You've come a long way, Jimmy boy. :) The child is all grown up now... Looks
like it's time for the pains of adolesence. <grin>
====================================================
"It's not the real heart..." San-chan's explanation trailed off as
she glanced back at the center. "Brother!! Look out for..."
San-kun deflected another black chi ball and spun around just in
time to be engulfed by a large ball of chi energy that had formed from a
dozen of the smaller chi balls after they had rebounded off the aura.
Without the protection of his gi top and not having been able to
get a chi shield up in time, Sanma writhed in pain as the black energy
burned into his flesh. Smoke rose from the chunks of flesh as they
dropped from his body. His face disintegrated as the flesh was burned
off layer by layer. His screams stopped after his lungs were burned
beyond their ability to draw air though his throat. His lifeless body
collapsed into a pile of burnt flesh and twisted bones.
Holy Shiiiiiittt...... so what's going to become of San-chan? Can she live
without her alter-ego?
James looked away from the burned pile that was once San-kun, a
horrified grimace frozen on his face.
******
***********************************************************************
November 17-18, 2057 - Tendo Compound, Nerima, Japan
Whoa whoa whoa... wait a second... wasn't Hanaki on Tendo one when it
crashed? How'd she end up at the Tendo compound?
Hanaki walked into the room and grimaced at the mess that met her
eyes. There were stacks of electronic components piled everywhere she
looked. Pieces of wristpads, system boxes, holo-storage arrays, and
several things that she had no idea what they were. Truth be told, there
were things that even the occupants of the room didn't know what they
were.
******
"NOW you finally think of your favorite uncle," Sanma said from the
top of the ramp. She started to walk down it.
Hanaki smiled. "I'm glad you're safe. Where's San-kun?"
Sanma laughed and tapped her chest. "Inside me."
Hanaki gasped. "Ahhhh, end of the string of blessings, huh?"
Sanma nodded. "Yeah, nasty fire fight inside and I ended up getting
killed. But we got though it mostly unscathed despite that."
Okay... that's gonna need some explaining. After San-kun died, did his
memories suddenly flock into San-chan? Is Sanma still a teenager, or has she
reverted back to her 70+ year old state? Are there any side effects or
whatever?
******
"No, we knew that you were taken into the monolith by tracing your
tag." Hanaki indicated the bump on her wrist that covered the tag like
the one they all had inserted under their skin. "It was very hard
waiting to find out what happened inside, but Akane was confident that
Sanma could get you through it okay." She looked at Jaki. "If we had any
idea you could have been absorbed before the rear section exploded, we'd
have waited on the funeral."
If they were able to trace James' tag, why couldn't they trace Jaki's tag?
******
***********************************************************************
Inside the Buyierfei Monolith (?!!!)
"It's not the real heart..." San-chan's explanation trailed off as
she glanced back at the center. "Brother!! Look out for..."
San-kun deflected another black chi ball and spun around just in
time to be engulfed by a large ball of chi energy that had formed from a
dozen of the smaller chi balls after they had rebounded off the aura.
Without the protection of his gi top and not having been able to
get a chi shield up in time, Sanma writhed in pain as the black energy
burned into his flesh. Smoke rose from the chunks of flesh that dropped
from his body. His face disintegrated as the flesh was burned off layer
by layer. His screams stopped after his lungs were burned beyond their
ability to draw air though his throat. His lifeless body collapsed into
a pile of burnt flesh and twisted bones.
Ah ha. I see what you're doing now... but I gotta say, it's confusing as
hell. I realize the kind of effect you're trying for here, alternating
between before/after scenes, but I think your approach needs a lot of work.
You can do better than this.
******
Sanma grinned. "Yup, it's really painful, but any death you can
walk away from is a good death."
James frowned as he looked at Sanma. "Um... why are you still
young?"
Sanma smiled with her unwrinkled face. "I won't be for long. It'll
take a couple days, but my real age will start to show itself. I'll
still be ruggedly handsome, of course." She struck a pose that would
make people think 'what a babe' rather than 'handsome'.
