There is the occasional nasty bit in here, but nothing he doesn't
deserve... ;)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[SCENE: The living room of the terraced house in Manchester.
CODERSUBI is sitting on a chair placed on the table, raising him above
the other three. ARTSUBI stands to his right, MUSICSUBI slumps in the
sofa to his left. A gaffer-tape bound WRITERSUBI stands before them.]
CoderSubi: Court is now in session, all rise.
[No movement. He glares at MUSICSUBI.]
CoderSubi: I said ALL. [MUSICSUBI offers him the use of two fingers.]
The jury is in contempt of court.
ArtSubi: Can we get on? We don't really need a jury anyway, this
trial is a forgone conclusion.
CoderSubi: Good point. State the case for the prosecution, Mr
ArtSubi.
WriterSubi: MMMPH!
ArtSubi: Certainly M'Lud. The facts of the matter are these; that the
defendant did maliciously and with malice aforethought wilfully
break the oath of the Subis never to create anything concerning
Ranma 1/2, simply because of his unreciprocated romantic infatuation
with one of the supporting characters.
WriterSubi: MMMPH!
CoderSubi: Do you have anything to say in answer to these charges Mr
WriterSubi?
WriterSubi: MMMPH!
CoderSubi: Oh good grief, take the tape off him someone.
[ARTSUBI unceremoniously rips off the gaffer tape covering
WRITERSUBI's mouth.]
WriterSubi: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!
CoderSubi: Is that all?
WriterSubi: No! I will admit to a certain... fondness for Ukyo
Kuonji, but nothing more.
ArtSubi: Pervert.
WriterSubi: Like you're one to talk. What about that picture of
Selphie Tilmitt?
ArtSubi: Available at http://www.gameart.com/4ca/subi-camangselph.jpg
folks.
CoderSubi: That's neither here nor there. Nothing more? Right,
foreman of the jury, how do you find the defendant? Guilty or not
guilty?
MusicSubi: Er... What was the question again?
WriterSubi: Hold on! Hold ON! Can I just quote the exact wording of
the oath?
ArtSubi: He's just stalling now.
CoderSubi: Oh, very well.
WriterSubi: "...never do anything involving Ramna 1/2 or Sailor Moon
that does not involve the unspeakably violent death of the above
named."
ArtSubi: So?
WriterSubi: Oh come on, you didn't really think I was going to let
Ranma off _that_ easily, did you? Take a look at this episode...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
NO OFFENCE INTENDED
If you're mentioned here, it is only because I hold your works in deep
awe and high regard. _Please_ don't get cheesed off. None of you
die, I promise. C&C is always welcome, and flames are attention of a
sort at least... ;)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
THE BIT THAT COMES BEFORE THE TITLES TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU'VE MISSED
I was eight, living with the parents in a village that had been
transported brick-by-brick from its original position in middle
England to just outside Tokyo. My father worked for the Japanese
government, fooling visiting foreigners about the true nature of the
product of the vast silicon chip mines. One day a girl called Tuzi
turned up and claimed to be my sister. Somehow, everyone believed
her, even my parents, despite the markings on her face and the rabbit
ears. But _I_ knew, oh yes.
Tuzi had taken Ranma and gone to the big old house on the hill. I had
secretly followed them and watched the pair climb over the wall and
disappear inside. Upon finding my hand covered in blood after resting
it on the ground I did the predictable thing. Well, actually, I
legged it first _then_ did the predictable thing, all over a tree.
The bloodcurdling scream that rent the air at that moment had me on
the phone to Biles and summoning the rest of the Nerima crowd to
embark on a rescue mission.
What _for_ I can't imagine...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Republic of Desire
Part four: COP OUT! Or SO HOW _DID_ SHE GET CAPTURED?
Subi [22/05/00]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Stakes raise the price high, creature magnify
Strike you, a victim, in cold blood confliction
Taking the winner, 'cause you just my prisoner
Rip out your insides and enter ZZZRRRPPPppp... *CLUNK*
Shampoo picked up the incidental music bloke's SL1200 and lamped him
over the head with it. And they are _heavy_, believe you me. I
realised that this meant she would take no more procrastination (the
last episode _was_ posted to the FFML twenty-eight days ago after all)
and hastily turned to address my troops.
