This was a really good read, and I don't have much to criticize, so this
will be mostly quips. :)
Grayson Towler <grayson@rigroup.net> wrote:
Ukyou was shown to her place by a kindly-faced older woman,
which was a relief after the day of naked contempt and
hostility she'd endured from the Amazons. This evening's
HIROSHI AND DAISUKE: What's wrong with that?
UKYO: He didn't mean it literally, idiots.
According to tradition, the council sessions took place
outdoors around an open fire. The women of the village who
had been chosen to speak arranged themselves on the warm sand
in a semicircle around the simple wooden stool upon which the
Matriarch would be seated when she arrived. Ukyou sat on a
blanket in the second perimeter, compromised of a larger ring
of onlookers who were there to observe but not speak. She'd
been given a wide space of her own away from any of the
others - she knew better than to assume that was a gesture
of respect.
Punctuation here doesn't seem quite right. I'd probably use a semicolon
instead of the dash and change that to this.
The okonomiyaki chef sighed and tried to get comfortable.
She didn't think that she'd get much out of this whole affair -
it seemed highly unlikely that the Amazons would hold their
council in Japanese for her benefit. Assuredly, they would
tell her the verdict when it was over.
AMAZON 1: Auslaender Schweinen mussen gestorben sein!
AMAZON 2: Senora, donde esta el excusado?
AMAZON 3: Pardon, Madamoselle?
AMAZON 4: Huh?
She watched Mousse's glance shift to the left as they settled
Ryouga onto the blanket. Ukyou followed his gaze, and wasn't
surprised to see Shampoo taking a seat not far away in the
ring of spectators. The slender girl flashed a look their
way, but not a long one. She seemed far more grave and
somber than the sly, confident vixen Ukyou had come to know
a lifetime ago, back in Nerima. <I wonder if I look different
now, too.>
Well, you still have hair, for one thing....
Ryouga blanched. "You're not engaged to anyone now, are
you?"
"No, nothing like that."
He thought about that for a couple seconds. "Am I?"
Ukyou grinned. "I don't think so. I'll explain later."
UKYO: Not any females, if that's what you mean. *ahem* So... lunch?
The women of the Amazon council leaped to their feet as one,
voices raised in a cacophony of indignant shrieks and
bellows. Ukyou's eyes bulged in surprise as she watched the
frantic gesticulations of the council members - one grabbed
her own throat and made gagging noises, another pantomimed
holding an invisible foe and throwing a flurry of punches to
her face, and yet another jumped up and down pounding the
sands and screeching like an angry chimpanzee. Two Amazons
produced a suspiciously familiar-looking straw doll with
long black hair tied in a white bow, and proceeded to kick
the stuffing out of it.
COLOGNE: Um... two words... first word sounds like....
"Er..." Mousse began. "What they're saying is..."
"I think I can guess," Ukyou whimpered.
COLOGNE: Sounds like "mill them?" Ah! Bill them! (switching to Japanese)
Ms. Kuonji, Mr. Hibiki, each of you will be receiving a bill in the
amount of sixty-three thousand Japanese yen for services rendered....
The healer slowly rose to her feet, meticulously straightening
her robes and brushing the stray grains of sand off the
bright fabric. She stood straight, flashing a brief,
vitriolic glare towards Ukyou, and took a deep breath.
Then, she grabbed her hair with both hands, yanking and
pulling in a frenzy as she rolled her eyes and made a bizarre
gurgling noise. Ban Daidu tossed her head and spun around
in a circle, faster and faster until she toppled over
backwards foaming at the mouth, her legs twitching in the
air.
COLOGNE: Sounds like... germinate with ice cream prejudice....
Strange way to hold a meeting, but from a storytelling perspective it
works well, I think. Gives a very visual scene and avoids the tedium of
unknown line followed by translation repeated time and again.
Ban Daidu picked herself up off the sand, fixed her clothing
once more, and settled back into her place. Cologne waited
patiently for the healer to return to her seat, then began
to address the council once more.
