Here's part five, enjoy (or not, as you please~_^)
All forms of C+C are greatly appreciated
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LA PLUS CA CHANGE...
Oh Gods, not ANOTHER Ranma Fanfiction by Dave Menard...
DISCLAIMER: Original characters and situations by Rumiko
Takahashi and others; I'm just a bored Canadian, and baby
seals are out of season...
PART FIVE
***********************
"Sachiko, PLEASE! I don't think I'm being unreasonable
here..."
"Forget it, Daddy..." Sachiko said absently as she
stirred the fish stew. "I'm sorry if it makes you mad, but I'm
not going out on a date with Kobuta. I only just met him,
after all."
"That's exactly my point!" Ranma blustered. "What better
way to get to know him, than a nice romantic dinner? Why, I
wish MY father had been as understanding as I'm being. You
don't know how lucky you have it, honey, believe you me..."
"In case you haven't noticed, _Daddy_," She said that
last with that undertone of contempt that teenagers reserve
for parents who simply have no clue, "I'm _making_ dinner."
"Er, well... Let Ranko take care of it."
"Honestly Daddy, you _know_ Ranko can't cook. She could
burn water. Besides, she has a tournament tomorrow, she's got
to train."
"Well then, let _me_ do it. I'm a fair hand in the
kitchen..."
Sachiko paused, the gears in her head spinning. Her
father _was_ a remarkably good cook. This would require
strategy...
"Daddy, please. I simply can't allow such a MANLY man as
yourself to sully himself with women's work..." she winced
inwardly at her own words, but what could she do? Daddy was a
very old-fashioned man in many ways.
"Ah, er..." Ranma was stymied. She'd used the "M" word
against which he was powerless. Unless... He turned on the
cold water tap and splashed himself. He was amazed at how all
the old tricks came back to him, just like riding a bicycle.
"Quite right, daughter," Ranma-chan said. "It's a good
thing that 'Mama-san' is here, hmm?"
Crap. Sachiko internally went through a litany of
profanities that nice girls like herself ostensibly wouldn't
know. Out of ideas. "Sigh. Fine, Daddy, I'll go on a date with
him, but I promise you, I won't enjoy it..." And neither will
he, she silently vowed.
"Great! Now you just go on upstairs and get ready, I'll
take care of everything here. Shoo! Scat!" Ranma-chan hustled
her daughter out of the kitchen. "Leave everything to Daddy."
Ryouga wandered in and leaned against the doorframe, a
wry smile on his lips. "You really have _no_ dignity, do you,
Ranma..."
Ranma-chan scowled. "Don't be any dumber than you have to
be, Ryouga. This is for the union of the schools!"
"Uh huh..." Ryouga smirked. "You sure it's not because
you actually enjoy using your curse again after all these
years?"
"Says the man whose wife married him BECAUSE of his
curse..."
"HEY! Leave Akari out of this!"
"Make me!"
Ryouga growled, cracking his knuckles. "That's it! I'm
not here three hours and already you're starting in on me?
You're gonna get it, once and for all!"
"Aww, the tub of lard's gonna teach me a lesson, is he?
C'mon fat man, let's go!" Ranma slid into a stance familiar
through long practice.
"RAN-MAAAAAA..." Ryouga's round face turned purple. Ranma
barely restrained herself from jumping for joy. It had been
far too long. C'mon, P-chan, say it, say it!
"...PREPARE TO DIE!!!!!"
Yes!!!
************************
"OhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodI'mSORR-EEEEEEE!!!!!"
Kobuta wailed. He'd hit a girl! Not only hit her, he'd laid
her out flat! He was a woman beater, the lowest scum on earth!
He couched down next to the supine form of the cute Amazon
girl, shaking her roughly by the shoulders. "Wake up! Wake up!
Oh God I've killed her! WAKE UP!!!!!!" His rattling became
even more frantic as the girl remained insensate. Oddly
enough, her aunt seemed content to stand back and watch. "For
God's sake, lady, get a doctor! Call an ambulance!!!"
Ti-Pi slowly regained consciousness, puzzled at why the
world was shaking around her. Her head whipped back and forth
so quickly, she thought she might get whiplash. "Uhhh...
