Here's the first draft of chapter four. All comments/questions/clubs
to the head welcome, public or private (public's best, though..~_^)
-- Attached file included as plaintext by Listar --
-- File: Lpcc4.txt
LE PLUS CA CHANGE...
Still another Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction
By Dave Menard
DISCLAIMER: Rumiko Takahashi and others created the original
characters and situations. Me, I'm just some guy with too much
time on his hands...
IMPORTANT NOTE:
(WARNING! WARNING! THAT CRASHING SOUND YOU HEAR IS THE
FOURTH WALL COMING DOWN...)
"Hey, Lonko!" Sachiko called to her big sister.
The older girl looked up from her kata. "That ain't my
name no more. Call me Ranko from now on."
"Huh? What do you mean? Don't tell me you're THAT upset
with Daddy..."
"Aw, hell no," Lonko-er... RANko shrugged, returning to
her kata. "It's just that the author's such a pussy he caved
in and changed my name 'cause some folks on the FFML thought
'Lonko' sucked..."
"Why?"
"Well, according to what Dave told me-" She paused to
deliver a leaping snap-kick against an invisible opponent,
"There were a few reasons, but the most common was that there
ain't no 'L' sound in Japanese. 'Course he ain't WRITIN' our
story in Japanese, but still..."
Sachiko tsked. "Well, that's just dumb. Isn't Lonko the
name that American company that subtitles and dubs Daddy's
adventures uses for his girl-form?"
Ranko grunted. "Yeah, but a lot of folks who are big-time
fans of Pops' adventures ain't too fond of that company's
translators. Accordin' to them, it's a bad job. Don't even get
Dave started on the whole 'sub vs. dub' argument, he'll yak
your ear off. Just 'cause SOME folks like to watch shows in a
language they're comfortable with, they gotta put up with this
abuse from people? Gawd, it's ridiculous..."
Sachiko frowned. "Well, there IS something to be said for
maintaining the integrity of the original creator's vision..."
Ranko nodded. "Yeah, but some folks like to WATCH teevee,
not read it... Anyway, this is takin' up too much space.
Dave's gotta get back to tellin' OUR story, even though I
ain't even IN this chapter. Accordin' to Dave, he's gonna do
somethin' called 'retro-con-ing' me, so that I've always been
Ranko an' no one'll be the wiser. I still say he's a puss for
cavin' though."
Sachiko heartily agreed.
(RE-ERECTING FOURTH WALL. YOU MAY NOW PROCEED ON TO THE FIC)
***************************
Like any high school anywhere on Earth, Furinkan High
possesses an intricate network of cliques, gangs and social
castes, each with their own exclusive membership. There is
occasional drift between groups, but said drift is infrequent
and usually traumatic, as the drifter must re-align themselves
within their new hierarchy.
There are the scholars, the freaks, the geeks, the "cool"
kids and the athletes. There are the members of various clubs,
the motorheads, the druggies and the delinquents. Virtually
everyone belongs to one group or another. Except for rare
occasions of dating outside one's own "species", the vast
majority of students attempt to find a niche in one of these
cliques, and remain there for most of their scholastic career.
Often, a given school will have a preponderance of one of
the above subtypes of kids, and that school will become
classified as a mecca for those students who fit the image.
For instance, St. Hebereke is a "rich girl's school". Kolkhoz
High is a "Jock School". Other schools are "Drama Schools" or
"Tough Schools" or "Arts Schools". Furinkan was that rarest of
animals, a "Martial Arts School", which implies a very
particular type of stratification amongst the student body.
Every male Furinkan student knew, without a shadow of a
doubt, that the surest way to ensure you had a date for
Saturday night was to be a martial artist. Furinkan girls
rarely gave any non-combatants the time of day. Consequently,
as a teenage boy's life revolves around the desire to "get him
some", Furinkan boys spent an inordinate amount of time
practicing martial arts, with differing levels of success.
It was ironic, (or perhaps not, considering the past
history of that venerable institution) that the most sought-
after girl on campus, Sachiko Tendo, was perhaps the only one
who regarded knowledge of martial arts not as an asset but as
a serious obstacle to romance. Despite this fact, she was
nevertheless one of the "cool" kids, due to, if nothing else,
the impressive reputation of her older sister, graduated the
year before.
