Jitou wrote:
It's funny, when I first sent out the prologue,
I got a ton of responses. When I sent out the
entire first chapter, less than half replied.
I wonder why? ^_^
In my case it was mostly due to lack of time. But this is the standard
pattern. You'll get a lot of basic 'nice concept, let's see where yo go
with this' and not hear from the person again. One of these days I'll write
a little theory as to the why's of this phenomena. :)
<snipped the prolgoue I already reviewed.)
Boyu Productions
Presents
========================
MASTER BATTOUSAI
========================
The Romance of a Meiji Mosquiton
Got the other second and third tapes of this series. Got to get around to
watching them one of these days.
i. The Man who Fights for Love (of blood) ^_^ (v1.1)
Drop the '^_^' it's a bit distracting and tries to hard to be cute.
"Are you really the Battousai?"
"Battousai Jr. if you must know. It's why I'm so short."
"Huh?"
"Are you really Densetsu no Hitokiri Battousai, who killed
one hundred men in one hour, on his flight from Kyouto before he
disappeared?" she asked, her voice tight with skepticism.
"Actually it was only four, and they were all drunk, but it did only take
me twenty minutes."
He picked himself up, fully clothed all of a sudden,
I'd rephrase 'inexplicably fully clothed,' seems to flow better to me.
"Is this the legendary Shin-Uchi, that could kill an oni in
one stroke?" she beamed with excitement, and grasped the hilt in
her hand. Oh, it sang with power! This had to be it! Her mind was
filled with visions of the majesty of this sword.
And then she saw the rust spots on it.
"ORO!" Kenshin looked up, following the trajectory of the
hurtling sakaba with his clear eyes. Moving his feet deftly,
That seems awkward again, though it might have more to do with style than
anything else. Perhaps something more along the lines of 'Almost gliding
across the floor' or something that flows a little better. It's a minor
quibble at best.
"How did you know my name?" she was getting peeved.
There was something he wasn't telling her.
He walked over to her side and looked back at her as he
answered, his clear lavender eyes regarding her quizically, as if
wondering why she didn't know, as the
'since the answer' sounds better to me
answer was so obvious.
That attitude just ticked her off even more.
"Your servant is the Battousai, Inaho-dono," he held the
sakaba and its saya in his hands, then turned to face her. With a
grand flourish, made less grand by his unimposing visage,
hehehe
he
dropped to one knee, and lay the sword before her. He bowed his
head. "It is nice to see you again. De gozaru yo."
It is
was
interesting to note that any effect such a gesture might
have generated was lost when his bowed head revealed a pair of
dark-tinted glasses staring up at her from the top of his head.
heh.
"Hear me, my friends!" a
A
man, robust and energetic, took
center stage in the square. He spoke with eloquence, with the voice
of a man who was used to dealing with people.
A politician or a car salesman then. In either case, kill him immidiately.
A resounding cheer from the audience.
cheer came from
that flew across the sky, casting its winged silhouette against the
moon. All the time, a strange, rumbling drone could be heard, like
the noise of an angry ghost.
Casper was on the warpath.
Since then, strange things had
happened across the village. Cart wheels had broken, dogs and
other livestock were restless, a roof had even caved-in at the tavern
by the docks. Clearly these were omens of something foul to come.
Either that or the town was just run-down
"All of this is apparently the work of a dark sorceress!" the
chief continued. The crowd gasped, aghast at the declaration.
"Old Buck here saw her with his own eyes!" the chief
motioned to a grizzled old man by his side. His clothes were
tattered and ragged, the worn
the sort worn
by hunters, yet badly weathered by
age.
Just like the hunter wearing them.
His hair was graying, covered under a dingy, graying cap. His
face haggard and unshaven, but his eyes were different. Whereas
the rest of him cried old age and idleness, his eyes were wide and
clear. Perhaps brought back to life by what he had seen, what he
had witnessed.
Or the alcohol that he had just consumed.
her face, her face! That face, so smooth'ly white n' round, with
large beady eyes! It were the demon made flesh, I tell yer!" His
eyes went wide, wider than they had previously been. He was on
the verge of raving.
'Verge'? Sounds like he's in full blown raving mode to me. :)
{"Achoo!" Inaho sneezed.
"Oro?" Kenshin asked.
"Ah, nandemonai!!" Inaho said sheepishly.
"OHOHOHHOO!!"}
Set that off better somehow.
This drew gasps of horror from the rest of the villagers.
