Hey...wow, this is my first post to the FFML...I'm sorta wondering what you
sorta folks think about this...I mean, I'd really like some C 'n C, if you
know what I mean. Please...I'm sorta stuck. Check out the end of the post
for a little more info....
Okay, here goes...
< > Thoughts
You really don't need to indicate this - it's apparent by the context.
Continuity: Presume that the activities documented in canon did occur
according to canon. However, some time before the series
begins, an alteration has been made.
In which case, there are a lot of things which need to be explained...
more on that in a little bit.
Ranma looked all around before setting down his bento. He
felt out with his aura to make sure that none of the more rabid martial
artists in Nerima were around, and pulled a small woodcarved flute out of an
inner pocket in his red Chinese shirt. <I haven't played for the longest
time. I hope I've still got it>, he thought. <Few of these things I have
are so precious. I know the arts of war...I know the works of Shakespeare,
I can defeat the greatest of the Chinese Amazons, yet I can't reveal who I
am to the girl I love.
Here you set the stage very succinctly for what you're trying to do. This
is a "Ranma is more than he seems" fic. If you weren't aware, you are
covering some familiar territory - the most notable story in this vein is
probably "The Masks We Must Wear" by Bob Barnes, which you can
find here:
http://nabiki.newberry.edu/DEddy/fanfic/bob_barnes/index.html
That's not meant to discourage you. Just because a subject has been
explored before doesn't mean you shouldn't try your own hand at it.
But it sometimes is helpful to know what others have done, and see
how your own vision of things is unique.
The basic problem you have to overcome is explaining to the reader
why Ranma has been hiding his true nature all along. This, I assume,
you will get to eventually, or maybe that's where you're getting stuck.
But in order to believe he'd engage in this profound cover-up, we have to
believe that he has a good reason. What need is he fulfilling by behaving
this way? What drives him to be so secretive? What does he think will
happen if he "reveals his true nature," and why does that frighten him?
For the sake of plausibility, I would say you are also somewhat obliged
to address why he behaved as he did in some circumstances if his true
nature is so different from his apparent one. Some storylines are easier
than other to rationalize. For instance, you say here that Ranma knows
the works of Shakespeare. His behavior in the "Romeo and Juliet" story
arc seems relatively plausible, if you accept the basic premise that he
is deliberately pretending to be ignorant. Other stories, though, are not
so easy. Sometimes Ranma's behavior is so outlandish (like when he
pretends to be Ryouga's sister) that it seems impossible to believe he
is merely acting.
You also should probably consider addressing his feelings about his
curse. Does he, as a secretly balanced and spiritual person, really
accept it with more grace than he seems to on the surface? Or are his
various attempts to find a cure genuine? If they are genuine, why does
he approach each such adventure with the same degree of brash
foolhardiness that he applies to all his endeavors, as opposed to tapping
into this inner core of intellect and making a more serious effort? I mean,
in the Japanese Nanniichuan story, for instance, wouldn't it have made
more sense to just try to go look for it at night, when all the girls were
away? It's in character for Takahashi-san's Ranma to behave this way -
he has many fine qualities but can also be spectacularly dense. Your
Ranma, though, is secretly smarter than that... so we cannot help but
wonder why he's behaved the way he has throughout the manga. "It's
all an act" can only be taken so far, I think.
Also, one does tend to wonder where Ranma found the time to gain
his spiritual enlightenment and education. You establish that it did
not come from Genma, who was his primary influence for the past
ten years. I hope you intend to reveal that as the story goes.
I've got a mother who doesn't quite grasp modern
reality, even though I love her, and a father who is, for all intents and
purposes, a complete an utter moron. The Art is all, he says. The Art is
"complete and utter."
nothing without all other Arts. Music in motion. Acting on the stage. The
stroke of a brush. Anything Goes is a fusion of all, a representation of
all of human history and human ingenuity. And a brilliant man who needs
women's underwear to survive invented it, and its heirs are a man who hides
his own soul and a woman blinded by fury. How ironic.>
I don't know if you intended this, but I inferred from that piece that Happosai
innovated the idea of this great spiritual fusion of all kinds of human endeavor
into a single art - which would indicate the old freak has been keeping things
hidden from us as well.
And as for the "woman blinded by fury" bit...
Akane's temper is certainly a part of her character, but I would be careful
of making that portrayal too lopsided. The Akane we're shown in the
manga does not storm through life in a perpetual state of pointless rage,
as some have depicted her. In fact, she often shows herself to be
surprisingly generous in spirit. Yes, she gets pissed off at Ranma and
thumps him. Yes, her rage does get the better of her. But I would be
careful of overplaying that angle too much.
And with that, he began to play.
And with that, a tune began, and carried over the hills of
the field our Artist sat upon, and conveyed his soul to the world, if only
the world would listen. It would begin much like this, a rolling cresendo
of both despair and happiness. And someone heard his song as she rode on
her bicycle, and paid it no heed, save the fact that she felt someone's
despair and that same person's salvation on that tune. But who it was, she
would never know. But she knew the feeling of one whose despair and
salvation were the same, as she often felt that way about the young man she
loved, a young man who often wore a red shirt of her country.
Comment on your style here. Some of your writing is very pretty,
but sometimes it falls into unwelcome patterns. In the last six
sentences there, three begin with "and" and two begin with "but."
That sort of repetition gets a bit clunky. Also, you switch tenses
with "it would begin much..."
Just things to polish up.