As such, the vast majority of her closer friends were at
least dabblers in martial arts, and some were quite
proficient. First and foremost among these was Chugoku Kuonji,
Sachiko's oldest friend.
At first glance, you would think that the two were a
mismatched pair. Sachiko was the very image of a Japanese
beauty. Girlishly petite, trendy and kawaii, she was the
living fantasy of every Lolita-complex-ridden salaryman.
Chugoku, by contrast, was almost the opposite. Oh sure, she
was attractive, as her mother had been- in an athletic,
tomboyish sort of way; but she also possessed her father's
genes. As such she had the triune curses of poor eyesight,
height, and (perhaps worst of all in still-xenophobic Japan)
she was half-Chinese.
Despite these outward differences, the two girls were
extremely close, having almost been raised together. They'd
shared the pain of first crushes, laughed and cried together
at all the same movies, danced to the same music. Chugoku had
stuck by her friend through thick and thin, even the horribly
crushing blow of Sachiko's mother's death.
So it was no surprise that the first person outside of
family that Sachiko talked to about her impending engagement
was Chugoku.
Sachiko flopped backwards onto her bed, turning to face
the datalink terminal on her desk.
"Gawd, Chugo, I'm so-o miserable. I can't beLEIVE Daddy
would DO something like this to me..."
Chugoku smiled sympathetically from the terminal. "Sounds
rough, girlfriend. Is this Kobuta guy really that bad?"
"He's good-looking, in a hayseedy, farmboyish sort of
way, but as for personality, let's just say he makes Burakuro
look like Casanova..."
"That bad, huh?"
"He called me a pig!"
"Really? Gawd, what a jackass! I'd'a spatula'd him for
that!"
"Well, Ranko decked him."
"Good for her!"
"Yeah, y'know what the weirdest thing is? According to
Daddy, he meant it as a complement..."
"Huh? Why'd he think that?"
"According to Daddy, Kobuta's family are pig-otakus. They
go nuts for pigs, love everything about 'em."
"Talk about weird... Sounds like Mom and her okonomiyaki
fetish..."
"You're one to talk, Spatula-girl!"
"I'm not as bad as my Mom, thanks. At least I can cook
something other than fast food... Hey, no changing the
subject, sugar! I wanna hear more about this pig-freak. Is he
a martial artist? What am I saying, of course he is! Your Dad
wouldn't let him near you if he wasn't..."
"Yeah, he's a martial artist. Big deal."
"What school?"
"Ah, I don't pay any attention to that stuff... His Dad
said something about Sumo..."
"Whoa! So he's a real porker, huh?"
"You might say that, yeah. But he's not fat, if that's
what you're thinking. Like I said, he's good-looking, just not
my type."
"I don't know, Sacchi. If he's cute, why not give him a
chance? Who knows, you might end up liking him."
"Nope. Not gonna happen. You're welcome to him, if you
want."
"I just might do that, y'know. If he's cute enough. But
no one's a cute as-"
"Tofu-sempai, yeah, I know..."
"He's so-o yummy! And sweet! And nice! And-"
"I get the picture, Chugo! So why don't you ask him out?"
Chugoku blushed, her glasses fogging. "I couldn't! I-it
wouldn't be right! H-he's like a prince among men! An Adonis!
A demi-god! What could he possibly see in me?"
"What do you see in HIM? He's good looking enough, I
suppose, but all I see when I look at Keiichi is my nerdy
cousin who used to put mud in my hair when we were little kids
and stole my Pokemon cards..."
"You just can't see it because he's your cousin! He's the
perfect man! Perfect! PERFECT!!" Chugoku's eyes took on a
slightly maniacal gleam.
"Okay, fine. You want I should set the two of you up? I
see him every weekend when we go over to Auntie K's for
dinner..."
"Would you? D'you think he'd say yes?"
"Sure, I guess. It's not as if he's seeing anybody right
now..."
