In a message dated 5/24/00 5:03:35 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
katarnx2b@netzero.net writes:
SCENE: The Kitchen of the Katsuragi Residence. Misato is wearing an
apron and oven mitts along with her normal, next to nothing, houseware.
She is pulling a large baking tin of brownies out of the oven. Strewn
about the counter are the tools and ingredients she used in the
preparation of the delectable treats; a mixing bowl and a hand mixer,
already licked clean, flour, sugar, cocoa, milk, butter, a half empty
bag
of almonds, a half empty bottle of Rum, although the recipe only
called for a tablespoon, and a large zip-lock baggy that has been
completely emptied of all of its contents.
<blank look> So, what was in the zip-lock baggy? Oh, wait that was
supposed to be forshadowing, right? (:)
Misato: Mmmmm, good thing Asuka and Shin-chan are at NERV. Hate for them
to get there hands on _these_ treats.
"Their hands", not "there hands."
(Misato laughs quietly at her own joke and places the tin on the
counter to cool.)
Misato: (Notices the half full bottle of Rum. She suddenly gains
Pre-cognitive abilities and sees the bottle as empty) ...
That's...a justification I haven't heard before. Heh...
Rum: *GULP*
Rum: "This is unpleasantly like being drunk."
Misato: "What's so bad about being drunk?"
Rum: "Try it from *my* side of things, baby..."
Misato: This is a sign. I must fulfill this prophecy. It is my destiny.
First precog powers, now Misato gets religion. I'm getting nervous...
(Misato takes the soon-to-be-empty bottle of gin and makes for
her room while the brownies.)
Er...while the brownies do what?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE: Shinji is walking home from NERV headquarters alone thinking to
himself.
Shinji: (Thinking) Man, I didn't know hiccuping in LCL had such adverse
side effects. Man that got ugly fast. God I hope Ayanami's all right.
"Man, that got..." and "God, I hope..." Also, using "man" to start off
two sentences in a row doesn't work too well, IMHO.
Aside from that, this line struck me as *very* funny, for some reason. Go
ahead, trigger my imagination...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE: Katsuragi residence. Shinji has just entered through the front
door.
Shinji: Tadaima [I'm home]. Misato-san?
(Shinji meanders to his gaurdian's room and cracks the door. He
sees her passed out on her bed with a fresh empty bottle of Rum in her
arms.)
Shinji: (quietly to himself) Sin m fubar [Situation is Normal. Misato's
Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition].
"Sin m" translates as "Situation is"? I'm a bit unclear on that here,
although your general meaning is apparent.
(Shinji shuts the door to "Misato's Den", as he thinks of it,
and proceeds to the kitchen to see if there's anything to eat. When he
reaches the kitchen, he is flabbergasted when he sees the mess left for
him by the Major.)
That's Misato, all right...
Shinji: Damn. Oh well, I'll get this stuff later.
(Shinji notices the brownies in the tin.)
Shinji: Misato cooked these? Impossible! They smell good!
At this point, Big Red Lights should be going off in Shinji's head.
(An idea forms in Shinji's head.)
No, I said RED lights!
Shinji: Maybe Ayanami would like some! I'll take some to Asuka over at
Hikari's too.
I don't know what's in those brownies (though I can guess), but this simply
*guarantees* that it's some kind of behavior-altering psychotropic
narcotic....
------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE: Shinji is outside Ayanami's apartment. As always, there is
construction going on close by.
(Shinji doesn't bother to knock, although he does anounce his
presence.)
Shinji: Ayanami? I'm coming in.
(Shinji brushes past all the junk mail overflowing in the
entrance way and removes his shoes.)
How does Rei ever get in and out of her door, anyway?
Ayanami: Ikari-kun.
Shinji: Ojamashimasu [May I come in]?
Ayanami: ...
Shinji: Are you feeling any better?
Ayanami: Hai [yes]. (Thinking) He reminds me of the Commander.
Shinji: I brought you some brownies.
(Rei takes the foil rapped brownies from Shinji's hands, staring
at them strangely.)
Cue "Jaws" music....
Ayanami: Domo arigato [formal thanks]. (Thinking) Does he want something
from me?
This actually seems almost too serious for the way this fic seems to be
headed. But it *is* very IC for Rei. How many people has she ever known who
didn't have an ulterior motive for associating with her?
Shinji: Well, I've got to go. Good-bye, Ayanami-san.
Ayanami: Good-bye, Ikari-kun.
(Shinji makes for the door. A little while later the sound of
the door squealing open and grinding shut on it's hinges is heard.)
Ayanami: ...
