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Date: Fri, 02 Jun 2000 19:59:02 -0700
From: The Legendary Redhawke <redhawke@home.com>
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Subject: [FanFic][Sailor Moon][PG] Emerald Eyes - Chapter 2 - by The Legendary
Redhawke
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To everyone who has been waiting for this chapter, I apologize. It
was a busy week, and I didn't have the time to get it done. It's
here now though, and isn't that what matters. I have to thank
Scutter for believing in me, and this fic, and of course, Bethany,
my true love, for just being there no matter what, and believing in
me, and caring about me, and loving me every step.
Sailor Moon and her likeness are copyright yadda yadda yadda yadda
yadda, you've heard it all before.
Emerald Eyes - Chapter 2
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by The Legendary Redhawke
Journal Entry - February 8, 1999
Happiness...
All my life I've wondered if the word ever had a true meaning. I've
had momentary joy, and little bits of ecstasy, coupled with thoughts
of constant depression, yet somehow, it seems like the word has
slowly but surely crept into my regular vocabulary. After a mere
three weeks, a brand new world seems to have opened up to me, and I
can't help but rush into its open arms with a smile on my face.
It's weird how a sinlge event, and one single person can make me feel
that way. It's not like we're married, or even completely committed
to each other at this point, but no matter what, I'm always going to
have that odd sense of feeble security when I'm with him. It's as
if...as if my eyes have been opened to something, a something that has
always been far out of my reach.
He lifted me up, and helped me to reach it....
Everytime he picks me up, when we go to the movies, or dinner, or
whatever, he always gives me this sweet little smile, like I was
giving him the greatest gift he could ever ask for, and that he would
get down on his knees in a second to thank me for it.
It seems a little weird how much he seems to value me. He probably
just cares terribly deeply for me, as if it would kill him to lose me.
I think it's sweet in a way. He's so perfect, and he could have had
any woman on earth, but he chose me. Faced with the choice of any
woman alive, he picked me.
I said it, he's perfect.....
I've never said it aloud, but I wrote it here. I guess it must be
true, because this diary has held all my most secret thoughts, and
not a one of them has ever proven to be untrue. Someday, I hope I
won't need this thing, that I'll be able to speak the truth to those
closest to me. As is though, I need this ratty old book. It holds
so much of me within its frayed leather covers.
To think, paper is holding my emotions, and not my lover's heart....
I don't ever seem to deserve him, but I have him. It's like...
something's not right, and I want it to be right when I sit here and
write this, but everytime I'm with him, when I can actually do
something about it, I couldn't care less that there is anything
wrong.
Do I love him?
It seems like that's the only reason I could ever seem so selfish,
wanting to keep him from the rest of the world, but I'm not sure if
that's what it is. Maybe it's just me getting back at everyone for
never wanting me, or for just being my friend.
My friends are more than I could ask for in friends, but I've always
needed someone to be with, someone to want to be with me, not just
someone who thinks of it as a chore, or like they'll be getting that
"something" out of it in the end. Those ones always got tossed away
in a second. It's so despicable that....
I've been a virgin, and I've always sworn to wait until I got
married, but I'm not so sure anymore if I should wait that long. I
feel like I should give him everything that I can, like Richard is so
great to me, that he deserves everything that I can manage to give
him.
He's just some guy, at least that's what everyone says, but to me,
he's some mythological figure standing before me in all his epic glory,
and of all the people who would honor and respect his valiant aura,
I'm the one he would stick his neck out for. I'm the one he would run
a million miles and climb a amillion mountains for. I'm the one...
I'm the one....I'm the one?
How can I be the one?! I'm just a seventeen year old girl, with no
parents, no family, and to top it all off, I've got this massive secret
life that he can't even know about. I feel like I'm lying to him,
everyday. Every moment I'm with him, I'm deceiving him.
It's like I have to though. He would never even want to speak to me if
he knew. Nobody would. I'm ugly, violent, and definitely not
sociable.
It's a miracle that anyone wants me at all! He does though. Despite
everything I'm not, and everything he is, he wants me. Why the hell
would he ever want me?!
I hate having to think like this. I wish that I could just say to
myself that the reasons don't matter at all, and that I can just enjoy
everything that's happening. I want to shut out the background, and
the future and the past, and just live on the surface, as everything
happens. I don't want to have to analyze and scrutinize every little
event in my life. I'm a teenager damn it! I'm supposed to be
impulsive,
and reckless, and make those million mistakes that teenagers make.
I can't though. I've had to bring myself up, and I've never had that
net to catch me when I inevitably fall. So, I just could never fall.
I couldn't be normal, or learn normally, or ever become normal at all.
I'm stuck, right here where I stand, as me, stupid, stubborn, weird me.
I don't even deserve him! But I have him.
The world is stupid and unfair, and I've been crushed under its wheels
for years and years and years. I finally have my chance at luck, my
chance at happiness, and my chance at love. I don't even know him
really, but somehow I know...
It has to be him. How could it be anyone else?
I don't know how I got here, and I don't know why, but for the first
time in my entire miserable life, I've caught a glimpse of something
brighter. I've seen the truth for once, and I don't want to let it slip
away because I had to analyze it for a second too long, or scrutinize it
a little too much. I have to take hold of my future, and keep the thing
I really want....him.
I love him.....
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I hope you liked it, because it's the first chapter that I didn't finish
within a night. Anyhow, thank you all for reading, and hopefully for
continuing to read.
The Legendary Redhawke - redhawkeanime@hotmail.com
http://i.am/redhawke - Redhawke Anime
http://www.geocities.com/redhawke4 - Redhawke FR