ranma sighed long and loud, feeling fully justified in doing so. "Well... I
guess ya better bring her around so I can meet her again." She kissed her
daughter on the forehead. "Just keep her father away from me, or I'm likely to
put him in the hospital... AGAIN! Hmmm, with that example to grow up with,
she's probably RELIEVED she likes girls. Gaaah."
That statement brought the house down, but Nodoka only sighed happily,
enjoying the opportunity to be cuddled by a female parent. None missed her
mother more than she.
No one noticed the thoughtful expression slowly settle on Ranma's face.
RANMA: Of course, he *was* a good kisser, and very handsome...
RANMA'S-BIOLOGICAL-CLOCK: [tick] [tick] [tick]
[...]
Picking up a jacket and throwing it on, Ranma paused and looked out his
bedroom window at the wind whipping the bare branches of the neighborhood
trees. Spring had grown into Summer, faded to Autumn, and succumbed to Winter
since that day of so many revelations. He smiled faintly, and adjusted the fit
of the jacket before leaving his room and heading downstairs to breakfast.
cap: summer
cap: autumn
cap: winter
[...]
"Ohayou, Himiko-chan."
"Ohayou, Otousama," she said deferentially.
Otokasama?
[...]
He took another look at Himiko, thinking, then said, "I want you to go
somewhere with me after breakfast, Himiko-chan, or did ya have other plans?"
[Later]
HIMEKO: No! No, please!!
RANMA: I'm sorry, my dear, but it has to be this way.
[Sounds of cutting, red drops on floor]
RANMA: All my children must have red hair in a pigtail!
HIMEKO: NoOOoooOOooo!
[...]
Ranma bounded to the rooftops and took his newest child on a short tour of the
ward. The Doppler effect of her screaming, which turned to screeching
laughter, caused a number of heads to turn up or poke out of windows. A few
grayer heads smiled fondly, remembering fantastical days gone by.
suggest: fantastic
(Why add the extra -al?)
My biggest reservation about the story is this part. Namely, why is
it here? Did you feel the need to fill the intervening seasons between
Ryoga's visit? As with my comment about Nabiki's inclusion, I don't see
why you introduced this new character. She doesn't really do anything.
If she helped Ranma deal with his problems, I could see leaving it in,
but as it is, Ranma is helping her deal with *her* problem.
[...]
"Well, anyway, Mikado-baka kinda came to his senses a couple 'a months back
and stopped by, demandin' Himiko stop disgracin' herself and come home. She
stared at him for a long time, turned her back, and marched into the house,
slammin' the door. Heh, it was some kinda justice. Oh, and I had ta pound on
him ta keep him outta the house. Put him in the hospital... again."
He put him in the hospital before? Wasn't that Asuza beating him on
the head? Or Ryoga pulling the ice flows together, squishing him?
Both of them laughed at the mental picture, and after Ryouga stopped, he
smiled and said, "You're a good person, Ranma."
RANMA: Ooh, when did you switch to the gender-neutral? [lick lips]
[...]
"It was pretty good..." she said without turning, "until you were lookin' at
me all naked and stuff. By the time I got up to my room, I was shakin'
somethin' fierce. I... I WANTED you."
"And... if I'd followed you upstairs... and thrown you on the bed?"
"I would've spread my legs with no argument. This thing has no reason behind
it... it just WANTS."
RYOGA: [grabs RANMA in embrace] Stop it Ranma. Stop trying to blame
this on your curse. No magic is making you act like this.
RANMA: But...
RYOGA: Just admit it, Ranma. You love me.
RANMA: Y- Yes.
RYOGA: And you always have.
RANMA: Yes. [blushes]
RYOGA: Well there's no need to hide it anymore.
RANMA: Oh, Ryoga!
[Insert YAOI bits here]
^o^
[...]
She barked a cross between a laugh and a sob. "I don't know whether to thank
you, pound you, or take you upstairs."
RANMA: Or, of course, all three...
RYOGA: You picked up too much from Akane.
[...]
Kimiko walked in from the kitchen, and Atsuko entered after pounding down the
stairs.
"Something wrong?" Atsuko asked breathily.