Huh. I see you already have an answer to my afforementioned questions, ya'
sneaky lil'... <grumble grumble> :) Alright then, what would happen if
San-chan didn't have any water handy?
******
"First one to spot the heart gets the first dance!!" Sanma shouted
as they moved through the Buyierfei realm, blasting anything that moved.
After countless time, James called out. "There, behind that black
mass!!"
Sanma smiled. "Guess you really wanted to dance with me, huh?"
James smiled. "Get me out of here in one piece and you've got
yourself a deal."
***********************************************************************
November 21, 2057 - Tendo Compound, Nerima, Japan
Kasumi's eightieth birthday party was in full swing when James
walked off the dance floor and sat down. He put his hand to the spot he
had been wounded and took some deep breaths.
This instance of before/after alternation oddly enough seems to work better.
Let me point out why:
Firstly, during the 'before' scene wheren Sanma and company were searching
for the heart, Sanma agreed to dance with James after finding it. Thus, in
the 'after' scene on the dance floor, it is easy to realize that this is
indeed an 'after' scene. This is a good 'anchor' which makes it easier for
readers to realize what's going on where and when. In the previous instance
I had thought that the scene where Hanaki was talking to Jaki's gravestone
was an event occurring WHILE Sanma, James, and Jaki were busy fighting the
monolith, not after.
I do think that you should write a 'while' scene which would state how
Hanaki, Yohachi, and Akane got home safely after the crash, as I think that
is one BIG hole that needs to be filled. They were in the crash wtih James
and Sanma, so I don't understand why they weren't in the battle with them
too. I've reread the end of Chapter 32 and the beginning of this one
multiple times, and I'm just not able to piece it together.
******
That list was by no means complete, there were many other people
dancing, talking, and enjoying the celebration. Only a small percentage
of which James would have been able to identify. The large dojo hall was
filled to the brim with Tendos, Saotomes, Onos, Kuonjis, and the other
families that all called the Compound home.
Not to mention all of the Tendo, Saotome, Ono, and Kuonji women who married
into other less known family names... let's see... in a couple generation's
time, Davidson will probably be added to that list. Hmm... whatever happened
to Hibiki?
******
He drew his bokken and raised it over his head. "I will slay the
demon who has done this to you!"
A pause.
"Ranma Saotome, I vow on my dear wife's grave that I shall slay you
for dropping that accursed dojo on my wife!!"
Hehehe... I realize this is supposed to be a moment where the world shudders
because Ranma's got yet another potentially catastrophic problem to worry
about... so why am I laughing my ass off? :)
******
"Oh... Ranko's baby is okay and we got Akane's baby boy back. They
named him Yohachi. They almost named him Ukyo, but then you had to spoil
it and live."
Yeah... speaking of which, when are we gonna see a grown up Daiji? I'd like
to see how he/she is fairing.
******
December 19, 2000 - Nerima, Japan
"Where the hell are we now!" Ryoga screamed.
Should there not be a question mark in that sentence?
******
"Oh, yeah." Ryoga smiled nervously. "For a second I thought I had
gotten lost."
"Don't worry, you will eventually."
Ryoga smiled proudly. "Yeah."
I think Ryoga and the 'Magellan' GPS corporation should sit down for lunch
one day.
******
Behind them, Nodoka walked next to a large panda, who had a
three-month-old boy strapped to his furry chest. The baby was cuddled up
into the fur and sleeping peacefully.
Well whaddya know... the ol' geezer still had it in em'.
******
Nipplering brought up the rear of the group, dragging a large
canvas bag behind her. Something inside the bag was squirming around and
trying to escape. That something was the tour guide who had rented them
the Humvees. Or as Nipplering referred to him, her future husband.
Why am I not the least bit surprized... :)
******
"You've got me," Ranko insisted.
"I said bother not sis... oooof..." Ranma clutched his stomach
where Ranko had just punched him.