"What's she saying?" Ukyou asked.
"She's basically telling Ban Daidu to let it slide," Mousse
responded. "You were wrong, but Ryouga needed help no matter
if he's a man or a woman."
Ukyo: But Ban Daidu can't slide. It's got the special adhesive and....
Mousse: *WHAP*
"What's THAT supposed to mean?" she shot back angrily, but
she was pretty sure she understood him perfectly.
Suggest: 'sure she had understood'
"She's about to ask them what they wish to do about you,"
Mousse informed her. Ukyou's muscles tensed as she strained
forward. "She asks if they wish to decide on a punishment
for your transgressions..."
The old woman paused in her oration, surveying the expectant
council as they twitched in anticipation. The hint of a
mischievous smile played across Cologne's withered features.
"Or," Mousse translated, "they can choose to help you in your
mission to find and punish Happosai."
The Amazons literally rocked back upon hearing Cologne's
words, all eyes widening in shock. The old matriarch sat
quietly on her stool, nonchalantly examining her
fingernails.
AMAZONS: BOTH!!! BOTH!!!!
"Yeah?" Ukyou said. She was really a lot more curious about
what had happened to Shampoo than what the council women were
saying, now that opinions had turned in their favor. But it
was her impression that it was something very important and
embarrassing, so she decided to restrain herself from
questioning her rival.
That resolve held strong for roughly three seconds.
But it held. That's what's important.
The lovely Amazon closed her eyes and bowed her head
slightly. Ukyou watched her intently as Shampoo composed
her thoughts, breathing evenly and deliberately through her
nose. Finally, the young Chinese warrior tilted her head
back and opened her eyes, watching the glittering stars
mingle with the tiny orange embers that swirled upwards on
heat currents from the flames from which they'd been born,
each dying slowly in the late autumn sky. Shampoo spoke in
a soft, flat voice, tinged with melancholy.
Nice bit of symbolic description here.
"Hey!" Kurumi exclaimed. "Why didn't I think of it before?"
She reached down and snatched a white handkerchief from the
scattered piles of clothing strewn across the bed. The young
girl wrapped the cloth around her head and then hopped up on
Genma's broad shoulder. "See? We match!"
"Hmm," Natsume hummed, considering.
"My, my," Nabiki purred. "Aren't you two quite the pair?"
Genma flinched and began to sweat. "Ha ha ha! Er... yes,
well..."
And yet another pretty obvious hint at That Which Shall Be Revealed
Later (though I think just about everyone's got it by now)....
Nabiki turned to see what she'd done. The plain white
handkerchief around Kurumi's head was gone, replaced with
a bright red-and-orange patterned silk scarf. She regarded
the small girl thoughtfully. "I think that one isn't so
bad," she said.
"Really?" Kurumi asked, a little doubtful.
"Sure," Natsume assured her. "It makes you look kind of
like... Rimururu."
Who?
Nabiki raised an eyebrow at the long-haired martial artist.
"Who does she look like?"
Natsume sighed. "Never mind my sister. She plays too many
video games."
Ah.
Now, though, it was much harder. Ukyou went to the wall
for him by coming here and taking on the Reikoku. She'd
pushed herself like a champion in their training and their
travels - far from being a burden on the group, as he'd
feared, she'd done much more than just pull her own weight.
She'd shown him that she had more courage and strength than
he'd ever given her credit for. Ranma was still young, and
he still found people to be pretty confusing most of the
time, but even he knew that friends like Ukyou don't come
along very often in a person's life.
But how could he keep her as a friend? How could he get her
to drop this whole marriage thing without making her hate
him forever? He didn't want that, not after all they'd done,
all they'd survived. There had to be a way...
RANMA: That's it! I'll fix her up with Ryoga! It's brilliant!
"Yeah," Ukyou admitted. "What else were we supposed to do?
With that thing following us around..."
