SPOILERS BELOW!
Good overall! This is KKJ anime continuity, right? I don't have much to
say story-wise. It does seem to be mirroring the first Kodachi/Akane/Ranma
fight with the main fighter getting injured and the alternate having to go
for training (in Ranma's case, to Ryouga). But that's certainly not a
problem. I caught a few things and made some suggestions below.
On Tuesday, May 23, 2000 5:21 PM, Lady Quicksilver
[SMTP:mbsilvana@hotmail.com] wrote:
<snip>
She looked at the sheet her instructor has handed her, unable t o
to
<snip>
notes- it
doesn't look that much different then your normal style. Basic
difference
"than your normal style." Also, I would think a teacher would say "The
basic difference".
is that you use your tools to attack the opponent rather then just
toss
to toss (should mirror "to attack")
around and that it takes place inside a wrestling ring.. The match
Need a comma to separate the last clause, or else make it a new sentence.
Also, extra "."
<snip>
Still, the idea of doing in a ring of spectators did not sit well
doing it, though that still sounds awkward
with her.
It could
give certain people ideas she didn't want them to have. Her mind
flashed
to her best friend Miyako. "Why me?" she asked.
friend, Miyako.
"You and Miyako are the most talented gymnasts I have on the team,"
Pakkyamlamao-sensei admitted grudgingly.
Maron nodded, blushing slightly at the compliment. "Does Miyako
know?"
she asked.
"Hai. She's already training."
Maron smiled. "Then I should be as well. When's our match?"
"Three weeks from yesterday."
Maron grabbed a ribbon. She had three weeks to learn a new
Hold on! Maron grabbed a ribbon? See below.
style?! She
had better get started!
She grabbed a hoop and dashed to the mats, and wasn't surprised to
see
Miyako already there, holding onto numerous pins, throwing them with
ease
and accuracy, spinning. She had only seen Miyako look so dangerous
once;
Maron had been in her Jeanne identity at the time, trying to steal
a
music box Miyako was guarding along with her police captain father.
Here
Her
friend's dark eyes were fixed on a goal she could see, but was
beyond Maron.
Very awkward. I'm not sure of a good way to write this right now.
Maron respected Miyako more then anyone else in the world; there
was such
a purity to her strength and purpose that was irresistible.
awkward again. I'm not sure. . ..
"Miyako!" she said, getting her friend's attention.
Miyako caught the last pin and sprang over to her best friend,
landing
lightly. A faint sheen of sweat decorated her forehead, a sign
that she
had been practicing for quite a while. Hands on her hips, Miyako
leaned
forward to glare accusingly at Maron. "Where have you BEEN?
Practice
began an hour ago! I hope you weren't off flirting with Chiaki!"
"I had other things to do- I TOLD you I would be late, didn't I?
And then
sensi held me up to describe this new gymnastics we're suppose to be
supposed
doing!!
Besides, why would I want to flirt with that hentai anyway?" Maron
said,
falling into her usual banter with Miyako. "Tell me about this
Martial
Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics thing- is it going to be hard to learn?"
Miyako smiled somewhat unwillingly. "Actually, it looks like a
why unwillingly?
lot of
fun. I might actually be able to use it to catch Kaitou Jeanne.
The notes
pretty much go over the basics- the tape is a match.... I advise you
to
watch it first, then read over the other information. You
shouldn't have
too much trouble picking up on it. One of us is going to be facing
maybe "picking it up" instead?
St.
Hebereke's champion Kuno Kodachi. That's be me, since I've
That's going to be me
actually fought
before, unlike you."
Maron wanting to argue the point, but realized that keeping her
wanted
identity as
Jeanne secret was more important. "OK," she said fairly docilely.
fairly docilely? Sounds a little weird. Maybe just docilely?
"But
then why am I training?"
"In case of a tie- which is we both get knocked out, forced from
maybe "which occurs if we"
the ring,
or disqualified. Then you'll have to face Kodachi's second.
You'll be
acting as my second," Miyako said.
"Second?" she asked, looking confused.
Miyako sighed. "I should have let you read the notes before the
lecture.
The second is the girl who hands the weapons to the fighter. Also
the
second most competent person on the team."
I think it might sound better to say "She's also the second"
Maron wasn't sure she liked how Miyako automatically assumed she
was
better. Maron had defeated Miyako several times already, but that
was when
she had Jeanne d'Arque's power. "Fine," she said a little huffily,
stalking
off to the multimedia room so she could watch the tape.