I believe it's spelled 'brother'. :)
"Boys..."
Nodoka's addressing of the two siblings as 'boys' is not a lost effect. :)
Cute.
******
Yukiko gave her father a peck on his check. Everyone else would
have be told to call her Yukiko if they called her by her old name, but
she let her father have his 'Shampoo'.
I believe that 'be' should actually be 'been'
******
"Oh, great... now I have inanimate pools of water on my enemies
list." Ranma rolled his eyes.
Ranko laughed.
Vewy Vewy iintoresteeng... Hmm. So... when can the Chisution <sp> come into
play? And what about Herb and the musk?
******
-C- -M- -D-
"Happy anniversary!!"
Kasumi blushed and gripped Dr. Tofu's hand tighter as the assembled
friends, family, and Amazon warriors all cheered for her. "Thank you
all."
Dr. Tofu looked out into the crowd. "I'm a little overwhelmed by
this, but am very glad that I have called Kasumi my wife for the last
year and that in a few months, the mother of my child. I remember the
first time she walked into my clinic with her injured brother-"
'Brother'? Oooo... he's askin' for it. :)
******
"Clam down dear, pet the puppy and relax." Hinako held the puppy
she was carrying up so Soun could stroke it.
Soun felt his despair at losing his oldest easing as he stroked the
cute little puppy.
"Everything is okay, dear. Everything will be okay after you pet the puppy."
Hinako explained.
Hehe... interesting therapy. :)
******
Yohachi mimicked the adults around him and gave Daiji a kiss on her
ear. Daiji proceeded to slap Yohachi. "Ikkkk..."
Daiji -definitely- has much of her father/mother in her, in more ways than
one. :)
******
"I don't think so. Maybe you should try 'mommy'." Ranma leaned down
towards little Daiji and then pointed at Ranko. "Can you say mommy?"
"Hey!"
"Mo... mo.... mommy!!" little Daiji blurted.
A child doesn't have the capability of forming the correct mouth structure
to say mommy as his or her first word, but... for the story, what the hey.
:)
******
"No.. no... call him idiot," Ranko insisted.
Daiji looked back at Ranko and stretched out her arms. "Mommy!!"
Believability scale is off the charts, buuuuut... <grin>
******
Ranko sighed. She reached over and pulled Daiji out ok Akane's
arms. She cradled her in his arms. "Well, I'll work on teaching you the
right terms later, my darling girl." She gave Daiji a tender kiss and
then hugged her child tightly.
"Mommy!"
Ranko's eye twitched.
Hehehe... Hey Ranko, better get used to it sweetie. :)
******
"So no complaints. Ranma could never duplicate what you did that
night."
"I can do anything Ranko can do! And better!" Ranma boast.
Akane giggled. "Trust me, Ranma, you're not equipped."
Ooooo! OUCH!
******
Akane looked between her two husbands. <Maybe there is a benefit to
them arguing over me after all.> She grinned lopsidedly.
"What are you smiling at?" Ranma asked, before hitting Ranko with
his fist.
Hmm... I'm wondering if the "I don't hit girls" mentality should come into
play here...
******
Finished!
<clapping hands, giving a standing ovation>
What started as a fairly simple idea "What if Ranma was split into two
people?" soon ballooned into a multi-book mega-epic story. And this is
the end... of the first book of the epic. Adulthood of a Modern Dynasty
is next, with two smaller books (I hope they are, since I can't write
many more of these 33 chapter (well 32 chapters and a epilogue) monsters
and stay sane... well, if someone would pay me to do it, I could) to
follow after AMD is finished. Needless to say, things aren't over yet.
Please stick with me and I will try to give you a ride you won't forget.
Cripes, Jim... will the storyline be completed before I die of old age, or
will you still be writing from the grave? :)
******
Hoooo kay... so that's that. So, I guess now you'll be taking a bit of a
breather before getting started with AMD, right? Heck, you've earned it...
See you at Anime Expo :)
-Troy