Kuno had slunk out of the shed following his humiliation, trailing his
bokken on the ground and muttering dark and misquoted Edgar Allen Poe
lines under his breath. That just left Akane, Ukyo, Ryoga, Shampoo,
Cologne, Mousse, Nabiki, Kodachi, Tsubasa, Gosunkugi and Kasumi, who
was making tea. Again.
I took Biles aside for a second. "Mousse and Gosunkugi's presence is
confusing me slightly," I said. "Surely they have something of a
vested interest in Ranma's demise?"
"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth," replied Biles. "Maybe at this
age they fancy Tuzi instead."
"And where are all the ADULTS?"
"This is a kiddie adventure, isn't it? The ADULTS are the enemy,
remember? Their job is just to provide ham sandwiches and scones with
cream and jam, and to come in at the end to say 'Good work children!'
when they take the villain off our hands after we've defeated him."
"Well... true."
"Besides which, it's not like Genma gives a toss about Ranma anyway."
"I'm sure he does really. He was probably at a Mah Jong tournament or
something. Or an all-you-can-eat-for-a-yen restaurant. But what
about _her_?" I surreptitiously jerked my thumb, which objected to
being made into a jerk, at Cologne.
"She insisted. Besides, she's nearer our height."
"I bow before your wisdom."
"You will do," he said, with a touch of pride. It was hard to believe
that one day this man would be responsible for the torturing to death
of thousands of FFML subscribers who failed to read the FAQ. Mainly
because he never would, I made that bit up. "And now we've dealt with
the ever-tricky problem of character motivation," he continued, "Shall
we be off?"
I concurred. "Before Shampoo starts beating up the lighting guy or
something, yes."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
With a cry of "Onward!" my cohorts and I trooped out of the shed.
After a brief hiatus we located Ryoga, who had wandered into the
greenhouse and was thrashing about amongst the tomato plants. To
prevent further meanderings, we secured him to Akane on the end of a
length of hosepipe, which he seemed happy enough with, although he did
ask why it had to be such a _long_ length of hosepipe.
It was another brilliantly sunny day, the sun's golden disk hung in a
sky of an azure hue, marred not by a single cloud. We marched to the
war memorial and took the turning towards the eastern woods. In
answer to Shampoo's question I replied that I didn't doubt her ability
to carry all of us on her crossbar, but I doubted my own ability to
say on there. Why she gave me _that_ look I can't imagine, it wasn't
as if it was _my_ fault her reluctant groom had gone and got himself
captured by a psychopathic biogeneticist.
We got to the woods eventually, although it was getting towards
lunchtime. It always takes longer the more people there are, doesn't
it? I called a breather and leaned against the very tree upon which I
had deposited my dinner the previous night. "This place is still
spooky," I remarked. "Even in daylight."
"Try living here," said the tree, its voice shaped from the rustling
of leaves and the moaning of its trunk.
"Thanks," said Biles, who had slumped down beside me. "I'd rather
not. This tree is talking," he continued.
"Of course," I said. "Sorry about fetching up over you last night," I
told the tree, "But I really couldn't wait any longer."
"That's all right," creaked the tree, laying a friendly branch on my
shoulder. "I could see you'd had a bit of a trying experience.
You're not about to do it now are you?"
"No."
"I might," said Biles, nonplussed. "I'm sure trees aren't supposed to
talk."
"Anything can talk if you are prepared to listen," I said.
"Have you been watching too many martial arts shows?"
"They're great, aren't they?" rustled the tree. "'Monkey's my
favourite."
"It _is_ good," I nodded. "You see," I turned to Biles, "It's all to
do with the English countryman's essential oneness with nature. It
breaks down the barriers of language erected long ago between the
flora and the fauna by the Cyth."
"Actually," whistled the tree, "It's more to do with the toxic waste
from those labs your dad does the covering for."
