been given a wide space of her own away from any of the
others - she knew better than to assume that was a gesture
of respect.
Punctuation here doesn't seem quite right. I'd probably use a semicolon
instead of the dash and change that to this.
Probably right. Use of semicolons rarely even occurs to me.
somber than the sly, confident vixen Ukyou had come to know
a lifetime ago, back in Nerima. <I wonder if I look different
now, too.>
Well, you still have hair, for one thing....
And eyebrows. Cologne was very thorough. You can tell
Hiroshi and Daisuke they can keep their minds out of the
gutter about that, by the way.
COLOGNE: Um... two words... first word sounds like....
"Er..." Mousse began. "What they're saying is..."
"I think I can guess," Ukyou whimpered.
COLOGNE: Sounds like "mill them?" Ah! Bill them! (switching to Japanese)
Ms. Kuonji, Mr. Hibiki, each of you will be receiving a bill in the
amount of sixty-three thousand Japanese yen for services rendered....
UKYOU: I just hope they find us Not Guil-cup...
backwards foaming at the mouth, her legs twitching in the
air.
COLOGNE: Sounds like... germinate with ice cream prejudice....
Strange way to hold a meeting, but from a storytelling perspective it
works well, I think. Gives a very visual scene and avoids the tedium of
unknown line followed by translation repeated time and again.
I struggled with this scene quite a while before finally hitting on
this weird angle. I didn't know how many people would truly find it
amusing, but it was by far the least plodding way to do this scene.
Glad it worked out all right.
"She's basically telling Ban Daidu to let it slide," Mousse
responded. "You were wrong, but Ryouga needed help no matter
if he's a man or a woman."
Ukyo: But Ban Daidu can't slide. It's got the special adhesive and....
Mousse: *WHAP*
Argh! Ooh! Puns... hurt...
"What's THAT supposed to mean?" she shot back angrily, but
she was pretty sure she understood him perfectly.
Suggest: 'sure she had understood'
Oops. Will fix.
That resolve held strong for roughly three seconds.
But it held. That's what's important.
Well, we all know that Ukyou is not the meddlesome
sort.
The lovely Amazon closed her eyes and bowed her head
slightly. Ukyou watched her intently as Shampoo composed
her thoughts, breathing evenly and deliberately through her
nose. Finally, the young Chinese warrior tilted her head
back and opened her eyes, watching the glittering stars
mingle with the tiny orange embers that swirled upwards on
heat currents from the flames from which they'd been born,
each dying slowly in the late autumn sky. Shampoo spoke in
a soft, flat voice, tinged with melancholy.
Nice bit of symbolic description here.
Thank you.
"My, my," Nabiki purred. "Aren't you two quite the pair?"
Genma flinched and began to sweat. "Ha ha ha! Er... yes,
well..."
And yet another pretty obvious hint at That Which Shall Be Revealed
Later (though I think just about everyone's got it by now)....
I learned my foreshadowing techniques from the Mighty Thor,
I'm afraid. They tend to come on a bit heavy.
"Sure," Natsume assured her. "It makes you look kind of
like... Rimururu."
Who?
Nabiki raised an eyebrow at the long-haired martial artist.
"Who does she look like?"
Natsume sighed. "Never mind my sister. She plays too many
video games."
Ah.
The author, also, plays entirely too many video games.
But how could he keep her as a friend? How could he get her
to drop this whole marriage thing without making her hate
him forever? He didn't want that, not after all they'd done,
all they'd survived. There had to be a way...
RANMA: That's it! I'll fix her up with Ryoga! It's brilliant!
RANMA: No, wait! I'll turn her into a dog! That's even better!
Ryouga leaned over towards Cologne. "Does that mean they
have to get married or something?" he whispered. The old
woman thumped him on the head with her staff as a response.
Hm. The marriage joke was funny the first couple times, but methinks
you're overusing it.
I thought that might be the case. The last iteration of it can
be easily removed... think I'll just go ahead and do that.
This whole scene seemed to go on a bit long... but plot points must be
made, I guess.
Happens that way sometimes. I actually cut out a good bit of
Ukyou angsting over whether to pursue Ranma or follow
Happosai. I was considering taking out the bit with Cologne
explaining Ukyou's responsibilities to train Amazons blah blah
blah (not absolutely necessary), but I couldn't figure out a good
link to the part about the ki-techniques, which is important.
Anyway, if it isn't too heavy, I think I'll just let it stand after
I remove the last marriage joke.
Salmon was kind of expensive and only good fresh, so they
only offered it on weekends when they could be sure it
wouldn't go to waste. Fortunately, Nabiki had made of habit
had made a habit
D'oh! Missed that one.
The girl who spoke was clad in a dark leotard emblazoned with
rose designs, her thick, wavy hair bound into a ponytail by a
red ribbon. Konatsu recognized her, mostly by reputation.
Ukyou had made no secret of her feelings about the "cackling
nutcase" who often "followed Ranchan around like a rabid dog."
KONATSU: Ukyo-sama, don't be so hard on yourself! You--
UKYO: I meant Kodachi, you moron!
UKYOU: It's the DOG thing again! Always the damned dog!
Asuza's squeals of mirth rattled the glass in the windows.
Kodachi joined in with her own radar-jamming laughter,
sending the neighborhood cats howling away in sheer
terror.
RANMA: Wow. Couldja teach me how to do that?
SHAMPOO: Ranma! You hate Shampoo that much?
"Anything interesting happen this morning?" Nabiki asked
conversationally as she tied her apron into place.
For a moment, Konatsu didn't have the slightest idea what
to say.
Try "Yes." :)
Nice scene. Even though it was original flavor, it didn't repeat the
same old stock bits like original flavor stuff typically does.
Many thanks. That's a very high compliment. Life goes on
for the rest of the cast, with Ranma away... I figured Kodachi
would find something to do with her time.
anyway. Maybe twice. But that's all. If I just go in
like Ukyou did and throw myself at the monster, all it's
going to do is get me killed."
Line wrap error.
AAARGH! I hate those.
The warrior drew up to his full height, filling his cavernous
lungs and glaring at Ranma. "You DARE speak of my master in
such a disrespectful fashion? The great Gaira will not stand
for that!"
That supposed to be a Chinese name?
Not really, no. Maybe I should throw something in about Ranma
realizing that this guy is actually Japanese.
COMING SOON: Akane reaches the Amazon village, while Ranma
continues to make his way alone through the countryside of China.
How long can he stay ahead of the Reikoku? Will his new
techniques be enough to withstand it? Meanwhile, Ukyou and
Ryouga strike out in pursuit of Happosai, on a desperate
errand to find out where the Reikoku came from, and how to
stop it.
Great stuff. Looking forward to it, as always!
I appreciate your comments, Gary. I hope the next
chapter doesn't take me so long!
Grayson Towler
http://www.rigroup.com/~grayson/relentless