Some openly wept, others looked like they were about to faint.
"Please, God, NO!!" someone shrieked.
"I am afraid it is true," the mayor continued. "She was seen
heading through the woods, carrying a strange box that gave out
'off' sounds better to me than 'out'
an
eerie light, surely some device of her foul magic.
Like a flashlight or something.
Nods of consent among all the grim faced individuals
present.
consent were among
"Hiru!" a villager cried.
"Yes, Hiru!" another joined.
"HIRU! HIRU! HIRU! HIRU!" the chant was taken, and
soon the village was of one mind. Hiru was their salvation. The
mayor called a man over, and gave him instructions to summon
Hiru.
Unfortunatly, Hiru had moved away several months ago, but since everyone
had previously shunned him, no one had known.
ad
had
"Ah, Inaho-dono, where are you going?" a flustered
Kenshin said, a red hand-shaped welt on his left cheek. It accented
the criss-cross markings on his cheek.
same cheek or other cheek? You might want to mention it.
"Are you upset? De gozaru
ka?"
She was really, really peeved. The sarcasm dripping from
her voice could melt metal.
Luckily the castle was made of stone.
She reached the entrance to the castle,
and she quickly stormed out. Quickly
You already mentioned she was moving quickly in the last sentence.
she headed down the ridge,
wanting to put all this non-sense
nonsense
//The rain fell heavily, a continuous outpour. She ran. She
ran for what seemed an eternity, her bare feet splashing through the
mud, the cutting wind biting through her drenched yukata.
In the distance, the howl of an inhuman beast could be
heard, terrible, terrifying, horrendous to listen to.
The lawyers were gaining on her.
The trees gave way, into a clearing of a sorts. Signs of a
scuffly,
scuffle
cult. They were everywhere, in front of her, behind her, in the
spaces between the trees, all around. They carried in their hands
pitch forks, shovels, anything that may
might
Yet though they towered above her, they all looked
I'd change this 'looked' to 'regarded' since you use a 'look' later in the
sentence
at her
with guarded, frightened looks, as if she were the plague herself.
A man stepped up. He shouted something in a strange
tongue, something she didn't quite understand. The rest of the mob
grunted in agreement, and they readied their makeshit
?
I think you meant to say 'makeshift' there. :)
"Sorcery!"
"Witchcraft!"
"A damned good swordhand!"
Perhaps it was because he was dull from lack of practice
and depravity. Perhaps it was because of her superior training as
heir to the schools of Kasshin Ryuu. Perhaps it was because of the
strength of her desperation or ambition. Whatever the case, she
raised her shinai in time, to
drop this comma
Gohei's katana slammed with a twang on the shinai, but the
sound was of metal striking solid rock, not wood.
She's doing a good job. I'm impressed.
Gohei spat. "Little girl, that's the decrepit philosophy of
your father. And where did it get him?"
Not much farther than Gohei, obviously.
Gohei grabbed her vest in his meaty fist, raising her up
above his head. The look in his eyes were
was
"A sword is a deadly weapon," Kenshin said.
"Fighting techniques are what perfect killers."
"This will always be true."
"But this servant prefers what Inaho's family believes to
that truth."
pact of blood!"
drop the end quotes from every sentence after 'weapon," since this is
kenshin talking continuously.
Gohei studied this man, the bullshit he just said. Something
told him this man was dangerous. The way he handled those
villagers was proof of that. Something clicked in his memory, of
the time he was still in the land of nippon.
"You, yes, I think I know you. Red hair, scar on his cheek.
Tiny balls. :)
going to destroy you." Gohei took his sword in both hands, and
raised it overhead. This was his strongest technique, satsujinretsu-
giri. It would cleave him in half.
If it's going to kill himself, he'd better not use it then. :)
I'd rephrase it as 'cleave his opponent in half."
The impact smashed him into the ground, where he lay still.
By now, the villagers had all dispersed, running into the
night in fear.
Only to be devoured by a pack of hungry werewolves
***
Jikai, Master Battousai de gozaru!
Three fates, one destiny. When one plays with fire, one is
bound to be burned. What lies in a man's soul, when his entire
world is seen through the flames of hell?
Jelly beans. I know this from personal experience, I assure you.
=== BLAH, BLAH, BLAH (i.e. - Long and Boring Author's Rant)
take note, people, this is the best place to put author's notes. Most
people tend to look over them if you put them in the start.
Nice work. Will try to get to the others later.
D.B. Sommer