Well, what can I say about this? You start with a *LONG* flashback, which
is rather, umm, boring, to be frank (the act of starting with a flashback
is boring in general, not the specific flashback, that is). It is also not
very slayers-like, and though of course I can't judge perfectly without
having the rest of the story, I rather suspect that the story would
benefit significantly if you tried to work as much as at all possible of
all this exposition into stuff that's revealed bit by bit as the story
progresses; to the characters, or just obvious to the readers.
Oh, and this paragraph
"But not before half of the Dragons are utterly destroyed," she continued,
"He shall be one of the Five Great Priests I will create. One, whom I
shall name Rezo, will hold inside him the eyes of Shaburadnigo. He shall
be the most revered of the five, but he will betray the world. One, whom I
shall name Zoltar, shall be the Priest of Darkness, and shall establish the
center of power for those humans who follow the path of the Mazoku. He
shall be forgotten, but his power will be seen in the final days. One,
whom I shall name Sailoon, shall establish the center of power for the
humans who follow the path of the Dragons. These two shall be absorbed
into the cities they create, and none shall know of their continued
existence. One shall be a human- the only mortal of the bunch. As Chaos
predicts, the strongest of those who follow the path of Life Above All- the
Priesthood which shall be known as the Knights of Ceiphied- will be the
only ones who naturally die. Others will inherit the title as the time
passes, and these priests will hold both your power and mine. The final
Priest, the Trickster Priest, shall be the servant of the Mazoku, Xelloss,
a foil to the Knight of Ceiphied. He will not be your ordinary mazoku,
however... as Chaos demands, he will be fated to preserve the lives of
those most Chaotic. He will not stand for what the Mazoku desire, but he
will be fated to obey them. He will listen when they tell him to wipe out
the Dragons, and he will nearly do it on his own... but he shall spare more
dragons than any other Mazoku would in this war. He will be given orders
which go against his nature, but none of them will be required of him after
this war. And he will be the slave of the Mazoku, forced to do their
bidding until I... He will, that is, until -I- need him. And I shall name
him... Xelloss. Through these five Priests, balance will be preserved, and
all three Great Races, the Humans, the Dragons, and even the Mazoku will
survive."
is rather, umm, long. It would look somewhat less daunting if you broke it
up at least *once*.
---
Ronny Hedin, thark@mangakai.org, http://i99ronhe.island.liu.se/
"Baka baka, minna baka." -Hoshino Ruri, Nadesico
"How embarrassing to be human." -Vonnegut