sorry, a few comments on your comments here and there, just some thought
mainly.
King "Casey" Chan
Lord Of All That Is Apathetic and Indecisive (I think)
Akane sighed. "Enough of this. He..Er...They are our guests. We
should treat them as such." Akane looked at the winged red-head.
"I'm Akane, want to be friends?"
Ranko smiled, showing her fangs. "Can we?" She was genuinely
enthusiastic.
Akane, however, got a look at the fangs and freaked out. "A
vampire! Aaaaa!"
Akane pulled a wooden mallet out which curiously had a sharp end to
it and swung it at Ranko's chest. Things seemed to move in slow
motion as Ranko screamed and dropped into a crouch, rolling
backwards. Ranma ran and stopped, throwing her leg in front of the
mallet-spike blocking it with her shin. The look on her face was
one of anger. Yet, she stayed in that position, seemingly balancing
on one leg while holding the mallet-spike up with the other.
Huh? Why ever would she have this thing? Remember, in the
manga/anime, Akane never used a mallet until Kasumi gave her one
specifically.
Now later, we learn that Akane has some experience with
vampires, so it *might* make sense for her to carry around a wooden
stake just in case, but a spiked mallet? no.
** could be a standard fanfic akane, and if you came across vampires before
(like akane supposedly did) a spiked wooden mallet would make some sense if
you have the standard european vampires.
Soun started wailing. "Wahh! My youngest daughter has no honor."
"Akane! They are guests. Trying to kill guests is impolite,"
scolded Kasumi sternly.
Nabiki, for once, couldn't say anything. She was still in shock by
what she had just seen. Her jaw was still hanging open, which her
sister Kasumi politely closed for her, causing an audible "click"
sound when her teeth came together. "Nabiki, please keep your mouth
closed, its not nice to make faces at our guests."
Akane fumed. Fine, she thought. Make her look like the bad guy. She
tries to protect her family from some vampire and they turn on her.
"Fine, then. I challenge you, vampire."
Much much further down, we learn Akane's motivation, but it
should actually come out here. After all, if Mrs. Tendou was done
wrong by a demon vampire, shouldn't the rest of the family be
reacting negatively too? Wouldn't Akane be curious as to why they
weren't?
And what does she gain by challenging the vampire? It's clear
her family is a bunch of sheep who won't change their opinion....
** kids can have _very_ wild imaginations, Akane as a child might imagined
this vampire or was simply told this by soun or kasumi instead of "she's
going away for awhile"
"Oh, my," summed up Kasumi, putting her hand to her mouth.
Akane glared at Ranma triumphantly. "I knew it! He is a pervert!
With a vampire sister!"
Huh? This makes no sense, even by Akane standards. Remember,
Akane started calling Ranma a "pervert" because he saw her naked, and
as a Japanese pun on "shapeshifter". This Ranma hasn't done anything
like that.
A more appropriate epithet would be something like
"demon-lover" or the like...
** she could be thinking that Ranma was like the boys at the school. after
all i doubt she's had any experience with a _normal_ boy. and what's the pun
on shapeshifter? I've never heard of that one...
Ranko flung her arms around Kasumi's neck in a girlish hug. "You're
the best, Kasumi!" Kasumi smiled.
Akane chose that moment to enter the bath thinking that it would be
nice to have a nice hot bath herself. What she saw when she walked
in was Ranko trying to sink her fangs into Kasumi's neck. The
innocent ploy was so obvious to Akane. Ranko acted innocent until
she got one of Akane's sisters alone and then she sucked their
blood. Simple. Why didn't anyone else see how simple it was? And
there was no way Akane was going to let this happen in her family
again! Once was enough.
Again, why does no one else make the connection?
** what connection? ranko the "vampire" is like the vampire that took Mrs.
Tendo?
there's no given proof that a vampire really is the cause of mrs. Tendo's
death (so far in the fic at least)
Ranma, Nabiki, Genma and Soun were in the bathroom in a flash
before Akane knew what was going on. "Akane, what happened?"
