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TOCATTA AND FUGUE
By J. S. Levine AKA Patch Monkey
:) That's an original pseudonym!
"One can pursue one's creative urges.spiritual urges.and physical urges.
All have a place in the wll lived life." Lord Byron
Wll? And why do you have periods in between the urges? (Just asking, not
pointing anything out, yet until I know that it was intended to be like
that...)
Ranma looked all around before setting down his bento.
He
felt out with his aura to make sure that none of the more rabid martial
artists in Nerima were around, and pulled a small woodcarved flute out
of an
inner pocket in his red Chinese shirt. <I haven't played for the
longest
time. I hope I've still got it>, he thought. <Few of these things I
have
are so precious. I know the arts of war...I know the works of
Shakespeare,
I can defeat the greatest of the Chinese Amazons, yet I can't reveal who
I
am to the girl I love. I've got a mother who doesn't quite grasp modern
reality, even though I love her, and a father who is, for all intents
and
purposes, a complete an utter moron. The Art is all, he says. The Art
is
nothing without all other Arts. Music in motion. Acting on the stage.
The
stroke of a brush. Anything Goes is a fusion of all, a representation
of
all of human history and human ingenuity. And a brilliant man who needs
women's underwear to survive invented it, and its heirs are a man who
hides
his own soul and a woman blinded by fury. How ironic.>
Well... is he actually Ranma, or a guy that looks like Ranma? Ranma isn't
so "polite." At least, he's not in the dubs I've seen. ^^; As for "felt
out with his aura," how 'bout something like "probed out", something more
exciting than "felt out"? "A complete an utter moron"... Should that be
"and utter moron"? You must've left out the d! <:)
And with that, a tune began, and carried over the hills
of
the field our Artist sat upon, and conveyed his soul to the world, if
only
the world would listen. It would begin much like this, a rolling
cresendo
of both despair and happiness. And someone heard his song as she rode
on
her bicycle, and paid it no heed, save the fact that she felt someone's
despair and that same person's salvation on that tune. But who it was,
she
would never know. But she knew the feeling of one whose despair and
salvation were the same, as she often felt that way about the young man
she
loved, a young man who often wore a red shirt of her country.
Crescendo, perhaps, instead of "cresendo"? A simple misspelling, I
think...
And then two people at last heard, and one felt her
heart
surge at the knowledge that even though it couldn't possibly be the boy
she
loved who saved her many a time and even brought her back to life, she
felt
that maybe, no, absolutely he loved her and that even though it couldn't
possibly be him playing, because he couldn't play a flute or anything
anyway, and even if he was a jerk and all that, that she loved him too
and
that soon she would tell him.
Comma, comma, comma... No, I'm not saying it's a run-on sentence, even if
it is, because this one isn't the kind that is one because there's no
punctuation, but if you stuck a comma before that last clause, it'd be...
I dunno... nicer? Don't listen to me.
Perched upon a staff of wood and standing outside the
Nekohanten, a woman whose wisdom and knowledge was almost all-knowing,
sat,
frowned, and realized that the young man playing the flute could never
become a part of the Amazons by marriage, and that he loved another, and
even if he didn't love her, he would never ever love her
great-granddaughter
other than as a friend, and that she had to go talk to him and learn his
story. It did not hurt that she as well knew the song that the young
man
played.
If she's perched on the wood, then how could she stand? And if she's
standing, did she sit as I think she did? Maybe you could enclose "whose
wisdom and knowledge was almost all-knowing" in commas, to set it apart
from "a woman sat," in order to make it clearer.
"Old ghoul, what do ya think you're doin'? I wanted to
be
all alone."
Maybe just alone?
"I highly doubt that, child. In fact, I am most
surprised
at how well you can act. I had my suspicions, but the song you just
played
confirmed them." spoke Cologne.
Comma after "them" instead of a period, because it's part of the sentence
that ends with "spoke Cologne."
"Honored Elder, would you mind playing with me again for
another moment? I don't wish to speak quite yet," asked Ranma.
AH, so I was right! It's, hee hee, NOT Ranma. ^_^ At least, not as we
know him...
<Wait a sec. Son-in-law? I bet he agreed to get married
to
that Chinese bimbo. I'm not just gonna hurt him. I'm gonna kill him.>
"RAAAAAAAAANNNNMAAAAAAA!"
What an idiot. >_<;;
Mallet at the ready, Akane charged towards Ranma, swung
down, and realized three things. One, she missed. Two, she no longer
had
the aforementioned mallet. And three, Ranma was smiling at her. This,
of
course, was a sign that things were about to get infinitely worse.
<That jerk had never been able to stop her mallet before. If he could,
why
didn't he? Was he toying with her? She'd kill him. Playing with her
like
that.> "What are you doing here with her?" queried Akane, as another
mallet
began to manifest.
Maybe "demanded," instead? I know, it's used a lot, but "queried" brings
to mind 'curiously.'
"Hold on, I said that in proper language. Of course no
one
here but Cologne and Dr. Tofu would understand that. Let me
try that again in Ranmaese. Akane, I ain't never marrying Shampoo! I'd
much rather be married to a beautiful tomboy like you!"
"RANMA YOU what?!!?" Akane never had a chance. She fainted.
Hee hee. ^_^
So anyway, please, please, please give me some ideas. Do you like it?
Do
you hate it? Should I shoot my computer to prevent something like this
in
the future? Write me, please! I have no life! I haven't hate a date
for
months!
Wait! Just criticize my writing!
Well, I don't think I should criticize it, considering how nice the prose
was. :) I liked it, especially those bits where you described how the
music sounded and floated about Nerima, but... are you intending to reveal
as to why Ranma doesn't really talk the way my Ranma talks, or as to who
he really is under that crude exterior?