Cinders
Wheee!! OW-OW, Hot! Hot! :P
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction by June "KaraOhki" Geraci
karaohki@snet.net
May 18, 2000
Akane reached for Ranma, and held onto his hand. It still hurt to do
that, but she really needed to touch him.
That's become a multi-layered need for her by now.
[...]
"I wanted you to be honest, so don't you want me to be?" Ranma waited
for Akane's nod, then continued. "When I woke up in that suit, and
Pop told me I was getting married, I couldn't believe it. That's why
I came barging into your room. Then I saw you wearing that wedding
gown. You looked so beautiful, and I felt so trapped!"
Akane turned away, and began to sniffle. "Well if
Well, if
THAT'S the way you
feel about it, just forget it!"
"No! I have more to say, and you're going to listen! You've been
chased enough to know how it feels to be hounded by guys you're not
interested in. Well I've
Well, I've
had that up to my eyebrows with girls! The
only one I ever wanted was you, and I couldn't think of a way to let
you know without feeling like I'd lost some kind of battle."
"This isn't a war, Ranma."
"Isn't it? Think about the past and tell me that again."
Suggest: Think about all that's happened to us and tell me that again." (To
say "think about the past" doesn't sound like Ranma-speak to me.)
Akane thought about it. She could picture quiet, happy times with
Ranma, but they were always overshadowed by threats from Kuno,
Shampoo, Kodachi, Ukyo and many others. If she was going to be honest
with herself, there was more fighting than romance in her memories.
"No. You're right. It's always been a war. How did we manage to
fall in love through that?"
Ranma smiled faintly. "I don't know. Luck?"
"Maybe."
"There's another reason I didn't want to marry you that day, you know.
I thought you were going along with it so I could get cured." Akane's
shocked expression surprised Ranma. "You said you knew I loved you.
You also said I'd regret it if I didn't marry you. Did you say you
loved me anywhere in there, or did I miss it? I kinda needed to hear
it, you know!"
If Akane's hands had hurt less, she would have slapped Ranma. "Well
so did I!"
"Well, so did I!"
"So why didn't you say something, Akane?"
"Well why didn't YOU?"
"Well, why didn't YOU?"
The two of them glared at each other for a few seconds. Then they
began to laugh. Ranma took Akane into his arms and held her gently.
"We're a couple of stubborn idiots, aren't we?"
"Uh-huh."
*****
It felt so good to have Akane in his arms that Ranma let her snuggle
for a little while. Then he forced himself to get back to talking.
Suggest: Then he forced himself back to talking. (You use 'get' twice in the
next sentence.)
If they didn't get things talked out now, while they had quiet time to
spare, it would never get done. Kasumi had practically ordered him to
talk to Akane. She had said their relationship depended on it. He
loosened his grip and gently pushed Akane back.
"We need to keep going. Kasumi said so."
"Kasumi said what?"
Ranma clenched his fists. It was a lot easier finding something or
somebody to hit than it was to talk.
Yeah, that's about right. :)
[...]
"Okay, then I'll answer it in two parts." Ranma sat for a minute,
trying to sort out his thoughts. "It's my fault you got hurt. If I
hadn't been in so much of a hurry to get at that water, Shampoo and
Ukyo wouldn't have been able to throw those bombs at us. If I'd told
you the truth about how I felt, maybe I wouldn't have wanted to rush
out and get the water. You tried to make me admit how I felt, and I
was a coward. I decided right then not to be a coward anymore.
In spite of all that's occurred, this admission feels like it's too easy on
his part. Suggest: ...and I was a...a c-coward. I decided right then not to
be, er, one anymore. (Just a suggestion. :)
[...]
Mousse stuck his head through the kitchen doorway. "She was putting
the medicine in the jars a few minutes ago."
"It's here, but she isn't. Maybe she went upstairs."
"I'll look for her. Owwww!" Mousse rubbed the lump on his head
caused by Cologne's staff.
"Get back to work! I'll go upstairs."
Mr. Part-time strikes again. Hmm, is there a double meaning in that? :P
Cologne ran upstairs, a terrible premonition making her feel a little
bit ill. As she suspected, Shampoo's bed was made, and the room was
tidy and mostly empty. The note on the bed confirmed her suspicions.
"Great-grandmother,
I'm going home.
I can't keep going to the hospital, only to see the distrust on
Ranma's face, and the anger on Akane's. She tries to hide
it, but I don't think she will ever forgive me for what I did.
Why
should she?
Formatting error. Might want to narrow the right margin on this so that you'll
have a better chance of it formatting properly on any given email client.
Also, narrowing the right margin is consistent with block quoting in general
(I think), and it will only serve to emphasize that this is special text.
You'll have to force it with hard returns, but I do that, too.
When I apologized to them, I said I meant no harm. I don't
think Akane truly believed me. Why should she trust me? I
nearly killed her in China.
Things can never be the same. There's no reason for me to
stay here anymore."