"I'm not that bothered, really," said Biles. "It could be Tsubasa in
disguise for all I know. Yes, that's bound to be it."
"No, he's over there talking to the rowen," said Kasumi. "Anyone for
tea?"
"Three sugars please," said the tree.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I poured a cup of tea (with three sugars) into the tree's largest
knothole and we continued on our way through the woods. It was
probably while we were under the cover of the trees that the sky
darkened and began to rain. Whenever it happened, it was throwing it
down by the time we reached the big old house on the hill. As Ryoga
passed round the umbrellas Biles mentioned that Professor Nova
probably had some weather-effect machine stashed somewhere and I saw
no reason to disagree with his theory. The brollies were a little
heavy, but after we had exchanged them for ones which _weren't_ plated
with neutronium we managed a little better.
As it was daytime, the hired mob of villagers was on duty outside.
Being of small stature we dodged through their legs and made our way
to the wall. If anything it looked higher and more forbidding than it
had the previous night. I turned to Biles to ask his advice. "All
right," I said, "What do we do now?"
"Hmmm," he said. "Well, we could try and convince Ryoga he's on a
date with Akane, in which case he'd knock the wall down with his head
in the course of trying to work out whether or not he's dreaming."
Akane gave us both a filthy look. "Not keen on that one," I said
hurriedly. "Another?"
"How about we get hold of some ramen and tell Shampoo it needs to be
delivered to the house? She's never got the hang of doors." The poor
lad didn't even see the bonbori coming, and it took Kasumi ten minutes
to bring him back to consciousness.
"Okay," I said to the rest. "I'm open to suggestions at this
juncture. Nabiki, put that camera away, I'm not worth blackmailing."
Tsubasa ventured the proposition that he disguise himself as a mailbox
and wait until one of the Professor's servants came out to get the
post, at which point the rest of us could sneak in through the open
door. Mousse began searching through his clothing for the bulldozer
he was sure he had in there somewhere. Gosunkugi made a voodoo doll
in the shape of the wall and started hammering nails into it.
Things got ugly when Shampoo told Mousse his idea was stupid. He gave
his usual response, which caused Shampoo to aim a kick at him. Being
somewhat nimbler than Biles, he ducked in time and the girl flew over
his head and collided with Akane. Akane's riposte missed and thumped
Ukyo, who swung her spatula wildly hitting Mousse just as he was
getting up again. He collapsed on top of Gosunkugi, who lost his grip
on the candle he was holding. The candle sailed into the air and
landed on Ryoga, setting his bandanna on fire. He pulled it off,
threw it to the ground and stamped on it, inadvertently crushing
Shampoo's foot. The bonbori hit Ryoga right in the face and bounced
off with enough force to momentarily stun Tsubasa, who disguised
himself as a Coca-Cola machine with alarming speed and began to inch
forward in an attempt to crush Shampoo, and for that matter anyone
else who got in his way. Before long a decent-sized barny was
underway. Myself and Cologne looked on in exasperation whilst Nabiki
filmed away, doubtless so she could sell the footage to the JWF. I
held my head in my hands. Bringing _all_ of them had been a mistake.
Meanwhile Kodachi had not been idle. It took me a few minutes to
realise that the sounds of the fight were all I could hear. What had
happened to the howling mob of villagers? One look at the many black
roses scattered about the surrounding area told me all I needed to
know. Kodachi cackled.
"She just can't help herself, can she?" I asked Biles, who was sitting
up and rubbing his head as Kasumi fussed over him.
"No. OW! I'm fine Kasumi, honest," he said.
"Tea?" said the angel of mercy, putting away her first-aid kit.
"Three sugars please," I said. Kasumi did the business. "Do we just
wait for them to finish, or what?" I asked Biles, who was having some
difficulty keeping his glasses straight, what with the bandage across
his tender nose and everything.
"Afraid so," he said, slightly nasally. "Just sit back and enjoy it."
"It is quite something I admit," I said in appreciation. "I mean, the
way they can beat seven bells of shinola out of each other without
once letting go of their umbrellas is just stunning."
