A very intriguing start; you've certainly managed to hook most
readers' attention.
Characterization: okay, except for Mousse
Plot: intriguing
Settings: could use work. You might consider some
additional research for Shanghai and Nerima.
Lo Shan ran her way through the foreign streets quickly, weaving in
and out of streets and side-alleys.....
she was trying to avoid anyone or anything that meant her ill will.
A pursued amazon: nice. Catch the reader's attention quickly.
elders had sent her with their blessing, but not even she had
known she would have pursuers.
Confusing: why "not even she"? Why would the messenger have
more knowledge than her superiors?
In fact, simply having the bird THERE made her feel safe.
Again, good: letting the reader know that the bird _wouldn't_
be there if the pursuer was.
The residences all around her were protected by large walls.
A rather ingenious idea, she would have to suggest it to
the council when she was able to return to the village safely.
Not credible. The Tendo-ke and Kunou-ke are pictured as
surrounded by walls, but most residences in Japan aren't, and
most Nerima street scenes in the manga don't have them, except
for low walls conveniently placed for Ryouga to shred. Also,
while the Joketsuzoku village is not shown with walls, the
idea that walls for protection is "a rather ingenious idea"
is ludicrous. Every culture on Earth knows this idea.
You might consider making a point about the Amazon's pride
instead, that they _don't_ have walls because they're
confident they don't need them.
Ranma sighed. Just another day of arguing with Akane.
Was it really worth it?
Odd thought for Ranma, particularly when the argument itself
is very different from the ones they typically have. I'd
have thought he might enjoy this one; neither of their egos
are at stake.
"I still maintain my opinion."
THIS is _RANMA_ speaking? No "ya dumb tomboy", or simple
grumbling?
"Khu... Lon..." she managed to mutter before losing
consciousness.
Romanization of "Cologne" is somewhat controversial. You
probably want to be aware that "Khu Lon" has been descredited;
it's not real Chinese. The pinyin for the kanji characters given
in the manga is "Ke Run" or "Ke Lun".
of trying to win Ranma. Of course, she hadn't expected her
Great-Grandmother ordering her to be Mousse's servant for nearly
twenty-four hours.
Heh. Now THIS is rather amusing.
even though he never asked one thing of Shampoo-- which was
even worse, seeing as she had to follow him around for the
whole day.
This doesn't really ring true to me. Mousse _thinks_ of his
feelings for Shampoo as noble, perhaps, but he can be quite
opportunistic. He's not shy about trying to peep on Shampoo
in the Onsen Race episode, for instance. Given Shampoo as a
servant for a day, with no conditions on what he can ask, I
picture him asking for quite a lot.
Cologne nodded. "She is the messenger," she said.
Why "_the_ messenger"? Why not "a messenger"? Is this deliberate?
Should we infer something here? If so, you might want to
consider capitalizing "messenger" to underline it.
...to her best friend.
Now, _THIS_ I like. Bringing Shampoo's amazon best friend to
Nerima has plenty of possibilities, especially for showing us
sides to Shampoo's personality we haven't seen before.
"Mousse," Cologne called back. "Bring me the first aid
kit, and my medical herbs!"
Mousse wasted no time in bringing either.
This strikes me as just wrong, on two counts: 1) Cologne would
never ask Mousse to bring them when Shampoo is there; she has
an even lower opinion of Mousse than Shampoo does. 2) In canon,
Takahashi would never let Mousse succeed in "wasting no time",
either; this would be a certain lead-in to a "blind" joke.
Mousse looked over from the telephone and blinked. "Why?"
Again, Takahashi wouldn't have Mousse holding the real telephone,
so Cologne wouldn't bother to say anything.
"Keep her down!" Cologne exclaimed, then began to apply
the balm to her wounds.
"Well, DUH!" Ranma shot back.
This strikes me as a tad OOC for Ranma. He usually pays close
attention to Cologne when the stakes are high.
"Do not worry about that," Cologne exclaimed. "Mousse,
you know what to do."
Mousse nodded and gripped an artery at her neck and temple,
stopping the flow of blood to the brain for a moment.
Again, OOC: Cologne wouldn't ask Mousse to do this when
Shampoo is there, and Mousse wouldn't succeed if he did. Shampoo
is established at least twice in the manga as being quite
competent at pressure points.
Herb ran through the woods, weaving in and out of
trees, as fast as he could. He had to split up from Lime and
Mint in order to do things the
right way-- after all, he was the one they were after.
Good break, heightening the tension: something is happening
on many fronts. However, your second sentence is confusing:
when I first read it, I though Herb was the one _Mint and Lime_
were after. You might want to reword.
in his run, and there were still trees all around. The rock
face in front of him was far too slippery and steep for him
to climb. If he had been stronger, he may have been able to
jump it, or even use his ki to create handholds.
Or simply fly up it. Herb does, you know.
He pushed the creature away, sending it to the ground before it
flapped its wings and raised its body back into the air. Herb sneered.
There's an implication that this is _not_ a bird here, as birds in the
hand are quite easily disabled. Herb would be ripping the wings off,
not "pushing it away".
creature back down to its back, then planted a foot in its beak,
"back down to its back"?
That was when Lime struck. He pushed his way through the trees,
knocking several of them over in the process, and planted his
fist in the creatures face.
You haven't given us any description of the creature at all,
other than that it has wings, but you're asking us to take it
on faith that punching it in the face is an effective way to fight
it. The creature must not be very much like either a human or
a bird, then; given the situation, Lime should be going to
disable a limb (either leg or wing).
"Come on," Mint said, running over to Herb. "We're
almost to Shanghai, it'll be harder for them to find us there!"
Herb, Mint, and Lime would stand out much more in Shanghai
than in the country, I'd think: people dressed in furs and
dragon scales don't look much like people in Levi's. Also,
I'm having trouble picturing this scene, with its country
setting in rugged terrain, anywhere near Shanghai (a heavily
industrialized, very large city, situated at the mouth
of a river delta).