"Oh, I know, I know," Cologne assured her. "Still... I
wouldn't have thought you'd be able to master that
technique. You young people are full of surprises."
"Th... thanks, I guess," the long-haired girl stammered.
"So you're not mad or anything?"
"No," the Amazon matriarch answered. "But have you been
told about the consequences of learning one of our
techniques?"
"The consequences?"
The old woman turned to Ryouga. "Well, boy? Did you inform
her of her responsibilities, now that she has trained in the
elite arts of Amazon combat?"
Ryouga scratched his head a little while and thought. "Er...
does this mean she has to marry someone?"
COLOGNE: Yes. Get into your tux.
Ban Daidu held her right hand to her lips and gently kissed
her own fingers. She reached out to Ukyou and pressed her
fingertips against the Japanese girl's forehead. "You are
welcome at my hearth in better times," she said.
Ukyou bit her lip a little bit and smiled. "I hope I can
take you up on that," she said.
Ryouga leaned over towards Cologne. "Does that mean they
have to get married or something?" he whispered. The old
woman thumped him on the head with her staff as a response.
Hm. The marriage joke was funny the first couple times, but methinks
you're overusing it.
This whole scene seemed to go on a bit long... but plot points must be
made, I guess.
Salmon was kind of expensive and only good fresh, so they
only offered it on weekends when they could be sure it
wouldn't go to waste. Fortunately, Nabiki had made of habit
had made a habit
The girl who spoke was clad in a dark leotard emblazoned with
rose designs, her thick, wavy hair bound into a ponytail by a
red ribbon. Konatsu recognized her, mostly by reputation.
Ukyou had made no secret of her feelings about the "cackling
nutcase" who often "followed Ranchan around like a rabid dog."
KONATSU: Ukyo-sama, don't be so hard on yourself! You--
UKYO: I meant Kodachi, you moron!
Asuza planted her hands on her hips and tossed her head
proudly. "You there, peasant girl! I demand that you render
that spatula as a gift to me, your rightful superior!
TEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE!"
Heh heh heh.
Asuza's squeals of mirth rattled the glass in the windows.
Kodachi joined in with her own radar-jamming laughter,
sending the neighborhood cats howling away in sheer
terror.
RANMA: Wow. Couldja teach me how to do that?
"Never mind that, laborer," the self-styled Black Rose
insisted. "Has the most dashing, gorgeous, handsome
gentleman in the world graced this lowly gruel-kitchen
with his majestic presence today?"
"Er... no," Konatsu answered truthfully.
Heh.
"Na... Nabiki-san!" He whirled, but it was too late. She'd
already caught the aroma, and her moment of pleasure had come
and gone. Konatsu's heart sank - how could he let himself
have missed her smile? <It's all the fault of those three
weirdoes. If I ever see them again...>
Konatsu can only love women who can treat him like dirt. :)
"Anything interesting happen this morning?" Nabiki asked
conversationally as she tied her apron into place.
For a moment, Konatsu didn't have the slightest idea what
to say.
Try "Yes." :)
Nice scene. Even though it was original flavor, it didn't repeat the
same old stock bits like original flavor stuff typically does.
"Sis, I trained so hard because I may need to fight the
Reikoku. I really believe I can beat it now... once,
anyway. Maybe twice. But that's all. If I just go in
like Ukyou did and throw myself at the monster, all it's
going to do is get me killed."
Line wrap error.
The warrior drew up to his full height, filling his cavernous
lungs and glaring at Ranma. "You DARE speak of my master in
such a disrespectful fashion? The great Gaira will not stand
for that!"
That supposed to be a Chinese name?
COMING SOON: Akane reaches the Amazon village, while Ranma
continues to make his way alone through the countryside of China.
How long can he stay ahead of the Reikoku? Will his new
techniques be enough to withstand it? Meanwhile, Ukyou and
Ryouga strike out in pursuit of Happosai, on a desperate
errand to find out where the Reikoku came from, and how to
stop it.
Great stuff. Looking forward to it, as always!
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html