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                       "The Replacement Ranmas"
                           by Angus MacSpon
                          macspon@ihug.co.nz
          http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/fanfic/index.html

                               Part Two

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[The Tendo home.  Early morning.]

TENCHI:  School?  Do I have to?

KAJI:  Certainly.  You have to have an education if you're going to pilot
an Eva -- er, well, maybe that's not such a good example.

TENCHI:  Going to school in Tokyo.  Somehow that sounds awfully familiar.

ASUKA:  Is he still complaining?  And hey, shouldn't you two be sparring
before breakfast, or something?

KAJI:  Er ...

ASUKA:  You're just not getting into the spirit of this, Saotome-san!

TENCHI:  Actually, Akane, I thought I might spar with _your_ father.

YOSHO [appearing suddenly]:  An excellent idea, Ten--er, Ranma.  Shall
we step outside for a few minutes?

ASUKA:  But this isn't how it's supposed to ... oh, hell, why not?

[They move outside.  TENCHI and YOSHO produce bokkens, and take up ready
stances.]

NANAMI [watching]:  No, no, no.  Bare-handed.

TENCHI:  Eh?

NANAMI:  The Anything-Goes school of martial arts is primarily a
bare-handed style.  No bokkens.

TENCHI:  Err, now wait a minute --

YOSHO:  Bare-handed, eh?  [He cracks his knuckles.]  Well, I'm sure that
I can manage something in that direction ...

TENCHI [sweating]:  Now hold on there -- I -- I --

YOSHO [advancing]:  Yes-s-s-s?

TENCHI:  I -- I -- ohmygoshcomeonAkanewe'regonnabelateforschool!  [He
grabs ASUKA by the hand and sprints out.]

YOSHO:  Heh.  That boy has a lot to learn.  [He examines his sore
knuckles.]

NANAMI:  Not so hot on hand-to-hand, huh?  I must remember to adjust my
odds.  [She pulls out a tiny notebook and scribbles in it.]

YOSHO:  Hmm ... do you really need to stay in Nabiki's character _that_
much?

NANAMI:  Hey, if I'm taking her place for a while, it'd just be bad
manners not to make as much money as possible off you all while I'm
here.

YOSHO:  [Facefaults.]



[A street in Nerima.  ASUKA and TENCHI appear.  They have slowed down
considerably.  TENCHI is trying to walk on top of the fence.]

TENCHI:  Why'd it have to be bare-handed?  What's wrong with swords?  In
my series, everyone uses swords!

ASUKA:  What, everyone?

TENCHI:  Well, nearly everyone.

ASUKA:  Please ... don't go quoting Gilbert and Sullivan.  I can't
_stand_ Gilbert and Sullivan.

TENCHI:  Sorry.  Maybe I should have auditioned for Kuno instead, though.
[He scratches his head, and falls off the fence.]  Ow.  So where's this
school of yours, anyway?

ASUKA:  Don't worry.  We aren't going there just yet.

TENCHI:  Oh?  Why not?

[An old woman in a nearby garden suddenly splashes him with water.]

ASUKA:  That's why not.

[TENCHI sighs, jumps over the fence, and hides.  There is a long, awkward
pause.  Then SHAYLA comes running up, breathing heavily.]

SHAYLA:  Sorry.  [Pants]  Caught me by surprise.

ASUKA:  Keep an eye on the script, will you?  [Sighs]  Now we have to
get some hot water to change you back to Tenchi -- I mean, to Ranma -- I
mean -- you know what I mean!

SHAYLA:  Oh, why bother?  I'll just go to school like this.  After all,
_I_ can fight without a sword.

ASUKA:  Are you crazy?  If you try to fight Kuno you'll burn him to a
crisp!

SHAYLA:  And your point is?

ASUKA:  ...

SHAYLA:  Well?

ASUKA:  I'm thinking, I'm _thinking_!

SHAYLA:  Heh.  Let me at him!

ASUKA [regretfully]:  No.  If we don't stick to the script, the author
threatened to dock our pay.  Come on, let's get you changed back.

SHAYLA:  WHAT?!  Oh, come _on_!  It'd be _worth_ the pay cut!  I know
why you're doing this, you just don't want to let me do it because I
fried you a little yesterday!  Geez, how small-minded can you get --

ASUKA [smirking]:  Here we are.  Doctor Tofu's.  I'll pop in and get
some hot water.

