On Wed, 24 May 2000, Michael Noakes wrote:
Sorry this C&C is so late! It took a long time to write!
Staring indifferently out the window, watching the urban landscape blur
past, he wished for the intermittent wooden clacking of an older train, but
heard nothing from the bullet train that carried him away from Nerima.
Mmm, the beginning of a new day and a new Noakes fic. Wonderful things. :)
You have a neat descriptive, yet disjointed style going on in these first
few paragraphs. Ranma's obviously not very comfortable in his skin at the
moment and you portray that wonderfully.
He pulled his gaze from the window. Across from him sat his mother,
looking small but refined contrasted with the bulk of his father squeezed
into the seat next to her.
I'd change 'contrasted' to 'in contrast.' Just a minor flow thing.
His mother flashed a brief smile his way before
returning her attention to the magazine at hand; his father released another
snore. In the seat beside Ranma sat Akane.
Good transition here.
remembered the tedium that then followed. Studying, school work, reading,
the everyday demands of everyday life. Not that he minded, at first.
Jusendo had taken a lot out of him, and if his stupid nightmares were any
Double space between if and his.
indication, he was only now realizing just how much the experience had truly
demanded. School had proved a welcome distraction, and contrary to popular
belief, he wasn't half the academic nitwit so many people (Nabiki, for sure,
and sometimes he suspected Akane as well) thought he was. Hadn't he passed
the very same entrance exams as they, to gain entrance into Furinkan?
Hadn't he pulled off passable grades despite the frequent interruptions of
his unique lifestyle? Let's see anyone else master the intricacies of
algebra while a pig with a grudge gnawed on their big toe!
Justifying a smarter Ranma. ;) I like it though.
Mousse seemed reluctant to challenge him,
and Kunou was already graduated and gone, and Ranma was surprised at how
much he missed both the duck and the dunce.
A bit of a run-on. I'd chop it in half at the 'gone,' nix the 'and' and
start the next sentence at 'Ranma.'
His eyes slid from his father and were, once again and this time almost
unwillingly, pulled back to his fiancee. Where he had found boredom, she
seemed to have prospered, pulling off great grades and returning to an
active social life, hanging around with Sayuri and Yuka, Hiroshi and
Daisuke, while he usually seemed to somehow miss the call to go out.
Hmm. I didn't think there was much casual dual-sex interaction in
Japan. You're the expert though. I get the nagging feeling that Akane
would miss the chaos a little as well, but I may be putting too much of
myself in her. She's a solid "normal" girl, but I'm not seeing her dual
nature in these passages. Her life was pretty crazy before Ranma arrived,
just by virtue of Kuno/the masses of boys. I've always gotten the
impression that she's almost above all else a very active girl and just
because she's not insane to the point of most of the other characters
doesn't mean she's sedate. Does that make any sense? Character arguments
rarely do. :)
Somehow, he was positive he hadn't quite achieved that same level of
maturity she now seemed to exhibit; somehow, he wasn't positive he ever
wanted to.
Dumb boys. :)
And besides, he told himself, and grinned, she might've matured, even
physically, but she still ain't half as good-looking as I am! Oh sure, he
had to admit, not too many people would make the mistake of calling her
tomboy anymore -- but she wasn't the only one who had developed. Weren't
calling her a tomboy
I think we've been lucky to get
accepted.
I'd put this sentence into the past tense. Sounds more natural.
He agreed with her, and played along, and looked through the guide book
with her, and feigned interest at the highlights she pointed out, all along
aware of the other booklet that peeked out from beneath, the one she had so
attentively been reading before: the book from Tokyo University, to which
she had been accepted, and he had not.
Hello Doestoevsky! It works though.
As for the sentiment, ouch! Poor Ranma sucks at accepting that anyone,
especially Akane, might be better than him at something.
And
after three years of that, he had no intention of repeating himself, for he
needed to move forward.
This sentence is a bit unwieldly, I'd snip it between 'himself' and 'he.'
But then, she's just acting that way for your benefit, he reminded
himself.
I'm not sure if this is intentional, but you keep extending hope in
Ranma's thoughts, like a sort of bait. Then you deflate it with a 'but.'
It's an interesting technique, and repeated several times in this first
part.
This place, what does it have to offer her, really? Very little,
in the end, and certainly nothing she couldn't get better, elsewhere.
Reflection on his insecurities about their relationship, perhaps?
He shrugged, and ignored the brief flash of -- annoyance,
disappointment -- that crossed her eyes.
This is all wrong! She's supposed to pull out her hammer/mallet and pound
him into the ground, screaming obscenities! What are you thinking?! :P
"I dunno. Guess so. Seems a
strange way to live, so many people stacked one atop another."
Hmm. This seems a little bit too much of a 'redneck' reaction from good
ol' Ranma. He didn't seem too interested or surprised at the apartments in
Nerima. Didn't the little girl in the Valentine arc live in an apartment?
"Your attitude stinks," Genma stated, then resumed climbing.
Wise Genma speaks the truth! :) Ranma is being a bit of a bitchy baby
here. I wish someone paid for my college.
ten years raising the kid, I mean, why should -I- have anything to say in
Double space between ten and years.
Ranma released his father, arms falling limply at his side, and offered
no resistence as he shrugged by. "I dunno."
Ranma = Holden Caulfield?
"Ryoga...used to write these poems all over his bandana...in green ink..."
Why else did he go to high school, if not this?
To get chicks. Er, get away from chicks.
As Ranma considered it further, he came to realize just how much he had
missed his shitty, lazy old panda of a father. It seemed a strange place to
make such a discovery. He took in the cramped room, the dim illumination,
the months-old notices on the display board, the musty smell of
haphazardly-washed old walls, and wondered how no one could realize that, in
this mundane hallway that had seen the passage of thousands, one young man
had just discovered the simple fact that maybe he truly loved his father.
