On Sun, 21 May 2000, Esa Ruuska wrote:
I've had absolutely no time for fan fiction lately, but I don't want to
let this one get by me. :)
Since I need to start studying for entrance exams now, I'm sending what
I have written. The title's still a bit tentative, so if anyone can
suggest a better one, I'm listening.
I like it. Distinctive and easy to remember.
"Oh, it's been like that ever since I had to help one of the
Dragon Prince's ancestors. You remember Herb, right? He's all scaly
nowadays. Anyways, I hadta drink this potion made out of a dragon pearl.
Made me lotsa tougher, but my hair's been like that ever since. The
^^^^^
lots, or a lot
color too. Not that I mind white. but the pink stripe is kinda
Suggest: white, but
or white. The pink
"Dragons? Looks like your life hasn't been all that calm even in the
middle of nowhere. Still, you look very handsome for someone who's over
seventy"
seventy." I'd also suggest that Nabiki speak a tad bit more formally to
really set the contrast with Ranma off.
"Nah. This is one of Megatech's products. Like it?
it?"
"...Yeah. I think you should know, I still have some problems with
machines"
machines." Shades of Armitage here. :)
it only seals off about two thirds, but I can manage the rest.
rest."
"True. Still, no-one deserved to die like that, not even him. Still,
at least I learned the Raijinken."
Suggest: change one of the last two sentences so they don't both start
with 'Still,'
"No! of course not! There's Akane, eating and sleeping. Oh, and keeping
Suggest: No, of course not!
"I'll think about it. Anyways, since you decided to visit, how about
I don't think Nabiki would use 'anyways.' Try just 'Anyway,'
had actually agreed to. Most of what Nabiki had said, had gone over
Nabiki had said had gone
As Ranma closed the window behind him, he wondered why this kind of
apartment was called a 'penthouse' and whatever that meant. Still, it
was roomy, so he figured he could do some exercising there.
It may not be your style, but I'd like a bit more description of Ranma's
surrounds, especially in a cyber-type world. Just little touches that tell
us it's the nearish future. I'd set the whole thing up as looking strictly
traditional, but with modern synthetic materials, such as a self-cleaning
tatami surface. Most people couldn't tell the difference, but Ranma's not
most people. Just trying to give out some ideas...
Ranma took his backpack from the closed, opened it and
from the closed what? Closet?
took a small box out. It was an otherwise plain wooden box, except
that it had a peculiar ornate lock and a mysterious looking pattern
carved on the lid.
This sentence is a little awkward. You could also try a little bit of
other sensory perceptions, like him running his fingers over the pattern.
not even Pantyhose had this much..."
Not even
Ranma shaked his head, dismissing the sad memories, took out
^^^^^
Shook
Kneeling in front of the plate, of what seemed to be water, he spoke:
Perhaps try "clear liquid," it's a little less clunky than "what seemed to
be water"
The water shimmered, and a translucent apparition appeared,
floating above the plate; An image of a woman, of an unearthy beauty,
with long, deep blue hair. Truly, a visage of greatest beauty...
only marred by the fact that she was wearing a worn gi.
I like this part. :)
she was wearing a pastel yellow sundress. "I was finishing anyways."
^^^^^^^
anyway."
"I guess that's an improvement. She used to be so afraid of all this."
"Well, I guess she's bored, too.
I'd change one of these 'guesses' to 'suppose.' Probably Akane's.
"Me too, Akane. It'll only be few weeks, visiting everybody. Besides,
It'll only be a few
"Farewell, my champion. I love you", Akane said, reaching with his hand
Akane's a boy?
And then, the image faded. Ranma stood still for few moments, before
for a few moments
Later, the phone rang. As Ranma instinctively reached out towards
it, he was unprepared as tiny arcs of electricity lashed between his
hand and the receiver, causing him to retract his hand. Now more awake,
he tried again, with better success.
Hmm, very interesting. What exactly is going on here? (wondering as a
reader, not CC'er)
Puzzled, Ranma closed the phone. What was that all about?
Is it a holoscreen? "Close" is not very clear here.
"Upload Complete. If I may ask, miss Tendo, why did we just insert
"Miss Tendo" Poor Nabs, never got married. ;)
"Killing two birds with one stone," Nabiki softly said, then
with firmer voice "I want to see whether the new synthetics are
with a firmer voice
The hydraulic door to the lab opened, and two people entered;
entered:
"I hope you're not planning on wrecking my creation,"the woman
inquired.
It's more of a statement than an inquiry. also:
creation," the woman
"Oh, don't worry, Hakubi-sensei, if it breaks, I'll grant you
that research money you've been pleading for" came Nabiki's
reply. She was going to grant it anyways, but now she'd get
Again, anyways -> anyway
The hydraulic door to the lab opened, allowing a certain
pigtailed old man to enter.
Hmm, I thought they already entered the room...
This is our latest prototype, made with the technology
that was stolen,"Nabiki explained, gesturing towards
stolen," Nabiki
"Sure, I never lose," came the automatic reply, even before
he'd had a chance to look at the thing. It was white, humanoid
and pretty stylish, like a miniature mecha from one of those
animations. It had a T-shaped cross of what looked like some
sort of dark glass, covering the area where eyes and nose would
have been on a human, ending where it's mouth would have been.
Neat description of the robot. :)
Nabiki took few steps closer, speaking silently.
Nabkiki took a few
"Because I'd be much happier if I knew you'd had some experience
with fighting machines, also, we'd get to test both our latest
Suggest: fighting machines. Also, we'd
technology and latest combat software in practice, I'd get to
see you in action, a treat even for an old woman like myself,
and... because I ask you to. Please?"
Split this up a little as well, it's very much a run-on.
"Well then, shall we go to the testing area. Hakubi-sensei?"
testing area? Hakubi-sensei?
The aforementioned scientist, who had been watching Ranma
intently trying to figure out what model he was, which was hard to
determine, since his face had the slight asymmetry, which kept the
face from looking synthetic, a sure sign of expensive custom design,
shook out of his reverie, sighing.
Another behemoth of a run-on. I like what you're trying to convey though.
The shining hair should've been
a dead giveaway in the first place. She must have been tired from
all this late-night work, if she missed an obvious sign like that.
What, no great new conditioners in the future? And I don't mean an
amazon. :P
The scientist watched in amazement as her employee leaned back
employer
As the two continued their melee, Ranma went to his trademark
'dodge and weave' routine, occasionally opting to take more
Extra space here
interesting routes, spinning, jumping and sliding past his mechanical
opponent, he was reminded of the more human challenges he'd had,
Suggest: opponent. He was
"Heh, how 'bout that" Ranma commented, grinning. A decent
that," Ranma
From the man-shaped dent in the wall, Ranma looked at the
Up until now, the fight has been pretty realistic. The man-shaped dent is
cartoonish, and I don't think it fits with the tone you're trying to set.
With that, Ranma charged at the android, hitting it with
unorthodox combination of hand slaps and heel stomps, each hit
it with an unorthodox
Back in the control room, there was a yelp of pain. "Are you all
right, sensei?" Nabiki inquired.
Okay, I'm not getting this relationship very clearly. Nabiki gave
reference to granting research money. That would imply she's the
employer. I don't think the relationship would grant a "sensei" to the
scientist unless Nabiki was being slightly mocking.
+++
I liked it. :) I'm very interested in the backstory and where you're going
with this. Please continue.
Colleen
--
"You Are Different and That's Bad."
ODP: http://dmoz.org/profiles/minty.html