Anyone get number of hovertank that hit Ti-Pi..?"
Kobuta cried out joyfully. "You're okay! Oh, thank God!
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit you! You just sort of walked
into it! Thank God you're okay!" The frantic boy hugged her
close, laughing with joy.
Ti-Pi felt her spine start to bend uncomfortably. "Is
okay, please, is okay!" She yelped as he squeezed harder. "Uh,
help? Auntie? Help? HE-EEELLLLLPPP!"
Kobuta was started out of his fugue by the cry. Realizing
what he was doing, he released the girl and lept back, hands
up in warding gestures. "I'm sorry! I was just so happy you're
all right! I wasn't trying to cop a feel or anything,
honest!!"
Wobbling slightly, Ti-Pi found her feet and staggered
toward the freaked-out boy. Tentatively, she reached out and
touched his face, glancing over at her aunt for approval.
Shampoo smiled beatifically and nodded. Ti-Pi returned her
gaze to Kobuta, meeting his startled gaze with a sultry look
she'd practiced long and hard in the mirror for just such an
occasion. Leaning forward, she kissed him gently on the lips.
"Wo Ai Ni. Wode Airen..." Her voiced trailed off as
Kobuta's eyes rolled up into his head and he fainted, blood
fountaining from his nose as he fell. She looked down at the
heap that was her newfound husband, then over at her aunt.
Tears welled up in her eyes.
"Auntie, TI-Pi broke him!!!! Waaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!"
************************
Despite herself, Sachiko found herself getting excited
about her date, although perhaps not for the reasons her
father might have hoped.
"Heheheheheh...." Sachiko chuckled sinisterly as she
selected her wardrobe, a battle aura flaring to life around
her. "Kobuta Hibiki, tonight, I lead you into dating HELL!!!"
Ranko knocked once and let herself in. "Sacchi, you're
laughing maniacally again. You know how much that creeps me
out..."
Sachiko blushed. "Sorry, 'niichan. Just planning the
total destruction of the pig-boy."
"Ahh, I see." Ranko nodded sagely. "Still determined to
follow through on your plan, then?"
"You betcha!" Sachiko said fiercely. "Daddy wants me to
go out on a date with him, fine. But I'll be damned if he'll
enjoy himself, the jerk! I'm gonna make him take me out to the
nicest restaurant in town, then I'm gonna order the most
expensive thing on the menu, then I'm gonna have it sent back
three times until I'm happy, and _then_ I'm not even going to
_eat_ it, I'll just pick at it for a while!!!"
"Evil." Ranko observed.
"Heh! I'm just getting started!" Sachiko cackled nastily.
"I'm gonna wear The Dress!" She whirled, producing an article
of clothing that bore more resemblance to a scarf than a
dress. The easiest way to describe it would be to say it was
very, VERY red, and barely there.
Ranko gasped. "Not THE dress?!" The Dress had originally
been Ranko's; she'd used it to utterly destroy a few boys in
her own time. The power of The Dress to reduce even the
strongest man to putty was not to be scoffed at.
"You betcha! Using its evil power, I will proceed to
torment him unmercifully, and then give him the cold shoulder
at every opportunity! BWAH-HA-HA-HAA!!!"
"Damn, that's cold." Ranko winced. "I didn't know you had
it in you..."
"NO risk is too great, no plan too evil, to protect my
freedom, Ranko! I-" A crash and a yelp from downstairs
distracted her. "What's going on down there, anyway?"
"Aw, it's nothin'." Ranko waved her hand dismissively.
"Just Pop an' Mr. Hibiki blowin' off some steam."
"Huh. It sounds like..." The sound of property being
destroyed echoed up the stairs. "Ranko, tell me they're
fighting in the dojo. PLEASE tell me they're fighting in the
dojo..."
"No such luck, Sacchi."
"MY KITCHEN!!!" Sachiko yelped, dashing out the door.
************************
Kobuta sneezed loudly. "Damn, must've picked something up
from the harbour water..." Ti-Pi glomped onto him firmly and
began to snuggle up.
"Kobuta-Airen catching cold? Ti-Pi will make it all
better..."