Aw! *sniff*
Ranma snapped back to attention at a sudden interruption. As the guide
moved to lead the group towards one of the rooms, he nearly bumped into two
men blocking his way. The first person he barely noted, catching a cursory
glimpse of a tall, thin man with greying hair, narrow glasses, a hat; he
barely noticed the first because the second immediately demanded his full
attention.
Ranma's in love! His girl-side finally took over! Bring out the lingerie!
"So, what do you think?" asked his fiancee, as she curiously examined
the room, looking in from the doorway.
"Let's hump."
"I guess we are alone and in college now. Okay."
"Yeah, yeah," he muttered. He wondered if she had even noticed that a
potentially very dangerous martial artist had just passed by. He would have
to remember to ask her next time he went over to her house to train with
her, and berated himself for not having considered her skills in that area
previously.
So what was the bruise from?
With these things on his mind, he slid forward to peek into the
room. Nothing special, really, a little on the small side, compared to what
he had grown used to at the Tendos', with a single bed, a small desk, a
closet, and a tall bookshelf. He wouldn't be practising any moving katas in
there, that was certain.
I dunno. I think Ranma's overwhelming trait is adaptation. Would he use
the space for the quiet thief skills? Fighting in small spaces?
Ranma turned to Akane and met her enigmatic look . Was she going to
space between look and period.
"Die, freak!" he yelled, springing forward. He slammed his fist down
You capitalized freak in a previous sentence...
"Of course not," she said, and composed herself.
"Hmph. Well. Anyway, I think he must've been some kinda freak. Books
all over the place, weird posters. . . see, that's what happens when you
study too hard!"
It was a goth! Oh no!
With the book sitting in his lap, she needed to lean in to get a proper
view, and Ranma was suddenly acutely aware of her closeness, of the contact
as she supported herself against his shoulder, of the sparkle in her eyes
and the smile on her lips. . . .
"Let's hump."
"Okay."
"Jusenkyo. . . ?"
Dun dun dunnnnn....
This is such a fun read. :)
"Just returning from the bathroom," she said, somewhat quickly. "What
did your mom want? Is everything okay? Any problems? What's up?"
Question, as I understand things, the toliet is not in the room with the
bath in Japanese residences. If she was in the bathroom, why was she
there, I thought they took baths at night. If she was in the toliet...I
didn't think Japanese girls admitted things like that.
strides, Ranma expected that the day could only get better.
(insert Saturday Night Fever intro theme here)
A sudden, unconscious sharpening of awareness forced hesitation; he
swivelled back toward the front gate. Two figures stood at the threshold of
Furinkan, dark silhouettes against the sky. Ranma blinked into the early
morning sunlight as they slowly walked toward him. There was no mistaking
their intent nor their destination as they approached. To his surprise he
recognized them.
"Picolette! Madame St. Paul!"
appeared to be quite old, in his sixties at least, Ranma guessed, with
shockingly white hair that peeked from beneath a battered wide-brimmed hat
that sat precariously on his head. Startlingly blue, clear eyes peered from
behind thin, black-rimmed spectacles, set amidst a face of lean, sharp
features. He was tall, nearly two metres, but Ranma suspected he was rail
thin beneath the old-fashioned beige suit. Bloodless lips settled in a thin
line that turned down at the edges, in what appeared a look of perpetual
mild displeasure.
Col. Sanders! "Careful of his 'greasy wings of fire' attack, son!"
Shori Ryu was a very patient young man, which is why he made an excellent
team captain of Furinkan's kendo club. He sat in contemplation, posture and
position nearly identical to that of his predecessor, and thought of the
past.
Another patient young man. :)
only a setback, you're not losing to this jerk. You're better than him,
faster, stronger. Get up, get up!
Now at this point, I don't understand why he doesn't use a ki attack. It's
obvious he needs to up the ante, and he does so with the arm trick, but
Ranma's always been a fan of the quick and easy win. It's really the only
part of this fight I didn't find believable.
back here; the book itself might be a threat; 'pity the weak fool who. . ."
indeed.
Pity the foo! Pity the foo!
She sat cross-legged and unmoving with his book cradled in her lap, and
its open pages glowed a deep emerald green from within. Greyish tendrils
uncurled slowly from within the light's depth. Thick tentacles seeping
viscous fluid slithered across the floor and reached up the walls; reaching
from within the book, they crept along Akane's fiercely clenched arms and
coiled about sweat-drenched legs. They ensnared her in their embrace and
stretched towards her face, where her mouth gaped open in a silent scream,
eyes wide and unseeing; sought to envelop her fully within their grasp even
as Ranma watched on in silent horror.
Noakes is a hentai!! Yowza!
"Moko Takabisha!" he howled.
There's the elusive ki blast.
Mr. Tendo seemed unaware of the damage. "Akane. . . ?" he asked.
He glanced down at her and looked back up with a smile. "She's fine,
Mr. Tendo."
But now she is a woman not, plant, not human...but Poison Ivy!
Longer than I expected, since I was aiming at making each chapter about
fifteen pages long, and this one came in at double that.
Yeah, no kiddin'. Ai yi yi! C&C takes forever when you have to hand delete
line by line everything else. 50k next time, okay? Please? (eyelash bat)
Well, whatever; I hate appologizing for a fic. Hope you enjoyed it, and as
always, feedback is greatly appreciated. Hope to have the next chapter out
within the month.
I'm really really looking forward to it. And I guess I've already compared
you to two classics authors, is that enough appreciation? :)
You've taken a very novel and interesting approach to life after the
manga. More! And soon!!
Colleen