At 01:39 PM 6/4/00 EDT, LunaHNeko@aol.com wrote:
"Gourry, I've told you a hundred times what our room number on this ship
is! I'm not about to tell you a hundred and first!" she declared, her arms
Doesn't sound quite right.
Try: "I'm not going to tell you for the hundred and first!"
"Zephilia? Aren't we going to Mipross Island?" He could almost see the
strings keeping her mind intact go *twang* as they suddenly pulled taut.
"MIPROSS ISLAND?! Gourry, I told you to tell them I wanted to go visit
my homeland!" Lina yelled.
"I did!" Gourry protested. "I told them 'I want to visit my homeland,'
"...them, 'I..."
like you told me to, and they asked 'Where were you born, son?' so I answered
"...they asked, 'Where...answered,"
'Mipross Island.'"
Ka-CHING ^_^
"You never asked," Gourry said, not falling for her trap. "What about
you? What were you saying before, about being on Mipross Island with some
Naga person?"
"Never mind, it doesn't matter." The Gabriev family probably had
Too many spaces between the sentences.
fact Mipross also had its own odd way of distorting Magick energy--another
characteristic of the Island Lina disliked. "Hey, Zelgadis, I thought you
Don't capitalize "island" in this case.
Zelgadis nodded briskly at Gourry, but did not agree nor disagree to
Gourry's suggestion. Lina knew better than to speak up--when Zelgadis
decided on something, he carried it out no questions asked, but you could
never push Zel into deciding anything before he considered all options. The
Chimera turned his blue eyes towards the sea as Lina had before, staring at
the rosy sunset that reflected trails of crimson flames on the deep blue
waters. The three travelers
were lost in thought until Lina's stomach startled them with a fierce growl.
Fix the line-wrap after "travelers".
<Good>, he thought, <now maybe I can finally get Gourry to shut up about
looking for the room, and Lina and I can discuss the travel plans for Mipross
and possibly Zephilia.> It was odd how they always ended up meeting during
their journeys almost by chance, as if Destiny were guiding them. Destiny...
Zelgadis hated that word. It was a word symbolizing nothing, no paths to
Delete the space at the start of the line.
disappear into Lina's mouth, he swore he'd scream. Luckily, it never came to
that--Lina
brought the food to the room Gourry had rented when he had purchased the
Fix the line-wrap.
looking at her, but she didn't want to finish her sentence. To cover up for
it, she opened
up the package of food and began to eat it, pretending that it was what she
Line-wrap again.
zombie... The putrid stench of zombie flesh all over her gloves, and how the
souls had cried out to her, how they had pulled at her heart, yearning for
retribution, and how
she alone had put them at rest. Well, not quite alone. Rowdy had helped (or
Line-wrap.
It felt odd, in a way, since she'd never really thought about Mipross
Island since she left it. It had seemed like a happy place when she'd left
it behind. Left it behind for *good*, she'd assumed. She couldn't explain
why the memories which she had buried deep inside her now surfaced, and why
they seemed so much more terrible than they actually were. Reason and Logic
refused to aid her-instead, only Fear of the Unknown was present in her mind.
Double hyphen after "her".
sleeping. Lina, her mind a little calmed after her initial fright, even
briefly wondered if he
kept it with him in the bed and between the sheets while he slept. "Perhaps
Line-wrap.
"It's probably changed over time, and I don't know anyone or even heard
of anyone else who owns a Light Sword(1)," Gourry said. "I don't even know
[SNIP]
(1) Tenchi Masaki, Ryoko, and Luke Skywalker. Can you think of any more?
Isami Hanaoka (Tobe! Isami; ).
Overall, a good first chapter--makes me want to see the next one.
Johann Chua -- HP: http://www.geocities.com/fuuma_1999/
CLAMP Fan Fiction: http://members.xoom.com/fuuma_monou/clampfix5.0/
"Many strange things are done in the name of love. People drink poison,
hurl themselves off tall buildings, get expensive implants and commit
murder, among other acts. These may strike the casual observer as insane,
but to the person in love, they make perfect sense." --Jessica Zafra