We watched in silence for a while and I was just about to ask Cologne
if she had any ancient Chinese Amazon techniques for breaking up
playground fights when Biles suddenly sat up, called Kodachi over and
whispered urgently in her ear. She smiled horribly and threw a small
package into the seething mass of martial artists. Within seconds
they were all flat on their backs. "Can't think why I that didn't
occur to me before," said Biles.
"You _have_ just received severe trauma to the cranial area," I told
him.
"True. Do I take three sugars in tea? I've forgotten."
"I didn't think Americans were allowed to drink tea anyway. Isn't it
banned by the Constitution or something?"
"Only if you come from Boston."
Eventually the combatants came round and staggered to their feet.
"Right," I said with some force, "That is _it_. Would everybody who
is clearly mentally unstable please raise their hand." Kodachi
immediately stuck her hand in the air, followed a moment or two later
by Gosunkugi and Tsubasa, while the rest of them looked at the ground
and shuffled uncomfortably. Only Akane and Ukyo continued to look at
me with expressions of determination. Cologne was dozing atop her
staff. I never did find out how she did that.
"You three," I said, indicating the trio currently favouring the air
with their armpit odours, "Will go round to the front gate to cause a
distraction while the rest of us effect an entrance here."
"And take Mousse with you," added Biles. I nodded in agreement.
The four of them shuffled off. We gave them five minutes and then I
asked Cologne to perform the breaking point technique on the section
of wall before us. Brushing the dust from our clothes we stepped into
the courtyard. "Why didn't _you_ think of _that_ before?" asked
Biles. I had no excuse, and merely trudged sheepishly into the
Professor's kitchen garden.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Professor's marrows really were _big_. I supposed that success in
rural vegetable cultivation contests was one of the perks of being a
mad scientist. Although I understood that Washu had beaten Nova at
the previous summers fete. The back door was open and we found
ourselves in a familiar-looking dark corridor.
"Where do you think Ranma will be?" I asked Biles, who had decided
that he was better off just bandaging his spectacles to his face.
"Almost certainly somewhere with water," he said. "It's a genre
thing."
"Well, there was no-one near the pond. Bathroom?"
"Too small."
"Kitchen?"
"Too obvious."
"Ballroom?"
"Too dry."
"I give up. Let's just ask someone." I pushed open the next door we
came to and walked into the room beyond. It proved to be a rather
well appointed parlour. The eighteenth-century furniture, including
some nice dark wooden chairs with floral covers and an ornate coffee
table, was well illuminated by ample light from the large bay window.
Silver tureens rested next to an Ormalu clock on a polished sideboard
underneath a huge picture of Nova in tropical kit, posing with one
foot on the carcass of a dodo.
These details came second to the occupants of the chairs. Though
humanoid in general shape, they were nonetheless big and green. Big
and green and knobbly and three in number. Their hands dwarfed the
delicate china teacups they were holding and they were attired in long
flowing robes, complete with complexly interwoven headdresses. They
looked up from their plates of kedgeree and turned as we entered.
"Are you - Pro-to-cul-ture?" said the nearest in a disturbing
monotone, putting down his cup. Needless to say I was out and
slamming and leaning against that door again before you could say
"Aaagh!"
"Aaagh!" I said. "What the _hell_ was _that_?!" Biles took to
crossing himself and the doorknob took to rattling fiercely.
"Stand back!" said Ryoga. I did that very thing. Biles and I
silently decided to leave this to the professionals and hid behind a
grandfather clock as the others went to it. There was a splintering
of wood as Shampoo threw herself through the door and some pent-up
frustration was relieved.
The battle was short and nasty, and no, I'm not going to make some
cheap joke about Cologne here. Ryoga and Shampoo took out the lead
greenie's upper and lower halves respectively and Ukyo stopped the
second with a WHANNNG of her weapons-grade spatula. Akane proved just
_how_ humanoid the third one was by kicking him in the... midriff,
making him spit his mouthful of tea all over the room.
"Excuse me," I said to the third a few seconds later, as he was the
only currently attentive greenie, if a little cross-eyed. "Would you
happen to know where Professor Nova is?"
