Cinders
Wheee!! OW-OW, Hot! Hot! :P
*Has you admitted to the room next to Ranma and Akane.*
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction by June "KaraOhki" Geraci
karaohki@snet.net
May 18, 2000
Akane reached for Ranma, and held onto his hand. It still hurt to
do
that, but she really needed to touch him.
That's become a multi-layered need for her by now.
Absolutely.
[...]
"I wanted you to be honest, so don't you want me to be?" Ranma
waited
for Akane's nod, then continued. "When I woke up in that suit,
and
Pop told me I was getting married, I couldn't believe it. That's
why
I came barging into your room. Then I saw you wearing that
wedding
gown. You looked so beautiful, and I felt so trapped!"
Akane turned away, and began to sniffle. "Well if
Well, if
Whoops
THAT'S the way you
feel about it, just forget it!"
"No! I have more to say, and you're going to listen! You've been
chased enough to know how it feels to be hounded by guys you're
not
interested in. Well I've
Well, I've
Whoops again! ^_^ Of course, if I don't make comma mistakes, you
won't have anything to do!
had that up to my eyebrows with girls! The
only one I ever wanted was you, and I couldn't think of a way to
let
you know without feeling like I'd lost some kind of battle."
"This isn't a war, Ranma."
"Isn't it? Think about the past and tell me that again."
Suggest: Think about all that's happened to us and tell me that
again." (To
say "think about the past" doesn't sound like Ranma-speak to me.)
To be honest, neither does yours. I think I'll leave it as it is.
Akane thought about it. She could picture quiet, happy times with
Ranma, but they were always overshadowed by threats from Kuno,
Shampoo, Kodachi, Ukyo and many others. If she was going to be
honest
with herself, there was more fighting than romance in her
memories.
"No. You're right. It's always been a war. How did we manage to
fall in love through that?"
Ranma smiled faintly. "I don't know. Luck?"
"Maybe."
"There's another reason I didn't want to marry you that day, you
know.
I thought you were going along with it so I could get cured."
Akane's
shocked expression surprised Ranma. "You said you knew I loved
you.
You also said I'd regret it if I didn't marry you. Did you say
you
loved me anywhere in there, or did I miss it? I kinda needed to
hear
it, you know!"
If Akane's hands had hurt less, she would have slapped Ranma.
"Well
so did I!"
"Well, so did I!"
"So why didn't you say something, Akane?"
"Well why didn't YOU?"
"Well, why didn't YOU?"
What, again? (hits herself with a carrot)
The two of them glared at each other for a few seconds. Then they
began to laugh. Ranma took Akane into his arms and held her
gently.
"We're a couple of stubborn idiots, aren't we?"
"Uh-huh."
*****
It felt so good to have Akane in his arms that Ranma let her
snuggle
for a little while. Then he forced himself to get back to
talking.
Suggest: Then he forced himself back to talking. (You use 'get'
twice in the
next sentence.)
Will try to fix that somehow.
If they didn't get things talked out now, while they had quiet
time to
spare, it would never get done. Kasumi had practically ordered
him to
talk to Akane. She had said their relationship depended on it.
He
loosened his grip and gently pushed Akane back.
"We need to keep going. Kasumi said so."
"Kasumi said what?"
Ranma clenched his fists. It was a lot easier finding something
or
somebody to hit than it was to talk.
Yeah, that's about right. :)
Thanks.
[...]
"Okay, then I'll answer it in two parts." Ranma sat for a minute,
trying to sort out his thoughts. "It's my fault you got hurt. If
I
hadn't been in so much of a hurry to get at that water, Shampoo
and
Ukyo wouldn't have been able to throw those bombs at us. If I'd
told
you the truth about how I felt, maybe I wouldn't have wanted to
rush
out and get the water. You tried to make me admit how I felt, and
I
was a coward. I decided right then not to be a coward anymore.
In spite of all that's occurred, this admission feels like it's too
easy on
his part. Suggest: ...and I was a...a c-coward. I decided right then
not to
be, er, one anymore. (Just a suggestion. :)
No. He gets to stutter later!
[...]
Mousse stuck his head through the kitchen doorway. "She was
putting
the medicine in the jars a few minutes ago."
