Time to start C+Cing again. And with one of my faves.
*blush* :)
Doing it as I read
along:
Funny how easy it is to get into that habit. ~_^
>Onna-Tenchi Muyou!
>
>
>
>LIME WARNING. There is an almost-reference to a sexual act in this
>work. ~_^
Almost? Just doing things halfway then. :P
This, from the person who just couldn't let poor Mihoshi get some in "Vacation
Days"? :P :P
>
>Chapter 1 - Nyanniichuan Muyou! (No Need for Spring of Drowned
>Girl!)
Oh, now this sounds promising.
And it's literal, with Washuu around.
>its owner diligently typed away at a holographic laptop computer.
>Looking over her shoulder, one would see a string of indecipherable
>numbers and symbols appearing on the ephemeral screen.
If they are indecipherable, how can she understand them? :)
:j Well, they're only hypothetically indecipherable.
WASHUU: Plain as day to me...
TSUNAMI: I can figure out most of it.
RYOUKO: Cosine? Are you taking out a loan, Washuu?
WASHUU: ...
>
>Hakubi Washuu, the self-proclaimed Number One Genius Scientist of
>the Universe,
'...Scientific Genius of...' sounds better to me.
Hmmm, will consider. It *is* more correct-looking, though. :)
>
>In one of innumerable simulated alien environments,
Ah, Detroit then?
Hehehehe. I'll take your word for it, never having been there myself. :)
>Washuu swam with a herd of dolphins, but even that didn't seem to
>lift her mood.
She needs to get into a good old fashioned orgy. That'll cheer her up.
...
So WRITE one!! Gah. :)
>The red crab doorbell clanked twice as the door opened and closed.
The sound o' Doom, to be sure.
Uh-huh. Many a planet's tremble at that particular clank.
"Ask not for whom the crab-bell tolls..."
- Anonymous Altairian Wise Man
>"Ahhh. Just as I thought," Tenchi whispered. The house was empty.
You think he would know better by now.
Well, he *thinks* it's okay, considering what he witnessed earlier, but still,
you have a point. :)
>capitalizing on it. Nice, sweet, and generous she may be, but to get
>the whole picture of the person, one had to include mild
>deviousness, a sometimes opportunistic sense of humor, and -- more
>importantly at the moment -- a willingness to make a certain pair
>pay up.
Yep. I can picture that, all right.
:)
>Aeka and Ryouko sagged, while Mihoshi jumped up and down in delight.
><All those screaming kids,>
Like Sasami and Mihoshi aren't enough?
Hehehe. See my response to Doug on this one. :)
>"No! Uh-uh!
I see her saying 'Absolutely not!' rather than something as basic as
'Uh-uh.'
Hmmm, I'm inclined to agree. Will revise.
>"The OTHER option," Sasami interrupted, with a hard glint in her
>eye, "is for you and Ryouko to do our chores, in addition to your
>own, for one month. Also, you will cook all meals and taste-test
>each others cooking before serving."
Good thing she put in that qualifier. :)
The burned hand, or tastebud, teaches best. :)
>"Moshi, moshi?"
Interesting. So her universal translator doesn't work for 'hello' but
translates everything else into English for us. (Yes, I found that
distracting and pointless since the rest of this is in English. Recommend
you change it to 'Hello, anyone here?" or something similar.
Well... there's all those honorifics, at least one "tadaima", uh... lemme
think. :)
It doesn't particular bother me, I think, because most people understand what
"Moshi, moshi" means, but I'll review the situation.
>She went outside and checked the lake, the floating onsen, and the
>tool shed. Tenchi's tools were there, so he wasn't working the
>fields.
Never read 'Out by the Carrot Patch' I see. ^_^
And even if I had... Hmmm, just saying that implies that I have, so... Yes,
all right, damn it, I've read it! Happy NOW?! :P
Somehow, I just couldn't set a Sasami lemon this soon in the story. :P
>
>"YAAAAHHH!!!" The manga went flying, and Tenchi rolled off the
>carrot pillow, clutching his heart with his right hand.
>
>*HUFF HUFF PUFF* "WAAAshuu-chan! Don't DO that!!" *HUFF PUFF*
Sound effects aren't working for me here. I'd drop them.
