Jitou
Finally! At long last, I am able to comment on (and read) the
rest of this work. I apologize for the unbelievably long time it took for
me to work on this. ^_^;
"Are you really Densetsu no Hitokiri Battousai, who killed
one hundred men in one hour, on his flight from Kyouto before he
disappeared?" she asked, her voice tight with skepticism.
Though I did comment on the first half of this fic, my old eyes
did not catch this little grammar error. ^_^ I think you need to delete
the comma after "one hundred men in one hour" as it is
unnecessary and interrupt the flow of the sentence.
"Ah, katana de gozaru ka?" he shuffled over to a nearby
sword rack. With a confidence that belied familiarity, he picked
out a sword, in its saya, and headed back to her. He held the sword
out to her, hilt first.
I believe you need to capitalize the "he" in "he shuffled
over. . ."
<snip the town square scene>
I liked how you added this scene into this chapter. ^_^ It will
be very interesting to see how Inaho and Kenshin deal with this angry
mob. (By-the-bye, I couldn't help but think of the angry townspeople
scene in Disney's "Beauty and the Beast"--"Let's kill the Beast!" ^_^)
He paused, looking at the rest of the audience, feeling his
words seep in. They were hanging on his words now, as intent as
they were upon the strange happenings in the town of late.
I think you need to change the tense of "feeling" to "felt." I
wish I can explain exactly _why_ the tense must be changed, but I believe
it's because the two main verbs in this sentence, "to pause" and "to
feel," must be written in the same tense
Clearly these were omens of something foul to come.
I believe that there needs to be a comma after, "clearly."
"Old Buck here saw her with his own eyes!" the chief
motioned to a grizzled old man by his side.
I believe that the "the" of "the chief" needs to be capitalized.
His clothes were tattered and ragged, the worn by hunters, yet badly
weathered by age. His hair was graying, covered under a dingy, graying cap.
There seems to be something that is rather awkward and incorrect
in "the worn by hunters." I assume that you meant, "the kind of clothing
worn by hunters." Also, I think that the phrase, "yet badly weathered by
age" should immediately follow after "tattered and ragged" since both are
describing the man's dress.
"Buck, can you tell us what you saw?" the chief prodded.
Again, the "the" needs to be capitalized. ^_^
<snip Buck's dialogue>
Thar's gold in them thar hills, I tell yer! ^_^ Although Buck is
only a minor character in this work, he's already one of my
favorites. You have a wonderful knack of using and conveying idiosyncracies
of speech (i.e. dialect). It's a trait seldom seen in fanfiction--and
it's even seldom seen in today's published prose. Wonderful,
wonderful! This quality is a succinct, vivid and colorful way of
describing a person's character. (Not to mention an amusing one.) You've
already employed this in Kenshin's dialogue. ^_^
"Thank you, Buck," the mayor quickly intervened, wary of
letting him get carried away. He turned back to address the crowd.
Again, "the" in "the mayor" needs to be capitalized.
Some openly wept, others looked like they were about to faint.
"Please, God, NO!!" someone shrieked.
I don't know why, but this short line had me cracking up! ^_^
<snip the rest of the gathering-of-townfolk-scene>
Awesome! Wonderfully hilarious. You have a real knack for
comedy. ^_^ Truly, my sides split from an excess of laughter.
if feeling that his presence was unwanted, that he was a trespasser
in this place, this domain that was not his.
I think you need to place the "that" in "this domain. . ." I
think it should be "that this domain was not his." (Although your way of
placing it does work, it just seems to flow better if you placed it
somehere else. Of course, I could be just a grammatical dictator, bent on
conforming everyone's grammar to my twisted, iron grammatical rule. . .)
She was really, really peeved. The sarcasm dripping from
her voice could melt metal. She reached the entrance to the castle,
and she quickly stormed out.
Quickly she headed down the ridge, wanting to put all this non-sense
behind her.
Yet for some reason, she couldn't. The reason being, this
small child-like thing following close behind her, his nagging dialect
ringing in her ears.
I think a "that" needs to be placed after "the reason
being." Also, I think your word choice is a bit off (at least, in my
humble opinion). ^_^; I think "nagging" is the wrong word to
use: Kenshin's voice is probably more aggravating or
exasperating. "Nagging" seems to connote more of a repetitious, scolding
voice/words.
scuffly, a great battle actually, and her worst fears were confirmed.
In the middle of the clearing...
I think you meant "scuffle" instead of "scuffly."
She continued on, quivering a bit with rage and
disappointment.
I think the "a bit" ruins the intensity of Inaho's feelings. In
my opinion, deleting "a bit" would make her rage and disappointment much
more immediate and powerful.
<snip Kenshin's dialogue concerning the stone>
Wow! I love how you inserted this dialogue in the middle of the
"Mo-chan" scene. By inserting this, it intensifies the seriousness, the
eerie-ness and the dangerousness of the quest as well as
heigtening the silliness and comedy of the "Mo-chan" bit. Also, by
placing it thus, it emphasizes these qualities and in consequence, piques
the reader's interest. ^_^ Very, veyr nice. ^_^
raised her shinai in time, to block his massive overhead strike.
I think the comma can be deleted after "in time."
Gohei grabbed her vest in his meaty fist, raising her up
above his head. The look in his eyes were menacing. She closed
her eyes, writhing from the anticipation. A tear slid down her
cheek.
Methinks this rather like another memorable scene in the "Rurouni
Kenshin" manga. ^_^ Nice way to work this into your fic (that is, if I'm
correct in my surmise.)
"A sword is a deadly weapon," Kenshin said.
"Fighting techniques are what perfect killers."
"This will always be true."
"But this servant prefers what Inaho's family believes to
that truth."
"You will not harm Inaho-dono. This shall be, upon the
pact of blood!" (de gozaru yo! ^_^)
Gohei studied this man, the bullshit he just said. Something
told him this man was dangerous. The way he handled those
villagers was proof of that. Something clicked in his memory, of
the time he was still in the land of nippon.
<cut out Inaho's glomping scene>
Great way to end an action-packed, tense-filled scene. ^_^ You
really have a genius for comedy and drama. ^_^
They had made their way down the trail, through the forest,
taking care to avoid going closer to the village. It had taken a few
Delete the comma after "trail."
hours, and the moon was already dipping and the pre-dawn gray of
the little hours of the day was already creeping up the horizon.
Hmm, I think you need to change this sentence. Harsh as this may
be, it doesn't make sense. ^_^ I think what happened was is that you
combined two different phrases/sentences into one sentence.
<snip Inaho's and Kenshin's embarkment and Gohei's vow>
Wow! What a great way to end the chapter! Excellent! ^_^
COMMENTS SO FAR:
Spectacular! I'm eagerly waiting (to read) the next
chapters. ^_^ Aside from the few grammatical errors, the chapter was
skillfully written. ^_^
B.Na
P.S. I bet you were quaking in your sandals at the thought of
Ms. Nit-picker looking at your fic. ^_^
P.S.2 Apologies for not getting this out sooner to the list. ^_^