********
Passion Spice.  Lemon Tea Leaves.  Insanity berries.  Anger spice.
Hate extract.  Permanent powder.  A few lemon drops and some curry
powder, for seasoning.
********

<snipped alot>

        Ranma-chan was too busy eating to reply.   Then she noticed an
extra little envelope with the ramen takeout box.
        "Hey, alright, Shampoo sent me another packet of instant
Nannichuan!"

what for? really.

        Ranma-chan stepped into the bath room and stared, as a HUGE man
that she somehow knew was Akane leered at her.  He'd obviously been
waiting for her to enter, and certain parts of his anatomy stood up to
greet her.

Do you need to capitalize huge?

        *WHAM*
        Ranma-chan's ears rang and her vision blurred, and when she could
see clearly again, Akane was holding her down on the floor.
        "Akane?  Wha-"
        *SMACK*
        "Shut up and listen to me, Ranma, I'm going to show you something."
Ranma nodded, not wanting this obviously crazed Akane to hit her again.
It hurt a lot more than usual, and his grip was FAR stronger than any
Ryoga had so far shown.

Same for far.

        "Akane, I'm used to it.   You broke down a lot of barriers in my

used to being raped? O_o

mind, I remember things that make me sick to think about, but they're
things I need to deal with.  Looking back, now I realize why I made fun of
you, and it all makes sense.  after all, calling you a tomboy kept me from
thinking about the fact that I'm FAR more of a tomboy than you ever could
be."

<snip>

        "Akane, I once told my pop that I wished I was a girl.  Do you know
what he did?  He 'showed me what it's like to be a girl.'   I was just 6,
and he spent a week beating and raping me.  And HE wasn't under the influence
of some of Shampoo's potions."

Just when I think someone made up a new low for Genma, someone else lowers it even more. We all love Genma-bashing, don't we?

        Akane jumped across the table and slammed a ham-shaped fist
into Shampoo's jaw, knocking her to the floor.
        "You fucking Amazon bimbo, that shit made me rape Ranma!  I
hate you, you bit--"  He slumped as Ranma poked a spot on his back.

I know Akane is very angry et all, but I don't recall ever hearing her using vocabulary anywhere near the one she's using now.

        Then Ranma poured the water over her own head... and nothing
happened.  She looked at herself and tried again.  Nothing.
        "Dr. Tofu..."
        "I'm already checking, Ranma.  I don't know what would cause
you not to change.  Oh, I need a blood sample."
        "Sure thing, Doc, just fix whatever's wrong with my curse..."
        Both already had a sneaking suspicion that neither wanted to
believe.  A few minutes later, the doctor returned with a small plastic
object and an upset look on his face.
        "Ranma, you're pregnant."
        Ranma joined Akane in the bliss of oblivion.

WOW! ONE DAY PREGNANCY! That should go straight to the GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS! Wow!

(notice the sarcasm)

Now, really... go read a book or something about pregnancy... it's obvious you know next to nothing about it.

Don't ask me, though.

        "So, the permanent berries were potent after
all..."

Berries? In the spice list on the beginning of the fic it was stated to be a powder. There were, however, Insanity berries.

Pay attention to what you write.

        "Oh yes, and I think he'll be making an
extended trip to the zoo.  No one deserves what
he did to you, and his presence places my FAMILY
in danger.  NO ONE hurts my family."

May I have him for a moment? I kind of wanted to know how Panda fillets tasted like...

        Akane looked on in shock as Ranma nodded.
Ranma didn't seem too surprised, but this was more
real emotion than Akane had seen from her sister
in years.

Not much of an ending, is it?

Well... the final veredict is that this needs a lot of work. First of all you MUST correct the timing, along with all the changes it brings on the flow of events. After that, make sure everything is consistent. Nothing can be more annoying than an inconsistent story. Believe me, I'm going to great lengths to make sure HaT is consistent, which is one of the myriad of reasons why chapter two is delayed.

Finally, try to at least get a prereader or two. Outside opinions are vital for the story's quality. BTW, sorry, but don't look for me as a prereader. I just spent all morning taking care of the hopefully final revision of DP2 I got on the mail... ack, it's big.

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See ya later!

Rui 'Fragger' Costa
rsmcosta@shenlon.net.dhis.org
ICQ #11383615

"Martial artist + chick + going to Tendo Dojo = Another Fiancee for Ranma"
Extracted from Half a Timeline, Act One, Chapter One, v1.2 .
Sorry folks, it was removed...
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