****************************
Keiichi Tofu was in deep smit. Sitting across from him
was possibly the cutest girl he'd ever seen in his life. His
mother was chatting amiably with the gorgeous girl's Aunt, but
he couldn't think of a thing to say to the incredible beauty
facing him. She was leaning casually up against the wall, an
obviously bored expression on her face that made him want to
say or do SOMEthing, ANYthing to see her smile...
She had green hair, done up in twin buns and tied with
pretty ornaments shaped like golden feathers; her eyes (Oh,
Kamisama, her EYES!) were crystalline blue seas he could lose
himself in. Her figure was... Well, Keiichi considered himself
a gentleman, so he didn't let himself linger TOO long on her
ample assets, but WOW!
What to say, what to say... "Umm, hello?" His voice
squeaked on the last syllable. He blushed furiously.
The girl smiled absently. That was still enough to make
Keiichi's day. "Nihao." She sighed and blew her bangs out of
her eyes with a puff of air, a gesture that made Keiichi's
heart do flip-flops.
"So, uh..." Keiichi flailed desperately, "Do you come
here often?" As soon as the words left his mouth he deflated
internally. Of all the lame-ass...
"Is Ti-Pi's first time in Tokyo. She never leave
Bayankala Valley before... Auntie always tell Ti-Pi that Japan
is best place to come to meet boy, so..." She twirled her hand
distractedly, "Here Ti-Pi is."
"Y-you're here to meet boys?" He swallowed hard. Hope
springs eternal, even in the unlikeliest of places...
"Really?" he squeaked. "Er... What uh, kind of boys?"
"Strong boys! Ti-Pi need strong husband, bring too-too
much honour to family!" She affirmed proudly. "Ti-Pi want
nice, handsome boy, who is powerful warrior... and good cook,
Ti-Pi always want to marry nice house-husband type..."
Keiichi sighed. Just like all the girls at school.
(Except for the cooking part. Maybe if he could get Mom to
teach him a thing or two...) She probably wouldn't give the
time of day to a nobody like him. The only martial arts he
knew were his father's pressure-point attacks. Effective, to
be sure, but not the flashy sort of thing most Nerima girls
went for. "Oh. I'm afraid I don't know too many guys around
here who'd fit the bill. Most of the best fighters at my
school are... well, jerks."
Ti-Pi's good spirits flagged a little, then brightened.
"Is okay, Ti-Pi have very good feeling about boy she meet
today!"
Keiichi blushed. "Really? Y-you m-mean..?"
"Yes!" Ti-Pi smiled. "Pig-boy must be VERY strong
fighter, if train at Jusenkyo!"
Keiichi deflated.
While the teenagers got to know each other, Kasumi and
Shampoo got reacquainted.
"So, is your husband here?" Shampoo asked. "I haven't
seen either of you since the funeral..." Shampoo worried that
she might have made a faux pas, mentioning that sad day, but
Kasumi waved it off. It had been, after all, nine years.
"Ono is making his rounds at Nerima General today. We
share the practice now.
"How marvelous!" Shampoo cried. "I always KNEW you had
prospects beyond looking after your foolish- er, _aged_ father
and his friends."
Kasumi nodded tolerantly. Few understood that she'd
_enjoyed_ looking after her father and siblings for all those
years. She still occasionally worried about Father, but she
knew Mother Hinako took good care of him. "Well, I have my own
family to look after, now." Kasumi glanced fondly at her son,
who was still attempting to chat up Ti-Pi. Shampoo noticed and
smiled herself.
"Yes, he seems to be a healthy young man." Shampoo eyed
the lad appraisingly. "Is he a fighter?" She could do worse
for Ti-Pi than the son of two of her favorite Japanese...
"Oh, my! Er..."
"Mo-om..." Keiichi groaned, hoping to stave off his
mother's inevitably embarrassing words as he crossed the room.
"I study my father's school of acupuncture and acupressure
martial arts, ma'am. It's nothing terribly impressive, I
realize, but..."
Shampoo's eyes widened in pleasure. The Tofu school was
_very_ illustrious! Even her late great-grandmother had
respected it. Things were definitely looking up for little Ti-
Pi! "That's very interesting, young man. I'm sure you're quite
a warrior!"