(Rei opens one of the foil packages and takes a bite.)
Shinji must be getting used to Rei. He didn't try any gambits to keep the
conversation going -- just drop in, how are you, have a brownie, bye! I
would've expected Shinji to be a bit more awkward, but other than that, this
seems like a pretty typical Rei/Shinji conversation.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE: Shinji is outside the Horaki residence. Shinji is just outside
the doorway, while Hikari is in the doorway talking to Shinji.
Shinji: I brought some brownies.
Hikari: Thank you Ikari-kun. Come in please.
Shinji: Umm. Okay. (Thinking) Asuka won't let me hear the end of this.
Umm...the end of what? I mean, I know Asuka can turn *anything* into an
excuse to verbally abuse Shinji, but just stopping by Hikari's doesn't seem
like quite enough even to set *her* off. Unless she wants to start accusing
Shinji of having the hots for Hikari, or something...
(Shinji enters the Horaki residence and removes his shoes.)
Shinji: Which way is your kitchen?
Huh? Why?
Hikari: Go straight through the dining room. I'm going to go get Asuka
out of my room.
That's an odd way to put it. Is Asuka glued to Hikari's game deck again?
Shinji: Thank you. (Thinking) Must get away from Asuka! *MUST* get away
from Asuka.
Must run away! Must run away! It's kind of funny, but I still think you
need a bit more of a specific hook here.
(Unfortunately for Shinji, the kitchen didn't lead to the back
door.)
Ah, *that's* why he wanted to know where the kitchen was. Shinji is
thinking tactically -- good boy! Of course, if he'd really been thinking, he
would simply have given Hikari the brownies and hauled on out of there.
For that matter, if he's that desperate to get away from Asuka, why did he
come over to give her the brownies in the first place?
Shinji: (Thinking) I'm dead. I'm sooo dead. No. Worse. I'm alive. I'm
alive and Asuka's going to slowly dismember me.
Why?
(Asuka sticks her head in through the door.)
Asuka: Hey Shinji.
Shinji: AAAIIIEEEEEEEE! Don't kill me!
Asuka: What-? Baka-Shinji, what have you done this time!?!
Shinji: Um... heh heh... brownie?
Asuka: Sure.
Shinji: Where's Hikari (Thinking) Hikari will keep Asuka from quartering
me long enough to go.
Careful, Shinji -- Hikari might just help her, instead...
Asuka: She had to take a call from the teacher about something or other.
(Thinking) She can't save you Third Children.
Okay, I'll bite: Why "Children"? Shouldn't that be "Child"? I've seen a
lot of people do this, and I don't know why.
(Asuka takes a bite from her brownie)
-- 3 minutes later
Asuka: Hey Shinji, these brownies are pretty good. Where'd you get the
recipe?
Shinji: I didn't make them. Misato did.
Asuka: That's impossible.
Shinji: Why?
Asuka: Their edible.
"They're", not "Their." And isn't it strange that the only thing that
Misato can make edible is "special" brownies? Hmmm......
Shinji/Asuka: Hahahahahahaha!
Asuka/Shinji: HAHAHAHAAAAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!
Ah-HAH! Those were Nitrous Oxide brownies, weren't they!
(Hikari chooses this time to walk in.)
Hikari: What's so funny.
Need a question mark.
Shinji: Ummmm...
Askua: Uhhhh...
Shinji: (Starting to laugh again) I can't remember! HAHAHAHAHA!
Asuka: (Joining in the laughter) Neither can I! HAHAHAHAHAAAHAHA!
I've had conversations like this. Worse, it was with people who were
completely sober. Worse than *that,* it all made perfect sense at the time...
Hikari: *Blink*... *Blink* *Blink*
Shinji: (With tears in his eyes) Brownie?
Don't do it, Hikari! You'll end up...well, laughing a lot, apparently.
--2 minutes later
Shinji: You know... if there was no money, then no one would be poor!
Asuka: You know... you're right!
Brilliant! A revelation for the Ages! Marx is spinning in his grave,
screaming "Why didn't *I* think of that!"
And yes, I've had this conversation too...
Hikari: Yeah maybe you should be the Prime Minister.
Asuka: All hail Prime Minister Shinji.
(Yet more pointless laughter followed.)
I've got it! Misato mixed her antidpressants into the brownies! Yeah,
that's it...
--4 minutes later
Shinji: I wonder what happened to Ayanami?
Was that a cue, or what? (:)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE: Gendo's office.
Gendo: Rei!
Rei: WEEEEEEEEEEEE
I'll spare you the various hentai-esque images that ocurred to me right
here...