The music of the flute picked up, a winding melody of
compassion lost and sometimes found, twisting though the office buildings
and homes, a man who was sometimes a pig picked up on the sound, and
understood for a brief moment that while he was lost on the outside,
whomever played the tune was equally as lost, but in a way that made even
the bandanna-clad boy begin to cry where he stood, even though he though
crying is for the weak, and something that Ranma would do, he knew that this
was not a cry of weakness.
That's all one sentence, as you've written it. Bit of a run-on - I'd
suggest breaking it up.
Jumping, twisting, the melody rippled, and swept past
Mousse, who looked up in confusion at the melody's tune, and went to find
Cologne. An okonomiyaki began to burn as a chef stopped cooking at the
noise that conveyed emotion beyond emotion.
I'm wondering why Mousse is the only one to whom you refer by
name. And "emotion beyond emotion" is not a phrase which means
anything to me - I know you're trying to convey the feel of music in
words, which is not very easy, but that one seemed to fall a bit flat.
"Very well, Child. Know this, former-son-in-law, that
Shampoo will not be happy when I tell her that she may not marry you, Ranma
Saotome."
"What...what do you mean, Hono...I mean, Old Ghoul?"
This part I also had problems with. If he's been so fastidious about
maintaining his act all along, how can he let it accidentally slip here?
Meanwhile, Akane had neared the field in which Cologne and
Ranma sat, beginning to speak. <Damn him. Here I was, already to tell him
what I really felt, and he's hear with that great-grandmother of Shampoo's.
I bet she's trying to give him another cure in exchange for Shampoo marrying
him. I'm gonna hurt him. Badly.>
This is what I mean by a lopsided portrayal of Akane. When Akane leaps
to a conclusion, she generally does so on the basis of more evidence than
this. Ranma talking with Cologne is hardly enough to light her fuse. Ranma
in the bath with a naked Shampoo? Sure.
Mallet at the ready, Akane charged towards Ranma, swung
down, and realized three things. One, she missed. Two, she no longer had
the aforementioned mallet. And three, Ranma was smiling at her. This, of
course, was a sign that things were about to get infinitely worse.
<That jerk had never been able to stop her mallet before. If he could, why
didn't he? Was he toying with her? She'd kill him. Playing with her like
that.> "What are you doing here with her?" queried Akane, as another mallet
began to manifest.
I would strongly advise that you take out the whole mallet angle. This is
a subject which has been brought up repeatedly on the FFML, but
basically the mallet is one of Takahashi-san's many sight gags. If you
use it as a gag in your story, that's great. But when you start to take
it seriously (as you seem to be here - describing how Ranma had "never
been able to stop her mallet" describing it as manifesting out of thin air),
you begin to get into trouble.
People pull things out of thin air all the time in the Ranma story - not
just Akane, not just mallets. Buckets and kettles appear at any given
moment, as do sets of clothes for cursed people. Genma has his signs,
of course. Pretty much everyone summons a microphone for emphasis
at one point or another. Ranma can produce a startling array of women's
clothing apparently at will. Happosai generates a bomb which is over
a hundred times more massive than he is. And so on and so on and
so on, for as long as you like. It's a wonder Mousse's "hidden weapon"
talent is considered special at all.
In the context of the "Roger Rabbit Law" - that is, these people can
perform these acts of conjuring only when it's funny for them to do so -
it makes perfect sense. But you seem to be straying into the territory
of Akane and the magical ki-mallet, where suddenly it's a serious
super-power or something. I think you're better off just removing the
references to the mallet and having Akane pick up a nearby blunt
object (or, better yet, not have Akane take a swing at Ranma at all,
since she has so little reason to do so).
"I was simply talking to the Honored Elder of the Chinese
Amazons. As she just said, I have been released from the laws regarding
Outsiders and rules of marriage into the tribe.
"Marriage! Ranma, I'm gonna kill you! Marrying that
Chinese Hussy!"
"Hold on, I said that in proper language. Of course no one
here but Cologne and Dr. Tofu would understand that. Let me
try that again in Ranmaese. Akane, I ain't never marrying Shampoo! I'd
much rather be married to a beautiful tomboy like you!"
Here, again, Ranma lets his disguise slip. Why has he been able
to keep it up for 38 volumes without a single misstep, and now he
can't seem to remember how he's supposed to act?
And why is he deciding to admit his feelings for Akane now? What
has changed? Why is it no longer necessary for him to hide his
true self?
So anyway, please, please, please give me some ideas. Do you like it? Do
you hate it? Should I shoot my computer to prevent something like this in
the future? Write me, please! I have no life! I haven't hate a date for
months!
Wait! Just criticize my writing!
Well... I have been sort of critical. So let's see if I can be a bit
constructive.
I think that you might have more luck with this story if you start a little
farther back, and carry us forward to the present in bits and pieces.
Assume we know the continuity, but show us a few scenes of what
Ranma is REALLY thinking during the stories. Maybe we can see
some of what happens off-screen as well, in order to explain why he
behaved in such seemingly incongruous ways.
What you're writing is a story based upon a revisionist history of
the Ranma series. I think we need a better look at that history
in order to be convinced that the new reality you're presenting is
plausible. Of course, that may be a lot more work than you had
in mind.
I do like the poetic flavor to some of your writing, and I hope you
are able to stick with it.
Jerry S. Levine
Reverend of The Universal Life Church
Best of luck,
Grayson Towler
http://www.rigroup.com/~grayson/relentless