You didn't say anything about C&C (public or private) on this, the "as it
stands" version of your story. So, I'll assume, and hope, you don't mind some
public commentary. Hopefully my comments will help you and not just annoy you
because you already planned to change that part in the "new" version. :)
Also, the only time I point out spelling or grammar errors is when I notice
them. (I.E. when they REALLY stand out... lol I have a hard time seeing those
types of errors. I rely on a spelling/grammar checker for my own works...)
In a message dated 06/09/2000 9:42:14 PM Pacific Daylight Time,
cearda@ultimanet.com writes:
I snipped the prologue because I didn't really have any constructive (or even
unconstructive :) comments for it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Shadow Moon Productions Presents
A Ranma 1/2 fan fiction.
Promises
By
Perotessa Detwieler
Chapter One
Saotome Ranma of the Musabetsu Kakuto Ryuu once again glanced at the
letter held in his hand. It read (for the most part) "Please come to 12134
Neima Plaza Downtown Tokyo at 16:15 pm so that we may finish our
business."
Signed Tanimura Katsui
Ranma frowned. He didn't remember any Tanimura Katsui that he had
fought either recently or in the past.
Saotome Ranma of the One Track Mind. :)
Either way a challenge was a challenge and he wasn't about to back down
from someone who was foolish enough to send him a challenge letter.
Also of the Never Ending Ego.
He walked down the very busy sidewalk then looked up at a huge skyscraper
that was labeled 12134 Neima Plaza.
This couldn't be right!
No way would the guy be dumb enough to fight in this place.
Something had to be going on.
"Wrong! I, Tanimura Katsui, challenge you to martial arts Paper Pushing!"
Shrugging he opened the door and went inside. There was a huge
reception desk with five women sitting at it with headphones on. They
looked very classy to his eye and yet gave him the creeps.
And a lollipop.
Ranma, "Thanks!"
<SNIP>
Ranma suddenly had a BAD feeling about this whole thing.
Drawing up all the confidence he had, he walked into the office
Where'd he get the paper for THAT?! :) Did he use the Amaguriken too?
and was again confronted with a reception desk. The receptionist gave him
a very effective if insincere smile.
"Hello. How may I help you?"
"I am...uhm...Saotome Ranma. I am here to see Tanimura Katsui."
"Oh yes! Mister Saotome! Yes he's expecting you. I'll take you to his
Just a thought here, but she seems really excited. You may want to note
that she's no longer insincere in her actions. Or, make it more clear if she
still is.
<SNIP>
They were the exact same shade.
lol When I first read this I thought it was something of a more
foreshadowing nature. :) Like as in, "The same shade as the inhuman priest of
Hogobogo!" (Who does NOT do weddings. Don't ask.)
<SNIP>
"Thank you Miko that will be all. You may bring "him" in about ten
minutes."
The receptionist nodded and left the room closing the door with hardly a
sound.
And this, I thought, had affirmed my suspicions.
<SNIP>
Tanimura sighed settling back into his chair. "Mister Saotome do
you remember the Kawashima Shrine in the Kagmura mountains?"
All the color drained from Ranma's face and he looked like he had just
been sucker punched.
And here too. :) If that was purposeful misleading, good job! If not,
take credit anyway. ^_^
"Ah...I see you do. I am the retained lawyer of the Kawashima
family. It is my sad duty to inform you that both elder Kawashima, and the
woman you knew as Kawashima Yoshiko, have passed on."
Did other people know her as something else?
<SNIP>
The young man's head fell forward; Tanimura couldn't see his eyes because
of the fall of his fringe.
I know what you're trying here and it's a commendable effort... "I
commend you!"... But, uh, I think "fringe" just really doesn't work there
without something more... "fringe like bangs." maybe?
<SNIP>
Tendo Kasumi was busy at work in the kitchen starting dinner for her
family. Well her family and the two martial artists that had dropped in
about two years ago.
Genma and Ranma for all their posturing, bluster, and arrogance were
very nice people. Once you got past their barriers and got to know them.
I liked this little aside from Kasumi...
This was something that she was sure her father knew and
why he tolerated their behavior. It was also something she herself had
witnessed time and time again especially on Ranma's part. If one could get
past those barriers, he had put up to protect himself, they would find a
person who desperately wanted someone to talk to and to share with.
Who was deeply loyal and took matter of honor seriously.
She knew that the insanity of the past two years had to be getting to him.
But this one seemed kinda trite... :( Sorry.
Her younger sister Akane, Ranma's iinazuke, had stormed home after school
today slamming doors and boiling mad.
When asked why she was so angry, Akane told Kasumi about a challenge
letter that had arrived for Ranma just before the end of school.
Of course the idiot just HAD to go answer it. He was such a jerk! A macho
jerk! And with that Akane had stomped off.
I really hope there was more to the fight then this... Otherwise I don't
see why Akane's so mad unless you're a believer of, "Psycho Bitch" Akane...
Which I'm not by the way.