Akane was in a rage, tears coming down the side of her face. "Your
kind took my mother from me! Your kind are the ones to blame for
her not being here!" By now, her aura had made itself known and
tripled in size.
Ranma stepped forward, visibly agitated. "Calm down, Akane. Ranko
is NOT a vampire. I wish you would get it through your head. SHE IS
NOT YOUR ENEMY!"
Akane launched herself at Ranma. "Like hell she isn't! She has the
fangs! She has the wings! She's a vampire!" Ranma moved to the
side, catching Akane in seemingly one move. Akane fell asleep in
Ranma's arms.
Kasumi ran over to where Ranko's unmoving form was slowly sinking
under the water and pulled her out of the bathtub.
"Ranko...Ranko...?" Kasumi put her head over Ranko's mouth and
listened, quietly. She breathed a sigh of relief. "Good. She is
still breathing..." Kasumi gently picked Ranko up and got her out
of the danger zone.
And still, no one thinks to explain *why* Akane might be upset?
They just let it hang?
---------------------
Kasumi continued to work on Ranko in her room. As she removed
Ranko's shirt to clean the blood which had dribbled down her back,
she was startled to find claw marks all over her back. She looked
at her own finger nails and at Ranko's. She realized that nothing
human could have made those. She wondered what caused
them....Kasumi didn't notice that while she was cleaning the
wounds, they seemed to be healing up as her hands touched the
places where Ranko was injured. She also didn't notice her hands
glowing a slight blue-ish color either.
Umm, where *did* those come from? Akane didn't do it, and we
didn't see anyone else who could....
There was a knock on her door.
"Enter."
Ranma-chan entered the room, wet, and looking somewhat annoyed.
"Akane is sleeping in her bed."
Kasumi smiled. "Ah, there you are, Ranma. I want your sister to
stay in my room. At least for a little while."
Ranma thought about that for a moment before nodding. "That would
work fine. I can't think of anyone else who she'd feel more
comfortable with. Thanks, Kasumi."
"Oh, and Ranma, one more thing," began Kasumi hesitantly.
"Yes?"
"You still haven't told us why Ranko is like she is? Surely this
isn't something that just happenned out of the blue?"
Ranma sighed. He had hoped he could avoid telling people about why
Ranko was half demon or how she was.
Kasumi noticed how uneasy Ranma was with the question and smiled.
"Ranma, the reason why I ask is because when I laid Ranko down in
my bed to rest, I noticed there were strange scratches and cuts all
over her back. These didn't look like anything that could have been
made by a human. And they felt...Well, demonic...For lack of a
better word for it. Your sister is half demon, isn't she?"
Ranma was startled. "How-?"
Kasumi gave that angelic smile again. "It seems to be a trait I
inherited from Mother, before she died."
Umm, okay, interesting, but is this an mother to eldest daughter
sort of thing, or do the other two have a different mom, or what?
** oh come now, you wouldn't expect something from one parent to have passed
down to all three daughters do you?
Ranma sighed again. "My sister is the results of one of my Pop's
mistresses who turned out to be a demoness who seduced him. He
awoke the next morning to her laughing and handed him a baby girl.
I didn't find out about this until a few years ago myself.
Regardless of where she came from, though, she is still my sister."
Blink blink. *One* of Genma's mistresses? he never did that in
canon...on the other hand, he's willing to raise a baby that appears
overnight and which the demoness *claims* is his....which actually
comes down on the credit side for once.
** Genma: Now I can engaged Ranko to Tenchi and get the Masaki Shrine too!
"Kasumi, I don't want Ranko to know where she comes from. She has
enough problems with excepting the fact she is different. If she
knew she was half demon, she would have even more troubles."
Umm, like it isn't fairly obvious? Someone's gonna tell her
eventually, and it might as well be someone who likes her...
** True, probably should have told her when she was a lot younger
Major suggestion: Skip the "parallel to original" stuff as much
as possible, and move directly into the infestation of actual demon
vampires that obviously has panicked citizens into buying jeweled
Daggers of Demon Slaying and such...
** or maybe some special group of demon hunters, or controlling artifacts