"In the - swi-ming-poo-ool," he managed.
I slapped my forehead. "Swimming pool, of course. Why didn't you
think of that?" I said to Biles.
"Why didn't you?" he replied.
"Fair point."
"We're wasting time," said Cologne. She hurried off down the
corridor, stopping short as two identical figures stepped out of the
shadows.
"Come for your sister, have you?" said Alita.
"Arse," I said, with feeling.
"Told you," said Biles.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
You do _not_ argue with the business end of a solenoid quench gun.
"Yes you do," said Biles.
"Eh?" I said. Gally and Alita were a little put out too.
Obviously a demonstration was in order. "Which one's least
important?" asked Gally of her sibling. Alita eeny-meeny-miny-moed
and picked Akane. "Let's rock!" said Gally, hefting the BIG gun and
tightening her finger on the trigger.
Akane's eyes widened and Ryoga leapt into the line of fire. "No!
None shall harm her!"
Alita put her head on one side. "Why not?"
"Because I lo-" began the bandanna boy, but as normal he couldn't
finish the sentence in Akane's presence. "I, I, I, lllll," he tried
again, but ended up staring at the floor with one hand on the back of
his head and the other poking holes in the wall. Akane looked
puzzled.
As Akane was under threat, in accordance with the laws of inevitable
narrative conclusion, Kuno, who we later learned had been secretly
following us whilst simultaneously revising his knowledge of "The
Compleat Works Of Will Shaxberd" from an original Caxton edition,
burst onto the scene from behind the twins. He tripped over Alita's
outstretched foot and landed on the carpet in front of Akane. He was
on his feet in an instant and yelling "None shall harm the fair
Akane!" The girl in question dropkicked him.
I began to feel to flow slipping away from me again. Gally obviously
felt the same way, as her finger retightened and pulled the trigger
all the way. Nothing happened.
"A solenoid quench gun," read Biles from a book he had produced from
his back pocket, "is powered by a laser beam from an orbiting
satellite. Somehow I don't think Professor Nova wants his house
demolished by having about a billion gigawatts of focussed light shot
through its roof. The gun won't work indoors."
"Brilliant," I said. Gally disagreed, and threw the BIG gun at Kuno,
who collapsed. However, the distraction caused by this allowed
Cologne to get a chi-blast off, which disabled the terrible twosome
and allowed us to gingerly step over the bubbling mess and continue.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Eventually we found the swimming pool room. It took longer than it
should have, as we invested some time in losing Kuno in the maze of
corridors. I rattled the big double doors, locked, of course.
Suddenly a scream rent the calm asunder and chilled us to the very
cores of our being.
"Aiyaaa!" went Shampoo, as she hadn't said it yet.
"What was _that_?!" asked Ukyo.
I was inclined to agree. The last time I'd heard noises like that
coming from a swimming pool was when Mr Kenshiro the PE teacher had
been giving swimming lessons. Cologne had more nerve than the rest of
us, or maybe she approved of such methods of tuition, I don't know.
Whatever the reason, she alone was sufficiently collected to bash the
lock in with her staff and push the door open. Apprehensively, we
followed her inside.
As expected, it was Ranma doing all the screaming. He was suspended
from the ceiling by chains attached to all four of his limbs above a
large pool, which stank of chlorine. You can probably guess what's
going to eventually end up happening already, can't you? For now
though, water nozzles surrounded him, obviously spraying him
alternately with hot and cold water as he was changing between a boy
and a girl with great alacrity. The strain was obviously beginning to
tell.
Nova was watching and cackling, and Tuzi was sitting crossed-legged on
the opposite side of the pool cupping her chin in her hands and
looking on with the usual grin on her face. The Gladstone bag I had
seen her pack into her rucksack the previous night rested on the tiled
floor beside her. It looked like it now contained something, a
something that was moving slightly.
"What kind of scientist performs his unspeakable experiments in a
swimming pool?" I asked, taking refuge from the horror in trivia.
"A mad one, obviously," said Biles, doing the same.