Gendo: (In an authoritative voice) Stop this at once Rei.
You *might* want a comma after "once". And why would he want her to stop?
<evil grin>
Rei: No! Wanna _SPIIIN_!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Eh?
(Rei continued to hold onto the Commander's arms as she swung
them both around in circles in the Commander's office.)
*FACEFAULT*
Okay, *now* that makes sense. You know, it's actually *nice* to see Rei
being so...normal. Well, relatively. Too bad it takes antidepressant
brownies to let her cut loose and act like a kid...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE: Horaki residence.
Asuka: Maybe she's having sex with your father!
That's probably what most of the readers thought, too.
Hikari: ASUKA!
Asuka: Yeah! I bet she's giving him head *right* *now*!
Shinji: (Holds back a laugh) *Snicker*
Shinji: (Fails miserably) HAHAHAHAA!!
Hikari: (Giggling like a school girl... oh... wait) That's not funny.
Did Hikari say "oh, wait"?
Asuka: (Wiping the tears forming in her eyes) You're right!
What? No cheap shot at Gendo, here? Darn! (:)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE: The day after. Shinji's room. Both The Third and Second Children
are under the covers. Neither appear to be wearing clothes.
Shinji: (Waking up) Mmmm...
Asuka: (Waking up) *YAWN*
Cue music from "Psycho."
(Shinji and Asuka open their eyes at the same time. Their eyes
meet.)
Shinji: ...
Asuka: ...
Shinji/Asuka: (Deep breath!) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
(They both shoot to opposite sides of the bed, panting hard.)
Yep, that was about right.
Shinji: ...
Asuka: ...
(Author's Note: Weed is better than alcohol because, although it impairs
the short term memory, it leaves the long term memory in tact. It was
also proved healthier than either tabacco or alcohol in a suppressed
World Health Organization study.)
This might work better as an author's note, at the end. But at least now
we know for certain what was in the brownies. What? It *could* have been
something else! Maybe even an Angel! Now wouldn't *that* make for a fun
plot?
Oh, and where can I get a copy?
Shinji: What happened here?
Asuka: Um... I remember brownies... then feeding goats at the zoo...
then...
Goats? No, never mind -- I don't wanna know...
Shinji: (Lifts the covers a crack and looks down at his crotch) AAAAAAA-
AAAAAAHHHH!
Asuka: (Without thinking, looks under the covers to see what caused
Shinji to scream) WHAT?! What is it?!
Bwah-hah-hah-hah!
Shinji: It's deformed!! How many times _did_ we do it?!
Unless they were doing something *really* strange, repeated sex should not
have...oh. OH. Um, never mind...
Asuka: (Counting) I count at least seventeen times. I'm not sure though.
It could be more.
Hey, Shinji! Share the wealth! Or at least the brownies...
Shinji: Good _GOD_ woman!
That doesn't seem quite...Shinji. Then again, neither does 17 times...
Asuka: Hey! You were involved too, you know!
Shinji: No I wasn't! You were just using me to sate your depraved lusts!
Asuka: You didn't tell me to stop!
(Asuka's facial expressions changes suddenly.)
Shinji: (Noticing Asuka's change of expression) What?
Run, Shinji! RUN!
Asuka: (With a sly grin) Eighteen is luckier...
In WHOSE system of numerology? She's just making that up! But -- but
*that* would mean that, that...
Shinji: (No longer thinking with his big head) I would hate to be
unlucky.
Jim Carey: Somebody STOP me!
Asuka: Wait. Damnit!
"Dammit!" in this case. Or "Damn it!"
Shinji: What?
Asuka: We have synch test in two hours!
"have *a* synch test..."
Shinji: Damn! Couldn't we get Rei to hiccup again?
What!?! And make her suffer...suffer...well, whatever it was that she
suffered, *again*? Shinji, how could be so heartless?!?
Asuka: I've got a better idea.
I'm afraid....
Shinji: What?
Asuka: We give Dr. Akagi and the Commander some brownies.
That's...well, it's better than most of Asuka's ideas.
Shinji: But Misato took the last of the brownies into her room last
night!
Asuka: She couldn't have eaten all those! She probably put them in her
liquor cabinet.
This is *Misato* we're talking about here.
Shinji: ... Why does she need a liquor cabinet when seventy percent of
the refrigerator is alcohol?
Asuka: For when she's too drunk to make it that far.
This makes a frightening amount of sense...
Shinji: What if it's locked?
Asuka: Don't worry, she doesn't lock it, otherwise she wouldn't be able
to open it when she's drunk.
So does this...
