On Mon, 22 May 2000, Sebastion Fitsroy wrote:
[Yay! It's been resurrected! Hey Matt, long time no see, eh?]
Hehehe yeah.
Eight Years Ago.
The bottom of the sixth and final inning was not one for Room 2-B
to cheer about. They had been down a run since the top of the
fourth when Takeo Akita hit a solo home run for the rival team
>from 1-A. The rest of the game had seen the 2-B batting order go
down in flames as 1-A's ace pitcher Satoru Nobata struck out three
straight in a perfect inning.
[<taps chin> Hmmm, Satoru, sounds familiar... I don't remember
if it's this story or another...]
Okaeri, Kaori-chan reference... I'm one big in-joke. ^^
youths, often arguing over who was the better player, and who
would be the better one to date. They never disagreed, though,
that either one would be a dream to have as their boyfriend.
[That last sentence didn't come out right. You make it sound like
they really want to go out with each other....]
I'll work on that.
Kenji shuddered. He was in high school, and a senior no
less. Only grade-schoolers and delinquents got a 'Please See Me'.
He wanted to scream; his hands were already shaking; he could feel
the sweat forming on his brow, cold and dank, breathing the stress
>from his body not nearly as fast as it built within him.
[You sure you want to have two semi-colons in one sentence?
Looks rather, I don't know, incomplete like that.]
My bad... I'll change.
Ichiro announced his source of happiness with little concern.
"I got an eighty." The grin widened, betraying his indifferent
tone. "I guess Mr. Motojima really does like Star Wars after
all."
[I can see it now, My Disertation of Why Han Solo and
Princess Leia Are an Incompatiable Couple.]
Watch closely... there are quite a few SW references here.
"Kenji got a 'Please See Me'?" The class gasped in unison,
and immediately set into a blaze of wild chatter, involving
failure and burning out and careers dead before they started.
[Ya know, you make it sound so... cheerful.]
Well, it is a comedy.
Sleep came surprisingly easy. The ambiance of the suburb
faded from his mind, rolling in and out of his awareness as he
drifted further from the lighthouse, and deeper into a calm and
liquid dream. It took only a few minutes, but by then, Kenji's
slumbering brain had shed the concept of time.
[Now earlier I said you did a nice job with the imagery, here it
goes a little *too* far. This paragraph suffers slightly since so
many images are introduced at once, which will confuse the
reader, like it did to me at first. I had to read it three times to
realize what the idea was.]
I'll repair this.
"Then why do I have this writer's block?"
"Oh boy," she muttered as she read his folded paper. "You
really do need my help."
"Yes," Kenji started. "Yes I do. But, why do I need your
help? Where were you a month ago? How about a week ago, when I
had to write that C-minus paper I got back today? Where were you
then?" Kenji's voice rose quickly, his fists balled. Before he
knew it, he was standing over Caravan, growling, ready to yell at
any answer she could give.
[Hmmm, that whole sequence is too sudden in my opinion and I seem
to remember pointing that out last time. You gave me some explaination
which escapes me... Anyway, I still don't feel comfortable with it.]
It was probably some BS reference to anger management problems but
looking at it again, you're right... Will work on it.
remark earned him another glare from Caravan.
[*WHACK!*
"Owwwww..."]
Hehehe...
"Not at all," the girl grinned. "I like listening to
stories."
[BTW, what was that story about?]
That, my friend, is for another time.
[This is another reason I like this story, it really speaks to me, specificly
in regards to how I view my own writing. I wish other fanfic writers would
take their writing seriously as well... *sigh*]
*nods* I'm sure a number of writers will or have neared the stage
where they know they should write better, but can't yet. That's where
Kenji is.
"What?" Kenji whipped around. Indeed, Caravan was gone.
"She was such a nice girl," Kenji's mother commented.
"You'll have to invite her over again some time."
["God knows we need to continue the Terada blood line."
"Moooommmmm...."]
Just you wait... heh heh heh
* * * *
Kenji spent a full glass of milk and five cookies deep in thought.
"What else could she be?" he mused between chocolate-chipped
bites.
[Shouldn't you cap he? Or am I wrong in that assumption?]
What I have is correct... the question mark acts like a comma.
[Yes, it's nice to know that you brought this out of retirement.
I really enjoyed this the second time around will continue to
as you move along with the series.
Anyway, maybe I should talk about the story itself. <grin>
The story is great and good quality, what I'd expect from
Matt. Since I have given this very intense C&C in the past
there isn't much more I can really say outside the fact that
I think Kenji is a little too quick to lose his temper with
Caravan, since there really isn't any indication that he would
early on in this part. As for the characters, at least the ones
introduced thus far, I like em. Folks, there is a good reason
Caravan was nominated for Best New Character. And not because
of fan service... <grin>
hehehe... well, thank you... I'm flattered by the comments.
There were little errors here and there, but nothing bad. And the
dialog really does a nice job of supporting the characterization,
a talent which I wished I had. Great job of imagery, with that
one exception of when Kenji takes his nap, that went a little
overboard.
I will fix these errors. I aim to please.
Hmmm, that's it. Now, hurry up with that next part will ya Matt?
<grin>
Soon... very soon.
Nice to see you again, amigo.]
Thank you. It's good to be back.
--Matt
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Tell me where the fancy bred, by the hearth or in the bed?"
--William Shakespeare's 'Kama Sutra'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------