"Foolish children!" said Nova, looking away from the writhing Ranma
(oooh! Onomatopoeia!) for a second. "You think I _want_ to get my
lab all wet? Hee ho!"
"What are you _doing_ this for?!" yelled Akane.
"I am trying to determine the exact temperature that brings on the
curse," replied the Professor.
"Why?" asked Nabiki. Kasumi, in an obvious attempt to remain calm,
filled her kettle from the pool. "Don't," continued Nabiki. "He
probably pees in the shallow end."
"Remember to whom you address yourself," Nova replied, standing
upright and tugging on his lapels. "You think, perhaps, I _need_ a
reason? I am a mad scientist! The _greatest_ mad scientist!"
"Tell that to Washu," said Biles.
An expression of pain crossed Nova's face. "Please! Refrain from
mentioning that woman. Her leguminous machinations will not cause her
to triumph at _this_ years jamboree!"
He went off into another round of evil tittering, punctuated by the
occasional chuckle and perhaps the odd guffaw, although some must
surely have been chortles or sniggers. I took the opportunity to
attract my pseudosibling's attention.
"Tuzi!" I yelled. She looked round.
"Mmmm?"
"Why aren't you helping Ranma?!"
"What could _I_ do?" she said, clasping her hands to her chest in
wide-eyed innocence.
"How about what you did to old dribble face back in episode one?" Bet
you thought I'd forgotten that didn't you? Admit it, you did.
Thought so. "In fact," I continued, "How the hell did you manage to
get captured in the first place?! What about your AT field?"
"Are you kidding?" she grinned, dropping the act. "I want to see this
as much as the Professor does."
Ranma chose that moment to explode. Literally. Wet pieces of... red
flew everywhere. Small pieces. In a particularly cruel gesture from
the god of fate the dragon's whisker that held Ranma's hair in check
drifted high into the air, fluttered down on the updraft and came to
rest across Akane's nose.
Nobody moved. Well, actually, Akane dropped to her knees in shock,
Ukyo screwed up her fists and eyes and screamed "NOOO!", Shampoo
fainted, Ryoga threw up, as did Biles and myself, Cologne looked grim,
Nabiki dropped her video camera and Kasumi made some tea. Which was
quite a lot of movement really. Particularly when the other four
suddenly burst in, with several of the Professor's three-headed,
eight-tentacled servants hanging off them.
Mousse had taken his glasses off and therefore couldn't see to avoid
slipping on the piece of Ranma right in front of him. He skidded the
entire length of the room, narrowly missing the pool (not yet, not
yet, have patience), and ended up in a heap on the far shore.
Cologne went up to the Professor. "Do something about this," she
said.
"Why?" he asked, as he smiled and looking down at her. The smile was
a mistake. She delivered an astoundingly vicious blow to his groin
with her staff and he crumpled up. "...red but...ton!" he squeaked.
Cologne jumped up onto the control panel and stabbed the button. A
miniature Alita (or was it Gally?) on a spring POINGed out of the back
of the console and said "Thank you for pushing the red button! While
you are here, you may like to consider the many other buttons which
are available here for your pushing pleasure in a wide variety of
colours." Nova giggled. Cologne ripped the figure from its mounting
and rammed it where the sun was unlikely to shine, unless the
Professor happened to be a nude sunbather. She accepted a cup of tea
(with three sugars) from Kasumi and gave the console a menacing look
whilst Nova squirmed in further agony. Nabiki took the opportunity to
steal his wallet.
The console shifted uncomfortably and beeped. A fairly alarming piece
of apparatus descended from the ceiling and sprayed thin rays of light
at every single piece of Ranma, lifting them off the floor. The bit
on the sole of Mousse's shoe caused him to be lifted up also, but it
peeled off when he was about ten feet up, which resulted in him
cracking his head on the tiles. The machine sucked the pieces into
itself and gurgled.
"Some vacuum cleaner," I whispered in wonder to a similarly stunned
Biles. Cologne gave me the look that said "This is _not_ the time"
and kicked the Professor on the knee.