"It's here, but she isn't. Maybe she went upstairs."
"I'll look for her. Owwww!" Mousse rubbed the lump on his head
caused by Cologne's staff.
"Get back to work! I'll go upstairs."
Mr. Part-time strikes again. Hmm, is there a double meaning in that?
:P
Nope.
Cologne ran upstairs, a terrible premonition making her feel a
little
bit ill. As she suspected, Shampoo's bed was made, and the room
was
tidy and mostly empty. The note on the bed confirmed her
suspicions.
"Great-grandmother,
I'm going home.
I can't keep going to the hospital, only to see the
distrust on
Ranma's face, and the anger on Akane's. She tries to hide
it, but I don't think she will ever forgive me for what I
did.
Why
should she?
Formatting error. Might want to narrow the right margin on this so
that you'll
have a better chance of it formatting properly on any given email
client.
Also, narrowing the right margin is consistent with block quoting in
general
(I think), and it will only serve to emphasize that this is special
text.
You'll have to force it with hard returns, but I do that, too.
I did have hard returns, and have no idea why it did this. I'll see
what I can do.
When I apologized to them, I said I meant no harm. I don't
think Akane truly believed me. Why should she trust me? I
nearly killed her in China.
Things can never be the same. There's no reason for me to
stay here anymore."
"No," whispered Cologne. "There isn't.
Suggest: "No," Cologne whispered, "there isn't.
Yes, it sounds better.
As soon as I can, I'll come
home too."
*****
Akane felt safe and warm in Ranma's arms. She was also finally at
peace. There was no reason for her to doubt Ranma's reasons for
marrying her. No matter what anyone said or did he was hers, and
she
was his.
Suggest (although I'm not dead certain about this - it just parses
better to
me): No matter what anyone said or did, he was hers and she was
his.
okay
{...]
The doctor patted her hand. "Don't worry. Your white blood count
is
a little high, that's all. You have a slight infection." He
pointed
to the IV bag. "That's an antibiotic. It should clear up the
infection within a few days."
Ranma interrupted. "Wait a second! How could somebody get sick
in a
hospital?"
Oh, gee. Let me count the ways... (That wasn't a criticism of your
dialogue,
BTW. :)
I worked as a secretary for the Infection Control Department at our
local hospital some years ago. Believe me, nosocomial infections are
quite common (unfortunately). I recently had a friend nearly lose her
husband because he contracted a very serious infection while in the
hospital. (And I know you're not making fun of the dialogue.)
[...]
"No! Listen to Shampoo, Ranma. If Shampoo real Amazon then Akane
dead by now. Ranma dead or married to Shampoo by now. Shampoo
would
be home in village where she belongs!" Shampoo clenched her
fists.
"Shampoo hate Japan, where people treat her badly because she no
born
here!"
"How do you think I would have felt if I had to live in your
village
when I didn't want to?"
Ranma's question made Shampoo stop short. For a moment her
emotions
were plain on her face, but then her pride re-asserted itself.
"Wishes of mere male not important! Tradition is only thing that
matters."
Hehehe. Touche, Ranma-kun. Of course, he only got through with that
idea while
her defenses were down. Good timing, June. :)
BIG smile!
"Then why are you giving up and going home?" Ranma would have
said
more, but Akane's elbow in his ribs made him think twice about it.
"Because Ranma most stubborn male Shampoo ever meet! Worse than
stupid Mousse!" Shampoo gestured toward Akane. "Akane keep
Ranma!
Then Ranma give Akane headache, and not Shampoo!"
With those words, Shampoo picked up her pack and left. Ranma held
his
breath until the door closed.
That scene went perfectly right, I thought. Said what she had to and
got the
hell out.
Thanks. I've received a little private criticism of the departure of
the Amazons. I believe Shampoo knew she'd lost in China, and her
attack on the wedding was a last desperate attempt to change things.
She knows she made things even worse, so why keep trying?
*****
"She's really gone. OW! Hey, I'm burned there, ya know!"
"I'm sorry, Ranma, but you make me so mad! How could you ask her
such
a stupid question?"
"What question?"
Akane raised her eyes toward heaven, and prayed for patience.
