Hello!
"So how have you two been? How's Akane?"
"Fine, as always. We finally found someone who knew the
Hiten Mitsurugi... or at least bits and pieces of it. She's been
busy workin' on recreating it."
Fair opening. The reader fairly quickly intuits that the setting
is many years after the end of the series, but the identity of
the other conversationalist is perhaps too well hidden (though
Nabiki was in fact my first guess). I assumed that this was
a phone call at first, though, and apparently it's face-to-face.
Although the suspense as to the missing info does work to keep
your readers reading, on balance I'd recommend letting the missing
info out a bit faster.
Well, maybe... I wrote this part as a test to see whether there
was a story there, somewhere. Talking heads and all that...
"Well, we finally managed to buy off Megatech, but there's been some
trouble... Say, what is your pigtail doing? It's moving."
This, for instance, could be a videophone
Mm..
Could be, but is there any reason to assume that?
Made me lotsa tougher, but my hair's been like that ever since. The
color too. Not that I mind white. but the pink stripe is kinda
embarrassing.
Good. Things have continued to happen to Ranma, but he's still
the same person.
Yep. Nothing new, less old. ^.^
Still, you look very handsome for someone who's over seventy"
Good way to casually fix the time...
thanks!
"Blame it on Akane. You don't look bad yourself. Didya find a
fountain of youth or something?"
"Nah. This is one of Megatech's products. Like it?
"It?"
fixed.
"The body. It's artificial."
...and a good way to tell us a few things about Nabiki, and future
technology.
Mm. Again, thanks. ^.^
"...Yeah. I think you should know, I still have some problems with
machines"
"...Am I safe?"
"I think so. See this? This bracelet is one of the gifts we got from
Joketsuzoku. It seals off the spirit within the body, and
also protects it from the outside."
This doesn't ever get clarified very much. Is it the sparks?
Yep. Actually, Ranma has problems only with electricity,
but I think a simpler, more indeterminate expression fits
better in his mouth.
if so, what is the underlying cause of the sparks? The reader
the first backstory. Happosai. Thunderbeast.
could go out on a limb and guess that Ranma's ki is now much too
strong for machinery, but that's about it.
Ranma actually has the...
Well, actually I can't tell without giving spoilers. ^.^;
modern brainy cities. Still, since this is meant for normal humans,
it only seals off about two thirds, but I can manage the rest.
"Stupid Happosai. Stupid thunder beast."
...and now we can make further wild guesses: the thunder beast
contaminated Ranma's ki with electricity?
Not...exactly. ^.^
Here's the point: you're going past interesting your reader to
distracting your reader, who will ignore your main story while
trying to puzzle out these minor details.
Mm. Actually, I'm not very fond of that line there. But I need to
give *some* information here. Suggestions?
"No! of course not! There's Akane, eating and sleeping. Oh,
and keeping the valley safe, and Akane."
Good: "keeping the valley safe". A new obsession.
as a bit of an afterthought, even.
"She can't leave the valley, you know that. It was the price
we... she had to pay.
Also good. This, to my mind, isn't distracting, because I feel
I can fill in the blanks. It's either that Akane is now the
valley's protector (or life-force), or that the valley supplies
Akane's life-force, or both.
Not... exactly. ^.^
The second backstory, Jusenkyo Apocalypse. ^.^
had actually agreed to. Most of what Nabiki had said, had gone over
that comma shouldn't be there.
Fixed.
his head, but the gist of it seemed to be that someone had stolen
something, but it couldn't be proven so he was needed to go check if
the supposed thieves had what... Whatever it was they had stolen.
Kind of a run-on sentence, and I don't think "Whatever" should be
I guess I do a lot of them.
capitalized. I don't think ellipsis is the way you want to achieve
fixed.
your effect, either. In fact, I don't think you need an effect: just
"the supposed thieves had whatever it was".
I'm trying to show that Ranma at least tried to pay attention, he
just didn't understand the jargon used.
('cell phone' or 'laptop' would probably be jargon for him. ^.^)
"Who woulda ever thought I'd be carrying around this much jewelry!
not even Pantyhose had this much..."
An earring qualifies as "this much jewelry"? But I like the comment
anyway.
Ranma doesn't think very highly of Taro. ^.^;
Ranma shaked his head, dismissing the sad memories, took out
<clip>
The water shimmered, and a translucent apparition appeared,
<clip>
only marred by the fact that she was wearing a worn gi.
An effective scene, I thought.
They keep saying that. I guess it is, then.
"Well, I guess she's bored, too. I mean, our lives haven't
been exactly dull, have they? It's been, what? at least two
years since the last crisis."
This seems contradictory: "at least two years" implies that
the last two years _have_ been dull, at least to me.
Point. Then again, when you're that old, i'd presume time goes
by pretty fast.
(Hey, I think it should still be January... of year 1998! And I'm
only twenty. ^.^;)
I'm considering changing this to "A few months", though.
"...I guess. Still, be careful not to get any of that water on you!
I don't want more people looking like I used to around."
That this ritual uses Akanenichuan water doesn't seem all that
reasonable to me. Why? As far as we know, Akanenichuan water
has no other properties.
Of all the Jusenkyo springs, it has the strongest connection to Akane.
"Farewell, my champion. I love you", Akane said, reaching
with his hand towards Ranma.
I _HOPE_ that that's a typo, that you mean "her hand".
Or are you trying to tell us something?