"Waitwaitwaitoooaaaw!" he said. "Give it timeoooaaargh!"
We did. A fair while as it happens. The machine whirred a little,
that was it. Cologne took to beating Nova about the head and most of
the others joined in.
Akane had levered open the hatch in Nova's head and was using a tazer
on his brain chip when the machine suddenly spat a now whole male
Ranma, completely naked as his clothes were still scattered about the
room, out towards the pool. Unfortunately for those of you awaiting
the usual aquatic shenanigans he hit the diving board and sprang into
the air again, landing on top of Nova.
The customary fight broke out amongst the girls over who got to hug
Ranma, who took it in the expected daze. Sadly, Kuno found us at that
point, charging though the doors waving his bokken (pardon?)
"If you're going to make Freudian gags about Kuno's sword," said Tuzi,
walking around the pool to stand beside me, "You should've started
back in the shed."
Kuno saw the girls hugging Ranma and leapt instantly to the erroneous
conclusion. "Foul lecher Saotome!" Akane punted him to the ceiling
(she can use a mallet if you like) and he fell into the pool. But as
he _wasn't_ cursed, it wasn't nearly as funny as it could've been.
"Let's go," said Cologne. We did, Akane, Ukyo, Shampoo and Kodachi
helping Ranma, still unsteady on his feet, to the doors.
"All that and he never fell in the pool," I said to Tuzi. "Strange, I
could've sworn that was there for something."
"Oh, silly me, I almost forgot," said Tuzi, and looked at Ranma. He
flew backwards at a considerable rate, propelled by an invisible
force, and splashed into the pool, turning female at exactly the
moment Kuno's head broke surface. Glomping ensued.
"Pigtailed girl!" cried Kuno in joy.
"You really are a complete _bitch_, you know that?" I said to her
grinning face.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Later that evening we held a slap-up meal in celebration of Ranma and
Tuzi's liberation. Quite why the others didn't want to beat the
living daylights out of Tuzi after her indifference in the Professor's
house was beyond me. But apart from the odd dirty look, which faded
as soon as it was clear that she had no romantic interest in Ranma,
she had no repercussions.
We were sitting in the Nekohanten, slurping down many a bowl of ramen
at Nabiki's expense. Well, at Nova's actually. Nabiki was paying
with the contents of his wallet. I set down my third (empty) bowl of
the meal and addressed Tuzi. "So why _did_ you take Ranma to the
Professor's house?" I asked.
She licked the sauce off a piece of pork with a quick catlike motion
and grinned. "You know, you're cleverer than you appear, aren't you?"
"Not really," I replied. "I just try and hide my ignorance by using
big words."
"Well, I'll tell you anyway. Take a look in that bag." She indicated
the Gladstone bag I had seen her with earlier, which had not left her
side since and was now under the table. I cautiously edged the top
open and an evil smell issued from within. I hurriedly snapped it
shut again, but the noses of all present had begun to twitch and the
faces behind them turn green.
It was a few minutes before the party settled down again enough for me
to talk with the rabbit-eared girl beside me once more. "You mean...
that creature...?"
"Is in this bag, yes," she said, hoovering up noodles.
"Why?"
"It doesn't belong here," she got serious for a second. "It needs to
go back home."
"Which is wherever you really come from, which is where?" I asked, but
she didn't reply. "More secrets, then." She nodded.
"Have a ciggy," she said. I lit up the proffered tube. "I nicked it
from the Professor," she continued. I put it out again.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
In school on Monday Mr Anno was arrested for tax fraud midway though
the first period, so we took the opportunity to regale our peers with
our tale. The entire class was rapt, with the exception of Kenji &
Tomoko, who were doing something _really_ disgusting in the corner.
I must confess that I got a _little_ carried away. I had just reached
the part where I single-handedly defeated the glowing-eyed ten-foot
demon the Professor metamorphosed into (Biles claimed no knowledge of
that bit, I told him it had happened while he was in the lavatory)
when the loudspeaker in the corner of the classroom crackled and spake
thusly:
"Would all involved in the incident perpetrated this weekend in the
big old house on the hill please report to the headmistresses' office
IMMEDIATELY. Right now. This minute. And don't dilly-dally on the
way."
