C&C Below. Snippage throughout.
(I'm no longer reading anything marked as a teaser, draft,
or incomplete, so this is my first time reading this part.)
HEARTS AND MINDS
PART FOUR
Ranma 1/2 manga fanfiction
by Gary Kleppe
[Disclaimer, URL to old parts *and* a summary snipped.
If only all multi-part stories had this...]
[...]
"Greetings, 'General.' Or should I call you...."
suggest: call you...?"
(It's a trailing-off question, yes...?)
[...]
"I? I agreed to rule the Amazons on your behalf. Nowhere was it
said that it was my job to nursemaid incompetent male underlings."
"Your insolence amuses me not at all, Zhen Biaozi. If you refuse
to be of use to me, I see no reason to continue with our arrangement."
suggest: Your insolence doesn't amuse me at all,
or: I don't find your insolence amusing at all,
(I can deal with the "I? I agreed", since it's coming from an "elder",
who might be more likely to use proper grammar, but the "amuses me not
at all" just sounds awkward.)
"Oh, I'll be of use, all right. I just intend to let your major
try first, to see what he can do. If he fails, we'll try things my way.
Never fear, I'll capture both the village and Shan Pu's group for you if
it comes to that."
punc: for you, if it
(You're joining two complete clauses; separate with a comma.)
[...]
"Don't underestimate me, 'General.' I may be one mere human
being, but I'm an elder Amazon warrior. And unlike your major, I know my
opponents. He might fail, but I won't."
GENERAL: Wouldn't a Amazon warrior in her
prime be better than an elder warrior?
ZHEN BIAOZI: [whack!]
suggest: I'm an Amazon warrior and elder
(Elder as a title connotes power, but you're using it as an adjective to
modify Amazon warrior. It sounds like she's calling herself decrepit.)
[...]
Lieutenant Batachikhan did as he was told. No doubt the Amazon
behind him -- Shan Pu was the name he'd heard for her -- would kill him
in an instant if he didn't follow instructions. He had no idea why they
hadn't done away with him already. They were all crazy, these 'Amazons,'
every last one of them. Nothing but cold-blooded killers.
SHAMPOO: Nonsense! Blood still is hot when we kill you! [bounce]
suggest: -- Shan Pu was the name he'd heard --
or: -- he'd heard the others call her Shan Pu --
(That "for her" is just dangling there.)
[...]
He thought about yelling for help, then decided not to. Let her
get away. He'd tell the major how he'd been taken prisoner and forced to
reveal everything he knew. Only he wouldn't tell them that a prostitute
who was really a man had captured him; he'd make up a story involving a
whole platoon of attackers, and berate security for letting them get in
and out unspotted.
suggest: that he'd been captured by a prostitute who was really a man
(I think the word flow is a little better. Not *only* had he been
captured by a prostitute...)
"Right, then." He began slowly backing away, watching her with a
wary eye. "Be seeing you." *Next time we meet,* he thought, *I'll have a
gun in my hand. And I'll remember this.*
She grabbed him by the shoulder, restraining him. "Turn around."
Or maybe not. ^_^
[...]
"Heh. It's been so long for me, I'll tell ya, pal...." He
pointed behind Sauchuk. "That little thing over there's looking pretty
good to me right about now."
Sauchuk turned in time to catch a glimpse of white fur before it
slipped away into the underbrush. "A cat? You're one sick, er... puppy,
Martinez."
I *suppose* that's one way to indirectly show that Shampoo's been
running around, but like the guy said, a cat?!? And for all he knows
it's a tomcat... ^_^;;;
Maybe you should make this more obviously a joke. "Even *that* pussy's
starting to look good to me." Not that I would even condone the use of
a pun, of course...
[...]
"His hair. I smelled some kind of 'essence of flowers' stuff on
it. A guy wouldn't use that junk unless he was trying to impress a
babe."
This bit of indirection works much better. :)
[...]
"Are we sure we can afford to wait?" Ryoga asked. "We have no
way of knowing what those people are doing to the Amazons, even now.
Shouldn't we attack right away with all we've got, before it's too
late?"
Why add the "even now"?
[...]
Genma nodded sagely at Ryoga. "Patience, boy. The acts of
sabotage we'll be carrying out will serve two purposes: First, to weaken
our opponents, but more importantly, to enrage them -- to the point that
when the time comes, they'll rush into a confrontation that we've set up
on our own terms."
GENMA: And finally, to steal the food.
