Fanservice

A Neon Genesis Evangelion fanfiction
by Andrew Carey

Characters and situations of Neon Genesis Evangelion are property of their authors and publishers.  I am merely borrowing them for this work of non-profit fanfiction.  This also goes for borrowings from Ranma �, Oh My Goddess!, and Tenchi Muyo.
Influences from Happosai's lovely Tenchi Muyo fanfiction "Aikan Muyo" are intended with utmost respect.
Lime Warning.
Slash Warning.
WAFF Warning.
Silly Warning.

C&C welcomed and desired.
Flames deleted.
********************

    Kaoru was asleep when the Angelic Express deliveryman buzzed his apartment. Groggily he stumbled to the intercom.  "Nagisa here.  Wha' is 't?"

    "Delivery for Nagisa Kaoru.  Says it's from Seele Productions Ltd."

    "Yes!" Kaoru cried, suddenly much more awake.

    "Excuse me?"

    "Nothing.  I'll be right there."  He grabbed a pair of pants and a shirt off his desk chair, threw them on, and headed down to the foyer.

    He hugged the script to his chest all the way back upstairs.  Once inside he didn't even take the time to make coffee before sitting down at his kitchen table and ripping the envelope open.

    The beginning was fabulous.  He actually had a real chance to interact with Ikari Shinji, not just another meaningless battle. <Maybe they're going to end with a message of peace and tolerance.  Make love, not war, be open to alternative possibilities and new ideas.  Shinji-kun _is_ fetching...> But as he read on, he liked it less and less.   By the time he reached the end he was furious.  He reached for the phone.  "Lorenz-san?  It's off!"

    "Kaoru, buddy, slow down, slow down.  What's wrong?"

    "The script is tripe, Lorenz.  Utter tripe.  And homophobic besides.  I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole."

    "Homophobic?  Kaoru, you know I'd never..."

    "Then why does Ikari kill me at the end?  It sounds to me like _someone_ can't stand the idea of a positive gay relationship!  And what's all this existentialist crap?  I want to draw humans and angels together, not shove them apart!  This is socially irresponsible."

    "It's not like that..."

    "Yes it is.  I'm out."  He slammed down the phone, then picked it up again and dialed a new number.  "Hey, Ellen, what's up?  Kaoru here.  About that remake of �It's A Wonderful Life'?  I'm in if you want me."
***************

    *Thump-Thump* Someone was energetically pounding on Shinji's door.  He glanced at the clock. <Five in the morning?  Misato can't be up...>

    "Shinji!  Wake up!"

    "Asuka?"

    "Who else, silly?"

    He ran to the door and flung it open.  "Asuka?  You... you were in hospital, you weren't conscious.  What..."

    "I woke up this morning and they let me out.  I don't know quite what happened, but your father said something about �it's all over.'  He seemed a bit distraught."

    Shinji pinched himself.  "I can hardly believe it's true..."

    Asuka grinned.  "Maybe this'll help."  She threw her arms around him; after a single stunned moment, he embraced her.  "That's better." she whispered.

    "Great, now I know you're not the real Asuka."

    "Shinji no baka!"  She pulled a large whip out of thin air.


    <Merciful gods, where did she get that thing?> "I'm sorry, Asuka." he said quickly.

    "�Sorry' isn't good enough.  Say �I submit myself to your judgement, oujo-sama.'"

    "Asuka?  What happened?"  Misato's bloodshot eyes were wide.

    "Misato!" Asuka cried, springing across the room to hug her guardian.  "I don't know, but I'm back.   How are you?"

    "Hung over.  You're not DTs, right?"

    "Of course not.  Now if you'll excuse us, Shinji and I have something to discuss."

    Misato wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.  "Okay...anything I can help you with?" she said blearily.

    "No," Asuka said firmly, "just a little custom from Jur... I mean, Germany."

    "Oh, right.  Have a good time."

    "Misato, she's going to..."