Kobuta blushed furiously. "Hey now, I, uh..." He gently
tried to extricate himself, to no avail. He turned to Shampoo,
a pleading look in his eyes. "Ma'am, can you, umm... What
exactly does 'airen' mean, anyway?"
Shampoo smiled pleasantly. "It means 'beloved spouse'."
Kobuta's eyes bugged out. "NANI?! Now, w-wait a moment
here... Why does she think I'm her husband? Did I hit her too
hard?!!"
Ti-Pi looked up at him adoringly. "When Airen defeat Ti-
Pi, he prove that he love her! Now we be together for ever!"
The boy blinked. "Huh? What kind of screwy logic is that?
I only just met you!"
Ti-Pi looked surprised, released Kobuta and began to pat
herself down as though she was looking for something.
Momentarily, she produced an improbably thick book from her
cleavage and began to flip through it. Finding the page she
was looking for, she held it out to Kobuta, who scanned it
quickly.
"Hmm... I see... Uh huh... Ah, _that_ explains it,
yes..."
Ti-Pi giggled happily. "Airen understand now?"
Kobuta nodded. "Not a damn word. I can't read Chinese."
Ti-Pi picked herself up off the pavement. "WHY AIREN NOT
SAY SO?! YEESH!" she flipped the page. "Is in Japanese on next
page."
"Ahh." Kobuta scratched the back of his read as he
perused the book. "Amazon challenge law, revised 2010... Let's
see, oh, here we go. 'In the event an Amazon woman is defeated
by an outsider, she has two options. The Kiss of Death...'"
Kobuta swallowed hard. "'...or the Kiss of Marriage.'" He
swallowed harder. "'Should the Amazon choose to deliver the
Kiss of Death, she must pursue her challenger to the ends of
the earth until either the Amazon or her challenger is dead.
If she chooses the Kiss of Marriage, she becomes the bride of
the challenger.' Oh, _I_ see." Kobuta laughed. "So I'm your
husband now, am I? Well, that's better than death, I suppose,
I..." He blinked, and shook himself. "WHAT AM I SAYING?! I
CAN'T MARRY YOU! I'M ENGAGED!!!"
Shampoo smacked herself on the forehead. Oh Goddess, not
again! Luckily, being the Matriarch had it's perks. She'd had
the rules re-written so that no Amazon would have to suffer
through what she had all those years ago. "Don't worry,
Nephew. Amazon law makes a provision for just such an
occasion. So long as Ti-Pi agrees to share you with your
fiancee as a co-wife, there's no problem!" She smiled
pleasantly at her new in-law.
Kobuta blinked. "Share..?" Hentai images danced through
his head as he contemplated it. "Wow. That'd be..." He shook
himself. "Naw, that's not right!"
Ti-Pi smiled pleasantly. "Well, then is one other way.
Ti-Pi just get rid of fiancee, and Kobuta-Airen all hers!"
Kobuta blanched. "Er, nonononononononono! No killing!
That would be bad. "Um, can I talk this over with my Dad?"
Shampoo smiled pleasantly. "Of course! Ti-Pi should meet
her new family as soon as possible. Lead the way, nephew."
Kobuta let out the breath he'd been holding and nodded.
Dad would know what to do...
He led the two Amazons back to the Tendo dojo, still
desperately trying to dislodge the extremely kawaii growth
he'd developed on his arm, making polite small talk all the
while. Eventually, though, he noticed that Shampoo was
beginning to look antsy.
"Nephew... Are you sure we're going the right way? You
are, after all, a Hibiki..."
"Oh, that's right, you know my Dad, huh? No, once I've
been someplace, I can always find my way back there. According
to Mom, she an' Dad paid through the snout for er,
whatchamacallit, 'in-utero gene therapy'? It's all pretty
standard now, but back then it wasn't cheap, no sir. Mom 'n
Dad took out a second mortgage on the farm just so they could
afford it... Anyways, I never get lost. Usually, I guide my
Dad around, but sometimes he wanders off anyway. Hope he's
still where I left him..."
"So then..." Shampoo began to recognize the neighbourhood
as alarm bells began to go off. She continued on with a note
of false innocence, "Your fiancee... What's her name?"
"Sachiko Tendo."