"No," whispered Cologne. "There isn't.
Suggest: "No," Cologne whispered, "there isn't.
As soon as I can, I'll come
home too."
*****
Akane felt safe and warm in Ranma's arms. She was also finally at
peace. There was no reason for her to doubt Ranma's reasons for
marrying her. No matter what anyone said or did he was hers, and she
was his.
Suggest (although I'm not dead certain about this - it just parses better to
me): No matter what anyone said or did, he was hers and she was his.
{...]
The doctor patted her hand. "Don't worry. Your white blood count is
a little high, that's all. You have a slight infection." He pointed
to the IV bag. "That's an antibiotic. It should clear up the
infection within a few days."
Ranma interrupted. "Wait a second! How could somebody get sick in a
hospital?"
Oh, gee. Let me count the ways... (That wasn't a criticism of your dialogue,
BTW. :)
[...]
"No! Listen to Shampoo, Ranma. If Shampoo real Amazon then Akane
dead by now. Ranma dead or married to Shampoo by now. Shampoo would
be home in village where she belongs!" Shampoo clenched her fists.
"Shampoo hate Japan, where people treat her badly because she no born
here!"
"How do you think I would have felt if I had to live in your village
when I didn't want to?"
Ranma's question made Shampoo stop short. For a moment her emotions
were plain on her face, but then her pride re-asserted itself.
"Wishes of mere male not important! Tradition is only thing that
matters."
Hehehe. Touche, Ranma-kun. Of course, he only got through with that idea while
her defenses were down. Good timing, June. :)
"Then why are you giving up and going home?" Ranma would have said
more, but Akane's elbow in his ribs made him think twice about it.
"Because Ranma most stubborn male Shampoo ever meet! Worse than
stupid Mousse!" Shampoo gestured toward Akane. "Akane keep Ranma!
Then Ranma give Akane headache, and not Shampoo!"
With those words, Shampoo picked up her pack and left. Ranma held his
breath until the door closed.
That scene went perfectly right, I thought. Said what she had to and got the
hell out.
*****
"She's really gone. OW! Hey, I'm burned there, ya know!"
"I'm sorry, Ranma, but you make me so mad! How could you ask her such
a stupid question?"
"What question?"
Akane raised her eyes toward heaven, and prayed for patience. "You
asked her why she was giving up and going home. That could have made
her change her mind!"
"Ack!"
"Maybe you should lock the door."
"Heh. She'd just make a new one."
Point. :j
[...]
*****
Ranma watched Akane sleep. After the doctor left them a gowned and
After the doctor left them, a gowned and
masked nurse had brought them a snack. Akane tried to refuse it, but
the nurse insisted that both Ranma and Akane needed the extra
calories. Once the nurse explained that burn victims needed extra
nutrition in order to recover Akane stopped protesting and ate. She
complained of pain and weariness afterward, hit the button on her
pump, and went to sleep.
[...]
"Oh. That sounds good."
"More than good. One of the ingredients can only be found in China.
To be specific, it can ONLY be found in Joketsuzoku.
Extra space in previous sentence. *ZZZAAAP!* Gotcha! :P
[...]
He hadn't gone more than a step before Nabiki stopped him.
"Please come with me. I'll see what I can do about getting you in."
The pair left the school grounds together, ignoring the stares from
their fellow students.
It's details like the last sentence that serve to remind us just how much in
the public eye Ranma and the Tendou girls and Kunou, etc., are. I think we, as
writers, forget that once in a while.
[...]
Nabiki took a firmer grip on the flowers and headed for the elevator.
The smile she had forced onto her face for Kuno's sake was gone. She
wanted desperately to get somewhere quiet before she faced either
Ranma or Akane. She also didn't want Kuno to see how terrible she
felt.
Akane was sick, and it was her fault. She was the one who invited too
many people to the wedding, especially people guaranteed to cause
trouble. It was her fault that Akane and Ranma ended up in the
hospital, and now Akane had come down with an infection.
I think this plays out well. It would take something of this order to bring
Nabiki to a sense of remorse - she shows damn little of it otherwise.
[...]
A soft mutter made Nabiki look up from her work.
"Akane." Ranma stirred, and turned over onto his side. Nabiki noted
the anxious look on his face as he reached out and felt around until
he found Akane. She was unable to keep from crying when she watched
him pull her sister into his arms and hold her close. Then she forced
herself to stop crying and calm down. Crying was NOT on the agenda.
:) Awww, c'mon, Nabsy! Let it all hang out... ;)
[...]
"There's nothing wrong with my hearing, Akane." Nabiki shrugged.
"Maybe he's finally growing up." Then Nabiki put on what Akane
thought of as her "business" manner.
Suggest single quotes for 'business'; double quotes already have a job.
[...]
"Nope. I didn't want Pop getting his hands on MY seal and using it,
so it's still hidden in my old room at your place. Just unplug the
lamp and take off the base. It's in there."