    "Don't be afraid, Shinji-chan.  You're going to like this, eventually."  She hooked her arm about him and dragged him back into his room, shutting the door behind them.  "No rings?  How badly designed this room is!  I guess I'll tie you to the chair..."
***************

    Misato sat up in bed.  "Man, what a dream!  The things I come up with...wait a second, did that really happen?  Oh my goddess, I think it did..."  She scrabbled fruitlessly for her phone amid the papers of her desk, before she remembered that she'd left it in the pile of clothes beside her futon.  "Ritsuko?  Did Asuka get out of hospital today?"

    "Misato, we had a very long night, and only just got to sleep..."

    "Well, did she?"


    "Of course she did.  She said she was going home-- I would assume you're asking about all this because you've seen her."

    "Yes!  She had a whip, she said she had something to discuss with Shinji, she dragged him into his room and shut the door."

    "I think the kids deserve a little happiness, don't you?  They've certainly been through enough suffering."

    "Ritsuko, she had a whip!"

    "Misato, you're drunk.  Go back to sleep."

    "But what if she hurts him?"

    "He'll be fine.  She'll be fine.  God's in his heaven, and all's-- nothing, M... darling, it's just Misato drunk again-- right with the world.  Go back to bed, Misato." *Click*

    Dreading what she might discover outside the door, Misato rose and threw on her robe.  She paused for a moment, listening; there was no sound from Shinji's room but a low murmur of voices, punctuated with the occasional kiss. <Maybe I did dream the part about the whip.  I was just so surprised to see her back, and being so sweet to Shinji, that my mind started playing tricks on me.  Yeah, that's it.> Greatly relieved, she stumbled into the shower.
***************

    "Out!  All of you!  Now!"

    "But Commander, sir..."

    "Out, I said!  That's a direct order!"

    "Yessir."  The last of the techs left the hangar without a backward glance. Ikari Gendou waited until the door was firmly shut before sitting down beside EVA-01's cage.

    "What am I going to do, Yui?  We've spent so many years on this project, and now it's all fallen apart, just because one stupid angel didn't like his part and Seele doesn't think anyone else can fulfill their artistic vision.  Now they'll be no Instrumentality of Man, no Third Impact, nothing.  What are we to do?"


    The Evangelion unit made a series of low rumbling noises.

    "Yui?  You want to come out again?"
***************

    "Nothing like a shower and a beer to start the day!" Misato declared happily to no one in particular as she opened the refrigerator, still wrapped in her towel.  Before dressing, she knocked on Shinji's door.  "Hey, kids, I'm out of the shower, okay?"

    "Thanks, Misato!" Asuka called cheerfully.  "C'mon, sweetheart, time to get up."

    <I feel a little weird about letting them sleep together, but Rits-chan's right.  They've been through too much to be grudged a bit of comfort.> Reassured, she entered her own room, whistling a jaunty little off-key tune.

    When she'd dressed she found them in the kitchen, already bathed and busily engaged in making breakfast.  She couldn't help but smile to see them working together so smoothly, each doing their share unasked. <Maybe we didn't go far enough with their synchronisation training.>

    They began bringing dishes over to the table.  "Congratulations," Misato said.  Shinji blushed, and Asuka grinned heartily.  "I knew you had it in you, Shin-chan." she added, slapping him on the back.  He winced.

    Instantly Asuka was at his side, stroking her hand down his cheek.  "Darling?"

    "I'm fine.  Just a little sore."
****************

    "You're moving to Hawai'ii?"

    "Not permanently, son.  Just for a year or so.  I hope you aren't upset, but your mother and I really need some time alone together.  You can stay here with Major Katsuragi, if you like..."

    "Sure, Dad."


    "That is, if it's all right with you, Major?"

    "Yay!  I don't have to eat my own cooking...  I mean, I'd be delighted, sir."

    "Good bye, son."  Gendou offered his hand.  Shinji blinked, then took it, and the Commander of NERV (Ret.) strode towards the waiting VTOL.

    Yui stayed behind for a moment.  "Shin-chan?  I'd like to give you something.  It's a book that a very dear old friend and mentor of mine wrote.  I hope it will help to advise and guide you while we're gone."

    Shinji was touched.  "Thank you, mother.  Thank you, for everything."

    She hugged him.  "You're living with two beautiful women, Shin-chan.  Make us proud."