Keiichi swelled with obvious pride, only to have his
bubble burst by his mother's words.
"Oh, dear me, no! I don't approve of Keiichi fighting, he
could be hurt!"
"Mo-om!" Keiichi whined, mortally embarrassed. "Not in
front of the Amazons!" Especially the cute young one, his eyes
silently pleaded.
Shampoo blinked. "But, how else is a young person to
build character and strength? Really, Kasumi. These are odd
sentiments coming from a Tendo..."
"I won't let anything happen to my Kei-chan. Besides
which, the Tofu school is meant to heal, not to hurt."
"But Mom, I just-"
Kasumi frowned, turned to Keiichi and said firmly, "We've
had this discussion before, young man. Do I have to tell your
father?"
Keiichi frowned and hung his head. "No, Mom..."
"Good." Kasumi returned to her usual beatific state.
The awkward silence was broken by the sound of a loud
squeal from outside, followed by the frenzied scrabbling of
hooves. Shampoo stood up and looked out the window. The boar
was awake and struggling against his chains. "Ah, it seems our
cursed friend has woken up. Nice-Girl, er, Kasumi, I'm afraid
it's time for us to go. Ti-Pi!" She barked. The younger Amazon
snapped to attention. "Fetch the thermos!"
"Yes, Honoured Auntie!"
***********************
The Suzuki Katana 9000 motorcycle pulled into the garage
with a horrendous squeal of burning rubber and the menacing,
angry-hornet whine of a highly-tuned engine. The rider shut
the grossly-overpowered bike off and dismounted, toeing the
kickstand into place. Casually, (and all-too aware of just
exactly how cool he'd look if he happened to have an audience)
he pulled off his helmet and shook out his long, wavy black
hair. Examining himself in the mirrored visor of his helmet,
Burakuro Taro grinned rakishly and brushed some road dust off
his ridiculously expensive black leather jacket (cloned, at no
small expense, from his own skin cells. Someday, he'd make it
a gift to some lucky lady...)
"Nobohiko! NOBO-HIKOOO!" He glanced around. "Where IS
that little turd?"
With a tiny puff of white smoke, the little ninja
appeared and knelt in front of the young master of the house.
"You called, Boss?"
"Nobohiko..." Burakuro purred menacingly. "What did I
tell you about that?"
Nobohiko sighed. "Forgive me." He cleared his throat and
began again. "I am hear at your summons, oh my great and
powerful Master, Lord of the Manor, King amongst men!"
Taro nodded, favouring him with a smile. "That's better.
Now, you little toady, my bike needs a tune-up. She's running
a little hot, and there's a buzz in the rear intake. Deal
with it."
Sigh. "Yes, your munificence. I am honoured, as always,
to be permitted to place my unworthy hands on such a fine
piece of machinery..." The only reason it IS so fine is that I
spend eight hours a day tuning the damn thing, Nobohiko added
silently. If you had any idea how to TREAT the thing, I
wouldn't NEED to, you disgusting, arrogant spoiled twerp! "It
will be done promptly, oh my Master."
"Good. I'll be in my room. The new issue of Easy Rider is
in, and I need to do a little... meditating, heheheh..."
Nobohiko shuddered. "Master-"
"What is it, pee-wee?"
"Dinner will be served promptly at six. Your honourable
mother is expecting you..."
"Damn! Wonder what the old fruitbat wants? Oh, well,
maybe I can wrangle an increase in my allowance out of her.
It's not as if I can be expected to SURVIVE on a measly two
million yen a week..."
Burakuro left, only to poke his head back around the
corner. He cleared his throat softly, looking a little
embarrassed. "Uh, Nobohiko..?"
"Yes, oh my Master?"
"Uhrm... Any word from Father?"
Nobohiko sighed sadly. "No, Master, I'm terribly
sorry..."
Burakuro's face clouded. "Like I want your pity, you
little shit! Hurry up and fix my bike!"
"Yes, Master..."
*********************
Kin heard her prick of a cousin pull up his bike and
heard him begin calling for Nobohiko. She put down her palmtop
and looked out the window. Typical. The bastard only ever
comes home when he needs something. She awaited the inevitable
knock on her door.
