Numb
By: Dreiser
I know what it is to be something other than yourself. To
no longer know who you are anymore.
I was Miura Kyoji but now I'm Bilka.
I'm not sure that I want to be either of them. No matter
which of them I am, no matter what life I lead, it always ends in
sadness.
All I ever wanted was to protect her.
To be strong enough to keep her safe, to be strong enough
to make her smile, to be strong enough to help her love me forever
and until the end of time.
But I never was strong enough. He was always stronger
than me. Always. Now and then.
Tate Masanari. Yawaru. The both of them. One and the
same, both stronger than me, both possessing her love, both able
to protect her when I cannot.
It rips me up inside.
Once... before my sleeping soul was reawakened, I had
absolute confidence in myself. In who I was and what I was meant
to do in this world.
My confidence has all but gone with the wind. How can I
keep it when he constantly defeats me at every turn?
Maybe she was right to choose him over me. I love her but
I can't protect her. I'm not strong enough.
I try, and I try, and I try, and I try, but still...
I'm not strong enough.
That knowledge makes me feel numb inside. Like I'm
drowning inside, like my soul is melting away, and the only thing
that remains of me is an empty shell.
He told me once that I lacked focus. A true goal. That all I
was fighting for was the love of a woman.
The way he said that... as if it was a small thing. Something
petty to fight with him over.
When it's anything but. It's the only reason to fight. It's the
purest reason in the world.
I fight to protect her. I fight because I love her.
Why does he fight? He fights for power. He fights for his
warped ideals. He fights for his own selfishness.
He can no longer feel love so why doesn't he feel the way
that I do right now? Why doesn't he feel numb?
Maybe... maybe it's because he's so numb that he can't
even recognize the dulling of his own emotions.
Trapped beneath the surface of the ocean of his own tears,
trapped and unable to do anything but look up and scream silently
against his fate.
We're all numb now. All of the sleeping souls. We no
longer know who we are or what we want to do.
The only thing we know is how we feel.
Numb.
-End-
The character of Miura Kyoji is from the series Nazca. I just
finished watching the third video and I was just floored by Kyoji
getting beaten AGAIN. I mean, c'mon! Does this guy ever win a
fight in this series?! Honestly, when I saw him lying there and the
tears of helplessness in his eyes I felt so sorry for him. And I just
knew somehow that he had to be feeling so numb, so empty, on
the inside. I guess that's where this little fic came from. Ah, this
series is cool. Now if the good guys would just start winning! Heh.
Send comments to: Dreiser1@ix.netcom.com
Chat with me on ICQ! My ICQ # is: 37674780
Thanks to Red Death all of my fanfics are archived at:
http://www.lvdi.net/~reddeath/dreiser.htm
"Because you were from a perfect world. A world that's threw me
away today."
-Marilyn Manson-