    Misato and Asuka each slipped an arm around his shoulders as the tilt-rotor rose from the landing pad and headed toward Tokyo-3 International.  They stood for a long while, until finally
Misato said "Let's go back to our home, okay?"

     "What was that your mother gave you, Shinji?" Asuka wanted to know

    "Some book she thought I should have.  I guess some friend of hers wrote it.  I didn't really look."

    "Well, you should."

    "Ah, it's probably just some poems or something."

    "Enquiring minds want to know" Misato teased.

    "Okay, okay, I'll open it."  He took the small package out of his pocket and slit the tape with his fingernail.  "It says it's _Being a Man Among Men: a Guide for Today's Youth_.  It's written by somebody named Saotome Nodoka."
***************

    "Today, Third Child, we are going shopping."


    "Shopping?  Us, together?"

    "Yes."

    "But isn't that girl stuff?  Why can't you go with Hikari, or Rei?"

    "Because I want to go with you."  Her eyes grew soft and dewy.  "Shinji-chan, don't you want to be seen with me?  I--sniff-- understand if you don't..."

    <Stupid Shinji, learn to be careful!> he thought to himself.  <She's so sweet, and so fragile...>  He hugged her to his chest, pillowed her head with his shoulder, stroked her red hair, all the while saying softly "I'm sorry, Asuka-chan.  I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

    "Good, because if you had I'd be forced to get out the handcuffs and the candle, and that would delay us by at least an hour."

    "Hai, oujo-sama."

    She kissed his cheek.  "C'mon, let's get dressed.  Daylight's burning."

    To his surprise, she didn't lead him to the local mall.  Rather, they took the train to a part of Tokyo-3 he had scarcely known existed, a neighbourhood of close-set buildings and narrow winding streets, a warren of tiny shops where stuffed squirrels shared display windows with oracle bones and designer knock-offs.

    "Asuka?  What are we looking for?"

    "Sex toys."  Shinji blushed bright red and clapped a hand to his nose.  Asuka sighed and squeezed his shoulder.  "Don't worry, sweetheart, nothing too embarrassing."

    They entered one of the little shops.  To Shinji's surprise, Asuka marched past the rack of whips, paddles, and canes without a second glance.  Ropes and chains seemed to hold no interest for her.  Even a shelf of small white teacups was ignored.  Instead, she seemed most interested in a collection of paper packets.  Visions of unimaginable perversion danced in his head. <I mustn't run away.  I mustn't run away.>

    "They don't have what we're looking for," she declared, taking him by the arm and leading him out the door.

    Soon the small shops began to blur together in Shinji's head as Asuka dragged him in and out at lightning speed.  They were offered rare oils and herbs, illustrated manuals of Tantric love, courses in secret shiatsu techniques.  "Would Miss care to examine this lovely Ming dynasty discipline?" asked one wizened proprietor.  "It belonged to the legendary Amazon General Tso So Pu."

    "We have very fine tonic," declared another.  "Give strength of tiger, courage of bear, endowment of stallion.  Very good for man belong to demanding woman."

    Finally, at the end of the afternoon, they entered a shop at the farthest end of the narrowest, dirtiest alley.  Asuka paid no attention to the dusty shelves and cases, crammed with jars of pickled roots and gallbladders, vials of dragon bone powder, and many more items Shinji couldn't even begin to identify.  Instead, she strode confidently to the counter and uttered a long, melodic sentence.  For a moment he thought she had addressed a pile of throw rugs, until the tiny old woman beneath opened her eyes and replied in the same tongue.

    The two of them dickered back and forth for some time.  Every so often the shopkeeper's small, glittering eyes swept in Shinji's direction, leaving him with a feeling somewhere between that of being interrogated by one's mother-in-law and that of being abducted and probed by extraterrestrials.

    At last, the old woman brought out a strongbox, from which she withdrew a selection of paper packets.  She held one up, declaring something.

    Asuka's reply sounded skeptical.  The old woman responded defiantly.  Asuka repeated whatever it was she'd said.  The old woman shrugged and brought out a terrycloth robe, a small pail, and a cage of mice.