Really? I think it may be because they're not separated out from the dialogue
part in the middle. Let me play with this and see what flies.
>
>"It's a really *long* story, but in a nutshell, it's about this
>martial artist with a curse. The curse turns him into a girl
>whenever he's splashed with cold water. He turns back with warm or
>hot water. He's also engaged to the kami know how many women, all
>arranged by his father (who's also cursed, but he turns into a giant
>panda). He, Ranma that is, also has women who aren't engaged to him
>chasing him around."
>
>"Sound familiar?" Washuu quipped.
Tenchi: Oh, did the same thing happen to you?
/me facefaults...
>Washuu studied the girl on the cover again. "So... Ranma can change
>his sex with just the application of the right temperature of water?
>Interesting..."
>
>Tenchi bigsweated. "Uhhh, what do you mean by that?"
I see Tenchi does have something resembling survival instincts.
Yeah, they occasionally surface. :)
>
>"Ne, Tenchi!
Again, the Japanese isn't working here.
Hmmm. You know, I've discussed this with people and here's the problem, as I
see it. I watch almost exclusively subs, and after a while, I simply can't
imagine them saying anything else. However, I understand your point, and a LOT
of Japanese gets edited out before anyone even sees it. And to some extent, I
enjoy the feel of having some of it in. I don't know what to say about this,
really, because "ne" should be the most understood of any, and it occurs so
frequently in the real language. Sorry if this generates a thread. -_-;;
>
>
>"Hair, hair, hair." One of her crab-leg forelocks waved in front of
>her eye. "Red! Is there any other color?
Not so's you'd notice.
:)
>
>
>She typed in a file name: Onna-Tenchi. She paused and then grinned,
>typing 'Muyou!' after it. She cackled aloud at her pun and leaned
>back in her chair, jostling a piece of equipment behind her. She
>heard a soft 'plop' and whipped her head around, a terrible feeling
>gripping her. With a shout of "NO!" she spied Mihoshi's Galaxy
>Police uniform hat sitting on the auxiliary control console.
Heh. Cute. Now Tenchi is doomed, of course.
The Mihoshi Effect, of course. Still considering having Tsunami flick the hat
off its resting place in a fit of Sasami-esque mischief. Still thinking about
it.
>
>Tenchi yawned as Ranma got splashed for the umpteenth time. <If he
>wasn't so cute and sexy as a girl, this would've probably gotten old
>by now. Thank Kamisama for fan service,> he thought.
He's thinking that with the sort of women that are around him? Boy does he
have his priorities backwards.
Well, we norms really don't have any better excuse. :)
>"Tadaimaaaa!"
And here
Disagree. I think this is boiling down to a matter of taste, but I'll review
the usage.
>
>
>quickly found inertia and gravity propelling her to the horizontal.
>She fanned her arms as she fell, and her giant theater soda went
>flying. Everyone at the bottom of the stairs was drenched as they
>watched Mihoshi hit the floor.
And now we meet Onna-Tenchi.
*ZING!*
>
>"WAAAAHH!" Mihoshi began to bawl. Feeling suddenly strange again,
>Tenchi leaned back against the stairs and closed his eyes as the
>female cast
'cast' makes it sound to televisionish. I'd change it to something else,
probably reworking the sentence. Nothing coming to mind at the moment, but
it's late.
Agreed.
sighed and helped the crying Galaxy Policewoman to her
>feet. As a group they turned back to Tenchi and halted after one
>step.
>
>"'Beep-beep! Beep-beep! This pager's drivin' me cra-a-zy...'"
At this point I'm finding the song interrupting the story flow. The first
bit was okay as a bit of flavor to the scene, but not this part.
Will review.
>
>"Look, you. Tenchi's 100% man! You, obviously, are not!" Ryouko
>reached down and strongly squeezed
'strongly squeezed' sounds awkward.
Yes, Doug hit that one, too. :)
> a large and well-formed breast.
Aw, I was hoping you'd go against the grain and make him more perky instead
of ample. :)
Well, this is *Ranma-chan* he's patterned after. :)
>Ryouko rolled her eyes. "They're TITS, you moron, as if you didn't
>know--"
Ryouko: Which proves you aren't Tenchi, since I've shown him mine lots of
times and he would know what they are.