The tape made for very interesting viewing. It was of a
championship
match between Kuno Kodachi and Saotome Ranma, and her eyes hurt
after a few
seconds. Both opponents were very skilled- though Kodachi was
treacherous.
Things she had believed were physically impossible happened, such
as the
attack of a thousand clubs, Kodachi bringing her brother into the
ring using
only a ribbon, and the ring being first shifted then destroyed at
the end of
the match. Certain aspects looked like they could be useful when
I think this would sound better split into two sentences. "Things she had
believed were physically impossible happened before her eyes. (though I
don't like the word "happened" there, but can't think of anything better
right now). She witnessed the attack of a thousand clubs, saw Kodachi bring
her brother into the ring using only a ribbon, and watched as the ring first
shifted (maybe "transformed" is a better word here?) and then was finally
destroyed at the end of the match."
she was
trying to Checkmate, but all in all, it looked like a sport only a
very
warped mind would come up with.
At the end of the tape, Maron was nibbling on her lip. Miyako
honestly
wanted to get into this? For some reason, she had a headache even
thinking
about it. With a sigh, she went back to the equipment room and
exchanged
her ball for a ribbon, which seemed to be the preferred weapon.
Aha!! But she already had a ribbon! See above! ^_^
Returning to the mats, she watched as Miyako danced around, aiming
her
clubs at targets she had set up, her brow furrowed in concentration.
Stupid question time - what's the difference between pins and clubs? Are
they different or the same? If the same, which is the accepted word?
She
hit the bull's eye an impressive number of times, and Maron thanked
the kami
that she wasn't the target- this time. When Miyako ran out of
Looks a little weird here. how about "she wasn't the target - at least not
this time."
clubs, Maron
walked over to her. "That was nicely done."
Miyako wiped a hand across her brow and turned one of her startling
smiles
on Maron. "Arigatou. But we don't have time to just stand around
here
chatting- we have a competition coming up!" she said, picking up a
hoop.
"The Kuno girl used razor-edged hoops in that video. There's no
reason to
believe she changed tactics. So I think a lesson in ducking
wouldn't hurt,
and it'll give me a chance to practice throwing these things like a
weapon,"
I think this might sound better split as follows:
"There's no reason to believe she's changed tactics, so I think a lesson in
ducking wouldn't hurt. And it'll give me a chance to practice throwing
these things like a weapon,"
Miyako said, a gleam in her eyes.
"Ducking?" Maron repeatedly rather woodenly, trying to force the
I think just "woodenly" sounds better than "rather woodenly"
idea
through her somewhat confused mind. Things were moving a little
too fast
for her liking.
Miyako, though, had no such hesitations. Grabbing the hoop with
her left
hand, she tossed it at Maron with a deft flick of her wrist. Maron
barely
had time to get out of the way- in fact, if it had been one of the
razor-edged hoops, she would have lost a large chunk of her
ponytail. She
yelped and landed awkwardly on one foot. "Just what are you doing,
Miyako?!" she squawked as another hoop came towards her.
towards or toward?
"Practicing!" was the pointed response.
Male laughter rang out, and Maron almost forgot to avoid the next
hoop.
Dammed, she thought, he WOULD have to show up now. She felt herself
quotes?
start t
to
blush, though whether it was out of embarrassment or anger she
didn't know.
Miyako was distracted as well. She forgot about practicing and
raced over
to the intruder. "Chiaki-kun! What are you doing here?" she
wanted to
know.
Sounds a little awkward. Maybe just "asked"?
Chiaki was a very handsome boy who happened to be in the same class
as
them- as well as live in the same building as the two girls. He
was a bit
of a flirt, and Miyako had the WORST crush on him. Maron wasn't
sure how
she felt, since he periodically managed to embarrass her, but she
DID know
that anger was the safest response. Twirling the last hoop on her
fingertips, Maron started over to her classmates, trying not to be
obvious
about it.
Trying not to be obvious about what? Being angry or walking?
"I came to walk you two home, of course. It's time."
The two checked the clock with surprise. "So it is! Just let us
get
changed, ne, Maron?" Miyako said, racing around and picking up the
hoops and
clubs.
Chiaki tilted his head, his rich blue bangs falling in the way of
his
chocolate-colored eyes. "I DO have a question for you, though.
What did
you do that ticked Miyako off so badly? I know you two fight a
lot, but
throwing your gymnastics tools? It's a bit much."
Maron sighed, suppressing a wave of happiness that he cared enough
to ask.
"It's Martial Arts Gymnastics."
"Nani?" he asked, and she had the rare satisfaction of seeing him
look
completely baffled.
