This story didn't sit well at all with me, just as it didn't with SKJAM and
others -- but I had to think for a while about the reason, and I'm still not
really sure. It might be a case where the author isn't completely clear on the
characters' feelings and motivations. Or it might just be that the way in which
these things are presented is just utterly unconvincing.
Let's look at some specifics from the story and see if I can illustrate what I
mean.
the direction the dagger had come from, casually tossing the dagger to the panda
in the process. She stepped in front of her sister, seperating Ranko from the
three teenagers that had been chasing her. Ranma didn't like it when people
picked on her younger sister. She especially didn't like it when they were
carrying various weapons that had sharp points and edges to them.
The narrator is just belaboring the obvious here. Gee, Ranma, you don't like it?
Sorry, I thought you did. :/ Just telling us that Ranma doesn't like it doesn't
give us a convincing picture of how he really feels.
"Move yourself out of the way, red-head, or find yourself hurt. We want the
vampire demon that is hiding behind you." One of the bullies said, a menacing
look in his green eyes. He brushed back his short, brown hair as if it were
something he cherished and made sure looked nice, even if nothing else did.
"If you want my sister, then you'll have to get through me first," was Ranma's
reply.
"If she is your sister, then you must also be of demon and vampire descent.
Therefore, we must kill you as well." This came from another of the three punks.
This dialog (and I mean all of it, even though I'm only quoting a snippet) is
terribly wooden and unnatural. Can you imagine someone actually saying this
stuff? I can't. What's worse, it leaves us confused as to the motivations of the
attackers. Are they attacking Ranko because they feel genuinely threatened by
her, or are they just bullies as she thinks? Neither of these jibes with their
dialog and actions. Note that I'm *not* looking for you to explain their
motivations in the text of the story. What you need to do is *show* their
motivations through carefully-chosen dialog, description, and actions.
Akane sighed. "Enough of this. He..Er...They are our guests. We should treat them
as such." Akane looked at the winged red-head. "I'm Akane, want to be friends?"
Ranko smiled, showing her fangs. "Can we?" She was genuinely enthusiastic.
Akane, however, got a look at the fangs and freaked out. "A vampire! Aaaaa!"
Akane pulled a wooden mallet out which curiously had a sharp end to it and swung
it at Ranko's chest. Things seemed to move in slow motion as Ranko screamed and
dropped into a crouch, rolling backwards. Ranma ran and stopped, throwing her leg
in front of the mallet-spike blocking it with her shin. The look on her face was
one of anger. Yet, she stayed in that position, seemingly balancing on one leg
while holding the mallet-spike up with the other.
Several things here. First, Akane's reaction seems way too sudden. At least a
moment of stunned shock would make this a little more believable. If she's under
Ranko's "niceness" field at first and then comes out of it, there are ways you
could show it without saying so explicitly; maybe she blinks several times and
says "Huh?" She doesn't necessarily have to attack, either; considering that
Ranko isn't being overtly hostile at this point, she might instead try pulling
her family away and trying to snap them out of her influence. Her actions after
this bit don't really ring true either. What's challenging Ranko to a fight
supposed to prove?
Secondly, you need to be consistent with story tone. The mallet, and the general
ability of characters to pull things out of nowhere, is a sight gag that works
in a more light-hearted story. The idea of people killing -- and being killed by
-- vampire demons, OTOH, is something we need to take seriously, and the
combination doesn't go down well.
Finally, beware of excess dead weight verbiage. "The look on her face was one of
anger" doesn't add anything more than "She looked angry," and particularly in an
action scene you want things to flow as crisply and directly as possible. If you
want to dress the line up, add descriptive detail and suggestive words that give
us a picture of what's happening.
***** Begin Flashback Sequence *****
This is totally unnecessary. The reader knows it's a flashback. Actually, in
this case I think showing the scene was also unnecessary. Credit your readers
with having read at least some of the manga, and don't bore us by showing what
we already know.
Finally, you need to edit better. There were a lot of misspelled words,
punctuation errors, and such that a careful reading would've caught. At the very
least, run it through electronic spell-check before you send it out.
Gary