She wasn't disappointed. "Enter!" She called, getting
into character. Of all the people her Shakespeare act hacked
off, Burakuro was second only to her mother in sheer annoyance
level. Her cousin shouldered his way in, hip-checking the door
closed behind him.
"Yo, golden girl. I need some cash."
Kin sighed. "You continue to pester me for funds, cousin,
yet I have yet to see a return on my investment. I say thee
nay. T'would make poor economic sense to send good money after
bad..."
Burakuro growled. "Listen, you'll get your money, you
little chiseller. I'm just running a little short now-"
"You run short on sense, kinsman, if you think I intend
to subsidize anymore of you and your pitiful gang of ruffians'
foolishness. Leave my chambers, before I eject you myself."
She produced her bokken and stood.
"O ho, You wanna throw down, golden girl? You _know_ I
can kick your scrawny ass up and down the street!"
"Oaf. Always the first to resort to brute force, aren't
you? You aren't worth sullying my blade. Get thee gone, fool."
"Don't talk to me like that, you little snot! I'll-"
Kin produced a small datatrack disk from her robes.
"You'll what?" Burakuro visibly paled. "Leave my chambers, or
my parents find out about your little... indiscretions." she
chuckled softly. "Then you can kiss your free ride goodbye,
'Bakakuro'. I'll not shed any tears over that, I can assure
you..."
"Fine!" Burakuro snarled. "I'm warning you, Kin. One of
these days you'll push me too far-"
"Yes, yes... Thou'rt full of sound and fury, signifying
nothing." Kin sniffed. "An' lest you get any clever ideas,
know that I have many copies of this disk secreted around the
house and amongst my factors. Rest assured that should any
harm come to me, your sins _will_ find you out. Depart,
knave!"
Burakuro stomped out, slamming the door behind him. Kin
sat down on her bed and shuddered, letting out a breath she
didn't know she'd been holding. Picking up her palmtop, she
tabbed open the "to do" menu and typed furiously. Burakuro was
becoming more and more troublesome...
**************
Burakuro stomped into his room and slammed the door shut
behind him. With a snarl he fell forward onto his bed, all
thoughts of "meditating" to the latest Easy Rider flown from
his mind.
"Goddamned little... BITCH!" He flung the magazine across
the room and rolled over to stare at the ceiling. "Never gonna
let me forget that Mom an' me are livin' here thanks to
Uncle's 'charity'... If- WHEN Dad comes back, we'll fuckin'
show THEM... Bastards..."
**************
Across the globe, in a restaurant high atop Seattle Space
Needle, a richly-dressed man with a silver ring in each ear
sneezed softly.
"Something wrong, lover?" His companion asked, brushing a
lock of silvery-blonde hair over her shoulder. "You're not
coming down with something, are you?"
The man clucked his tongue. "Not likely, Asuka-chan. Must
be a bit of dust in the air."
***************
Kobuta-boar once again found himself in motion. He
struggled unsuccessfully against the chains that held his
massive form captive, only to find himself unceremoniously
dumped onto the dusty ground. Internally, he groaned. If he'd
wound up in the zoo again, Dad'd never let him hear the end of
it...
Hot water splashed, activating the transformation. Kobuta
shook his head, sending droplets splashing across the yard.
"Gaah! A little TOO hot, thanks..." He blinked, taking in
the people around him. His sight as a boar was pretty poor, so
he hadn't gotten a good look at them before. Two women, one
older but still attractive and an extremely cute girl with
green hair. Both were looking at him curiously. He tugged
nervously at his neckerchief and once again thanked whatever
kami governed Jusenkyo curses that he always reverted to human
form fully-dressed. He glanced around at his
surroundings,finding himself in a vacant lot of some kind,
possibly a park, since he could see the tops of houses on the
other side of the fences. Resignedly, he uttered the family
catchphrase.
"Uhm, where am I?"
Shampoo sighed. The resemblance was pronounced, but she'd
hoped it was merely a coincidence. "You're a Hibiki, aren't
you, young man." It was a statement, not a question.
"Er, yeah? Is that a problem? Dad didn't skip out on a
bill or something, did he? He doesn't mean to do that, y'know,
he just gets lost real easy." He pulled out a damp billfold.