"You
asked her why she was giving up and going home. That could have
made
her change her mind!"
"Ack!"
"Maybe you should lock the door."
"Heh. She'd just make a new one."
Point. :j
Yup, Ranma's getting the points this chapter!
[...]
*****
Ranma watched Akane sleep. After the doctor left them a gowned
and
After the doctor left them, a gowned and
thank you
masked nurse had brought them a snack. Akane tried to refuse it,
but
the nurse insisted that both Ranma and Akane needed the extra
calories. Once the nurse explained that burn victims needed extra
nutrition in order to recover Akane stopped protesting and ate.
She
complained of pain and weariness afterward, hit the button on her
pump, and went to sleep.
[...]
"Oh. That sounds good."
"More than good. One of the ingredients can only be found in
China.
To be specific, it can ONLY be found in Joketsuzoku.
Extra space in previous sentence. *ZZZAAAP!* Gotcha! :P
OWWWWWW
[...]
He hadn't gone more than a step before Nabiki stopped him.
"Please come with me. I'll see what I can do about getting you
in."
The pair left the school grounds together, ignoring the stares
from
their fellow students.
It's details like the last sentence that serve to remind us just how
much in
the public eye Ranma and the Tendou girls and Kunou, etc., are. I
think we, as
writers, forget that once in a while.
It's a nosy school, isn't it?
[...]
Nabiki took a firmer grip on the flowers and headed for the
elevator.
The smile she had forced onto her face for Kuno's sake was gone.
She
wanted desperately to get somewhere quiet before she faced either
Ranma or Akane. She also didn't want Kuno to see how terrible she
felt.
Akane was sick, and it was her fault. She was the one who invited
too
many people to the wedding, especially people guaranteed to cause
trouble. It was her fault that Akane and Ranma ended up in the
hospital, and now Akane had come down with an infection.
I think this plays out well. It would take something of this order
to bring
Nabiki to a sense of remorse - she shows damn little of it
otherwise.
Thanks!
[...]
A soft mutter made Nabiki look up from her work.
"Akane." Ranma stirred, and turned over onto his side. Nabiki
noted
the anxious look on his face as he reached out and felt around
until
he found Akane. She was unable to keep from crying when she
watched
him pull her sister into his arms and hold her close. Then she
forced
herself to stop crying and calm down. Crying was NOT on the
agenda.
:) Awww, c'mon, Nabsy! Let it all hang out... ;)
Nabiki cried so loud that she woke Ranma. "I've gotta be dreaming,"
he muttered, then he turned over and went back to sleep.
There, are you happy now?
[...]
"There's nothing wrong with my hearing, Akane." Nabiki shrugged.
"Maybe he's finally growing up." Then Nabiki put on what Akane
thought of as her "business" manner.
Suggest single quotes for 'business'; double quotes already have a
job.
single quotes are for quotes within a quote, as far as I know.
[...]
"Nope. I didn't want Pop getting his hands on MY seal and using
it,
so it's still hidden in my old room at your place. Just unplug
the
lamp and take off the base. It's in there."
"Gotcha. There's just one more thing I want to talk to you about.
Kasumi said she told you about following your parents home, right
Ranma?"
...parents home, right, Ranma?"
--or--
...parents home. Right, Ranma?"
I like the second better.
Ranma nodded, and Nabiki watched his expression change.
"You're really mad at your father, aren't you?"
"Mad doesn't begin to describe it. Wait until I see him!"
"Well I
"Well, I
GRR!
have an idea you might want to hear."
Ranma and Akane listened intently to Nabiki's plans. By the time
she
was finished speaking
speaking, (time reference)
OK
both of them were smiling broadly.
"Glad you like the idea. Just remember to do what I said the next
time any of the family shows up."
Nabiki stood, and reached for her school bag. "I brought your
assignments from school"
Missing punctuation. school."
Corrected
[...]
"Don't worry about it. Let's get that medicine on so you stop
itching."
Akane just sat there. A tear rolled down her cheek, but Ranma
couldn't tell from her expression whether she was upset or it was
one
Suggest: ...upset or *if* it was. (Whether usually has a companion
preposition... I think. Gah. Well, it parses better to me, anyway.