<SNIP>
"Tamida. I am home." said a very weary, and familiar voice.
"Tenchiii!" squealed Sas... Whoops! Wrong series. ^_^
Kasumi exited the kitchen and went to the foyer to greet Ranma.
"Welcome home Ranma." She said smiling.
"Dinner should be ready in about an hour." She opened her eyes,
blinked....then blinked again.
Why were they closed?
<SNIP>
three or four years of age. He looked vaguely familiar and a tingle raced
up and down Kasumi's spine.
"Ranma, our... uh, experiment didn't have any side effects did it?" asked
Kasumi nervously.
Ranma, "..."
^_^;
For his part Ranma looked extremely nervous then sighed in resignation.
"This is Shinji. Shinji say 'hello' to Kasumi."
The boy, Shinji, quickly looked up his blue-grey eyes spearing her to her
soul.
Hmm, okay, NOW I see what you mean. But on my first time through I kinda
thought you were (hopefully) just messing up your pronouns. (Cause if not
then this story would be very interesting for very different reasons. ^_^
"Sex changing is hereditary? Who knew.") You might wanna make it more clear
that you mean Kasumi's soul.
<SNIP>
where Shinji had been a moment ago. Then her knees gave out and she
slumped to the floor with a small "Oh my."
"You don't know the half of it!" :) I really liked this part.
<SNIP>
Never had he seen that much money.
He stuffed that back into the envelope. Wouldn't do for anyone else in the
house to see it either.
"Hello, Saotome, do you smell something?"
Ranma hid the envelope behind his back and shook his head hoping Nabiki
didn't see anything.
:)
<SNIP>
Remembered the mountains and the training ground his old man had found
when he was 13 years old. He remembered the cooling air as summer was
"What do'yah mean by Spring of Drowned Father?"
<SNIP>
"Ranma..if you don't mind.Can I come in for a moment?" Ranma nodded and
Missing a space after "mind."
<SNIP>
"Can you watch Shinji? I am gonna go down ta see the Doc."
She nodded. "Sure Ranma I'll watch him."
Ranma picked up the envelope and went to the door.
With one last look at "his son" he left.
He flew down the stairs, put his shoes on, and was out the door like a
shot.
"Yeeeees, I'll watch him, Ranma-kun. Watch him die!"
Kasumi began strangling the little boy.
*Cheat on MY sister will you!*
O_O;;
<SNIP>
"Che Doc! I am screwed! Check out what happened to me today!"
"Why, yes, Ranma. I do dabble in ki manipulation for patients. Do you
need some sort of ki treatment? Happosai hasn't placed another moxibustion on
you has he?"
"Huh?"
<SNIP>
Not unless the Apocalypse suddenly descended over the Tendo Dojo.
Either way, Ranma was badly shaken.
That's when he handed Ono Tofu the envelope.
"At 15:00 I will begin my hovering of the space about the
Tendo Dojo. Please have your people talk to my people about
possible times for the descending part.
Dearly Yours,
The Apocalypse"
^_^
<SNIP>
Ranma held a cup of tea in shaking hands taking a sip. "Oh yeah..I am
sure. It's probably worst. Look at them! Tell me what they say please
"worse" even, perhaps? :)
<SNIP>
the papers and saw where the Kawashima Clan had just as surly trapped
Ranma as had the Tendo's.
I found this line very confusing. It really stood out and I had to stop
and read it a few times. And not in the good way either... A slight
re-wording might be in order.
<SNIP>
will be given a monthly allowance of fifty thousand yen to take care of
him; for maintenance it says. You have been given another one hundred
thousand yen to buy clothes and other things you'll need for him in the
mean time.
I'm not exactly sure exactly how well yen trades into dollars (or of the
cost of living in Japan though I'm of the understanding it's on the expensive
end) but, limited knowledge aside, isn't that like... a LOT of money?! A
ridiculously lot of money?
<SNIP>
million yen for his services as caretaker. Provided that he does not enter
into marriage before April 23rd, 2012."
Ranma's jaw dropped open. "You're kidding me."
It took me a moment to realize this meant RANMA couldn't marry. ^_^
This REALLY may not be as bad as he thought. Nothing like money to excuse
himself from making a decision :)
<SNIP>
"Sure Ranma, that's probably a good idea. I'll put them in the vault. And
Ranma, "Is the vault really safe?"
Tofu, "Oh, yes. Why it once held Elvis for ten years so people would
assume he was ACTUALLY dead."
Ranma, "..."
<SKIP>
nervousness and the slight windidness of him.
She hmphed "Must not have been much of a fight eh Ranma?"
The object of her scorn merely blinked.
Why's Akane being so pissy? As in why are you writing her like that? If
there's an in-story reason I'd really like to know what the hell it is.
<SNIP>
Sitting at the table was Shinji eating a carrot stick. "Ot-san!" he
squealed and launched himself off his chair and hugged one of Ranma's
legs.