    "Shinji.  She wants you to fill this bucket-- there's a water tap through that door."

    "What?"

    "Just do it."

    The small bathroom was only slightly intimidating-- a few poultry carcasses hung over a galvanised tub, and bundles of unidentified vegetables, some of them moving, covered half the floor.  He'd seen much worse when Misato took them to visit her ancestral village.

    The old woman stirred the contents of the packet into the water.  She laid the robe on the floor, carefully placed a mouse within, and dumped the pail.

    Shinji gasped.  The mouse began to grow, in a manner which completely defied the law of conservation of mass and energy.  Its legs lengthened, and paws began to become feet and hands as the tail shrank.  Within seconds, a sharp-faced young man dressed in a damp robe stood before them, looking very confused.  Asuka just smiled triumphantly.

    The old woman poured a teakettle over the bewildered young man, turning him back into an even-more-bewildered mouse.  He immediately scurried towards a hole in the wall..

    The old woman looked expectantly at Asuka, who brought out her wallet.

    The took the long way back to the station.  "Asuka," Shinji said, "I didn't know you spoke Chinese."

    "I don't."

    "Then what was that language you were speaking in the shop?"

    "Norwegian.  I spent summers there when I was a little girl."

    "Why is a Norwegian selling Chinese herbs in Tokyo-3?"

    "She's not Norwegian.  She's Laotian.  Couldn't you hear the accent?"

    "Why...never mind."   He didn't want to know.  "What is that stuff, anyhow?"

    "Instant Nanniichuan," was her reply.  He raised his eyebrow,  "Spring of Drowned Man."

    "But I thought we were shopping for... sex toys?"

    "Trust me, we were."

    "Asuka!  That's disgusting.  There's no way I'm going to do it."

    She shrugged.  "Why not?"

    "It would hurt!"

    She sighed.  "Shinji, we don't have to do _that_."

    "It's still disgusting."

    "Shinji, this is the twenty-first century.  There's no reason to be so old-fashioned."  He looked doubtful.  "Shinji, I'm not talking about some random guy.  I'm talking about _me_.  Your Asuka-chan.  We only have to do this once, if you don't like it."

    "But, Asuka..."

    "Haven't you ever wondered what it might feel like to be a woman?"  He reddened.  "I thought so.  Next time we'll get Spring of Drowned Girl, how's that?"

    "Okay..."

    "I knew you'd see reason, darling."  She patted his cheek.  "Just be glad it's me.  We have to make the slash crowd happy somehow, and I hear in the original script it was you and some Angel."

    "Gurrk."  She caught him before he could fall.

    "Good thing I brought the smelling salts."
**************

    "Gendou..." Yui said seductively.

    <Good heavens, I'm not going to survive this...> Apparently Yui intended on making up for her ten years in Unit 01 within the next six months.

    "Gendou... the mail's here."  He breathed a sigh of relief.

    "What came?"

    "Well, our son sends his regards.  He says everything's fine in Tokyo-3.  I'm a bit worried about him, though."

    "Why?"

    "He and Asuka-chan are apparently getting along well, but he hasn't said anything about that lovely Major Katsuragi."

    "Yui, she's twenty-nine.  He isn't quite fifteen."

    "So?  She only looks twenty or so, and she certainly acts like it.  The three of them would be very cute together.  How can I show Nodoka-sensei my son's wedding pictures if he only has one wife?"

    Gendou sighed. <At least she's given up on putting Shinji and Rei together. I'm not squeamish, but incest is too much.>

    "They say you shouldn't knock it unless you've tried it, Gen-chan."

    "Aieee!  Don't do that." <She didn't _used_ to be telepathic.  I wish she'd never talked me into letting her merge with the Eva.>

    She smiled seductively.  "The Mountie suit and the bunny costume also arrived, Gen-chan.  Want to try them out before dinner?"
***************

    "I'm going out with some old friends from college," Misato
declared that evening after dinner.

    <That's a relief,> Shinji thought.  Asuka just smiled.  "Have a good time," she said.

    "I'll try.  Don't do anything I wouldn't do, okay?"