Her office took up the entire top floor of the junior block. It was
tastefully decorated in the manner of a dojo, plain wooden floor with
wallbars and matting. Screens delicately painted with scenes from
Japanese mythology flanked our entrance and we crowded before the desk
in the centre of the vast room.
The headmistress, a dark-haired woman called Takahashi who was wearing
a voluminous cloak despite the heat, regarded us over the top of her
glasses. "I'll get straight to the point, she said. "Professor Nova
wants his pet back."
Naturally nobody except Tuzi and I knew what she was talking about,
and we were keeping quiet. "I see," continued Ms Takahashi. "Tell
you what..."
"Ye... es?" I ventured.
"I'll forget all about this incident and tell the Professor that we
couldn't find the thieves."
"Oh," I perked up. "Great!"
"But you must first DEFEAT ME!" She leapt out of her chair and onto
her desk, threw off the cloak and posed. She was wearing a black
teacher's cape and a mortarboard, the tassel of which flapped about
wildly with the speed of her movement. She threw textbooks at us with
alarming strength. "Hah! None can stand against the secrets of
SCHOOLMASTER FU!"
"Just try it!" said Ranma, as he and the others slipped into their own
fighting stances.
I looked at Tuzi and Biles as we made our way to the safety of the
corridor whilst much banging and crashing came to our ears from the
direction of the desk. "I think we can leave this to Ranma and the
others, don't you?"
"Definitely," agreed Biles, as the sprinkler system went off for no
readily apparent reason. "And kudos to you for not copping out and
using the barber from hell as the principal. By the way," he
continued, as a now female Ranma ran past screaming with a Shampoo cat
attached to the back of her head, "What do you think those big green
guys were doing in the Professor's house anyway?"
Tuzi just grinned. "Wait and see," she said.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
WHAT THE HELL DID *THAT* MEAN?
The Cyth are from Slaine by Pat Mills, published in 2000AD (the comic,
not the year). Sorry, I couldn't find the proper name. "Cyth" may
even _be_ the proper name. :P
A Technics SL1200 is _the_ classic DJs record deck, since superceeded
by the SL1210. Instant start and virtually indestructable. And
_very_ heavy, as it's direct-drive, not belt-driven. The lyrics are
from "Breakbeat Generation" by the E-Z Rollers, as mentioned last
episode.
I am also well aware of the numerous paradoxes involving the Ranma 1/2
cast, who couldn't possibly know each other if they're only eight
years old. You see that button with "suspend" written on it on the
side of your disbelief unit? Press it, because it's only going to get
worse. ;)
I hope people are enjoying this little trip of mine. I wanted to
write something different, something that hadn't been done before.
Have I invented a new genre? Autobiofics... hmmm. Yes it's an SI fic
(but it _is_ written in the first person after all), yes there's an
all-powerful ACC in here, but it seems to be holding together. And I
assure you all the apparently casual references will become relevant
later. Well, most of them anyway. Nineteen years to go... ;)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[SCENE: The living room of the terraced house in Manchester, as
before.]
WriterSubi: Well?
CoderSubi: Hmmm... Bit derivative.
ArtSubi: I thought it was total bilge myself. I mean, "leguminous
machinations"? I ask you!
WriterSubi: [BEEDAH] Sez you.
ArtSubi: Not to mention the bit near the end where you seem to get
bored of the whole Ranma subject matter and descend unceremoniously
into sarcasm.
CoderSubi: _And_ Ranma didn't die.
WriterSubi: I can't kill Ranma. He's got too much narrative weight
behind him. But you can't exactly claim he had a pleasant time in
that episode.
CoderSubi: True... All right, we'll let you off. This time...
WriterSubi: Hooray!
ArtSubi: ...but it's your round in the pub.
WriterSubi: What?! But I'm supposed to be meeting Ukyo for dinner
later!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subi [22/05/00]
subi@mono211.com
Archive at http://www.gameart.com/4ca
[end]
