I'm not sure how the length of this compares with the others... I had a lot
less to work with though, since I missed out on the last free lunch of the
season and had only my trusty NCA Handbook of Accreditation to work from.
NERV vs The UN Accreditations Process 3
by Lara Bartram
[A familiar scene of NERV personnel seated around tables arranged in a
large square, minus Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki. Nobody looks comfortable.]
Gendo: [standing] We have some materials here everyone should read
through.
Maya: [leaning over to whisper] Did he say things we _should_ see?
Makoto: [looking confused] I... think so.
[Maya sits back, blinking rapidly.]
[Gendo motions to the door and in comes Fuyutsuki pushing a large cart.
In the cart are... books. Thick books.]
Gendo: These are the UNA Accreditation handbooks.
[Fuyutsuki begins dropping one in front of each person at the table.]
[Ritsuko picks her copy up and looks at the cover. It says 'Handbook of
Accreditation - Fifth Edition United Nations Association of Secret
Organizations September 2013'.]
Gendo: [adjusting his glasses] You will be tested on this material.
Asuka: [outraged] What? There's 600 pages in this verdammt book!
Gendo: 674 pages.
[Asuka growls and swears to herself, but sits down and opens the book.]
Maya: [looking in her copy, with hand raised] Excuse me, sir... Why is
this paragraph titled Ethical policies and procedures blacked out?
[Gendo looks at Fuyutsuki, who sighs.]
Fuyutsuki: That's unimportant.
[Later that night at Misato's place, Shinji and Asuka are studying their
handbooks.]
Shinji: [obviously frustrated] I've been looking at this for so long, I
don't even understand what I'm reading any longer. What does 'In its
candidacy program, the Commission expects that the extent to which a
fully developed pattern of evidence for each criterion will be a
function of time' mean?
Asuka: [looking at the line Shinji is trying to figure out] It means
that... That... Do your own studying!
[At NERV, the next day, Maya is going through her own handbook.]
Maya: [to herself] Some of the pages have been ripped out...
[She flips to the front of the book to check the table of contents.]
Maya: Chapter... 15: Informing the Public. Hm.
[Shigeru sits down next to her with his own handbook.]
Shigeru: Still studying that thing?
Maya: [not taking her eyes from the page in front of her] Of course.
We're going to be tested on this stuff. And it's actually kind of
interesting in some aspects.
Shigeru: Are you kidding? This is total dullsville. And what are they
going to do if we don't pass the test? Take us out back and shoot us?
Maya: [ignoring Shigeru for the most part] Have you looked at this
section about unannounced inspections?
Shigeru: Aww, you're too worked up over this. It'll be no problem...
[In Gendo's office.]
Fuyutsuki: [snorting] Purpose of the self-study report? Who are they
trying to fool?
Gendo: Nonetheless, we must comply.
Fuyutsuki: And what about the dates for the scheduled visit?
Gendo: [grinning slightly] I think we know what to tell them.
Fuyutsuki: [nodding] Riiight. It'll be hard to do an inspection when
they're just a puddle of goo.
[The next day at school, Shinji sits in front of a computer with his
handbook open next to him.]
Shinji: Email address... Here it is. info@secret.org That's... not
normal.
[Shinji sends off a message.]
Shinji: Hey, a web site... www.secret.org
[Shinji sighs and puts his head down in resignation.]
[The week passes far too quickly, until it is finally test day.
Everyone is gathered at the same table with a variety of pen and pencils
between them.]
Gendo: [standing at the front] Any questions before we begin?
Makoto: Don't we get lunch?
Gendo: No.
Shinji: Is this an open book test?
Gendo: No. Begin.
[Everyone opens their booklets, Asuka twitching briefly, and begin the
test.]
Shinji: [to himself] What are the five things a self-study plan should
include? [Loudly] Are you sure this isn't open book?
[Two days later, everyone is waiting for the results of their tests.]
Maya: [periodically chewing on her fingernails] I hope I passed.
Shigeru: [with his feet on the desk] What are you so worried about?
What will they--
Random MiB: [appearing out of nowhere] Aoba Shigeru?
[Maya and Shigeru both startle and look at the man.]
Shigeru: [very nervously] That's me.
MiB: Come with me please. We need to discuss the results of your test.
[Shigeru suddenly begins jibbering like a madman as he's dragged off
with Maya watching in horror.]
[Meanwhile, in Gendo's office.]
Ritsuko: [outraged] Damn it, tell your goons that they can't take me
out back and shoot me just because I failed that stupid test!
Gendo: [pondering] I suppose not.
Ritsuko: That's right. You need someone to take care of those damned
robots...
Gendo: [to MiBs] Pistol-whip her. But be careful with her face.
[The MiBs grab Ritsuko's arms and begin to drag her away.]
Ritsuko: [yelling, face beet red] Damn you, Gendo! Don't think I'll
have the MAGI embezzle any more money for your vacations to Switzerland!
No more skiing, or nights in front of the fireplace, or... Damn you!
----
THIS HAS BEEN AN ALMOST COMPLETELY TRUE STORY, OR AT LEAST BASED ON A
COMPLETELY FACTUAL BOOK
1) What Shinji quotes is an actual line from the NCA Handbook, though
taken out of context so it makes a _lot_ less sense. ^_^
2) The chapter and paragraph Maya mentions are also in the book, but
aren't ripped out or marked up. The NCA doesn't have much of a sense of
humor.
3) Find the hidden joke about End of Evangelion (there are a couple that
seem like refs to EoE, but aren't). Find the joke, win a pony.
4) The end... It's a pretty well-known fact, and an amazing coincidence,
that the president of EMU was having an affair with the VP of University
Relations and head Technology honcho. We all wish she'd be pistol-whipped.