    "Do we ever?"

    "Not really, although I don't think I'd tie Shin-chan up quite as often as you do."

    "Don't faint on me, darling.  We're going to play tonight."  She kissed him on the tip of his nose and led him to their bedroom.  She'd already laid out a glass of water and the packet.  Now she put a relaxing CD on the stereo, lit a stick of incense, and began to undress.

    She was beautiful as always.  "Do you want to watch, sweetheart?"  The thought twisted in his mind: breasts shrinking into hard pecs, hips narrowing, shoulders widening.  He didn't know whether it was enticing or revolting.

    "If you're not sure, you might better turn your back."  He did.

    A moment later, a heavy hand descended on his shoulder.  Hot breath tickled his ear, along with something unfamiliar <It feels... brushy?>  "You can turn round, hertzliebster," rumbled a voice in his ear.

    She was usually somewhat taller than he was; in male form he topped him by twenty centimeters.  His muscles were beautifully defined, and for some reason he had a long, drooping mustache.  Combined with his glorious mane of red hair, it made him look fierce and wild, like a Viking warrior.

    Shinji looked him in the eye. <There's my Asuka,> he thought. <The eyes are the windows of the soul, and she's looking out at me as always.  It's her.  He's her.  And he's marvelous handsome...> Being embraced against the muscular chest was strangely comforting.  "Do you still want to go through with this, Shinji-chan?"

    "Yes."

    "Good."

    Much later, they lay cuddled together in the darkness. "Well, how was it?"

    "I wouldn't want it all the time, but..." he paused.

    "Spit it out."

    "Well, uh..."

    "Go on, I won't tell anyone."

    "It actually tastes pretty good.  And I think after a few more times I might really start to like it."

    "I'm so glad.  Cherry brandy and hot milk is a very old tradition in my family."
***************

    Even the shop at the end of the alley didn't have any instant Spring of Drowned Girl.  The old woman responded to Asuka's questions with a long discourse in Laotian-accented Norwegian, jotting all the while on a piece of torn paper.

    "She says there's a place by the port," Asuka told him as they left.  "It's a little hard to find, but she's given us directions and she knows the owner."

    Shinji didn't much fancy the neighbourhood.  It wasn't that it was particularly dirty; if anything, it was cleaner than most dockside areas.  It wasn't that there were shady people hanging around on the street corners; there weren't any, and the one crop-haired, heavily tattooed man kept his eyes strictly on the ground, as if he were frightened of something.

    What bothered him was the high incidence of unusual animals.  There were kangaroos, pandas, giant squirrels, sloths, and creatures he'd never even heard of before.  They seemed disturbingly intelligent; many were carrying packages and bags of groceries, and several appeared to engage in conversation, using sign language or writing on small placards.  He should have been used to that sort of thing after living so many months with Pen-pen, but he wasn't.

    A few minutes later they walked out of yet another cluttered shop with a small bottle of clear liquid.  "Asuka, are you sure of this?"

    "Of course."

    "Isn't that stuff supposed to be a powder?"

    "It's premixed.  �Shake well before using.'"

    "Okay."
***************

    <What a lovely evening,> Misato thought to herself.  She'd run into her old classmate Skuld, and been invited to dinner with her family.  They were quieter than her usual crowd, but very, very good people. <Belldandy-san and Keiichi-san certainly are wonderful hosts.> The food had been superb, and the beer the best she'd ever tasted.

    "An old family recipe," they'd said.  She wondered absently how three Norwegian sisters had wound up living in Japan.  <And why don't they have a surname?  Is it against their religion or something?>

    Contented, she made her way to her flat.  Shinji and Asuka were sitting outside on the balcony, looking at the stars.  She smiled to see them so kind and affectionate with each other. <I guess maybe all Asuka ever needed was love.  Pity we didn't figure it out earlier.>

    "I brought ice cream.  You two want some?"

    "Sure," Asuka declared happily.  Shinji seemed a bit more subdued.  He smiled wanly in response to her grin. <I hope Asuka isn't tiring him out too much.  Maybe I'd better explain to her how fragile men really are.>

    "Anyone else want a glass of water?"