:) )
Hmmm
of those cases where (to his complete confusion) girls cried when
they
were happy. That was a mystery he had yet to solve.
Well, for once, his instincts didn't desert him. :)
:)
Rather than try to figure it out, Ranma grabbed one of the jars
Cologne had dropped off and began to apply the medication to
Akane's
head. Akane closed her eyes, a look of profound relief on her
face.
"That feels SO good!"
"Want me to do your back?"
"Please."
Ranma undid the back of Akane's pajama top. As he applied the
medicine, he looked closely at her burns.
"Your back looks a lot better. This stuff really works."
"Really?" Akane sounded relieved. "I noticed that my legs look
pretty good."
"How about your chest?" Before Akane could reply or Ranma could
think
about what he was doing, he turned her around, pulled her top off
her
shoulders, and removed it. Akane turned quite red--her blush
went
all the way to her waistline--but she made no move to cover
herself.
After a minute she looked at him rather impatiently.
"Well?"
"I think you're beautiful."
"Oh, Ranma."
All right, who is this and what have you done with Ranma? :P
*whacks you with a carrot*
[...]
"Look out!" Akane cried. Ranma let go of Akane with one hand and
grabbed the tray just before it left the table. However, neither
he
nor Akane noticed that Ranma's water pitcher was also sliding off
the
table, and it landed on both of them.
"This is not fun," said girl-type Ranma.
"No, it's not," agreed his fiancee.
Hehehe. Water seeks him out. Sooner or later, they're going to have
to adjust
to his girl form, I keep thinking. It also occurs to me that you've
studiously
avoided dealing with that issue in your fics. Hmmm? :P
I'm not about to join the large group of writers that has them making
girl/girl love. Sorry. Akane doesn't hate his girl form, but she
likes him better male.
[big snip]
He didn't doubt his love for Akane, or hers for him. What worried
him
was the trouble they would encounter. The only thing he knew for
certain was that no one or nothing was ever going to hurt his
Akane
again.
Once Ranma had come to that conclusion he was able to relax and
sleep.
Once Ranma had come to that conclusion, he was able to relax and
sleep.
Got it.
*****
"What do you think, Akane?"
Akane looked in the mirror Kasumi was holding up for her. She saw
a
girl in an embroidered jacket, wearing a pretty hat. The hat made
it
impossible to see that she had no hair.
"I like it!" She turned to Nabiki and gave her a grateful smile.
"Thank you!"
"You already did that, Sis. Are you ready over there, Ranma?"
"I've been ready for a half hour," growled Ranma. "You've gotta
be
kidding!"
LOL!!! Grooms...
Can't you just picture him steaming mad, yet getting very nervous?
[...]
*****
Neither Ranma nor Akane heard Nabiki. They simply stared at each
other. Ranma reached out to pick up Akane's hand, but couldn't
quite
make it. The girls took that as a hint and pushed the beds back
together.
Mr. Nakazawa opened his briefcase and took out a document. "I
don't
mean to rush you, but I'm due back in my office in 30 minutes."
>From that point,
Unix glitch - always puts a pointer in front of "from" when it
starts a
sentence. Nothing you can do except live with it or rewrite the
sentence.
I'll live with it
time seemed to fly as Ranma and Akane read and signed
the marriage certificate, and confirmed their signatures with
their
seals. Mr. Nakazawa took the certificate from them and replaced
it in
his suitcase.
"Congratulations, you're married."
Geez, what a bureaucrat. (Nice bit of characterization, though.)
He's been blackmailed, he's in a hurry, and he's not too happy being
there.
Ranma looked skeptical. "We are?"
"Well, once I get back to my office and register this, you will
be."
"Th-thank you."
Mr. Nakazawa stopped long enough for Nabiki to thank him, and was
gone. Nabiki closed and locked the door, and smiled at Ranma.
"Come on, Ranma, are you going to kiss her or not?"
NODOKA: And how are you going to consummate your marriage?
RANMA: Very carefully.
AKANE: *nods vigorously and pushes the pain medication button a
couple of
times...*
You are wicked! Wait and see, my friend. Thank you so much for your
assistance.
June