Nevertheless, people, I *need* comments on the new part, the
new title, about what you think was going on, suggestions about
what could be said better, *anything*.
Okay. The title is intriguing, but I can't yet tell whether
it is apropos.
"So how have you two been? How's Akane?"
"Fine, as always. We finally found someone who knew the
Hiten Mitsurugi... or at least bits and pieces of it. She's been
busy workin' on recreating it."
Fair opening. The reader fairly quickly intuits that the setting
is many years after the end of the series, but the identity of
the other conversationalist is perhaps too well hidden (though
Nabiki was in fact my first guess). I assumed that this was
a phone call at first, though, and apparently it's face-to-face.
Although the suspense as to the missing info does work to keep
your readers reading, on balance I'd recommend letting the missing
info out a bit faster.
"Well, we finally managed to buy off Megatech, but there's been some
trouble... Say, what is your pigtail doing? It's moving."
This, for instance, could be a videophone.
Made me lotsa tougher, but my hair's been like that ever since. The
color too. Not that I mind white. but the pink stripe is kinda
embarrassing.
Good. Things have continued to happen to Ranma, but he's still
the same person.
Still, you look very handsome for someone who's over seventy"
Good way to casually fix the time...
"Blame it on Akane. You don't look bad yourself. Didya find a
fountain of youth or something?"
"Nah. This is one of Megatech's products. Like it?
"It?"
"The body. It's artificial."
...and a good way to tell us a few things about Nabiki, and future
technology.
"...Yeah. I think you should know, I still have some problems with
machines"
"...Am I safe?"
"I think so. See this? This bracelet is one of the gifts we got from
Joketsuzoku. It seals off the spirit within the body, and
also protects it from the outside."
This doesn't ever get clarified very much. Is it the sparks? And
if so, what is the underlying cause of the sparks? The reader
could go out on a limb and guess that Ranma's ki is now much too
strong for machinery, but that's about it.
modern brainy cities. Still, since this is meant for normal humans,
it only seals off about two thirds, but I can manage the rest.
"Stupid Happosai. Stupid thunder beast."
...and now we can make further wild guesses: the thunder beast
contaminated Ranma's ki with electricity?
Here's the point: you're going past interesting your reader to
distracting your reader, who will ignore your main story while
trying to puzzle out these minor details.
"No! of course not! There's Akane, eating and sleeping. Oh,
and keeping the valley safe, and Akane."
Good: "keeping the valley safe". A new obsession.
"She can't leave the valley, you know that. It was the price
we... she had to pay.
Also good. This, to my mind, isn't distracting, because I feel
I can fill in the blanks. It's either that Akane is now the
valley's protector (or life-force), or that the valley supplies
Akane's life-force, or both.
had actually agreed to. Most of what Nabiki had said, had gone over
that comma shouldn't be there.
his head, but the gist of it seemed to be that someone had stolen
something, but it couldn't be proven so he was needed to go check if
the supposed thieves had what... Whatever it was they had stolen.
Kind of a run-on sentence, and I don't think "Whatever" should be
capitalized. I don't think ellipsis is the way you want to achieve
your effect, either. In fact, I don't think you need an effect: just
"the supposed thieves had whatever it was".
"Who woulda ever thought I'd be carrying around this much jewelry!
not even Pantyhose had this much..."
An earring qualifies as "this much jewelry"? But I like the comment
anyway.
Ranma shaked his head, dismissing the sad memories, took out
<clip>
The water shimmered, and a translucent apparition appeared,
<clip>
only marred by the fact that she was wearing a worn gi.
An effective scene, I thought.
"Well, I guess she's bored, too. I mean, our lives haven't
been exactly dull, have they? It's been, what? at least two
years since the last crisis."
This seems contradictory: "at least two years" implies that
the last two years _have_ been dull, at least to me.
"...I guess. Still, be careful not to get any of that water on you!
I don't want more people looking like I used to around."
That this ritual uses Akanenichuan water doesn't seem all that
reasonable to me. Why? As far as we know, Akanenichuan water
has no other properties.
"Farewell, my champion. I love you", Akane said, reaching
with his hand towards Ranma.
I _HOPE_ that that's a typo, that you mean "her hand".
Or are you trying to tell us something?
it, he was unprepared as tiny arcs of electricity lashed between his
hand and the receiver, causing him to retract his hand. Now
more awake, he tried again, with better success.
...the payoff for your earlier hints... I still think you
should supply more details on this change to Ranma. It definitely
distracts me.
Nabiki was giddy with excitement. It had been so long, since
That comma shouldn't be there either.
A woman in a labcoat, technician of some sort, Nabiki didn't
bother with the details, asked.
This detail of Nabiki is both a bit distasteful and a little
surprising, given that your Nabiki _is_ a high-level executive.
Such people normally _do_ know the details (name, title, project
goals, role), even if they've memorized them from a tickler file
five minutes before.
A pigtailed man with white hair and a tall woman with red, spiky
hair.
<clip>
"Oh, don't worry, Hakubi-sensei,
Some version of Washuu, possibly a Pretty Sammy version. If
you just meant to posit a resemblance, I'd pick another name.
If you meant a descendant, I'd change the hair color. As is,
it's another distraction.
The hydraulic door to the lab opened, allowing a certain
pigtailed old man to enter.
Confusing. He's already there, unless the above "pigtailed
man with white hair" is someone else.
and... because I ask you to. Please?"
It has been said, that Ranma Saotome never loses. A theory which
was proven wrong, once again.
Well, Ranma had no particular reason to refuse Nabiki on this...
than what it was. And this guy had a ghost, was an associate of
miss Tendo's, even!
I assume you're using "ghost" here in a sense similar to "Ghost
in the Shell"? That "this guy" is a mecha remotely animated
by a real human consciousness? You might want to expand on this.
Or is Washuu even hypothesizing the "remote" part? If not,
shouldn't she be more alarmed about the possibility of complete
destruction of the "associate of miss Tendo's"? ("Miss" should
be capitalized.)
The scientist watched in amazement as her employee leaned back
in her chair and started munching popcorn.
I _think_ you want "her employer", as I assume you mean Nabiki
rather than the unnamed technician.
As the two continued their melee, Ranma went to his trademark
'dodge and weave' routine, occasionally opting to take more
<clip>
location, with no consideration for style. Still, it was kinda fun
to watch.
I liked your description of the battle and Ranma's analysis of it.
It rings true to me, for a future Ranma battling an android.
something. A presence. Something like a spirit, but a bit more. There!
In the corner! A shape of a man, dressed in a worn dougi, wearing a
red headband, was looking intently at the fight. As he noticed Ranma
staring at him, he slowly vanished, turning translucent before
disappearing.
This went nowhere. I assume it is important for material not
yet written?
"Now you've done it! They wanted a show, I'll give them a show, even
with a little dance! TENMA RANBU!"
Heaven-horse Wild-??? (I can't find a good match for "bu" in
this context. If you don't want to supply the translation in
place, consider doing so in Author's Notes at the end.
With that, the three women departed. In the chamber
behind them, Ranma still stood.
"How 'bout that, Nabiki. Nabiki? Um, hello? Anyone there?
Nabiki just left? Why? She hasn't been showing _that_
level of casualness towards Ranma, and surely she doesn't
care that much what Washuu's going to do with the data
from the fight.
Overall, interesting on several counts. I want more.
Good work.