RYOGA: To weaken them more?
GENMA: No, because I'm hungry. The Amazons make great buffets...
Suggest you delete the "Firstly," or add a "Secondly".
[...]
"Exactly what level of injury to the Mongols do you deem
acceptable? You've already specified no killing. Would severe bruises be
acceptable?"
suggest: bruises be sufficient
(Avoid repeated "acceptable")
[...]
Shan Pu's face twisted angrily. The others rolled their eyes and
looked away.
Rolling their eyes implies to me that the others are thinking "Oh,
brother, not this again." Is that what you meant? I kinda thought
that this would make the others seriously uneasy, rather than
dismissive.
[...]
Nodding, Gosunkugi walked over to where Ti Pi stood. Kuno was
speaking with her; Gosunkugi stood quietly by and waited. Kodachi said
something to him that Akane couldn't hear, and he flinched noticeably.
suggest: walked over to Ti Pi, who was talking with Kuno. While
Gosunkugi stood by quietly and waited, Kodachi said something
(The action in the paragraph is a little unclear.)
[...]
On the other hand, as the old saying went, turnabout was fair
play. Sure, Kodachi could beat her in physical combat with one ribbon
tied behind her back. But when it came to verbal sparring, there were
some pretty obvious holes in her defenses.
Such as? :j The Kodachi from the manga didn't have any. (Or at
least, ones that she'd admit). I haven't seen any real differences
with this Kodachi.
[...]
"And I do mean *last,*" Akane continued. "I mean, you'd probably
have married the neighbors' dog sooner than her."
It always comes back to Ukyo with you, doesn't it? [sigh]
[...]
Akane smiled, as Ranma gazed back at her nervously. Okay, so
maybe it was a stupid thing to do -- making a bad situation worse. But
it felt good, like finally landing a punch against an opponent who'd
been untouchable until now.
I thought that's what dinner tables were for... [scratches head]
[...]
Obviously threw it, Akane was going to say -- but that wasn't
possible. From where Kodachi had stood, it would've hit her in the
front. There'd been nothing behind her but craggy mountain peaks and
ridges. Even if Kodachi had somehow managed to bounce it off something
and still hit with such accuracy, it should've made some sort of noise.
Aha! Kodachi's got those whatamacallits working for her -- those
stagehands with the black outfits and cowls that nobody's supposed
to see?
SASUKE: [crying] Yes, at long last Gary has again included me in a fic!
"You ought to be more careful, dear," Kodachi lectured, picking
up the club and cradling it in the crook of her elbow. "A place like
this can be very dangerous to one without the necessary skills to
survive."
AKANE: Was that a threat?
KODACHI: You'll know when it's a threat. [smiling]
AKANE: [mild panic] Was THAT a threat?
Akane felt her temper about to boil over. One of them was about
to do something they'd both regret.
More like *she* was about to do something *she'd* regret. :j
[...]
Shan Pu looked back at Akane, and smiled weakly. "That all
right," she said, nodding. Akane could tell that she was angry, and not
only at Kodachi.
For a second, hate flashed in Kodachi's eyes, a fire so intense
that Akane and Shan Pu should've been instantly burnt to cinders. Then
her usual condescending smirk returned, as if none of this were
particularly important.
Hmm. Odd reaction.
Actually, since (a) they've run off (b) this is from Akane's point
of view, and (c) Akane is obviously looking at Shampoo, how do we
know what Kodachi's reaction is? Especially in her eyes?
[...]
Why, she wondered, were things like this so painfully obvious,
but not until *after* it was too late to stop herself? Enough was
enough. Okay, maybe she couldn't stop herself from being jealous. But
she could lock her jealousy away deep inside herself where it wouldn't
cause harm to anyone. After all, it wasn't as if those feelings ever did
any good for her.
DARTH TENDO: Yes, my daughter! You've controlled your fear.
Now, release your jealousy!
[...]
Ranma crawled quickly and quietly from vehicle top to vehicle
top. They were parked bumper to bumper in neatly arranged rows. There
were trucks, jeeps, and a few armored tanks; about thirty total. Ranma
wondered why the tanks were here; from what he'd been able to find out,
they hadn't been used against the Amazons. Maybe they'd been brought
along just in case.
Um... Why the heck would they park vehicles bumper to bumper?
Wouldn't that make it harder to mobilize them? I'll retract the
question if some military-type told you this is how it's done.
[...]