"Whatever it is, I can pay it. It was just an honest
mistake..."
Shampoo's eyes twinkled. Hibikis are powerful martial
artists, and not too bright, either. Ideal mates for an Amazon
with prospects. "Monetary compensation won't be necessary,
young man. However, you DID knock my niece into Tokyo
harbour..."
Ti-Pi took this as her cue, and looked victimized. "Was
AWFUL! Poor Ti-Pi was soaked to skin, and water so stinky..."
"Gosh, I'm sorry..." Kobuta blushed and stood. "It was an
accident, really! Can I make it up to you?"
Ti-Pi smiled hungrily and nodded to her Aunt. "Pig-boy
can make it up by fighting Ti-Pi!" With a flourish, she
produced a trident and brandished it overhead. "Pig-boy insult
Ti-Pi's honour! Poor Ti-Pi only fresh off hovercraft, when
nasty Japanese boy knock her into ocean, make her lose face
first minute in strange country! Insult must be avenged!" She
swung her war trident at him, or rather, at the vacant spot he
had been moments before.
"Hey, now! I already apologized! No need for this!"
"Boy be quiet and fight!"
"No, this isn't right! I can't hit a girl!"
Ti-Pi snarled and lunged, but Kobuta leapt up and back to
land on top of a concrete wall. "Stop it!"
"Boy WILL give Ti-Pi satisfaction!" She hurled her
trident like a spear. Kobuta dodged, but was alarmed to see
the weapon plough through the foot thick wall like it was made
of ricepaper.
"Whoa! Be careful with that thing!"
Ti-Pi ignored him, producing a kasuri-gama, a sickle-
blade attached to a handle by a length of chain. Whirling the
chain, she began to advance warily.
Shampoo watched the unfolding battle with an expert eye.
Ti-Pi was going all-out. Good, she nodded. It wouldn't do for
her to use half-measures. She noted, however, that the Hibiki
boy was merely fighting defensively, making no attacks. He was
certainly faster on his feet than she remembered Ryoga being,
and not quite as strong, she judged from the size of his
build. It was equally obvious that Ti-Pi was outmatched. She
needed to use an area-of-effect attack to catch the nimble
boy, and she had none in this form. With a sigh, Shampoo
produced trio of water balloons and hurled them toward the
melee. They'd practiced this manoeuvre often, and Ti-Pi would
know what to do.
"Ti-Pi!" She called. "Incoming!" Ti-Pi glanced back and
nodded firmly, standing her ground as the round projectiles
fell in a slow arc. Kobuta looked up. The girl was in the way
of those bombs!
He bent his knees and assumed a Sumo squat, exhaling
loudly. Gritting his teeth, he focused and called upon his
inner strength. Unseen, a blue aura flared into life at his
feet and enveloped his whole body. Swinging his arms wide, he
called upon one of the secret techniques of the Unryu School.
With a final grunt of effort, he slammed his hands together in
a clapping motion.
"TYPHOON SLAP!"
The resulting gust of wind blew Ti-Pi and Shampoo off
their feet and sent the much flimsier forms of the water-
balloons flying over the horizon.
Shampoo smiled. A chi-technique? Few were so capable so
young. Truly, the Hibiki boy _was_ worthy. She helped Ti-Pi to
her feet and whispered in her niece's ear.
"Ti-Pi... Take a dive."
****************************************
That's all for now! Tune in next time for more fun with
the next generation of the Nerima Wrecking Crew, as we see the
conclusion of the Kobuta-Ti-Pi battle, Keiichi's reaction and
more from the cousins Kuno. Plus, more with Ranko and Sachiko.
As to Kasumi's strange attitudes regarding martial arts,
I ask that you bear with me. All will be revealed in time, I
swear.
Thanks to everyone who's written so far with comments,
suggestions, even those who wrote in with complaints. I really
do appreciate the feedback. Any type of c+c is greatly
appreciated, even (shudder) MST3Ks. Sent to:
deibu_kun@sympatico.ca or ryouko74@otakumail.com
Until next time, I remain,
Your Obedient Servant,
D.