"Gotcha. There's just one more thing I want to talk to you about.
Kasumi said she told you about following your parents home, right
Ranma?"
...parents home, right, Ranma?"
--or--
...parents home. Right, Ranma?"
Ranma nodded, and Nabiki watched his expression change.
"You're really mad at your father, aren't you?"
"Mad doesn't begin to describe it. Wait until I see him!"
"Well I
"Well, I
have an idea you might want to hear."
Ranma and Akane listened intently to Nabiki's plans. By the time she
was finished speaking
speaking, (time reference)
both of them were smiling broadly.
"Glad you like the idea. Just remember to do what I said the next
time any of the family shows up."
Nabiki stood, and reached for her school bag. "I brought your
assignments from school"
Missing punctuation. school."
[...]
"Don't worry about it. Let's get that medicine on so you stop
itching."
Akane just sat there. A tear rolled down her cheek, but Ranma
couldn't tell from her expression whether she was upset or it was one
Suggest: ...upset or *if* it was. (Whether usually has a companion
preposition... I think. Gah. Well, it parses better to me, anyway. :) )
of those cases where (to his complete confusion) girls cried when they
were happy. That was a mystery he had yet to solve.
Well, for once, his instincts didn't desert him. :)
Rather than try to figure it out, Ranma grabbed one of the jars
Cologne had dropped off and began to apply the medication to Akane's
head. Akane closed her eyes, a look of profound relief on her face.
"That feels SO good!"
"Want me to do your back?"
"Please."
Ranma undid the back of Akane's pajama top. As he applied the
medicine, he looked closely at her burns.
"Your back looks a lot better. This stuff really works."
"Really?" Akane sounded relieved. "I noticed that my legs look
pretty good."
"How about your chest?" Before Akane could reply or Ranma could think
about what he was doing, he turned her around, pulled her top off her
shoulders, and removed it. Akane turned quite red--her blush went
all the way to her waistline--but she made no move to cover herself.
After a minute she looked at him rather impatiently.
"Well?"
"I think you're beautiful."
"Oh, Ranma."
All right, who is this and what have you done with Ranma? :P
[...]
"Look out!" Akane cried. Ranma let go of Akane with one hand and
grabbed the tray just before it left the table. However, neither he
nor Akane noticed that Ranma's water pitcher was also sliding off the
table, and it landed on both of them.
"This is not fun," said girl-type Ranma.
"No, it's not," agreed his fiancee.
Hehehe. Water seeks him out. Sooner or later, they're going to have to adjust
to his girl form, I keep thinking. It also occurs to me that you've studiously
avoided dealing with that issue in your fics. Hmmm? :P
[big snip]
He didn't doubt his love for Akane, or hers for him. What worried him
was the trouble they would encounter. The only thing he knew for
certain was that no one or nothing was ever going to hurt his Akane
again.
Once Ranma had come to that conclusion he was able to relax and sleep.
Once Ranma had come to that conclusion, he was able to relax and sleep.
*****
"What do you think, Akane?"
Akane looked in the mirror Kasumi was holding up for her. She saw a
girl in an embroidered jacket, wearing a pretty hat. The hat made it
impossible to see that she had no hair.
"I like it!" She turned to Nabiki and gave her a grateful smile.
"Thank you!"
"You already did that, Sis. Are you ready over there, Ranma?"
"I've been ready for a half hour," growled Ranma. "You've gotta be
kidding!"
LOL!!! Grooms...
[...]
*****
Neither Ranma nor Akane heard Nabiki. They simply stared at each
other. Ranma reached out to pick up Akane's hand, but couldn't quite
make it. The girls took that as a hint and pushed the beds back
together.
Mr. Nakazawa opened his briefcase and took out a document. "I don't
mean to rush you, but I'm due back in my office in 30 minutes."
>From that point,
Unix glitch - always puts a pointer in front of "from" when it starts a
sentence. Nothing you can do except live with it or rewrite the sentence.
time seemed to fly as Ranma and Akane read and signed
the marriage certificate, and confirmed their signatures with their
seals. Mr. Nakazawa took the certificate from them and replaced it in
his suitcase.
"Congratulations, you're married."
Geez, what a bureaucrat. (Nice bit of characterization, though.)
Ranma looked skeptical. "We are?"
"Well, once I get back to my office and register this, you will be."
"Th-thank you."
Mr. Nakazawa stopped long enough for Nabiki to thank him, and was
gone. Nabiki closed and locked the door, and smiled at Ranma.
"Come on, Ranma, are you going to kiss her or not?"
NODOKA: And how are you going to consummate your marriage?
RANMA: Very carefully.
AKANE: *nods vigorously and pushes the pain medication button a couple of
times...*
:P
Great stuff, June. Keep 'em coming!
Ja!
Dave
*******************************************
D.F. Roeder
FanFiction - http://www.flash.net/~dfroeder/index.html