TENCHI: There's something to be said for experiencing them on someone *else*
instead of yourself, I suppose.
RYOUKO: REALLY?! [bares chest] Here ya go!
TENCHI: [waving offhandedly] Oh, no thanks. In spite of my earlier shock, I
have my own now.
RYOUKO: WAAAAHHH!!!
>
>"ARGH!!!" Energy crackled all over Ryouko's body. "We're getting off
>the subject!! WHERE. IS. TENCHI!!!"
TENCHI?!!!
Yup.
>
>er, -oneechan, um...! Anyway, how did you get a curse like Ranma's?
>Can I get one, too?
Tenchi: Sure. (splashes Sasami with a glass of water) See, now you're a
girl too.
/me facefaults... again... :)
Gee, what do I wanna be? I'm already gonna be a
>spaceship, someday, so that's out. Ryou-ou-ki has cats and bunnies
>covered... sort of. I don't think I wanna be a boy. Hmmm... Magical
>Girl?"
Heh. It's been done, though. (engage innocent whistling) :)
NAW! SERIOUSLY?! :P
>
>
>"Wait a second, Ryouko." Tenchi closed her eyes with a grimace and
>slowly, ever so slowly reached her hand down to check...
>
>Tenchi's eyes flew open. "WAAAAH! It's GONE!"
But wouldn't it be worse if it was still there? :)
Tenchi: Oh, thank god I'm only a hermaphrodite. Now that I can live with.
Heh, been done. Not with Tenchi, mind you, but the original gender bender. :)
RYOUKO: But does it still work?
TENCHI: Uh...
RYOUKO: Let's find out!
TENCHI: URK!!
>
>
>"Hey! Good idea, Mihoshi."
So they're going to have lesbian sex? :)
ARGH!! Man, what are you reading these days? :P :P :P
>
>"I see," Aeka muttered. "Who would do such a thing to you,
>Tenchi-sama?"
>
>A birdcall washed through the room, and everyone spoke
>simultaneously.
>
>"WASHUU!"
Heh. So they are thinking at least a little clearly.
Hey, I've got to drive them to the realization with a plot whip, but yeah,
they do. :)
>
>"So would I if I'd had that," Ryouko muttered from the floor.
Mihoshi: Okay. (Buries Ryouko's face in her breasts)
...
/me hands DB some saltpeter. "Take two teaspoons and call me next week." :)
>
>>"I don't wear bras, Aeka," Ryouko smirked. "I'm naturally pert."
Aeka: Really? I would call it more 'sag' than 'pert', but then what would I
know about such things?
RYOUKO: My point exactly.
AEKA: Grrr...
>
>
>"Well, that was different," Tenchi observed. "It's really weird when
>you're paying attention." He pulled his now-black tresses around.
>"And I kept the long hair. Weird."
Yep. Interesting, that.
I figured it was probably easier to have it suddenly lengthen out of his head
than to try and suck it all back in through the follicles - could cause some
mental difficulties. :P
>
>
>Tenchi sighed. "What am I gonna DO? I've got school tomorrow!"
>
>"Stay dry?" Aeka offered with a faint smile.
>
>"In SWIM class?!"
Only swim in the dry water.
TENCHI: DRY water?!
WASHUU: Right. Just add water.
TENCHI: ...
>
>"Thanks, Ryouko. I appreciate--"
>
>"Monster woman! Are you trying to get MY Tenchi during her, ERRR,
>his time of need?!" Tired from the daylong excursion, Aeka's fuse
>had shortened considerably.
I think I'd make the last sentence first. It would seem to make the
paragraph flow better, IMO.
Will review. It's too out of context with the snippage for me to comment.
>
>"Aeka! How DARE you insinuate that I'd take advantage of Ten--"
Aeka: I'm not insinuating. I'm saying it outright.
RYOUKO: Oh, well, in that case, yeah, I'm jumping his, er, her bones. He, uh,
she likes it. If you were me, wouldn't you?
AEKA: [blows absolutely no brain cells trying to imagine herself as Ryouko]
Uh...
