"Leif J." <leif_wj@yahoo.com> wrote:
The sun was barely beginning to peek over the horizon, early birds were
looking for those stupid worms everyone was always talking about, and old
men and women were drinking their tea and giving the appearance of the
all-knowing elder without moving a muscle (quite a neat trick). In truth,
they were only up early to witness the brief period where chaos didn't rear
it's ugly but very familiar head. It was the beginning of another day in
Nerima.
Yes, yes. We already know that Nerima is a chaotic place where the
unexpected always happens, blah blah. Unless this actually has something
to do with your story, I suggest you skip the opening lines and get on
with the fic.
[]
Snip stock dojo opening scene. Again, does this have anything to do with
your story? It's such standard stuff that it's more likely to bore off
readers than anything else.
Ranma walked along the fence, whistling. Akane looked at him curiously. When
they reached school, Akane demolished the boys as usual, and held up her
hand to catch the rose. After standing there for a minute, she looked
around, confused. "Where is that idiot?" she asked no one in particular.
"Okinawa," Ranma replied.
First of all, don't let two speakers talk in the same paragraph. Always
start a new one when someone else talks.
Secondly, the boys gave up attacking Akane way back in volume 1 of the
series. Unless they think for some reason Akane and Ranma have ended
their engagement, there's no reason for her to have to demolish them.
(And in any case, it certainly isn't usual for her.)
Kijo sat down and Miss Hinako started the day's lesson. The students waited
until lunchtime, then assaulted him. "You travel a lot? Have you been to
China? To Jusenkyo? Are you cursed? Are you a martial artist? Do you know
Ranma? What was your name again?"
Kijo sweated nervously, then answered, "Yeah, I travel a lot, I've been to
China, never heard of Jusenkyo, I don't think I'm cursed, I do martial arts,
I don't know Ranma, and my name is Kijo Kuraki."
"Are you single?"
Why are they so interested in this guy? No male at Furinkan, Ranma
included, got this kind of reception in the manga.
"Can I eat my lunch?" he asked, very nervous. Everyone looked at each other,
shrugged, and walked away. He sighed in relief. He looked around, and saw a
few people who hadn't joined in the questioning. (Guess who? Yep, that's
right.) He walked over to Ranma, Akane, and Ukyo.
The parenthetical narrator intrusion is annoying. Don't talk directly to
the reader; it ruins the flow of the story.
Kijo cocked his head to the side. "Why, are there lots of martial artists
around
here?"
Some weird formatting problem here.
Ranma snorted. "Nerima is loaded. All three of us are martial artists, if
not very good ones." He grunted as Akane's bento flew into his mouth. "Ow!
You uncute tomboy, whadja do that for?"
"You're such a jerk, Ranma!" She yelled at him.
This would've been more convincing if he'd somehow indicated Akane as
the not very good one. BTW, "she" shouldn't be capitalized there. She's
yelling the line of dialog, not just yelling.
When school was over, Ranma called out, "Hey Kijo! Wanna come to our place?"
Missing comma: "Hey, Kijo!
Kijo was invited to dinner, and couldn't possibly refuse Kasumi's request
(who could?). After eating, he smiled and patted his stomach. "That was
Arg. Another annoying narrator interruption.
wonderful, Kasumi!" Kasumi beamed at him. "Thank you! It was nothing. Would
you like to use the bath?" Kijo was about to say no, when, Kasumi's
sweetness grabbed him in a headlock. "Sure. Hey Ryoga, come on, I need to
Hey, Ryoga, come (missing comma)
Kijo splashed the cold water on himself, and shivered. He looked over at
Ryoga. He was just standing there, nervously. "Well, come on man, just get
come on, man, just (missing comma)
Ryoga looked around nervously, then dropped down beside him. "I think I can
show you this. You promise you won't tell anyone?" Kijo shrugged. "That
depends."
"Within reason?" Ryoga pleaded. Kijo nodded. "Sure."
RYOGA: I turn into a cute little animal so I can sleep with an
unsuspecting young woman.
KIJO: You call THAT within reason?!?
(Since you're a newbie, I'll point out that bits like this in my C&C are
stuck in for entertainment value, and aren't generally intended as a
comment on your fic.)
Kijo placed a hand on his shoulder. "Now that that's settled, let's get to
bed. It's been a fun day. You can sleep In here," he said, gesturing to a
room across
the hall from his own.
Another wrapping error.
"Good night!" he called as he shut the door.
Ryoga lied down on the bed and took his shoes off. He gave a silent thanks
to kami-sama for his gratitude.
"Gratitude" means thanks; you want something like "generosity" here
instead.
Overall impressions: Your writing style is certainly very readable, and
there's only one major grammatical problem -- letting more than one
speaker talk in the same paragraph. Your descriptions, however, are
rather dull and standard. Look for different, more creative ways to
describe the significant action in the story.
As for the story, well... frankly, there needs to be one. We've been
introduced to what's his name, but there's nothing to indicate that he's
a possible threat to anyone or is any way going to be involved in any
sort of conflict. It's nice that Ryoga has a friend, but it hardly makes
for something interesting to read about. You've shown us this character;
now give us a reason to be interested in him.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html