*Oh, good one, ya bonehead,* Ranma thought to himself. *You
spend half an hour coming up with that really cool speech, and never
once does it cross your mind that the guards aren't going to understand
Japanese.* Oh well, no big deal. He could still do what he'd come for.
THAT was a "really cool speech?" ^_^;
"Bie yidong!" the soldier repeated; it meant, Ranma guessed,
something like 'stop or I'll shoot.'
Not sure if the "stop" should be capitalized.
[...]
"What happened here, Corporal?"
"We-- we caught someone trying to sabotage the motor pool,
Sarge," Yuan said.
"Where?"
"He got... we chased him off." Yuan glanced past the rows of
wrecked radiators and punctured tires. "But at least we stopped him
before he could damage anything!"
Wouldn't that lie have worked much better without the massive
evidence to the contrary?
SARGE: He didn't damage anything? [incredulous]
What, are you saying that *you* damaged everything?
CORPORAL: H- How'd you find out?!?
[...]
Of course, there was no way to be sure what the effects of the
poison would be. These were, after all, some of the same herbs with
which Pin Ke and Lin Ke had subjugated Ranma and Shan Pu, and
determining drug dosages wasn't exactly part of Tofu's specialty.
Yes, I'd say drugs falls neatly outside the acupuncture/acupressure/
moxibustion categories... As for Pink and Link, didn't they "subjugate"
Ranma and Shampoo with plants?
(I don't know how many people will make the li^H^H connection between
your spellings of their names and the traditional Romanizations.)
[...]
Without thinking, Akane darted to the side. Instantly, something
came pouring down on the spot where she'd just been. Liquid splashed
onto the dirt. Mud splattered, leaving brown speckles on Akane's pants.
The speckles on the pants is a nice way of noting how close the
water actually came.
She looked up. A figure on the roof, shadowed by the sun's
glare, was visible for the briefest second before he/she/it faded back.
Save the this/that/the other; "It" is sufficient.
Figures don't need to have gender.
Akane sprang into the air, and landed on the roof, causing the
whole hut to shake. It was empty. The attacker was already gone. How
could anyone have gotten away so fast?
Huh? What was empty? Grammatically it would have to be the hut
(how can a *roof* be empty?) but then how could she see inside?
[...]
Akane leapt from the roof. She felt helpless, so very
vulnerable. If she hadn't moved at that instant, she'd have been turned
into... what? A mouse? An ant, to be squashed under her unknown
attacker's foot? Something even worse?
Golly, she's getting paranoid about the curses. I'm sure Amazon
just dropped their water and ran away, too embarrassed to admit
their clumsiness. ;)
[...]
"The Breaking Point? You think he could adapt it against armor?"
"Maybe." And he could call it the Bakusai Tank-ketsu, Hikaru
thought, and quickly decided it wasn't worth saying out loud.
We still read it.
/me smacks Gary.
[...]
"Practical joke?" Hikaru blinked. "Kasumi, do-- do you know what
that powder *was?*"
"Yes, Mr. Saotome told me. It was glass; one of their
windshields that he, er, borrowed and ground up." She giggled.
KASUMI: How absolutely naughty! I feel positively *mischievous*!
[...]
For a long moment, Ti Pi and Hikaru stared at each other. Almost
simultaneously, they shook their heads, as if to say **I'm* not going to
tell her.*
Gratuitous use of asterisks.
Remove the outer ones or replace with quotes.
[...]
He scanned down his clipboard. Shan Pu was currently prowling
the village in cat form, trying to make contact with some of the Elders.
Mu Si was also at the village; Nabiki and Mr. Saotome had, for some
reason, asked him to go there and take photographs. That had to be a
sight to see; a duck with glasses pointing a camera, pushing the button
with its wing. So who else....
TI PI: These are all photos of Shampoo, you idiot!
[...]
She smiled warmly at him. "Thank you, Hikaru. I and my sisters
appreciate the help you and your friends are giving us."
"Uh... don't mention it." He nodded feebly, for a moment
imagining a myriad of possibilities. Then he pushed off the rock, and
his feet landed on solid ground. Why would she ever be interested in
him? And even if she normally might be, this wasn't the time. He
couldn't ask her out on a date when they were about to fight a battle to
rescue her village. And after that, he'd be gone. No matter how he
looked at it, it seemed that Hikaru Gosunkugi was going to end up alone.
Hmm. This reads both as a little too angsty and a little too cheesy
for me. I have to say, if Gos ends up with Ti Pi, it'll feel way too
much like wish fulfillment to me. :p
[...]