"It's a sport," she said, speaking the way she would to a child,
relishing
every moment of it. "Miyako and I have a match soon," she said,
stretching
the truth a little. She gave him a brief overview of the sport.
"Let me see if I get this. Two gymnasts attack each other, trying
to
knock each other out or force the other from the ring?" Chiaki
asked.
Maron nodded.
He ran his eyes up her bare legs, over the curves of her hips, and
past her
breasts, causing her to blush. "This definitely sounds like a
sport I
could get to like," he said with his teasing smile.
She wanted to hit him; she wanted to kiss him- she wasn't sure what
she
wanted to do, so all she did was yell. "Chiaki! You are so
AGGRAVATING!
First off, MIYAKO is the one who will be doing the fighting, not me.
Secondly-" she would have continued, but Miyako grabbed her arm and
dragged
her off to the changing rooms.
Ten minutes later the threesome were on their way back to their
apartment
complex, Maron lagging back a little while her best friend hung on
Chiaki's
every word. Every now and then he glanced back at her from the
corner of
his eye, his lips curved in the "I know something you don't" smile
she found
so fascinating and irritating.
When they arrived in the lobby, she waved them on like usual,
before
bracing herself. Taking a deep breath, she walked over to her
mailbox.
She carefully swung the door open, hoping... but there was nothing
there.
It's really not fair... she thought, ringing for the elevator.
quotes
***
Ten days later found the two girls squaring off in what looked like
a
wrestling ring. They had been practicing intensively, and know it
now
was
time to get used to other differences. The each stood on a post,
holding a
ribbon in their hands. Miyako stood confidently, but Maron was
chewing on
her lip, one of her worst habits. She did not like this. Two of
the other
members of the Rhythmic Gymnastics Team waiting in their corners,
either "stood waiting" or "were waiting"
acting as
seconds. Maron looked at Arimi, her second, who gave her a thumbs
thumb's
up.
Pakkyamlamao-sensei stood at the side of the ring. "You two have
come so
far in the last few days- I'm very proud of you both. Now you need
to get
used to thinking of the tools as weapons. I want to two to
"you two" instead of "to two"?
concentrate on
forcing each other out of the ring- I don't want you to knock each
other
out."
"Hai, sensei," they chorused.
"The bell will ring. At that point, everything becomes a legal
weapon.
You can attack using whatever- just remember, you must use a weapon,
no body
contact. The Kuno girl is VERY VERY good, so don't be disappointed
if you
lose. Still, I expect you to do your best."
They smiled, and the bell rang.
Miyako lunged forward, with the ribbon, aiming for Maron's waist.
Don't need a comma after "forward"
Maron
leapt of the post and onto the mat, flicking the ribbon out, trying
leapt off the post
to tie
off Miyako's feet. Miyako easily evaded this. "Fuko! Toss me a
club!"
she said, catching the club in her left hand. She aimed it at her
friend,
and Maron dodged, but Miyako was sneaky. She lashed out again with
don't need a comma after "friend" either
her
ribbon, and this time she caught Maron.
"Oof!" Maron said, as Miyako began to spin her around. Then she
was
airborne, and landing hard on the outside of the ring. "Kuso!" she
sounds awkward. Maybe "Suddenly she found herself airborne, until she
landed hard outside the ring."
swore,
rubbing her now-sore backside.
Miyako leaned over the ropes, looking down with concern.
"Daijoubu?" she
asked. "I thought you would have gotten out of that."
"So did I," Maron muttered. She rose unsteadily to her feet, and
jumped
back up onto the post. "Let's try again."
The next match went no better. And the third was even worse. By
the
time Maron was calling for the fourth match, the entire team was
looking at
her in confusion. "I don't get it," Arimi said to her. "You
should be
doing a lot better- you're the best gymnast we have, and Miyako is
thumping
you like you were a beginner."
"Well, I AM a beginner in this sport," Maron said stubbornly.
"Give me
the ball- I'll try using that."
Arimi shook her head. "You've taken a few pretty hard falls. I
think
it's time you called it quits for today. You can always try again
tomorrow."
Maron was about to object, but couldn't even stand on her own.
Her rear
end was sore, and she was moving like she was sixty, not sixteen.
Miyako
helped her to the changing rooms, and then the two waited for Chiaki
to show
up.
"You know, I can practice on my own," Miyako suggested.
"No- you need to have an opponent. Besides, what happens if it's
a tie?
I need to be able to get into the ring. I'll learn how to do this
if it
kills me," Maron avowed.