Shinji: ... How do you know that?
Asuka: Don't ask questions, just go with it!
Trust us, Shinji, you don't want to know.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE: Central Dogma. Eva cage 6. All the normal staff are there. Shinji
and Asuka enter.
Ritsuko: Right on time. If you'd just hop into the test plugs, we can
get started.
(Shinji looked around and noticed that Rei was absent.)
Before this, your narrative comments were in present tense. This is
past-tense.
Shinji: Where's Ayanami?
Ritsuko: She's currently undergoing Psychiatric evaluation.
Should "Psychiatric" be capitalized?
Shinji: Why?
Ritsuko: Last night she painted the town red.
Asuka: I know Wondergirl is a little on the hermit side, but just
because she decided to get a social life doesn't mean she's crazy.
Um, Asuka, this is *Rei* we're talking about. Although I'd be *glad* to
see her get a social life...sigh.
Ritsuko: No, you don't understand. She _literally_ painted the town red.
She hijacked a fire truck, filled it with the paint we used for Unit-02,
and painted twelve square blocks red.
Maybe make that "use" rather than "used." After all, with all the hits
Asuka takes, they have to keep repainting 02 all the time. (:)
Shinji: ...
Asuka: ...
.... (Well, what ELSE can you say to a statement like that?)
Ritsuko: If there's no other questions, please get proceed to the test
plugs.
"If there are," not "If there's".
Shinji: Sure.
Asuka: Oh, I almost forgot! Have a brownie.
Ritsuko: Thanks, but I can't -- have to watch my girlish figure.
--3 minutes later
Ritsuko: *Snicker*
Fuyutski: ???
Poor Fuyutski -- doomed to be the straight man for NGE humorfics and lemons
for ever...
Ritsuko: *Snicker* *Snicker*
Fuyutski: Is something wrong, doctor?
(Ritsuko points at the screen before breaking into hysterical
laughter and falling out her screen.)
Maya: Sempai?!
(Maya rushes over to Ritsuko's terminal and looks at the screen
to find out what could possibly affect her sempai like this.)
Maya: @_@
Fuyutski: What does it say?
Maya: It's my diary! Sempai, how *could* you!
Maya: "Rectal Monitor".
All: *_*(;)
Oy!
Fuyutski: (Into a microphone) Commander, there is a slight situation in
Cage 6.
Gendo: (Descending on a lift) What is it Fuyutski-sensei?
<blink> I've only seen the dubs. Did Gendo really call Fuyutski that in
the original Japanese script? It seems...unlike him.
And "What is it" should end with a comma.
Fuyutski: (Points towards Ritsuko rolling on the floor laughing)
Gendo: I see.
(Gendo makes his way over to the good doctor's terminal)
Gendo: *Snicker*... *Snicker* *Snicker*
Gendo *LAUGHED*? <boggle> How? His face would crack!
Maya: Commander?
Gendo: (Breaking into hysterical laughter) It says, "Rectal Monitor"!!!
What, is he high or some-- oh. Never mind. I guess Rei shared the
brownies...
All: @_@(;)
Ditto.
Fuyutski: We should cancel this test. Don't you agree Major? Major?
Misato: o/ I am the very model of a modern Major General... o/
Bwah?!? When did *Misato* get a brownie? Oh, let me guess -- Ritsuko
shared, and Misato couldn't even recognize her own cooking. Figures...
(Hysterical laughter follows.)
Fuyutski: *Blink* Am I the only sane commanding officer here?
Fuyutski, old son, you always *were* the only sane commanding officer here.
Although since you work for Gendo, that's a marginal evaluation at best...
Misato/Gendo/Ritsuko: Yep!
(Yet even more hysterical laughter.)
Ritsuko: Here! Have a brownie!
Fuyutski stoned. What an image. Well, he *is* old enough to have been at
Berkeley...
Asuka: (Looks at Shinji's image in her plug) ... ^_^
Shinji: (Looks at Asuka's image in his plug) ... ^_^
Asuka/Shinji: BREW-HAHAAAAH!
Overall: Not bad. It made me laugh quite a bit. A few typos, a few
things that didn't quite make sense, but this *is* labelled as a spamfic. So
why did I C&C it? I dunno. Must be these brownies <munch munch>. Yummy!
--
David McMillan, Imagineer at Large.
Chief Systems Analyst and Integration Engineer, Exotic Technologies Division,
KUKA GmbH. Mecha and Weapons Design Specialist.
"Agent Mulder? My name is Neo. I believe I may be able to show you part of
the truth you've been searching for. I should warn you, however -- it's not
what you think."
--