Grayson Towler <grayson@rigroup.net> wrote:
Commenting on second half only, since I've already tendered my thoughts
about the first half.
Sorry I took so long in responding. I don't really have an excuse; just
a case of the post-convention blahs.
* Meanwhile back home, Mikado Sanzenin claimed (falsely) that he and
Ukyo are engaged as part of a revenge scheme against her, and Nodoka has
recently begun making their wedding plans. Neither of the two wants to
marry, but neither wants to be the one to back out.
I have to confess that this part of the story has yet to capture my
interest. Both the characters seem so shallow and self-centered -
given the immature way they've acted to get into this whole marriage
predicament, especially now that they're adults rather than teenagers -
that it's hard to really care about either of them
The impression I get (from the few people who responded to this) is that
this particular sub-plot isn't inspiring a lot of interest. Oh well,
can't win 'em all. Though maybe people will like this one better when
they see where it's going.
And I can't believe it worked. Not that the soldiers wouldn't fall
for it - that's likely enough. But there are SO many ways that
plan could backfire. Ranma's crew could get splashed by water
>from a spring (they wouldn't have to fall in - all the gunfire and
explosions kick up a mess), or even worse, one of the enemies
falls into one of these rare but truly dangerous springs, like the
Pantyhose Tarou or Rouge ones (or the Spring of the Drowned
Reikoku, which fortunately does not appear in this fic).
Anyway, when you set this up I was primed for something to
go wrong. Takahashi law practically demands it. I have to
confess that I was a little disappointed that things went as
smoothly as they did.
I see your point. My original thinking was that because a
Jusenkyo-related mishap *was* so expected, that to truly surprise the
mishap would have to be an unrelated one. Now, I'm not so sure. I'd
really like to hear some more opinions on this.
I can't put my finger on why this part doesn't work for me - that is, the
whole Ukyou/Mikado dynamic. It is true, the essence of Takahashi-san's
humor is often miscommunication, and people's stubborness in the face
of their problems. In much of the Ranma storyline, the characters have
problems which SHOULD be easy for a reasonable person to solve, but
of course they persist in behaving unreasonably. Ukyou and Mikado are
following that same pattern... but for some reason I can't warm up to
liking either of them. I don't know what you can do about this, but perhaps
someone else will have some inspiration.
This subplot is going to be on the back burner for a little while as we
wait for other elements of the story to catch up. After that... we'll
see.
Mu Si flew in duck form towards the middle group of foes,
dragging his robes beneath him. As he landed, he morphed back to human
Does he really have to drag his robes beneath him? I mean, he can use
his hidden weapon techniques in his duck form. I've always assumed he
simply hides his clothes the same way he hides everything else, which
is why he doesn't have the same problems with his wardrobe when he
transforms that everyone else does (when they do have a problem, that
is - Ryouga, Genma, and Shampoo frequently transform fully-clothed, for
the traditional no good reason).
I know Genma's clothes seem to appear and disappear, but I don't
remember it happening for the others. I mentioned the clothes in an
attempt to head off people wondering whether Mousse was naked during the
rest of the battle. I could leave off the mention if people like it
better that way.
Kodachi followed behind, and the Attack of a Thousand Clubs battered
another group of opponents into unconsciousness. One of them, from his
insignia, was a captain, surely the high-ranking officer of the platoon.
What delightful rules these children invented for their little games.
It was a little jarring to have the "overhead" narrative suddenly zoom in to
Kodachi's perspective for a sentence. Perhaps it could be something
like: "She laughed in amusement at the delightful rules these little men
invented for their games."
Okay, that sounds reasonable.
A gunshot flashed. Tatewaki collapsed to the ground, clutching
at his chest. He staggered in shock, trying to stand as he watched his
blood trickle down into a puddle on the ground.
Wouldn't this be a fine time for a Shakespearean death speech?
Or at least a badly-wounded speech.
Nah, nobody paying attention anyway.
There's something I've been waiting for in this story which hasn't happened
yet - I was kind of expecting it to happen in this fight. I think I'd like to see
some reminders of who these people have become over the years. Right
now, they could almost be their teenage counterparts, except perhaps for
Kunou. But Ranma and Akane are married, and have children. Same with
Ryouga. Don't you think that would give them a different perspective -
especially in a deadly fight like this? Maybe it would make them hesitate,
maybe it would make them fight harder, maybe it would make them more
afraid of being killed... I don't know. It depends on the person. But I'd like
to see SOME acknowledgement of that.
This sounds like a very good idea. I'll work some of this into the
revision of this chapter somewhere.
Genma-panda, currently grappling with five soldiers, looked up.
"Urh?" Two of the remaining Mongols leveled their guns in his direction.
He held out a sign that read, UH... HELP?
This was funny. You might consider another sign which say
"I'm just a harmless panda" or "Don't shoot - we're endangered."
Some people might find this too jarring in the middle of a serious
firefight, but I didn't.
Not sure if the addition might be a bit much, but I'll consider.
Enough was enough. Tomorrow, he was going to speak with Kasumi,
tell her exactly what he'd done, take whatever punishment she'd give
him, learn her technique if she'd teach it to him.
But he has a perfectly good excuse now! "I fell into one of those
springs during the fight." How odd that he looks so much like
Akane's pet from so long ago, but it's a reasonable excuse, isn't
it?
Stop peeking at my outline for the next chapter, okay? :)
"Um, hello?" He reached out to tap the unknown person's
shoulder, and he or she slid down to the ground.
"he or she" sounds so politically correct. Maybe "the figure" instead.
Okay... I was trying to reflect Ryoga's confused state of mind, but I
agree that it didn't work very well as written.
"They've...." Ryoga gasped for breath. "They've killed Kodachi!"
And there was much rejoicing. UM! I mean lamentation! Yes,
of course.
TATEWAKI: You make the death of my sister into an occasion for
celebration? Why was *I* not invited?
No, seriously, an excellent cliffhanger.
So was what Kasumi saw a premonition of death?
Maybe. :)
It occurs to me that (here I am harping on this subject of Ranma and Akane
concerned about their children) you have an opportunity to make their decisions
more ambiguous. Say Akane (probably, but possibly Ranma) gets freaked out
by seeing Kunou shot. "That could have been me. I could be dead now. My
children would have to grow up without me." Maybe they aren't so certain that
they should stay around now, convincing themselves that the worst danger is
passed and that Shampoo and her people can take care of themselves. Do they
seem selfish because of that? It isn't clear-cut. But then Kodachi's death
changes the picture rather radically, and they realize the danger here is still
very much present. So they decide to stay.
Just my thoughts - hope they are of some help.
Yeah, definitely some interesting things to think about.
Looking forward to seeing what the next wave of adversaries are like. I
think you've played the soldier angle well enough, but I find myself hoping that
the next enemies are a bit more in the martial arts/supernatural critters vein.
And I like the fact that you killed off a major character - it raises the stakes
for the whole story. Appropriate in this tale.
This will be the last time our heroes fight *only* soldiers, though
they'll still be around. They've had their chance, and now it's time for
more capable oppnents to take over.
Best of luck with further installments,
As always, thanks very much for the comments and suggestions.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html