SHAYLA:  Take your time!  [ASUKA goes inside.]  Sheesh.

[SHAYLA leans against the wall, muttering evilly to herself.  After a
minute or so, bored, she pulls out a deck of cards and starts to
practise Pettan.  Suddenly she is hit on the head by a motorcycle
helmet.]

SHAYLA:  OW!  WHAT THE HELL?!  [She looks at the figure standing before
her.]  What are you doing, you moron?  You're supposed to use a
skeleton, not a crash helmet!

KEN NAKAJIMA:  Sorry.  I ... er, well ... the whole skeleton business
just seemed kind of -- umm ...  that is ...  [He scratches the back of
his head nervously.]

ASUKA [coming back out]:  Awww, is poor Ken-chan afraid of a widdle
skeletums?

KEN:  Afraid?!  Of -- of course not!  I --

[He dashes inside and comes out carrying BETTY.  Meanwhile ASUKA
splashes SHAYLA, who changes place with TENCHI.]

KEN:  There!  You see?!  [He poses heroically with BETTY.  BETTY's head
falls off.]  Oops.  Hey, what happened to the cute red-head?

TENCHI:  Er, nothing.  She, um, had to leave.

ASUKA:  Cute?  Did you say 'cute'?  Why, you old Casanova you!  What
would Miyuki say?!

[At that moment, BELLDANDY walks past, holding a shopping basket.  KEN
watches her, transfixed.  He absent-mindedly tears his crash helmet into
little pieces.]

KEN:  Miyuki who?

ASUKA:  Oh, this is hopeless.  Come on, Ten-- Ranma.  Let's get going.

[They head off toward school.  KEN glances around to see if anybody is
watching.]

KEN [singing]:  'Am I alone, and unobserved?  I am!  Then let me own, I'm
a medical sham!'

ASUKA [off]:  And NO GILBERT AND SULLIVAN!



[Further down the street.  TENCHI and ASUKA run into sight.  As they
dash around a corner, ASUKA runs head-first into a young man walking in
the opposite direction.  He is tall, and wears Chinese costume.  He has
a heavy pack on his back, with an umbrella mounted on top.  His long
black hair is tied back in a ponytail, but he's also wearing a bandanna
around his head, making him look rather odd.]

TAMAHOME:  Excuse me, but do you know where Furinkan High is?

ASUKA [rubbing her bruised nose]:  That's in Tokyo, isn't it?  This is
Osaka.

TAMAHOME:  Oh, right.  Sorry.

[He wanders off, looking confused.]

TENCHI:  What was that all about?

ASUKA:  I'm just playing with his head.  Don't worry about it.



[The Tendo home.  YOSHO and KAJI are sitting at the shogi board, in the
middle of a game.  They stare intently at the board for some time.]

KAJI:  So what are the rules again?

YOSHO:  In this series, I don't think it matters.



[Near Furinkan High.  TENCHI and ASUKA sprint toward the school gates.]

TENCHI:  So let me get this straight.  You hate boys?

ASUKA:  Of course!  It's _men_ I want!  _Real_ men, like your father!

TENCHI [muttering]:  I think I'm gonna be sick.

ASUKA [suspiciously]:  I beg your pardon?

TENCHI:  Er, nothing.

ASUKA:  Yeah, sure.  Anyway, what was I saying?  Oh, right.  I hate
boys!  I ... HATE ...

[They enter the gates.  A huge crowd of boys are standing waiting for
them.  All of them are dressed as ANGELS.]

ASUKA:  ... buhhh ...

TENCHI:  What the --?

[The ANGELS sprint forward.  Some of them are shouting "Akane!"  Some
of them are shouting "Asuka!"  ASUKA suddenly gets a wild look in her
eyes.]

ASUKA:  Excuse me.  I'll be right back.

[She dashes away.  Moments later there is a deep, rhythmical thudding
sound, as if some giant figure is approaching.  We suddenly see a huge
crimson robot, striding toward the school.  It nears the ANGELS and
           [[ This scene has been heavily censored, ]]
           [[ due to excessive violence.            ]]
small greasy stains on the ground.  The robot stalks off again, wiping
its feet on the grass.  Shortly later, ASUKA returns.]

