----- Original Message -----
From: Jason Wong <dojo@ihug.com.au>
To: FFML postings <ffml@fanfic.com>
Sent: Wednesday, May 17, 2000 9:17 AM
Subject: [FFML] [Fanfic] [Ranma] [Darkish] Way of the Ninjitsu Side Story 1
apparent for that - but two years of working under the same
master had instilled a comradeship of sorts. Indeed Jiro
'camaraderie' instead of 'comradeship'
All it took was the momentary flash of nightshade black, and he
shouted a summoning to his bodyguards. In an intense surge of
fear burning through his psyche as his hired protection were
roused, there was a brief instilment of calculating logic. Kazawa,
in foresight to such a possibility had procured his own body of
specialised guardians, who were now surging into the room in a
blur of speed which credited their background. After all, was it not
best to fight fire with its own essence?
It's a weird sounding paragraph; the meaning tends to elude me
unless I reread it. Here's a few suggestions:
*
All it took was the momentary flash of nightshade black, and he
shouted a summoning to his bodyguards. AS HIS HIRED PROTECTION WERE
AROUSED, AN INTENSE SURGE OF FEAR 'BURNING THROUGH HIS PSYCHE' (needed?)
BROUGHT A BRIEF MOMENT OF CALCULATING LOGIC. Kazawa, in ANTICIPATION
OF such a possibility had procured ... who were now POURING into the
room in a blur of MOTION which WAS A CREDIT TO THEIR ABILITIES/SKILLS.
*
When seemingly out of nowhere another figure in black interposed
itself before her, she was caught totally unawares. The colouration
of the assailant forced an instant's hesitation lest she unwittingly
strike out at a friend.
Isn't she a master, the one that taught Kagora? It seems ...
uncharacteristic of a master to expect no resistance, not be alert
for ANYTHING unusual, and assume something that interposes itself in
her path is not a threat while on an assassination mission.
Especially since you mention she's participated in more of these in
the past. Maybe this is a result of the more experienced masters
heading off to war, or the clan members were forced to become
masters earlier, but considering how little masters there are,
this seems unlikely. Even if this is the case, some justification
would be nice to explain this fact.
Taking one clear look at the visage revealed, the assassin master
immediately dumped the body, calling out to her squad.
I'm tempted to say this is a dangling preposition, but being a few
years removed from my last grammar class, I'd rather not. Suffice it
to say the sentence sounds a bit awkward. Perhaps your intention was
something like this:
*
Taking one clear look at the REVEALED VISAGE, ... or perhaps
AN INSTANT AFTER GETTING A CLEAR LOOK AT THE FACE, ...
*
And came up empty handed. Oh yes, that's right - that was his last
sai.
D'oh!! Heh, a brief moment of levity in a serious passage. A nice
touch.
"Why did you tarry so long, Tomira?" That assault cost us heavily
because of your delaying." In truth there were no fatalities, but two
The second " shouldn't be there.
"Provided that is we ourselves were actually identified."
Provided that we were actually identified.
"Yes, and we hope for diplomacy's sake the Kenzan were unable
to name their enemy tonight."
Yes, and hope for...
<tiny spoilers for the main story here>
Woo woo! Another chapter of "Way of the Ninjitsu", even if it's a
side story. I liked this story a lot, and I think it'll go a long
way towards making Kagora a lot less ... mysterious in the main
story. He always seems to have an air of ... ambiguity around him,
even when he's showing Ranma his curse. (A dog? *chuckling*) A
glimpse into his past makes Kagora seem a lot more human.
As always, I look forward to more of "Way of the Ninjitsu", be it
main or side stories (main stories preferred, though ^_^).
Regards,
Dokushinsha
http://www.freeyellow.com/members5/dokushinsha/index.html