And again, where these come from even I don't know. ^_^
Kenko/Robert Haynie-- Author of Girl Days, Paragon,and Redheads-- and
part-time memetic virus. (Resistance is futile. You will all be assimilated
and funny.)
-- Attached file included as plaintext by Listar --
-- File: 3goddessgruff.txt
Fairy Tales For Otaku 2.5
The Three Goddesses Gruff
By Robert Haynie
(And if you think I own Oh, My Goddess, you're out of your MIND.
That's the property of... Um... er... someone else.)
####
Once upon a time there were three sisters. The three sisters
happened to be goddesses, which is pretty good work when you can get
it, certainly better than the usual milkmaid or shepherdess that is
typical in these sorts of tales.
There was a eldest goddess, and a middle goddess, and a youngest
goddess.
One day the eldest goddess went off to pick wildflowers. Well,
actually, she went off to get a few bottles of sake, but while doing
that she planned to pick wildflowers because that's the sort of thing
one does in fairy tales so as to get into trouble. Besides, certain
wildflowers are very useful in the making and manufacture of love
potions.
As she traveled, she began to pass over a bridge. Now, under
this bridge lived L. Ron. Hubbard--
What?
Oh, wrong kind of bridge. Sorry. No, under THIS bridge lived a
troll.
The troll leapt up onto the bridge and snarled, "Hah! I'm going
to eat you up!"
The eldest goddess looked at the troll, smiled a smile that was
best described as sultry, and replied, "You sure I'm not going to eat
YOU up, cutie?"
"Huh?" replied the troll.
The eldest goddess sidled up to the troll, and purred, "I'm not
usually into trolls, mind you, but you might be an exception. Now,
what kind of thing are you into anyhow? You look like the grape
jelly and electric gerbil type..."
The troll had just realized that (a) the goddess was very
beautiful, (b) was dressed in what could only be described as a
revealing style of dress, (c) was suggesting something that he
couldn't QUITE visualize, but was certainly something that his mother
wouldn't approve of, and (d) his nose was beginning to bleed.
"Ah, y-you don't understand. I mean, I intend to have you for
supper--"
"Oh, you prefer a date first? I like that, the proper type."
"I mean, you ARE supper. I intend to ea-- to ingest you."
"Oh." The eldest goddess looked rather disappointed. "Well,
that would be a waste. Frankly, as food I'm going to be pretty
inadequate. Now, my younger sister..."
"Who?"
"Well, she's about the tenderest, sweetest morsel you ever did
see. Personally, if I were you, I'd wait until she comes by. She
should be passing this way in a while."
"You would?"
"Sure. You sure you aren't into grape jelly and electric
gerbils?"
"Ah! Yes! Very sure!" the troll replied, waving his hands.
"Damn shame. Always wanted to try that. Well, ja!" And the
eldest goddess went on her way, whistling. It was a few moment
before the troll realized that he's had missed his chance. Cursing
under his breath, he returned to his spot under the bridge.
A while later the middle goddess DID start to pass over the
bridge, and the troll leapt out, crying, "Hah! I'm going to eat you
up!"
The middle goddess stared at the troll. "Oh, dear. Why do you
want to do that?"
Taken aback, the troll replied somewhat weakly, "Um... because
I'm hungry?"
"Oh, I see. But I can't say it seems like a very polite thing to
do."
"Oh. Well, uh, I AM a troll, and we... we aren't supposed to be
polite..."
"I don't suppose I can ask you not to?" The middle goddess just
looked at the troll with an expression of near infinite niceness.
Weakened in his resolve, the troll silently waved the middle
goddess past, wondering how even HE could bring himself to eat such
in incredibly nice person.
As she passed, the middle goddess said, "Thank you very much,
Troll-san. Hmm. My little sister will be coming by in a while and I
suppose if you must eat anyone, you can try to eat her. Although I
still think it's not very polite, but as you said, you are a
troll..."
The troll returned to his post under the bridge with a very sour
expression indeed.
Soon enough the youngest goddess started to pass over the bridge.
Somewhat less enthusiastically than before, the troll leapt onto
the bridge and said, "Hah. I'm going to eat you up."
The youngest goddess just blinked at him, and held something out.
Wordlessly, the troll accepted the object. It was round, it was
shiny, he didn't know what it was--
KA-BOOOOOOOM!
As the troll stood stunned by the explosion the youngest goddess
removed from her back a somewhat larger than average mallet and
flattened him. "Stupid bugs," she grumbled as she walked over the
bridge-- and incidentally the troll.
The troll dragged himself to his usual post and resolved never to
accost a goddess again. It wasn't good for his health.
The next day he got his butt kicked by Little Red Riding Hood,
but that's no surprise.
And that, dear otaku-chan, is the end of that story.