A honest mistake, on my part.
it, he was unprepared as tiny arcs of electricity lashed between his
hand and the receiver, causing him to retract his hand. Now
more awake, he tried again, with better success.
...the payoff for your earlier hints... I still think you
should supply more details on this change to Ranma. It definitely
distracts me.
*sigh.*
I'll try to explain this more.
Nabiki was giddy with excitement. It had been so long, since
That comma shouldn't be there either.
fixed
A woman in a labcoat, technician of some sort, Nabiki didn't
bother with the details, asked.
This detail of Nabiki is both a bit distasteful and a little
surprising, given that your Nabiki _is_ a high-level executive.
Such people normally _do_ know the details (name, title, project
goals, role), even if they've memorized them from a tickler file
five minutes before.
*sigh*
Laziness on my part. I suck with names.
I didn't feel very comfortable writing this, either.
"Rushed", you say?
It's true, the name should be there. she probably
even has it on a nametag, or something.
A pigtailed man with white hair and a tall woman with red, spiky
hair.
<clip>
"Oh, don't worry, Hakubi-sensei,
Some version of Washuu, possibly a Pretty Sammy version. If
you just meant to posit a resemblance, I'd pick another name.
If you meant a descendant, I'd change the hair color. As is,
it's another distraction.
Why all versions of Washuu should be multimillenial years
old? ^.^
Then again, I could make it to be Ryoko, to put people really
guessing, but that wouldn't fit with her reactions about the fight.
Yes, it's basically _A_ Washuu.
...
I actually toyed with the idea, that the data she gets of Ranma,
eventually leads to the creation of Ryoko, but...
Well, we'll see.
The hydraulic door to the lab opened, allowing a certain
pigtailed old man to enter.
Confusing. He's already there, unless the above "pigtailed
man with white hair" is someone else.
Ah, yes... Revising bug. Fixed. ^^;
and... because I ask you to. Please?"
It has been said, that Ranma Saotome never loses. A theory which
was proven wrong, once again.
Well, Ranma had no particular reason to refuse Nabiki on this...
Actually I ran into problems with my vocabularity in here.
Besides, I thought he might not want to be a "guinea pig"
Basically what I wanted to say was that
"Ranma crumbled under the savage attack of Nabiki's
rationalizations, the word 'please' being the final blow"
or something.
than what it was. And this guy had a ghost, was an associate of
miss Tendo's, even!
I assume you're using "ghost" here in a sense similar to "Ghost
in the Shell"? That "this guy" is a mecha remotely animated
by a real human consciousness? You might want to expand on this.
Well, that's the gist of it, essentially she recognizes Ranma as
a person.
Or is Washuu even hypothesizing the "remote" part? If not,
shouldn't she be more alarmed about the possibility of complete
destruction of the "associate of miss Tendo's"?
Hmm.. point.
To a cyborg this advanced (as she presumes Ranma is,) decapitation
would not be life-threatening. Basically she just expects Ranma to
be dismembered, and that the "test"'ll be over before too great a
risk comes to pass.
The prototype is not very autonomous in it's current state. It can do
HtH and walk around, but not much else.
("Miss" should
be capitalized.)
Fixed
The scientist watched in amazement as her employee leaned back
in her chair and started munching popcorn.
I _think_ you want "her employer", as I assume you mean Nabiki
rather than the unnamed technician.
Ah, yes. Fixed.
As the two continued their melee, Ranma went to his trademark
'dodge and weave' routine, occasionally opting to take more
<clip>
location, with no consideration for style. Still, it was kinda fun
to watch.
I liked your description of the battle and Ranma's analysis of it.
It rings true to me, for a future Ranma battling an android.
Thank you. Second time I've written a fight scene.
something. A presence. Something like a spirit, but a bit more. There!
In the corner! A shape of a man, dressed in a worn dougi, wearing a
red headband, was looking intently at the fight. As he noticed Ranma
staring at him, he slowly vanished, turning translucent before
disappearing.
This went nowhere. I assume it is important for material not
yet written?
Yep. Besides, I needed something to allow the android to actually be able
to lay a hand on Ranma.
"Now you've done it! They wanted a show, I'll give them a show, even
with a little dance! TENMA RANBU!"
Heaven-horse Wild-??? (I can't find a good match for "bu" in
this context. If you don't want to supply the translation in
place, consider doing so in Author's Notes at the end.
wild dance.
Hm. I'll consider that, later.
Can anyone tell, this Ranma likes to show off?
Different new, different new...
*whack!*
err...
Same old, same old
With that, the three women departed. In the chamber
behind them, Ranma still stood.
"How 'bout that, Nabiki. Nabiki? Um, hello? Anyone there?
Nabiki just left? Why? She hasn't been showing _that_
level of casualness towards Ranma, and surely she doesn't
care that much what Washuu's going to do with the data
from the fight.
Well, the ending's kinda rough, In my opinion, too.
Basically, I tried to have Nabiki playing a practical joke on
Ranma.
I'll try to redo this with the revision.
Overall, interesting on several counts. I want more.
Good work.
*Sigh*
3k of the next part written...
and from the looks of it, it's gonna be around
30-40k, If I can keep it small. *sigh*
yare yare.
Well, thanks for your comments! Appreciated greatly!
"Tomorrow sees undone what happens not today.
Indecision brings delays,
days lost lamenting lost days"
Tel:050-3063241
Group:Xes
http://www.ratol.fi/~eruuska/
Martial arts.
Enlightenment.