I'll try to limit my public replies to the C&C on this story, since
there was so much of it. I really appreciate all the responses, more
than I can say, and I'll get back to everyone as soon as I can.
Angus MacSpon <macspon@ihug.co.nz> wrote:
"Yes," I say, and hear the anger and frustration in my voice. I
shouldn't get mad at the doctor. It's not his fault. Whose it is, who
really deserves to be the target of the emotions I'm feeling, I don't
know. All I do know is that he's answered my question, by not answering
it. There was nothing that he, or I, could do.
Odd mixture of tenses in this paragraph. The last sentence should
presumably be set in the present tense?
Yeah, 'was' should have been 'is.' Will correct.
The other problem I have here is the references to "Doctor". Tanaka
is, presumably, a vet. While Akane may address him as "Doctor", it does
seem odd to say "shouldn't get mad at the doctor". It's for the sake
of misdirection, I understand, but it comes off feeling like something
of a cheat here.
Hm. Wasn't really intended that way. I've often referred to taking the
dog "to see the doctor," but maybe I'm just a weirdo. :) Anyhow, I don't
have a problem changing this.
If it's a spring, why isn't there enough water? Surely one could simply
wait for it to produce as much water as needed? Even if it only produced
a drop an hour, Ranma would be able to gather the drops and save up enough
eventually.
If the zuihouniquan really does produce so little water as to be useless
for a cure, it can hardly be called a "spring" at all. And how would
anyone have ever found it, or found out what it can do?
Good point. My initial thinking on this was "it's just a plot device, so
it doesn't matter." But I can certainly see how people might need a
little more detail and consistency on it. I'll re-think this, maybe make
it water that drips down from some special moss onto the floor of a
cave, or something.
It was tricky to work out what was happening here at first, because
Akane is referring to Ranma as "he" throughout the story. But the
reference to "cleavage" plus "give up his one chance" indicates that
Ranma hasn't been cured. Okay, I can buy it that Ryoga's a higher
priority to him, under the circumstances.
But ... why the ripped clothing and opened breast bindings, in this
case? They seem like an unnecessary, and distracting, detail. Is this
more misdirection, trying to suggest for a moment that Ranma has in fact
been cured? If so, at this point in the story (and with the truth
revealed a few paragraphs later) I don't think it works.
If, instead, you want to suggest that Ranma went through severe hardships
to get the water, I'd suggest substituting cuts and scrapes for the
open breast bindings.
The ripped bindings were to show that Ranma had gone through a lot of
trouble to get the water, as you say, but also because the scene appeals
to my weird sense of humor: the clinic staff staring at Akane's husband,
who they've met many times before, and seeing healthy female breasts on
him. :) It's not intended as misdirection, and I'd really need to see
more opinions on it before I'd change it.
And again, if the zuihouniquan is actually a spring, this shouldn't have
been Ranma's "one chance".
Apart from these points ... an excellent, and very credible, story.
Glad you liked the story, and thanks for keeping me honest on these
points. :)
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html