"No, but I want one of you to stay with him at all times. I've got to go do
somethin', and I don't want him lost before I finish."
RANKO: Okay. [click]
RYOGA: Wh- What? [sees his wrist is handcuffed]
RANKO: You're not getting away from me!
RYOGA: I really don't think this is necessary.
RANKO: Maybe not. We'll find a better use for it when we get to bed.
RYOGA: ...
RANKO: Do you think I look like Ranma? [bats eyes]
[...]
After a quick change into warmer clothing, she paused, looked at the broken
rod, and wondered if she really wanted to have it used on her or not. Maybe it
was just enough to know that it was there. Or maybe its real magic was that of
courage and acceptance. Or maybe...
RANMA: What's the deal with me and this "broken rod"?
I'm not sure I like the symbollism... [frown]
AKANE: [giggles]
[...]
Atsuko blinked and then looked at Ryouga suspiciously. "What did you say to
Papa-san?"
RYOGA: I'd be happy to boink her if I thought I could get away with it.
"Nothing to make him need to go out. I don't think so, anyway."
[...]
"I'll always be your baka, and you'll always be my tomboy. I love you, Saotome
Akane."
She choked off another round of sobs and slowly turned away. Her eyes blinded
by unchokable tears, she stumbled into a mother and child walking by.
Okay. (a) Unchokable is not a word
(b) You already said she choked them off! ^_^
[...]
The woman just nodded and smiled, but her child, short black hair and big
brown eyes, scowled up at her. "Baka. Bakabaka." She threw her stuffed toy at
the strange, redheaded woman with the white stripe in her hair.
RANMA: I understand, Akane. I'll always be your baka. No one else's
"MIKI!!" the woman yelled, appalled. "WHERE did you LEARN that?!"
Ranma looked down at the child with its short cut blue hair.
The sight filled him with memories. Except... "Hey kid, what
are you timing with that stopwatch, anyway?"
[...]
"Saotome," she said absently. Then she looked at the woman, grabbed her, and
kissed her on the cheek. "Thank you!" she whispered fiercely.
The woman was stunned, but the little girl was *mad*, "Bakabakabaka--" and
beat on Ranma with her toy.
RANMA: I'm sorry, Akane. I didn't mean to make you jealous.
I'll be yours forever.
By the way, Ranma's quotes are what I actually got out of this
exchange. I got the impression that Akane was *not* approving
of what was going on. ^_^; Oops.
[...]
Behind them, the cool wind swirled a pile of last year's leaves, somehow
missed by the meticulous grounds man. The leaves rose in a dark brown column,
hovered for an instant, reaching five feet into the air, and then continued
upward, leaping, cavorting, and finally disappearing into the bright blue
ocean of the spring sky.
suggest: meticulous groundskeeper.
----
That was a nice story. Not as explicit as some of your more recent
works have been. :j The tone was good, and of the characters who
appeared, they seemed to be in character, given the background story.
The background characters I'm less happy with. I think Akari and
Ukyo were dismissed too easily, for example. Perhaps it would be
better to not bring them up. Or have Ran & Ryo not want to talk
about them when they were brought up.
On that subject, the story did lack a little focus. Himeko could
be plucked out with no impact on the rest of the story. Less so
Nabiki. You could even remove Miki by having a piece of the alter
fall off in the strong winds on Ranma's head, acting as the agent
of Akane's mallet.
Even if I don't buy into the "calm is an emotion" argument, I think
that background story should be left in; if Ryoga was still bitter,
he'd obviously have more of a problem consenting to be with Ranma's.
For the record, I *am* a fan of the Ranma/Ryoga pairing (^o^), but
only if Akane is not in the picture. And since you so conveniently
offed her...
Anyway, a fun read, as always, Mr. Dave "Ranma-Gets-In-Touch-With-
His-Feminine-Side" Roeder. It's nice to be able to read this sort
of fic and not be completely filled with angst, or have Ranma give
up on his boy side.
Now if we can just get you to write a "Taro-Gets-In-Touch-With-
His-Bestial-Side" fic... ;)
Later,
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net Cuter, too. Definitely more sexy!"