WARNING: This fic is very strange and I mean VERY strange.
This is probably the strangest thing I've written in story format and I
wrote it while partially drunk. You have been forewarned and
please remember, these are merely the ramblings of someone who
wants to make you laugh.
Pity The Fuu
By: Dreiser
She took a deep breath before beginning her explanation,
which promised to be detailed given the question that had just been
asked of her.
"First of all, it starts with my name. Fuu. Hououji Fuu. You
can't tell me that when you hear my name people don't immediately
go 'what?'. There's just something about saying the word 'Fuu' that
gets to people. I know that it gets to me. Secondly, I never got any
proper attention at home. My older sister would always pretend to
listen to me but in reality, she was only using me. She just wanted
me to fetch pastries for her. Every day, I would hear about the
pastries. The pastries at Tokyo Tower, the pastries in Kyoto, the
pastries of France, all day, every day, with the stupid pastries!
How's a person supposed to not be affected by hearing that?!
"Then there's my friends, Hikaru and Umi, they have color
coordinating hair and eyes, but look at me! Do I have color
coordinating hair and eyes? Noooo, I have stupid blonde hair and
green eyes. That doesn't coordinate at all and just makes me stick
out even more in battle. I bet half of our enemies attack me
because I have hair and eyes that don't coordinate. And about
Hikaru and Umi, they never stop doing it! I can tell because our
emotions are all connected so EVERY freaking time they're doing
it, which is almost always with small breaks to eat and sleep, I can
feel what's going on. And yes, before you ask, Umi is a screamer.
But what really gets to me is the fact that we only have this one tiny
bed for the three of us and if I'm not in the mood to do it with them
I get stuck on the floor which is cold and sticky. It being sticky is
something that I don't even want to begin to explain to you.
"The only thing that consoles me is Ferio. But I even have
problems with him, despite the fact that he has hair and eyes the
exact opposite colors of myself. What? You didn't notice that? My
hair is blonde, his is green, my eyes are green, his eyes are yellow,
freaky, huh? Anyway, my problems with him revolve around our
swords. It's not my fault that my sword is bigger than his, but he
just won't let go of that fact. He always says, 'your sword's bigger
because of magical enhancements, I don't have to enhance MY
sword.' As if he can talk! He knows very well that I never wanted
a sword this big.
"It was all Presea's idea, she said to me, she said, 'Fuu you
need a real big sword, that's what you need. One hella big sword.
That'll give you some of the happies like I give my Hikaru every
day.' Sure the sword is big but maybe I'd get the happies like
Hikaru if she hadn't made it so damn bubbly looking. The hilt looks
like a freaking June bug that's all bloated and constipated. Why
can't I have a sharp and dangerous looking sword like Hikaru or
Umi? Is it because I don't put out as much? I'm sorry, I'm just not
horny every five seconds of the day! Before I could start to explain
the whole bubbly bloated June bug hilt thing to Presea she went off
to do with it Hikaru again and I had to hear Umi bitch about Presea
moving in on her territory and how she thought her shoulder pads
were uneven. Oh! And about shoulder pads, Ferio doesn't even
wear them, which is another issue with us. What sort of guy doesn't
wear shoulder pads in Cephiro? I thought that wearing them was a
law here or something.
"While we're on the topics of fashion accessories, I want to
know what's up with the wings on my head? You know, the ones
that I wear when I transform to ride inside of Windam. They look
like maxi-pads with wings and the last thing I associate with magic
is a pair of maxi-pads with wings stuck to the sides of my head!
Frankly, they don't even inspire freshness feelings within me. And
why do I lose my glasses whenever I get inside Windam? I bet you
that he steals them from me! I've lost over thirty pairs of glasses so
far! That giant Rune God aka metal pervert thing is stealing them
from me and creating a shrine to my glasses. God, why did I think
of that? Bad mental image.
"About Windam, what sort of powers did he give me? I
mean, what are my powers anyway? Winds of Healing?! What the
hell is that? I get to put up barriers to protect us from blasts, sure,
but then they stay up way too long and anytime Hikaru and Umi
are trapped together for more than five seconds they start doing it!
I'd be better off with leaf power or something like that. At least
then I could summon giant spinning and deadly leaves that I could
chop peoples heads off with. Hmm... leaf power. The more that I
think about that the better it sounds.
"I never get to go on vacations. My family never leaves
Tokyo. I have no idea what Japan looks like outside of the district
I've grown up in and the first time that I get to leave Tokyo it's to
another world, dimension, whatever you call this place named
Cephiro. But soon as I get here, do I get to look around? Sight
see, ride the trains, and take a cruise or two? No, of course not! I
have to rescue the Princess Emeraude, so says Mage 'a big horn is
growing out of my head for no reason' Clef. Why does everyone
like that horn so much anyway? People always seem to be stroking
it and Clef looks all funny when they do... hmm. Anyway, it all
turns out that I wasn't even here to rescue her, I was sent here to
assassinate her ass for falling in love with Zagato. Magic Knights?
Whatever, I think we should be called Magic Assassins.
"I have to pee. Yeah, you heard me. I have to pee. But will
I get to pee? Noooo! And do you know why? Because Anime
characters are deprived of their natural born toilet rights! I have a
right to go pee whenever I have the urge to go pee even if its in my
pants! But do I get to go pee? NO! And do you know why?!
Because none of you stupid viewers want to see me take a wizz!
So as long as I've been an ink drawing on a cell I've been holding it
in. You try and imagine that drooling fanboys! I bet that just makes
you look at me in a whole other light, huh?
"While we're on the subject of hygiene, why hasn't anyone
offered me a change of clothes? I've been wearing the same outfit
since the start of this series and it's starting to really reek. I have to
wear it constantly, even underneath my armor and when I ride
around inside of that big metal pervert, Windam. Plus, I never get
to change my armor either! Sure, it evolves but it's the same armor!
I never get to clean it or hose it off, not that they have hoses here in
Cephiro anyway! But you know what all this means, don't you? I
smell. And I smell BAD. Who wouldn't when they can't change
their clothes, armor, and even underwear for who knows how long
while they fight against every bad guy on the known planet? I
haven't even had time to brush my teeth! They're crusty!
"Those are just some of my problems, I could go on longer
but all you seem to care about is your own quest to find laxatives. I
promise to bring them back to you if I ever go home to Tokyo and
get sucked back here for no apparent reason other than it seems
cool to the fans. But does that answer your question about why I
look so depressed all of the time?"
"Puu," was the only reply.
"I told you!" Fuu ranted, looking depressed, as always. "I
can't do that!"
-End-
The characters of Hououji Fuu and Mokona are from Magic
Knight Rayearth. This fic comes from drunkenness and watching
this series with my friend Matt. As we sat and watched it we
determined three things. 1) Fuu is always depressed. 2) Hikaru is
the ultimate chick magnet. 3) Mokona almost always looks
constipated. 4) Shoulder pads and swords are used as subtextual
devices in the series. Hey, wait, that's four things. Oh well, I'm not
all here tonight anyway. I hope this fic didn't scare you... too much.
Send comments to: Dreiser1@ix.netcom.com
Chat with me on ICQ! My ICQ # is: 37674780
Thanks to Red Death all of my fanfics are archived at:
http://www.lvdi.net/~reddeath/dreiser.htm
"You feel so squeezably soft and velvety smooth."
-Ryuuzaki Umi; Magic Knight Rayearth-