"From what the locals have told my subordinates, the leader of
the saboteurs is named Shan Pu," Captain Shagdarsuren said. "Apparently
they knew that we were coming, so they sent Shan Pu off to Japan to
bring some friends of hers back here to help."
By the way, I hope we're not supposed to remember any of these
names. They're all leaking out of my head by the next sentence.
^_^;
[...]
"These terrorist attacks need to be stopped. Not only are they
doing real damage to our manpower and equipment, but morale is dropping
like a rock."
MAJOR: ...And my bowels are flowing like a river.
[...]
Of course he did, Shagdarsuren thought. It was the age-old
story. As long as they'd existed, the job of bureaucrats and politicians
had been to get in the way of people who were trying to get a job done.
If they had any sense, they'd simply decide what they wanted done and
then step aside. Let the military men -- the men who had spent their
lives in combat instead of pushing papers -- have free reign to decide
*how* to achieve their goals. They were the ones who were good at it.
Checks and balances, kid.
[...]
Against one wall stood the ancient blue urn that
Great-grandmother had bought nearly a hundred years ago.
If Cologne was herself about a hundred years old,
does that mean she bought it was she was in infant?
[...]
Huang mulled the situation over in his mind. It was entirely
possible that these people had let themselves be spotted in order to
lead his forces away on a wild goose chase, hoping to attack the village
while it was underdefended. But while a saboteur or two could slip in
unnoticed, reconnaissance surely ought to be able to spot a full attack
force before they got here. If that happened, the attack troops could be
recalled, and it should take at most about an hour for them to get back.
I didn't find "underdefended" in Microsoft's Bookshelf, Webster's
dictionary, or Britanica.com. You should hyphenate it or split it
into two words.
He slurped a mouthful of tea, feeling the warmth slide down his
throat. This plan had far too many shoulds and ought tos for comfort.
The sensible thing to do would be to simply tighten security here.
Sooner or later, the saboteurs would make a mistake and be caught.
suggest: ought-tos
(Without the hyphen, "tos" looks like a word on its own.
Terms Of Service?)
[...]
"You know somewhere like that, Pop?"
Genma nodded. "As a matter of fact, yes."
"You don't mean...."
"I do, boy."
"That's nasty, Pop." There was a begrudged admiration in his
voice, but also a hint of disapproval.
I'm going to have to agree with Ranma's assessment. :j
[...]
"Eeeeeeeeek!" screamed Nanbei as he clung to Xi's arm.
"You've got to save us!"
punc: screamed Nanbei, as he clung
(Two complete clauses; seaprate with a comma.)
[...]
"Oh, um, hi. I'm calling about the bill I've recently received."
She retrieved the piece of paper from the chair on which she'd set it
down earlier. "I'm Kuonji Ukyo, account number K9-23151506."
Okay people, raise your hands if you didn't catch the K9 reference.
[...]
His bowl of food half-finished, the cat suddenly got up and
sauntered away. A leap propelled him onto his owner's bed, where he
stretched lazily out on his side. Ukyo smiled wrly as she picked the
dish off the floor. Such was life in the food service industry. Still,
it was what she liked to do, and would keep doing as long as she could
-- even though *some* customers were more appreciative than others.
sp: Ukyo smiled wryly
[...]
Major Huang stared at the village through his office window.
Everything was quiet. A few minutes ago, the attack force had marched
off unobtrusively, or as unobtrusively as sixty heavily-armed soldiers
could march, leaving the village underdefended. The villagers seemed to
be going about their normal business, nodding and smiling through masks
of politeness as they passed. If they had any idea what was happening,
they weren't showing any sign of it.
Consider my underdefended comment restated.
[...]
No matter. Superior numbers and firepower would win. These
guerillas might be able to take out ten or twenty of his men, but
eventually the advantages of surprise and home turf would wear out.
Well, there's always the issue of the amount of firepower that
can be brought to bear. And in a choke point like the one you've
described...
[...]
Squad five remained in the back, readying the an m-79 type
"blooper" that they'd brought. It was a launcher loaded with special
grenades containing nothing but a few hundred streamlined nails; the
perfect item for convincing guerillas to come out of hiding. Squad four
stood in the center of the area, Shagdarsuren with them.
cap: M-79
(I'm pretty sure; I think Blooper would
be too, but I'm less sure about that one)
[...]