>
>"Take ADVANTAGE?! Then what do you call sneaking into her room at
>all hours of the day and night?! Tender Loving Care?!"
Aeka: What about me and my needs? You never sneak into my room. I'm feeling
neglected.
RYOUKO: You're not a herm, girlfriend.
AEKA & TENCHI: ....
>
>"VIRTUE!! You're one to talk, Miss Pheromones!"
'Pheromones'? That doesn't sound quite right. 'Hormones' perhaps?
That's a direct word quote from OAV7.
>
>>
>"I'll help dry you off, Tenchi," Ryouko said seductively. Aeka was
>about to let loose again when Mihoshi came jogging out of the
>kitchen.
Wet Tenchi round two I see.
*BONG!* You win one dollar. Try for two? :P
>
>
>"ACK!! Ryouko-san! WHAT are you DOING, you HENTAI?!?!" Aeka
>screeched.
Ryouko: But it's your turn next.
Aeka: Oh, well that's okay then.
Mihoshi: Then me next.
WASHUU: Mihoshi! Don't touch those!
TENCHI: [breasts explode]
KONATSU: [holding his hand up at the back of the classroom] Oh! I know! I
know! Pepper bombs, right?!
TENCHI: ... ouch.
>
>
>Tenchi closed her eyes and nodded. "Mihoshi-san."
>
>Mihoshi was still standing with a face full of power log... snoring.
>With a disgusted huff, Aeka dispelled the logs, and Mihoshi crumpled
>to the ground, asleep.
I would think it was unconsciouness rather than sleep.
Well, I'd hoped that would come across as part of the gag - there isn't a
terrible lot of difference for her.
>
>Hovering in the air a few feet away, Ryouko found herself having a
>fast change of heart, sorry she'd sprung away like that. <Damn!> she
>thought. <Why do I still feel like boinking him, even when he's a
>girl?
Not-so-latent-lesbian-tendencies, that's why. :)
Just say "flexible" and be done with it. :)
>
>Tenchi trembled in desire. She *wanted* to be touched all of a
>sudden,
I see Washuu has played around with the sex drive as well, as in gave him
one.
Basically, although that's simplifying matters a bit. :)
>
>"WHAT?!?! SHE?!?!?!" Ryouko was beside herself, figuratively
>speaking.
I'd drop the 'figuratively speaking' since it seems unneccessary.
Not even to play off her splitting herself into two in OAV7?
>"Ohayou, Oyaji." <Huh?> "EEP!!!" Tenchi clamped her hands over her
>mouth and looked up at Nobuyuki. Her father's jaw was now down to
>his bellybutton, a thick string of drool hanging out of his mouth
>and pooling on the tile.
Oh yes, this is bad.
Nobuyuki, in true form. :)
>"EEEEEK!!!" Mihoshi pulled a baseball bat from... somewhere and
>started clubbing the table and everything on it. Dishes shattered
>and glasses were dumped, but the spider simply walked away from it
>all.
Heh. Typical Mihoshi.
Yup.
> ~~~~~
>
>Katsuhito stepped out of the utility closet with a distant look on
>his face. Hearing the TV
'television' Always best to spell such things out.
Agreed. I know that, too, but I still seem to do it with alarming regularity.
*sigh*
> ~~~~~
>
>Tenchi was enjoying the relative quiet engendered by his, er, state
>and was enjoying
To 'enjoying's in the same sentence. Might want to change the second to
'relishing' or something simililar.
Agreed.
>Tenchi had slapped her hands over her mouth... too late. Everyone
>else was still confused at her outburst, but Tenchi's eyes bulged as
>Ryouko slowly smiled in feline satisfaction.
Given how fast the Tenchi-Ryouko thing is moving along, I take it this is
not going ot be a long fic.
Hard to say. I don't really have a whole-story plot in mind. I'm not sure what
I should be striving for. Oh, well. We'll see what, if anything, happens.
Nice work. A little predictible, been done well enough to be enjoyed
anyway. I'll be interested to see where you go with this.
Thanks! ^_^
*******************************************
D.F. Roeder
FanFiction - http://www.flash.net/~dfroeder/index.html