Very affectionate ain't he? Quite the trusting little bugger too. :)
<SNIP>
"Uh Kasumi...why is he down here?"
"Oh, he was just fighting too much to strangle him. I figured poison
would be much easier and it's got less clean up to boot."
<SNIP>
Kasumi was putting bowls on a tray and other things. "He woke
You might wanna switch that around. As is it sounds like she's putting
bowls on trays and other... Err, well, it sounds like she's only putting
bowls on things when I think you mean "bowls and others things on trays."
<SNIP>
"You promise?"
"Yeah, I promise."
In response to that, Shinji hopped back into his chair and waited.
Ranma sighed and went to go help Kasumi.
It's times like this that you gotta love kids no matter how much trouble
they are other times. (Gees, you'd think I have some of my own. Nope. No way.
I think I'll wait at least 'till I'm of legal age to drink. Hopefully longer.
^_^)
<SNIP>
picture of domestic tranquility and noticed an extra person. Then she
noticed the coloration of said person and she did a double take.
"Raaannnnnmmmaaaa..."
This is... Unlike the rest of this story. In other words... The little
paragraph I snipped right here... It... It's horrible. I cannot, at all, no
way, not in all the seven hells, see WHY Akane is being such a BITCH unless
this is an alternate universe. Wouldn't it be MUCH, MUCH. MUCH more likely
that she think Shinji is Ranma's little brother? Besides being more
believable you could get at least one or two good comedy bits out of it.
<SNIP>
"Uhm...maybe you have something to tell us, Son?" he
asked Ranma. Ranma for the first time in a long time didn't feel hungry
Need a line break after, "he asked Ranma."
<SNIP>
tragedy! Now our schools will never be joined!" He began to wail and the
tears began to flow.
Despite the characterization of Akane you sure have THIS Tendo family
member down pat. :)
<SNIP>
"Calm Down?! Don't you dare tell me what to do! You....Jerk!" Out of
nowhere her mallet appeared.
Mallet? And I doubted your ability to make it worse... Shame on me.
<SNIP>
Her anger was douched as quickly as it had risen. <'He must
think I am some sort of monster.'> She thought dully. She lowered the
mallet and then turned and stalked out of the room.
First, "doused"? (Please say, 'yes'. Please say, 'yes'...)
Second, once again you prove me wrong... \Sigh/ "She thought dully." You
mean she doesn't even really CARE that he must think she's some sort of
monster? As much as I like the rest of the story this characterization,
excuse me, MIScharacterization of Akane, may just stop me from reading on.
<SNIP>
but the next Monday; they're gonna read the Will. As of right now, Pops
n me are Shinji's legal guardians cause I am his ...father." He fell
Based on your previous uses it looks like you got an extra space in
before that ellipsis.
<SNIP>
Ranma looked at Nabiki with thinly veiled disgust. "Yoshiko who did you
think? You think it was the Elder Kawashima? You're sick Nabiki."
Shouldn't there be a comma after "Yoshika"? Or maybe a period...?
LOL That's a good line BTW.
"Actually, that had me kinda worried," spoke Genma suddenly.
"Pops, what the hell are you talking about?!"
"Boy, you did show affection for that old lady after the Neko-ken
training."
Ranma was suddenly quiet.
^_^;;;
<SNIP>
Besides, Shinji may have the Saotome name but he's a Kawashima. They left
me their shrine to be held for Shinji when he grows up.
I agree with the rest but, uh... How does this stop him from marrying
anyone?
<SNIP>
Kasumi sat at the kitchen table and stared at the doorway moodily. The
Kasumi? Moody? Maybe "curiously"? Or "confused"?
<SNIP>
"Hey Shinji. You ready to take that bath?" Shinji was eating cookies and
Should be a line break after "bath?'"
drinking milk when Ranma entered. Upon seeing his beleaguered dad he sat
up.
"Here." he held out a cookie.
lol Awwww. You have kids of your own or do you just babysit/help-out a
lot like me?
Ranma smiled faintly.
"No thanks. Come on. Lets go get your things and get you all cleaned up."
The boy shrugged his small shoulders, put down the cookie, swiveled in the
chair and raised his arms in a wordless gesture of "up".
Heh, I know that one too...
One wonders how exactly Ranma plans to explain why he's a "mommy" part of
the time right about now...
<SNIP>
his little arms around his neck and squealed "Otsan!" and nuzzled at the
side of his neck and hugged him.
There is nothing like the timing of a little kid. ^_^
Ranma looked at the person who was at the door and the blood drained from
his face.
She looked at him, one eye brow arched in curiosity.
"M....Mom!"
End Part One
That's just cruel. :)
FINAL COMMENTS:
I really, really like this story, and the idea (I'll have to check out
Childhood Mysteries some time...) is great. I'm not so sure I can handle the
way you portray Akane though and so this may be one for Anyone But Akane
fans. (I'm a fan of all the characters myself...) Hopefully, you won't lose
this reader. Guess I'll just have to wait and see. Later.