"D.F. Roeder" <dfroeder@flash.net> wrote:
The line between two seasons was drawn, on this day, in the contrasting tones
between the slight chill of a breeze and the welcome warmth of the sun. It was
a time of transition, caring little for official dates scribed on manmade
calendars that decide for one when Winter would end and Spring would begin.
I could be wrong, but I don't think winter and spring should be
capitalized.
A stronger gust lifted his hair, the sunlight catching and emphasizing a
peppering of gray as he watched the pedestrians go by, seemingly content only
to observe and not participate. He was far more at home within the small,
quieter patch of green.
I'd take out the "seemingly," assuming the phrase refers to Ryoga and
not the passers-by.
Turning his head, he watched the approach of the woman, grumbling sotto voce,
her strong, petite hands wringing out her shirt. Like his mop of black, her
fiery red hair was also showing its age: an off-center streak of pure white
Does he still have the enormous eyeballs too? ^_^
"Ryouga... she passed away seven years ago."
"How?! What...?" Ryouga lapsed mute, staring at the white amongst the red of
Ranma's hair.
We don't get much reaction from Ryoga in this scene. How does *he* feel
about the death of the woman he used to sleep with?
He looked at Ranma. "P-chan was getting old. The last year or so that I had
the curse, almost my whole head as a pig was gray. I remember that a while
later I fell ill for about a week, stayed in my tent almost the whole time,
and then I accidentally splashed myself and nothing happened. I guess Shampoo
and Mousse probably experienced the same thing. Or if not yet, they will
soon."
But what about Pantyhose? He seems to be the fly in the ointment here,
(as he so often is).
Ryouga blinked at the two girls, both with flaming red hair, then started to
chuckle. The chuckle rose to gut-wrenching laughter when another set of girls,
identical to the first two, came in.
"Yeah," Ranma said sheepishly, "two sets of twins, all of 'em lookin' like my
girl form."
Except that for them, the anime hair color is actually noticable. :)
BTW, just how identical are these girls? Are we talking carbon copies of
each other, or just overall general similarity? It'd be nice to have
some idea of the differences between them if the latter is the case --
and even if the former, there should be personality and mannerism
differences. Something other than just their names to differentiate
them.
Their guest finally regained some control. "Side effect of the curse, I take
it," Ryouga chortled.
RANMA: More like a certain obsession with my female form on the writer's
part, I think....
ROEDER: Shut up! It's a perfectly logical possibility!
^_^
"Remember, Atsuko-chan," Ranma called. "Ryouga's like a rock. If he gets his
hands on ya, you're done for. Keep your distance and keep your speed."
ATSUKO: Dad, rocks don't generally HAVE hands. And if they do, getting
them on you is no big deal. You really need to work on your metaphors.
RANMA: That ain't what I meant!
"Nabiki-obachan!" three of the girls cried out.
"I'll get you a plate," Kimiko called.
Ryouga noticed as Ranma became very quiet and very controlled. Nabiki
sauntered in, her hair long and darker than it should've been for her age, and
blink-blinked.
It'd be nice to have a little more detail on the "quiet and controlled."
The current Ranma/Nabby relationship is described secondhand in the
dialog, but we don't actually get to see much of it.
He sighed and laughed Ranma's bitter laugh. "You couldn't talk to her about
important things. She had this idea of how her life should go, down to the
last detail. She made allowances for P-chan, of course, but that really only
made it more perfect for her. Does that make any sense?"
"Yeah, I think I see what ya mean."
"When we got down to the nitty-gritty, trying to accommodate each other, build
something together, it really fell apart. Other than the requirement that her
husband defeat her champion pig, her grandfather catered to her every whim. He
ruined her, really."
This is certainly a better way of getting rid of Akari than you usually
see... either "Akari? Oh. A sixteen-ton weight fell on her. Tragic,
really." Or simply "Akari? Who's that?"
"Hmmm, this is gonna get embarrassin'. When your mother was alive, she, ah...
Let's just say that she kept all of me very happy and satisfied, er, includin'
my, um, well--"
"Your girl-side?" Atsuko offered with a tiny bit of a smirk.
"... Yeah."
"PAPA!!" "I didn't need to know THAT!!" Nodoka didn't say anything, but just
stared.
NODOKA JR.: (thinks) He's not being manly. It's katana time, I'm afraid.
Soon.
The handle wasn't locked, so she opened the door a crack and put her mouth to
the opening. "Hibiki-san?" Nothing.
Pushing the door fully open, she saw that the room was empty.
"Oh, great."
RYOGA: That's right, I'm outta here! Another fic where I get matched
with Ranma? No way! I'm gone! Church of Ranko and Ryoga, bite me!
ROEDER: Wait! Come back! I'll let you have all *five* Tendo women!
I'll... oh, bugger.
Ranma sighed. With a colder bed since, she had compromised by just wearing a
long T-shirt and nothing else. She'd further discovered as she'd gotten older
that she slept better as a woman. She wondered if that was because girls just
slept easier than guys anyway -- she'd have to ask Kasumi about that -- or
KASUMI: Oh my! Er... How would I possibly know?
RANMA: What's this?
KASUMI: Ah heh.... Goodness! A stash of instant nanniquan? Why, how
could that have possibly gotten in my room? ^_^;;;;;;;;;
Blinking, Ranma said, "Well, what's the problem? You and your twin are old
enough. What's his name?"
Nodoka face fell and she burst into tears, turning to her twin.
"What?! What did I say?!" Ranma asked, looking at everyone.
Atsuko hugged Nodoka and patted her on the back. "Papa," she said tiredly,
"it's not a 'he', it's a 'she'. Nodoka likes girls."
RANMA: You're a lesbian? Cool! Lesbians are always happy, loving people,
especially when they're doign male-gratifying fan service....
GIRLS: DAAAAAD!
Ranma sighed at the overblown honorific, but declined to address it at the
moment. Tipped off, Mikado had returned to his home early one day to find
Nodoka and Himiko in bed. He'd promptly disowned his daughter, even over her
mother's tears and pleading. He doubted that it had helped that Nodoka was a
Saotome. Ranma had heard that the Mikado's divorce would be declared final in
two months -- a brave act for a Japanese woman. He briefly wondered if he'd
end up adopting Himiko's mother, as well.
Anyone we know? And why isn't she getting custody of Himiko? With Daddy
throwing her out, it would seem logical.
Ryouga turned back as she walked across the yard, and he mentally slapped
himself for watching the sway of her hips and bosom before turning away again
and reaching up to hold his nose. Consequently, he missed seeing her stumble
as she stepped onto the engawa.
The what? Whussat?
"My adopted daughter. Bit of a story there."
"With you? No bet."
Better not be, or the readers will hit delete. :)
END CAST A SECOND LINE INTO THE SEA
I liked the ending bit with Ryoga and Ranma; much stronger, IMO, than if
they'd declared their love for each other or something like that. I
think this would've made a fine ending by itself. The other stuff with
the fishing rod and baby Miki seemed extraneous; I really didn't get the
point.
I'd have liked to see more of each of the Saotome girls' individual
personality. Beyond the more... demographic... factors (one can cook,
one can't, one's a lesbian, etc.) they're pretty hard to tell apart.
Also, I think you're overplaying the "happy family" angle a bit too
much. Even families that are mostly happy and stable have their internal
conflicts and little things that get on each other's nerves.
All in all, an enjoyable story, and certainly one of the better things
to come along on the list lately.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html