TENCHI:  Feeling better?

ASUKA:  Much!  Thanks!

TENCHI:  Okay.  Now, if we can just --

MYSTERIOUS VOICE [off]:  Remarkable.

[A young man approaches them.  He is smooth and charming, in a smarmy
sort of way.  He wears glasses, and very ill-fitting Kendo garb.  He
throws something to ASUKA, who catches it without thinking.  It is an
origami flower, made from folded-together banknotes.]

AOSHIMA:  Ah, Akane Tendo.  At last you're here.  I see you treated those
fools as they deserved.

ASUKA:  Uh ... I ... uh ... wait a minute!  _You're_ playing Kuno?  That's
ridiculous!

AOSHIMA:  Surely you don't think I'd let my beloved Belldandy be in this
story without me?  I persuaded the author's casting director to let me
in.



[The fanfic control room.  HIROSHI and DAISUKE are sitting, watching the
action.  HIROSHI is counting a large wad of money.]

HIROSHI:  Eight thousand ... nine thousand ... ten --

DAISUKE:  Yeah, yeah.  Give me my share, will you?

HIROSHI:  At this rate, soon I'll be able to afford a half-hour date
with Nabiki!



[Furinkan High.  TENCHI and ASUKA are still facing AOSHIMA.  In the
background, a squad of janitors are scraping something messy off the
ground.]

TENCHI:  So why were all those guys dressed as Angels?

AOSHIMA:  I think there was some kind of confusion about whether they
had to defeat Akane or Asuka.

TENCHI [glancing at the janitors]:  Confusion.  Right.

ASUKA:  They had it coming.

AOSHIMA:  Of course.  And now, Akane Tendo -- I would --

ASUKA:  Oh, please --

AOSHIMA:  -- be very much obliged if you'd help me get a date with your
sister Kasumi.

ASUKA:  [Facefaults.]

TENCHI:  Wait a minute, aren't you supposed to be quoting Shakespeare,
or something?

AOSHIMA:  Shakespeare?  That poseur?  Ha!  Never!  There is only one
true genius whose exquisite lyrical poetry is worthy of my quoting!

ASUKA:  Lyrical --?  Oh, no, wait a minute ...

AOSHIMA [singing]:  'I am the very model of a modern noble samurai --'

ASUKA:  AUGGGHHHHH!


[END OF PART TWO]


[Closing theme: "Fly Me to the Moon" sung in three-part harmony by
Yosho, Kaji and Aoshima, with every seventh note cut out and played
together as an encore at the end.]


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STARRING:

Ranma Saotome . . . . . Tenchi Masaki  ("Tenchi Muyo")
             . . . . . Shayla-Shayla  ("El-Hazard")
Akane Tendo . . . . . . Asuka Langley Soryu  ("Neon Genesis Evangelion")

CO-STARRING:

Soun Tendo  . . . . . . Yosho  ("Tenchi Muyo")
Kasumi Tendo  . . . . . Belldandy  ("Oh My Goddess!")
Nabiki Tendo  . . . . . Nanami Jinnai  ("El-Hazard")
Genma Saotome . . . . . Kaji Ryoji  ("Neon Genesis Evangelion")
             . . . . . Pen-Pen  ("Neon Genesis Evangelion")
Ryoga Hibiki  . . . . . Tamahome  ("Fushigi Yugi")
Tatewaki Kuno . . . . . Toshiyuki Aoshima  ("Oh My Goddess!")

ALSO APPEARING:

Jusenkyo Guide  . . . . Batou  ("Ghost in the Shell")
Tofu Ono  . . . . . . . Ken Nakajima  ("You're Under Arrest!")

Disclaimer: All characters are copyright and appear without permission
                of their respective copyright-holders.
      No pickles were consumed during the writing of this story.

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[EPILOGUE]

[We see EVA-02, holding a minuscule AUTHOR in one hand, and steadily
squeezing tighter and tighter.]

ASUKA:  And next chapter, NO MORE GILBERT AND SULLIVAN!  Got that?

MacSPON:  *wheeze*

[Fade out.]