    "Yes, please," Shinji said.

    "I'm fine, thanks."

    She was setting the two glasses on the table when somehow one slipped in her hand.  The splash of water hit Shinji directly in the face.

    "Oh no!"  In seconds, he lost five centimeters in height and gained thirty in the chest.

    "Oh my," Misato exclaimed. <I haven't seen that sort of thing in years.>

    "Asuka," his voice was a clear soprano, "what happened?  I thought it only worked one time."


    Asuka hugged him.  "Shinji, I'm sorry; it must have been real Spring of Drowned Girl, not instant."  She turned to Misato. "Don't worry, he'll change back with hot water."

    "I didn't realise they were bottling it," was all she could think to say.

    "You know about Jusenkyo water?"

    "Of course.  There was a professor in the phys ed department at my university who had the Drowned Girl curse; my advisor was one of his wives.  He was a very handsome man, and he made a really beautiful woman.

    "Just like you, Shinji-kun."

    "Misato-san?"

    "Well, you do!  Doesn't he, Asuka?"

    "He sure does.  Maybe this isn't such a bad thing."

    "We could have a lot of fun buying clothes for her," Misato mused.  "And we could take her out to night clubs and Takarazuka performances."

    "We'll have to grow her hair out so we can play with it."

    "I think she'd look really nice with a pigtail, and it'd look sexy when he's in male form, as well."

    "Yeah."

    "And we could go to manga conventions and do cosplay!"

    "Cool."

    "Don't look so glum, Shin-chan; lots of guys would kill for the chance to have two pretty girls spending so much time with them."  Misato reached out and ruffled her hair.

    "Help!"
***************

    "Good news, Gen-chan!"

    "Yes, Yui?" <Please, get it over with and go shopping or something so I can go back to sleep.>

    "Shinji got splashed with Jusenkyo water!  Now he turns into a girl, just like Nodoka-sensei's son!  He'll be able to get twice as many pretty girls this way."

    <Poor kid.  Using the instant stuff was bad enough.>  "How'd it happen?"

    "He didn't really want to tell me, but I think he did it to make Asuka-chan happy.  Isn't it sweet of him?"

    <My son really is whipped, isn't he?>

    "And he says they're spending lots of time with Misato-chan!  I'm sure they'll be engaged in a few months."

    "Yes, dear." <Just as badly as I am.>
****************

    <I really shouldn't have had that last champagne cocktail,> Shinji thought as she walked home between Asuka and Misato.  They'd gone out dancing, and Misato had insisted on a few drinks over the course of the evening.  She and Asuka were fine, naturally, but with her lower body mass and relative inexperience Shinji was just a little bit wobbly.  She wasn't used to the feeling, and she didn't much like it.

    "Such a pretty night," Asuka was saying.  "Just look at the stars."

    "Yeah," Misato replied.

    "There's a long tradition that says looking at the stars is a wonderful excuse."

    "You're right," Misato said.  "So, which one of you should I kiss first?"

    "Misato-san?"

    "Don't be silly, Shin-chan.  Isn't it obvious that I've wanted you both for a long time?"

    "What?"

    Asuka sighed.  "Think, Shinji.  She wanders around half-undressed, she leaves the door open when she's taking her shower, and she encourages us to drink.  Are those the actions of a guardian, or something else?"

    "I always thought she was just free-spirited."

    "Subtext, Shinji, look for the subtext."

    "She's right, Shin-chan."

    "Besides, the only other choice for the obligatory threesome is your sister."

    "Unless you'd like to try Aida-ku... mmmmmmphhhhh.  Shin-chan, did Asuka-chan teach you how to kiss like that?"

    "Want to find out, liebchen?"

    "Oh, yes."
********************

    Well, that was interesting.  My sincere apologies to Ayanami Rei, who of course belongs with Asuka and Shinji, for shortchanging her in this piece for the sake of a few silly jokes.  I also apologise to the Jusenkyo-afflicted community, and to all those who dislike silly end notes:-)


Andrew Carey -- ap_carey3@hotmail.com
"Mirie it is, while sumer ilast,
With fugheles song..."

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