"It just might. I try not to hit you too hard, but the fall to
the floor
is going to hurt no matter how gentle I am."
"How would you know?" Maron demanded. "I haven't even been able
to hit
you yet, let alone force you from the ring!"
Don't need the word "yet" here I think
Chiaki chose that moment to appear. "Ohayo," he said.
Ohayo?? Is it morning already?
The two girls rose to their feet, Maron attempting, but failing, to
keep
from wincing. "Daijoubu?" he asked in concern.
There are going to be people who don't know what some of these Japanese
words mean. Personally, I find it a little distracting, even though I do
know what they mean. "Are you ok?" or something similar might be better.
"No, she's not," Miyako answered for her. She's so stubborn that
she kept
fighting long after she should have stopped. She'll have a lovely
collection of bruises tomorrow."
"Can you walk?" Chiaki asked, and Maron barely kept from smiling up
at him.
His concern touched her.
"Of course!" she said, trying to take a few pain-filled steps to
demonstrate.
He sighed. "Miyako, could you take her bag?"
"Sure," Miyako said, confused. Why wasn't he taking it himself?
Then
she had her answer.
With easy strength he lifted Maron up into his arms and started to
walk.
"Put me DOWN!" Maron demanded. Miyako jogged to keep up, a bit
envious
and a bit curious at the likely fall out.
"Not when you move like my great-grandmother. You'll never make
it home."
"You can't carry me all the way home!" she protested.
"You're not that fat," he said.
"People will look!" she informed him.
At this point, I almost expected her to do a double-take and demand what he
meant by saying she wasn't THAT fat. ^_^
Miyako finally couldn't help it. She started to giggle, and both
of them
glared at her.
The rest of the walk was silent.
Chiaki carried her up to her apartment. "You can put me down
now," she
said. She would never admit it to him, but she had rather enjoyed
being
carried. It had been nice to have someone's arms around her.
Chiaki's
warmth abruptly deserted her as he set her down gently.
"If you need anything, call," Miyako said, disappearing into her
apartment.
"Same here- if you need anything, call. I'm ALWAYS ready for you,
hime,"
Chiaki said, leering teasingly while she fumed. "Ja ne!"
Maron was sore the next day, but insisted on fighting. She had
improved
little, and Miyako's various attacks (some of which were just as
cunning as
her traps for Jeanne), got her almost every time. She could see
them
coming, but was unable to avoid them. She wasn't fast enough, and
she
started to get worried. Miyako was improving so much that she
might be a
problem the next time it was time to Checkmate.
She was so worried about this that she brought it up one night with
Finn,
her Guardian Angel. Finn was amazingly small and sweet, and only
Maron,
who was the reincarnation of Jeanne d'Arque, could see her. Finn
listen to
listened
her concerns carefully, then surprised Maron by laughing.
"It's really quite simple. As Jeanne, your body is enhanced by
God's
power; you're faster and stronger. You're used to being able to
fight like
that, and trying to learn to fight as Maron is harder because you're
used to
your augmented abilities." Finn then begin to describe something
related to
God that Maron didn't quite catch, but Maron still worried. Miyako
had
come close to capturing her before- with her new techniques, she
might just
have an edge.
***
One week until the match, Miyako thought with satisfaction. She
Need some kind of quote around the first clause
was
looking forward to it. It should be an interesting contest- if I
can beat
this Kodachi, then I should be able to use the same moves and maybe
even
catch Jeanne.
Same here. Need quotes around this sentence.
Miyako was walking down the street, lost in her own thoughts.
Maybe
Chiaki will take me out to dinner after I win.... she thought,
And here.
losing
herself in a romantic fantasy.
The sudden strong scent of roses distracted her back to reality.
Standing
right in her path was a girl wearing a school uniform she didn't
recognize,
but she recognize the sly expression and long black ponytail. "Are
recognized - also sounds a little awkward having "recognize" twice in a row
you
Maron?" the girl asked in a haughty voice.
No! I'm Miyako!
"Hai. And you're Kodachi," Maron answer, using the girl's first
name, just
as the girl had done.
My goodness! Where did Maron come from? ^_-
Also, should be "answered", and I don't think you need that comma before
"just".
"My reputation proceeds me, I see. Listen, peasant! I have
come to see
if you're worthy of stepping into the ring with the Black Rose," she
I wouldn't imagine Kodachi contracting "you are" to "you're", especially
since she said "I have" instead of "I've"
said.
From no where she produced a long ribbon.
nowhere
"You want to fight me?" Maron asked in disbelief.
Still Maron, I see.