The martial artists quickly charged out of the hole that Ryoga's
Breaking Point attack had made. The spiritual energy of the Amazons
coursed through them, energizing, supercharging like a rocket engine in
a compact car.
Um... Wouldn't that be a Bad Thing? ^_^
[...]
Ranma and Akane leapt toward the squad on the left. Ranma
systematically took out opponents by strikes to nerve clusters. Akane
protected his back, knocking into the springs any of the soldiers who
managed to get a gun pointed in her husband's direction.
Hmm. I can see why you didn't bring it up earlier -- so as not to
spoil the surprise -- but I'd expect to see some reference to Ranma
worrying about Akane being near Jusenkyo, or Akane worrying about
Ranma being near the springs she thinks has an evil intelligence to,
or her own fears about being cursed.
[...]
A gunshot flashed. Tatewaki collapsed to the ground, clutching
at his chest. He staggered in shock, trying to stand as he watched his
blood trickle down into a puddle on the ground.
Would anything really form puddles in the rain? I'd think
it'd either get soaked into the soil or spill into a pool.
(Disturbing thought, that.)
[...]
Genma-panda, currently grappling with five soldiers, looked up.
"Urh?" Two of the remaining Mongols leveled their guns in his direction.
He held out a sign that read, UH... HELP?
Fortunately, it was a bullet-proof sign... ^_^
[...]
Tofu attended to Tatewaki while the rest of the group secured
the prisoners. "Is he gonna be all right, Doc?" Ranma asked. Shan Pu
stood on the other side of Tatewaki, snubbing Ranma with a barely
audible grunt. Unnoticed in the rain, a small black piglet looked up,
eyes wide with concern.
Another Perfect Excuse. :j
[...]
No big deal. He had a little cash tucked away in his wallet, and
he had time. Time to wander around for a while and end up... wherever.
Maybe he'd go join up with some other outfit. He was never crazy about
the Mongols anyhow. His only real regret was having been in an Amazon
village and not getting any. After all, it wasn't like he was asking for
a lot. In a town full of women, why couldn't there be just one who'd let
him have her body?
"Mmmm." A honeyed voice spoke from above. "You'll do."
Looking up, Martinez barely glimpsed the figure that swooped
toward him before it struck him on the head, and his world dissolved
into darkness.
Sucks to be you, Martinez.
[...]
"No problem, Doc." Ranma rolled up his shirt, presenting a bare
arm. "Um, I'm type A."
"Oh." Tofu shook his head slightly. "I'm afraid Tatewaki is type
B. He'd need a donor of type B or O."
"Like I said, no problem." Ranma concentrated for a moment,
bringing his female body into being. "I'm type O."
Not ascribing to the "The Spring of Drowned Girl turns Ranma into
what he would have been if he'd been born female" theory, I see...
[...]
"Ranma?" Tofu stopped looking at his arm and stared him in the
face.
"Hm?"
Tofu prodded Ranma's chest. His male chest.
"Huh? How did *that* happen?" He'd slipped back into male form
without thinking about it, without even noticing it.
No doubt a sign of bad things to come. :)
[...]
"So who is this General, anyhow? What's he got up his butt
that's making him so hot to attack you guys?"
"The second question I can't answer," Lan said, smiling wryly.
"But as to the first... he's an old acquaintance of yours."
Herbie?
[...]
"Ranma! They've... they've killed her!"
"Huh?" Ranma came running. "Killed? Who? Where? What are you
talking about?"
"They've...." Ryoga gasped for breath. "They've killed Kodachi!"
Nah. It's just a detachable head. You get all sorts
of neat perks when you pledge your soul to darkness.
[...]
As always, if you've read this, I'd really like to hear from
you.
I think you might have shot yourself in the foot C&C-wise by
posting For A Dying Friend, first. It's a oneshot and shorter,
so it makes a much nicer C&C target.
I'll be blunt. The premise doesn't really suit me at all. The Ranma
cast years later I can deal with -- I liked the preludes. But Ranma
goes to war against a conventional army? Doesn't work for me.
That having been said, I liked the dialogue, and the characterization
(with the exception of Kodachi). There were a couple examples of
inderect explanations that worked pretty well.
Normally, the Ukyo/Mikado thing would interest me, but it feels
completely tacked on to this story. I hope this subplot wasn't
just added on to give Ukyo something to do.
Well, that's about it. I guess you should mark this as an
"indifferent" response. ;)
Later,
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net Cuter, too. Definitely more sexy!"