Ti-Pi blinked in surprise as her revered auntie, who was
usually so cool, calm and collected, broke into a tirade of
Chinese invective that turned the air blue. Kobuta turned,
shocked, to Ti-Pi.
"Was it something I said?"
**********************
At the Kuno mansion, Kin lay on her bed in full plotting
mode, absently twirling a stylus through her fingers. How to
solve the Burakuro problem...
She had to do something about this tonight. His very
presence disturbed her equilibrium sufficiently that she knew
she'd be performing far below her capabilities in the
Tournament tomorrow. If she wanted to place decently, she had
to balance the books somehow...
"Computer, open file header 'Operation Weedkiller'"
The electronic voice of her top-of-the-line StandardSoft
Datalink terminal chimed in cheerily. "<That file is under
password protection. Please state password for verification
and voiceprint analysis.>"
Kin sighed. "A fool and his money are soon parted."
"<Password and voiceprint confirmed. Opening file.>"
The miniature holoprojector she'd had installed sparked
to life, displaying a file directory panel. Kin reached out
with a delicately tapered finger at touched a folder icon
marked "L. Gosunkugi". At that touch, the folder sprung open
and displayed a picture of a delicately pretty girl with long
tumbledown curls of midnight black hair, kohl eyeliner laid on
thick around her crystal blue eyes. Statistics and personal
data scrolled downward from the image.
"Computer..." Kin said pensively. "Display 'N' factor
rating for subject Lina Gosunkugi."
A window sprang open on the screen. Inside, it read:
"Nuisance Factor 9.5 out of 10. Highest rating to date."
"Excellent." Kin chuckled menacingly. "Computer, activate
vidphone, dial subject's private line."
The computer hopped to, opening a vidwindow. It made
burbling and clicking sounds, and a face appeared at the
window.
"Moshi-moshi, Lina here, what can I... Oh. It's YOU."
Lina scowled.
"Tsk, tsk my dear girl." Kin said with a feline grin.
"I'm here to do you a favour..."
"Uh huh. Right." By the sounds of things, Lina didn't
believe a word of it. "And how much is this gonna cost me,
Kin?"
"Oh, woe! What have I done to merit such slings and
arrows? I am but a poor merchant, trying to get by..."
"Right. Pull the other one, Kin."
"I have news... of _him_..."
Lina's eyes grew wide. "He's back?! REALLY?!"
Kin nodded. "Your beloved Bura-sama awaits your sweet
presence in his chambers. I pray thee, get thee hence, ere he
wastes away pining for your sweet touch!"
"Thanks, Kin, I owe you one." Lina smiled warmly. Kin
merely shook her head.
"Nay, sweet Lina, it is I who must give thanks to you. To
see my beloved cousin in such bliss is payment enough!"
Lina nodded, still smiling, and hung up. Kin lay back,
cocked an ear, and waited for the festivities to begin.
**********************
Burakuro was in his room, his attention fully focused on
his meditations. Well, maybe meditation isn't the right word
to use, but the proper term also starts with "m" and ends with
"tion", and also tends to be done in private, so why quibble?
At any rate, he was moments away from achieving Satori
when Lina appeared overhead in a flash of light.
"Oh, Bura-sama..." She purred, hovering in mid air.
Burakuro looked up, blanching, weapon still in hand.
"Crap..."
Lina got a good look at how her Bura-sama was passing the
time. Her eyes went wide with surprise and delight.
"Oh, Bura-sama... Is that for _me_...?"
Back in her room, Kin smiled as the screams of terror
started. That should keep him out of her hair for a while.
*********************
END OF CHAPTER:
NEXT TIME: Shampoo and Ranma, reunited at last! Ti-Pi meets
her co-wife, Ranko tries to get some sleep and the awful power
of The Dress is unleashed against an unsuspecting Kobuta in an
episode I had to call (well, I didn't HAVE to, but I felt like
it,) "Still Crazy After All These Years!"
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: Thanks to everyone who wrote with words of
encouragement; I expect that this part of the series will run
another two chapters tops, taking us to the end of the All-
Japan Queen of Fighters Tourney, after which I'll be taking a
break to continue some of my other series. If you'd like to
see more stories after that with the next-gen characters, let
me know!