"Of course. A martial artist must be ready to fight at any time,"
Kodachi
said arrogantly.
Miyako's temper got the better of her. "Fine! Where?"
And now it's Miyako again.
"Right here!" Kodachi declared, throwing out the ribbon.
Miyako very nearly got tangled up. "Wait a second! I don't have
Wait a second! Did the ribon completely miss her then? I got a little
confused here.
a
weapon!"
"That's not my fault!" Kodachi said, swinging again. Miyako
watched in
amazement as the ribbon sliced through the sidewalk.
Is Kodachi aiming at the sidewalk? Or did Miyako jump out of the way or
something?
"Careful!!! You could kill someone!"
Kodachi didn't listen, advancing like a cat who had a mouse in its
sight.
Miyako didn't even know what hit her.
When she opened her eyes, she was in her room, Maron, and her
mother,
too many commas here. Lose the one after Maron and the one after mother.
leaning over her. "Thank Kami-sama you're OK," Maron said with
relief.
"What hit me?" Miyako wanted to know, trying to sit up.
"You hit you. You were avoiding an attack, and managed to jump
into a
lamppost. Somehow you sprained your ankle in the fall. Doesn't
look like
you'll be fighting in the match," Maron said with a regretful smile.
"Kuso!" Miyako swore. "She planned it!"
Maron nodded grimly. "Looks that way to me- and now I have to
fight."
Miyako opened to protest, but Maron raised a stilling hand. "Don't
opened what? Her mouth I assume.
worry.
I have an idea."
The next day Maron took a train over to Nerima, looking for a
particular
dojo.
"Konnichi wa," Maron said, bowing at the waist. "Is this the
Tendou
dojo?"
The woman who had answered the door gave a sweet smile. "Why,
yes, it is.
Please, come in."
Maron accepted graciously, removing her shoes and following. "I'm
Tendou
Kasumi," the woman said. "Can I get you a drink?"
The woman's pure niceness rubbed like salt in an aching wound.
That's an . . . interesting mental image of Kasumi.
"Iiee. I
I don't think there are two "e"s in iie. Again, some people aren't going to
know what this means.
just wanted to know if Saotome Ranma was still living here, and if
she was,
if I could speak to her?"
"Oh, you're one of Ranma's friends? I'll go get him." The woman
vanished
I don't think in Japanese that it would necessarily be apparent that it was
a "him" based on this conversation. Personal pronouns aren't used very
often. More likely, Kasumi would have simply used his name the first time,
and the rest would be implied. Left to Maron's imagination, she would still
assume it was a girl. But for the sake of the story, it doesn't matter that
much.
as quickly as she had appeared at the door, and Maron was left
feeling
confused over the mix-up gender references.
He? she wondered. Maybe I have the wrong Ranma... though I doubt
there's
that many Saotome Ranmas out there....
Her thoughts were interrupted as the red-haired girl who had
appeared as
Kodachi's challenger in the video materialized from seemingly
nowhere. The
girl was soaking wet, but that didn't seem to concern her. She
leveled a
suspicious glance on Maron. "Kasumi said one of my friends was
here, but
as far as I know, I don't know ya. So whaddya want?"
Maron's eyes widened. "I saw the video of your contest against
Kuno
Kodachi," she began, and watched as the redhead shivered. "My
teammate was
suppose to face her in a similar match, but the Kuno girl attacked
supposed
her
yesterday, and now Miyako can't fight. I was wondering if you
would be
willing to train me?""
Extra "
Ranma looked Maron up and down. "I really don't have the time-"
Ellipse might be better than a hyphen here
she
started to answer, but was interrupted when an older man with
glasses
slammed her against the wall.
The old man smiled. "She'll do it! For a modest fee, of
course," he
said with a sneaky smile.
Maron wasn't about to argue. She wanted Kodachi's guts for
garters after
what the self-proclaimed "Black Rose" had done to her best friend.
"Hai.
That is understandable- this IS a dojo, after all. How is ten
thousand yen
for the entire course? I only need a week of training."
"Done!" the older man said as Ranma struggled to her feet. "Go on
out,
m'boy, and show this young lady everything you know about Martial
Arts
Gymnastics. For the honor of the Anything Goes School of Martial
Arts!"
Okay, so, like, is there a demon-possessed piece of artwork in the Kuno
mansion? And in Kodachi's case, how would you be able to tell? ^_^
Jennifer
jcaliff@nsai-petro.com http://users.ev1.net/~jcaliff/iserlohn.htm
Actually I am a lab mouse and this is all part of an intricate plan to TAKE
OVER THE WORLD!